Note:The following is a work of fiction. All people, places and things can be assumed to come from the writers imagination. Any similarities between real people, places and things come from the author's lack of imagination.
The speaker kept on droning and droning in his monotonous voice. Within the first three minutes of the Secretary of State's speech, I was almost dozing off. By now, half an hour already, I'm practically ready to go into coma. So my friend was like, "Hey, did you see his bag?" I said,"huuuuuhhhhh, mmmiihttt." Him: "It's open. I'm going to have a look." Me: Yeah... yeah". Him:Okay, be right back."
Him:"Okay, here." Nicked it from the SoS's bag. There was a football. Gee, presidential footballs are so fancy. First time I ever seen one with so many buttons and levers. Or 'maiming North Korea systems". Probably Made in Korea mis-spelled. Anyway, me:"Are you crazy?You stole a football from the most important military guy in the world??" Him:" Is there a problem with that?" Me:" Yeah. ..You know I'm lousy at football." Him: "Suit yourself. Just listen to the very exciting presentation by him. I'll find somebody else to play catch with."I considered. For about three seconds. Me: "Okay. But if I break my nose, it's your fault." He shrugged
Anyway, we played for a long time. Somehow, the SoS had to rush off-stage after a while. Oh, and some dude dressed in black with a 007 tuxedo requested it(the football) back.
Later on, the Secret Service people debriefed us.There's good news, bad news, and really bad news.
The Good News:I didn't break my nose
The Bad News: We almost started a nuclear war.
The Really Bad News:Both of us got detention
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Playing Football
Some basics about my school:
School as a whole is kinda boring here. We are studying Spanish this year. And of course, the usual(physics, PE, English, art, history, other boring subjects like that).
I never realized how technologically pampered Yugoslavian students were until I got here. When I suggested to my English teacher that she use power points instead of her completely illegible handwriting, she gave me a look as if I suggested she use "Martian Power beams" or something like that. Talk about high-tech.
One of the most annoying part of classes around here is playing American Football during PE. I suffered an injury in-game. It would have been far more heroic(although slightly more painful) if I was struck by an enemy tackle or something.The really is slightly less enjoyable. My teammate throw a ball directly towards me. I put my hands up to catch it...and missed. It hit me right in the nose. Both teams laughed. Gee, why do I have to be in the same team as sadists? *sigh*. It was kinda humiliating, not to mention painful.
School as a whole is kinda boring here. We are studying Spanish this year. And of course, the usual(physics, PE, English, art, history, other boring subjects like that).
I never realized how technologically pampered Yugoslavian students were until I got here. When I suggested to my English teacher that she use power points instead of her completely illegible handwriting, she gave me a look as if I suggested she use "Martian Power beams" or something like that. Talk about high-tech.
One of the most annoying part of classes around here is playing American Football during PE. I suffered an injury in-game. It would have been far more heroic(although slightly more painful) if I was struck by an enemy tackle or something.The really is slightly less enjoyable. My teammate throw a ball directly towards me. I put my hands up to catch it...and missed. It hit me right in the nose. Both teams laughed. Gee, why do I have to be in the same team as sadists? *sigh*. It was kinda humiliating, not to mention painful.
EZ news-Pope Speaks Out Against Violence
Ads-Support Group-Addicted to Counter-Strike? Love playing terrorists? Wanna bash Americans? Tired of playing but can't quit? Join a support group now! We promises that you'll never wanna shoot your com screen again! So what are you waiting for? Sign up now!-Al Qaeda Inc.
VATICAN CITY-In a completely unsurprising event in recent times, the Pope, Benedict XIV, speaks out against violence. He used hard-to-understand metaphors and quoted frequently from the Bible. He also said that 'all men are brothers', a slight which feminist activists are reportedly angry at. In any case, the Pope brings a clear message to the enemies of violence and Christianity-that God would not stand by will people kill each other.
Leonardo
VATICAN CITY-In a completely unsurprising event in recent times, the Pope, Benedict XIV, speaks out against violence. He used hard-to-understand metaphors and quoted frequently from the Bible. He also said that 'all men are brothers', a slight which feminist activists are reportedly angry at. In any case, the Pope brings a clear message to the enemies of violence and Christianity-that God would not stand by will people kill each other.
Leonardo
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Intelligent Debates
Here are some more conversations;
Me vs. the Optimist:
Andy:Good Morning!
Me: Actually it's a lousy morning.
Andy:No,it's not. Anyway, it's good weather, eh?
Me: How could you say that? It's, like, barely above freezing.
Andy: Shrugs.. it's good for the environment
Me:Huh?
Andy:Clearly, global warming is over-rated.
Me:Right.
Me: Did you know that our friend ***** have died because he tripped and fell into a gutter today while trying to steal liquor?
Him:It could have been worse.
Me:Huh? Your best friend died, how could it be worse than that?
Him:If they removed the manhole covers last week, I'll be dead
Student vs. un-resonable parent(s):
Youfye:Ermmm;here's my report book.
Quote from report:
Math teacher:I've seen worse
English teacher:Not as atrocious as some
Science teacher:She does not think that she's proud, but then again she doesn't think much else either.
Form teacher:I wish she'll find some form!!!!!
Head Teacher: Can't make Head nor tail of her.
Guidance counselor: Tries hard. At times, I could find her very trying indeed.
After ten minutes of loud noises;
Youfye's Father:If you don't have better grades by next year,somebody would be whipped.
Youfye's mother:I don't think corporal punishment is the only solution.
Youfye's father(pushing his wheelchair foward):
Nonsense!I got whipped a lot when I was young,and look at the man I am now!
Youfye's mother:But dear ,you can't walk.
Youfye's father:A small price to pay for perfect manners!
Students vs. too reasonable parent
Me: Dad, can I get a cell phone
Dad:Of course not
Me:But everybody has one
Dad: If everybody jumps from a building, would you do so?
Me: If the cumulative average jumps from a building, I'll conclude that the hazards barely exist and that it would be perfectly reasonable to jump from a building.
Dad: But it's not t-
Me: Exactly. So a better example of your argument would be, if everbody wears clothes, would you?
Dad:So you are perfectly contented with receiving the average?
Me: I suppose so.
Later...
Me:Ryan, can I buy your com game for 75 cents? It's my entire weeks allowance.
Ryan: You received the average Zimbabwean allowance, eh?
Me vs. the Optimist:
Andy:Good Morning!
Me: Actually it's a lousy morning.
Andy:No,it's not. Anyway, it's good weather, eh?
Me: How could you say that? It's, like, barely above freezing.
Andy: Shrugs.. it's good for the environment
Me:Huh?
Andy:Clearly, global warming is over-rated.
Me:Right.
Me: Did you know that our friend ***** have died because he tripped and fell into a gutter today while trying to steal liquor?
Him:It could have been worse.
Me:Huh? Your best friend died, how could it be worse than that?
Him:If they removed the manhole covers last week, I'll be dead
Student vs. un-resonable parent(s):
Youfye:Ermmm;here's my report book.
Quote from report:
Math teacher:I've seen worse
English teacher:Not as atrocious as some
Science teacher:She does not think that she's proud, but then again she doesn't think much else either.
Form teacher:I wish she'll find some form!!!!!
Head Teacher: Can't make Head nor tail of her.
Guidance counselor: Tries hard. At times, I could find her very trying indeed.
After ten minutes of loud noises;
Youfye's Father:If you don't have better grades by next year,somebody would be whipped.
Youfye's mother:I don't think corporal punishment is the only solution.
Youfye's father(pushing his wheelchair foward):
Nonsense!I got whipped a lot when I was young,and look at the man I am now!
Youfye's mother:But dear ,you can't walk.
Youfye's father:A small price to pay for perfect manners!
Students vs. too reasonable parent
Me: Dad, can I get a cell phone
Dad:Of course not
Me:But everybody has one
Dad: If everybody jumps from a building, would you do so?
Me: If the cumulative average jumps from a building, I'll conclude that the hazards barely exist and that it would be perfectly reasonable to jump from a building.
Dad: But it's not t-
Me: Exactly. So a better example of your argument would be, if everbody wears clothes, would you?
Dad:So you are perfectly contented with receiving the average?
Me: I suppose so.
Later...
Me:Ryan, can I buy your com game for 75 cents? It's my entire weeks allowance.
Ryan: You received the average Zimbabwean allowance, eh?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Explanation
Some people wondered why I didn't continue the Casiocracy topic.It is because of this letter:
Dear Sir/Ma'am/B&*%^/Ba#$%r%(tick one),
It is to our utmost displeasure to hear of you Casiocracy posts, which are thinly veiled-political lies at best. Thus,(a friendly tip) it may well be in your best interests to discontinue the falsehood as lying can be quite dangerous for one's health. People may well be offended by the completely untrue post. If, however, you persist in doing so, we cannot thus have a guilty conscience of the possible state of your health. Please note that your blog can and probably will be used in both legal and illegal action against you.
You have been warned,
^&*$%^&#$ government*
PS>Have a great day and be careful of falling objects!
*names have been changed to protect privacy
Dear Sir/Ma'am/B&*%^/Ba#$%r%(tick one),
It is to our utmost displeasure to hear of you Casiocracy posts, which are thinly veiled-political lies at best. Thus,(a friendly tip) it may well be in your best interests to discontinue the falsehood as lying can be quite dangerous for one's health. People may well be offended by the completely untrue post. If, however, you persist in doing so, we cannot thus have a guilty conscience of the possible state of your health. Please note that your blog can and probably will be used in both legal and illegal action against you.
You have been warned,
^&*$%^&#$ government*
PS>Have a great day and be careful of falling objects!
*names have been changed to protect privacy
Spore Jokes
China, Britain, America and Singapore were having a discussion on which intelligence agency was better.
In the end, the UN minister had a solution:Put four rabbits into four different forests, and have the Intelligence Agencies each try to find the rabbit in three monthsThe vastly under budgeted Mi6 could only afford a single slacking official and a small budget, so the only thing they had to show after all the time is a fatter official and some empty donut boxes. The CIA, on the other hand, were far more superior in both numbers and cash flow. They had Agents posing as trees around the entire forests, hundreds of CCTV cameras, and planted multiple rat and rock informers. After over 70 days(and $15000000 in taxpayer money), they wrote a 300 page report concluding that the rabbit does not exist.
The Chinese Spymasters, after 80 days of stake-out, decided that the rabbit must be found in the "hard way". So they set fire to the entire forest. Even though they didn't find the fleeing rabbit, the CSM decided that the rabbit 'was probably a capitalist' and deserved what he got. They offered no apology for their actions. Instead, the CCP(Chinese Communist Party) rewarded them for quick thinking and putting an end to the "Western rabbit"
The SSS(Singapore Secret Service) was confident that they could find the rabbit. Indeed, after only 4 days, the international community witnessed a bear(suffering from multiple cane wounds), shouting, "I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Joke 2:
A bunch of dogs were bragging about which country was the best
The American boxer dog was saying(in a Southern accent): Y'all can just, like, bark 'n' bark 'n' bark, and,like, some nice, guy, y' know would, like give you meat, y' know?
No the Zimbabwean shepherd was real confused, and he asked: "'hat ez meatt." All the dogs from industrialized nations were pretty smug and laughed. The Singapore dog, however, was even more confused. He asked: "What' loh-aye! What is bark, lah?"
Walkin' In the Rain
One of the annoyingest things about my current high school is that I live exactly(according to Google Maps) 1.3 miles(1.96km) from my school. The local government only provides school buses to those at least 1.5(2.4km) miles away. So I'm cut off by a clerical error. Talk about annoying. So, every single Godspam day, I have to walk. And walk. And walk even more. And for a change, jog. Today's especially annoying.
It was a rainy, gloomy weather. And it's cold. Like 50 degrees(10 C). And did I mention I'm wearing a T-shirt? Seriously uncool. So I tried to call my father to sk for a lift. The good news is that I didn't have to walk. The bad news is that jogging in the rain ain't that cool either. The really bad news is that I wear glasses, which means it's hard to see. The even worse news is that it's easy to trip. It's REALLY bad if some guy trips. On the street. On a really busy highway. When the lights are yellow. *Cough*. When they were yellow but changed to red. When there are three hundred-plus cars dying to move.
The good news is that they only honked. the bad news is that 300 honks at the same time isn't good for a guy's eardrums. Really. Which is kinda annoying.
It was a rainy, gloomy weather. And it's cold. Like 50 degrees(10 C). And did I mention I'm wearing a T-shirt? Seriously uncool. So I tried to call my father to sk for a lift. The good news is that I didn't have to walk. The bad news is that jogging in the rain ain't that cool either. The really bad news is that I wear glasses, which means it's hard to see. The even worse news is that it's easy to trip. It's REALLY bad if some guy trips. On the street. On a really busy highway. When the lights are yellow. *Cough*. When they were yellow but changed to red. When there are three hundred-plus cars dying to move.
The good news is that they only honked. the bad news is that 300 honks at the same time isn't good for a guy's eardrums. Really. Which is kinda annoying.
A Girl I Like-Part 4
Humans are defined by their tendency to do things that are statistically unprofitable. This is evidenced by, lottery, dating, and religion- Scott Adams. (This is why I really shouldn't get advice about love from humorists)
This set of posts has to be the longest ever. And the weird thing is, unlike most of my posts, which are half or (at-most) 4/5 true, every part of this series is completely true. Which is why I avoid names, because that would seriously create an identity problem if I only use real names.
Anyway, yesterday, I wrote "I love you" in Chinese(I hope she had a translator ready), lightly folded the paper, and put it into her hood(her jacket's hood), during lunch, when I was behind her in the line(queue in Queen's English). Today, during Lunch, I could have sworn I saw her smiling at me quite a few times. Admittedly, she could have been amused at the people having a birthday party not five feet behind me, but I'm keeping my hopes up.
Note:The reason why I wrote it in the way I did is because she'll know who send it(my ethnicity is remarkably rare in my high school), it's direct(you can't get more direct than 'I love you'), it's kinda romantic(I guess), and if the letter's intercepted or rejected outright, nobody would understand it. I'll just say that it's a memo for 'the Society of Chinese-Americans Who Have Nothing Better to do Than Sit Around and Brag about the Homeland' or something.
Suggestions?Comments?Insults?(Somehow, the latter seems so much more likely)
This set of posts has to be the longest ever. And the weird thing is, unlike most of my posts, which are half or (at-most) 4/5 true, every part of this series is completely true. Which is why I avoid names, because that would seriously create an identity problem if I only use real names.
Anyway, yesterday, I wrote "I love you" in Chinese(I hope she had a translator ready), lightly folded the paper, and put it into her hood(her jacket's hood), during lunch, when I was behind her in the line(queue in Queen's English). Today, during Lunch, I could have sworn I saw her smiling at me quite a few times. Admittedly, she could have been amused at the people having a birthday party not five feet behind me, but I'm keeping my hopes up.
Note:The reason why I wrote it in the way I did is because she'll know who send it(my ethnicity is remarkably rare in my high school), it's direct(you can't get more direct than 'I love you'), it's kinda romantic(I guess), and if the letter's intercepted or rejected outright, nobody would understand it. I'll just say that it's a memo for 'the Society of Chinese-Americans Who Have Nothing Better to do Than Sit Around and Brag about the Homeland' or something.
Suggestions?Comments?Insults?(Somehow, the latter seems so much more likely)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Intelligent Converstations
Note: a slightly different version is published here
As you might have already realized, I(Leo) am a cynic. Of course, if you live in the same environment as I live in, chances are that you're gonna develop a critical opinion of life as well. Here are a few dialogs to help illustrate my point:
Me talking with the wanna-be world dominator:
Me:Hiya!
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Hiya????!!!Just how illeterate can you get?When I conquer the world I am going to ban all forms of improper language.
Me:O..K
Yuamashita Suzuki: Are you listening to me?Why would anyone speak initials that stand for Oll Korrect(which in itself is a misspelling) if he's not a MORON??
Me: Do you want an honest answer, an flattering answer, or for me to ignore the question completely?
Him:Ignore the question.
Me:Ermmm... besides the fact that Ok is the most commonly spoken word on the planet, what do you mean by 'when I conquer the world'??Do you know that world domination is next to impossible?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Irrevelent.I'm gonna get a bunch of nukes, bomb Amelica and a couple of other countries, take over the rwmains and lead an army of radioactive matter across the rest of the civilized globe(The uncivilized ones would come later).
Me:How do you get acess to the nukes?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm gonna steal the rugby ball.
Me:It's called the football.
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Nevar mind that.
Me:At any rate,how do you steal the Football.It is a, like, completely secure object with over 10 NSA agents and several CIA agents watching over it.Oh and it is Bulletproof and permanently attached to an aide
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Never mind that.
Me(humoring him):So what exactly would you do to help mankind if you in the impossible event that you actually conquer the world?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm going to make it mandatory for all but the old and the infirm to jog for an hour while holding their mouth wide open.
Me(trying to humor him):Because you really think well of exercise and fresh air??
Yuanmashita Suzuki:No,because I reeeeeaaaaalllly hate flies.
As you might have already realized, I(Leo) am a cynic. Of course, if you live in the same environment as I live in, chances are that you're gonna develop a critical opinion of life as well. Here are a few dialogs to help illustrate my point:
Me talking with the wanna-be world dominator:
Me:Hiya!
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Hiya????!!!Just how illeterate can you get?When I conquer the world I am going to ban all forms of improper language.
Me:O..K
Yuamashita Suzuki: Are you listening to me?Why would anyone speak initials that stand for Oll Korrect(which in itself is a misspelling) if he's not a MORON??
Me: Do you want an honest answer, an flattering answer, or for me to ignore the question completely?
Him:Ignore the question.
Me:Ermmm... besides the fact that Ok is the most commonly spoken word on the planet, what do you mean by 'when I conquer the world'??Do you know that world domination is next to impossible?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Irrevelent.I'm gonna get a bunch of nukes, bomb Amelica and a couple of other countries, take over the rwmains and lead an army of radioactive matter across the rest of the civilized globe(The uncivilized ones would come later).
Me:How do you get acess to the nukes?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm gonna steal the rugby ball.
Me:It's called the football.
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Nevar mind that.
Me:At any rate,how do you steal the Football.It is a, like, completely secure object with over 10 NSA agents and several CIA agents watching over it.Oh and it is Bulletproof and permanently attached to an aide
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Never mind that.
Me(humoring him):So what exactly would you do to help mankind if you in the impossible event that you actually conquer the world?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm going to make it mandatory for all but the old and the infirm to jog for an hour while holding their mouth wide open.
Me(trying to humor him):Because you really think well of exercise and fresh air??
Yuanmashita Suzuki:No,because I reeeeeaaaaalllly hate flies.
Me talking to the village idiot:
Sulen:Dei!!!!!
Me:Erm.......hi
Sulen:You not gonna make me write a sentonce for our project. I AM NOT YOUR BEST OF BORDER
Me(to myself):Isn't it beast of burden??
Me:OK
Sulen:Good and help me do my homework but i was tell teacher about how you insolted my intolligence
Me(to myself):Oh, great.
Later.....
Ryan:What exactly did you want Sulen to do?
Me:Type out her name and email so that we could contact her.
Me talking to the Class Sissy:
(Ryan was telling a funny parody about Garfield).
Me:haha
(Quiswart walks up and slaps me in the face)
Me:Aw!What was that for?
Quiswart:You just laughed at my favorite idol.
Me(to myself):Huh??
Me(to Quiswart):That was parody,not satir, you filthy **t**
Quiswart: Leo scolded vulgar. Boo-wah-wawaaaaah!
Me:Stop pretending to cry!!
Quiswart(wiping away imaginary tears):I'm telling Ms.YURTOAPHER!!
Me:Hey!!Low Blow!
Quiswart:Haha!!!!
(Ms.Yurtoapher entered the classroom.)
Quiswart(pretended to cry again): Leo said the B-word to me!
Ms.Yurtoapher:Stand up,Leo! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
Me:Well...it was like th-
Ms.Yurtoapher:HOW DARE YOU SAY VULGAR IN MY CLASS!
Me:But-
Ms.Yurtoapher:DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS A MENACE TO CIVILIZED LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!AND THAT..................................................................................................................................................................................
Me:But...
Ms.Yurtoapher:Don't Talk back to me!APOLOGIZE
Me:Errrmm..
Ms.Yurtoapher:APLOGIZE!!!!!
Me:But y-
Ms.Yurtoapher:APLOGIZE!!!!!!!
Me(in a voice as scarastic as I could muster):Sorry,Quiswart!
(When Ms.Yurtoapher turned her head back to the blackboard, Quiswart stuck his tongue out and pointed his middle finger at me in the same instant)
Quotes from famous people and my ex-classmate re-interpretion
veni,vidi,vici(I came, I saw I conquered)-Julius Caesar
Sulen Tanick-I came,I ate, I swelled
Meditation brings wisdom. Lack of meditation leaves ignorance. Know well what would lead you forward and what would hold you back-The Buddha
Crayon You-Money brings nachos, lack of money would leave hunger. Know well what would lead you foward, and what would hold you back.
Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration-Albert Einstein
Quiswart-Success is 1% instructing and 99% pestering
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers-Gandhi
I believe in equality for everyone, except those other than myself- Sour Avenue
Ask not what the nation could do for you, ask what you could do for the nation-John F. Kennedy
Kwong Jenson-Ask not what the nation could do for you,ask what You could steal from the nation.
He who does not read has no advantages over he who cannot read-Mark Twain
He who does not insult has no advantages over he who cannot insult- Hilbert
Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. -anonymous
F***D*-Whom the potato would destroy,he first spits mad.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.-Galileo Galilee
Yuanmashita Suzuki-I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with knives, guns and nukes has intended us to forgo their use.
This is one small step for a man,a big leap for mankind-Neil Armstrong
Ms.Yurtoapher-This is one small mathematical problem for a class,a big leap in toture for teacherkind.
Sulen Tanick-I came,I ate, I swelled
Meditation brings wisdom. Lack of meditation leaves ignorance. Know well what would lead you forward and what would hold you back-The Buddha
Crayon You-Money brings nachos, lack of money would leave hunger. Know well what would lead you foward, and what would hold you back.
Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration-Albert Einstein
Quiswart-Success is 1% instructing and 99% pestering
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers-Gandhi
I believe in equality for everyone, except those other than myself- Sour Avenue
Ask not what the nation could do for you, ask what you could do for the nation-John F. Kennedy
Kwong Jenson-Ask not what the nation could do for you,ask what You could steal from the nation.
He who does not read has no advantages over he who cannot read-Mark Twain
He who does not insult has no advantages over he who cannot insult- Hilbert
Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. -anonymous
F***D*-Whom the potato would destroy,he first spits mad.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.-Galileo Galilee
Yuanmashita Suzuki-I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with knives, guns and nukes has intended us to forgo their use.
This is one small step for a man,a big leap for mankind-Neil Armstrong
Ms.Yurtoapher-This is one small mathematical problem for a class,a big leap in toture for teacherkind.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
A Girl I Like-Part 3
So, as a reader of my blog, you probably would know that there's this girl in my school that I like. (Check previous posts for similar titles). I'm planning to talk to her on Monday(tomorrow).Anyway, I hope you could wish me luck. At the very least, just wish me that something similar to my dream wouldn't happen. So just pray for me, okay? Thanks a lot of your help. Keep tuned to see how it goes.
_______________
_______________
The Utopian Chronicles-Chapter 1, The Airplane I
The airport official asked, "So your name's John Poe." John sighed, "No, it's John Doe." Official: "Oh. Anyway, please give me your brand-new toothpaste because we're afraid it might be a fluid bomb. That, and I'm out of toothpastes and don't have time to shop." John did so without complaint, thinking that airport officials are trustworthy.
He got on his Deathtrap Airlines airplane. "What's your cabin class?", the pretty air stewardess asked. "D", said John. The air stewardess showed him to the back of the plane. John sat on the plastic chair(comfortable semi-reclining chairs are only for economy class and higher" and tried not to fidget.
After a few minutes, the announcements were turned on:"Hi. I am Larry, your pilot for the day. We are approaching liftoff in approximately 5 to 60 minutes, depending on the engines. Could all passenger's please put on your seat belt. Otherwise, if you are in Class D, please tie on the piece of string provided. To entertain passengers, First Class has a state of the art entertainment system. Business and Economy can feel free to select between 20 and 40 channels. Class D passengers would have to make do with "Snakes on a plane", kindly hosted on a donated black-and-white TV. Restrooms are located between each cabin, with the exception of class D passengers, who are kindly advised to hold your water. If there is any quetions, all non-class D passengers feel free to ask the air stewardess. Otherwise, let's wait for our 1927 engine to decide the proper time of liftoff....Larry, have you checked the fuel tanks? No, have you? No, wanna stop and refuel? Not really, I want to practice my crash landing thingy again. You had all the fun last time you were the pilot. It's my turn. Hey, how do you turn off the announcements? Ouch! Wrong button. Maybe-" The announcements shut off
He got on his Deathtrap Airlines airplane. "What's your cabin class?", the pretty air stewardess asked. "D", said John. The air stewardess showed him to the back of the plane. John sat on the plastic chair(comfortable semi-reclining chairs are only for economy class and higher" and tried not to fidget.
After a few minutes, the announcements were turned on:"Hi. I am Larry, your pilot for the day. We are approaching liftoff in approximately 5 to 60 minutes, depending on the engines. Could all passenger's please put on your seat belt. Otherwise, if you are in Class D, please tie on the piece of string provided. To entertain passengers, First Class has a state of the art entertainment system. Business and Economy can feel free to select between 20 and 40 channels. Class D passengers would have to make do with "Snakes on a plane", kindly hosted on a donated black-and-white TV. Restrooms are located between each cabin, with the exception of class D passengers, who are kindly advised to hold your water. If there is any quetions, all non-class D passengers feel free to ask the air stewardess. Otherwise, let's wait for our 1927 engine to decide the proper time of liftoff....Larry, have you checked the fuel tanks? No, have you? No, wanna stop and refuel? Not really, I want to practice my crash landing thingy again. You had all the fun last time you were the pilot. It's my turn. Hey, how do you turn off the announcements? Ouch! Wrong button. Maybe-" The announcements shut off
The Utopian Chronicles-Prologue
Note-Please read the previous post for the disclaimer
John sighed. He's sick of work. He hadn't had a brink from the demanding job of a clerk since(pauses to think)...1999. "That's it!"He suddenly shouted to the whole room, full of other cubicle dwellers. "I've had enough of being a clerk!!I'm going on a vacation!" A few eyebrows wore raised, but nobody paid much attention. In Path-E-Tech Industries(a merger between Path Elite and Tech Industries), such outbursts were common.
John ignored all the skeptical looks of his co-workers and went straight home(well, almost. he had to file a 70-page leave-of-absence paper first so that his unpaid vacation days wouldn't cost him too much of his last month's salary"
When he got home from the two-hour,five-mile commute(yep, traffic's jammed), he dialed the number of a tourist agency he saw on his company newsletter.
"Path-E-Tech Industries. How may I help you?"
"Actually, I'm looking for a good place to spend the vacation. I guess it's the wrong number.."
"No. of course not. *cough*'Better World Tourism Agency, how may I help you?"
"I would like to go on a vacation to some pl-"
"Say no further. Just take our 10D9N package for a relaxing stay in Utopia"
"Never heard of it. Maybe Hawaii is more suitable fo-"
"Just Google Utopia.Trust me, you'll like it!"
John Doe Googled utopia. Wikipedia largely praised Utopia, so like the idiot he is, he trusted Wikipedia.
The next day, he went to the travel agency(coincidentally located next to his company), and paid the heavy fees(over 5 digits). But he's sure it'll be worth it, when he read the brochure,
Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides transportation(with your own butler) straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! organic Carpets! A unique furnishing design in your room! Your own tv and refrigerator! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!
So what are you waiting for?Sign up today!
John sighed. He's sick of work. He hadn't had a brink from the demanding job of a clerk since(pauses to think)...1999. "That's it!"He suddenly shouted to the whole room, full of other cubicle dwellers. "I've had enough of being a clerk!!I'm going on a vacation!" A few eyebrows wore raised, but nobody paid much attention. In Path-E-Tech Industries(a merger between Path Elite and Tech Industries), such outbursts were common.
John ignored all the skeptical looks of his co-workers and went straight home(well, almost. he had to file a 70-page leave-of-absence paper first so that his unpaid vacation days wouldn't cost him too much of his last month's salary"
When he got home from the two-hour,five-mile commute(yep, traffic's jammed), he dialed the number of a tourist agency he saw on his company newsletter.
"Path-E-Tech Industries. How may I help you?"
"Actually, I'm looking for a good place to spend the vacation. I guess it's the wrong number.."
"No. of course not. *cough*'Better World Tourism Agency, how may I help you?"
"I would like to go on a vacation to some pl-"
"Say no further. Just take our 10D9N package for a relaxing stay in Utopia"
"Never heard of it. Maybe Hawaii is more suitable fo-"
"Just Google Utopia.Trust me, you'll like it!"
John Doe Googled utopia. Wikipedia largely praised Utopia, so like the idiot he is, he trusted Wikipedia.
The next day, he went to the travel agency(coincidentally located next to his company), and paid the heavy fees(over 5 digits). But he's sure it'll be worth it, when he read the brochure,
Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides transportation(with your own butler) straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! organic Carpets! A unique furnishing design in your room! Your own tv and refrigerator! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!
So what are you waiting for?Sign up today!
The Utopian Chronicles
“Abandon all hopes of utopia - there are people involved”-Quote from Clayton Cramer
I am planning to write a fictional story about a tourist who wanders into Utopia(see Utopia) and finds out that he couldn't leave.
Note: The Utopian chronicle's-related posts are entirely works of fiction. All persons, places, or events comes from the author's imagination. Any similarities with real persons, places or things comes from the author's lack of imagination.
I am planning to write a fictional story about a tourist who wanders into Utopia(see Utopia) and finds out that he couldn't leave.
Note: The Utopian chronicle's-related posts are entirely works of fiction. All persons, places, or events comes from the author's imagination. Any similarities with real persons, places or things comes from the author's lack of imagination.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Violence breaks out in the middle East
Ads-The following is owned by Draconlord Industries, a news coruption Company!
Note:This is part of the trend of EZ-news, news that is easy to gather!
SOMEWHERE, MIDDLE EAST-In a completely unsurprisingly violent event today, an unknown person whom some claims to be a terrorist, has launched an attack that killed at least one person and injured many more. This sparks fears that ethnic conflict is common among the Middle East. Apparently, at least one rich oil investor decided to switch his stocks to something "less volatile."
More locally, Mr. Mohammad(possibly his real name), an Arabic man who may or may not be in some way the victims or the attacker or both says(in an accent), "This is a scary attack. This may will spark off genocidal strikes against my portion of Islam. I'm afraid to let my girls attend parties after nine or reveal their faces in public anymore."When asked whether he had already forbidden those things, Mr.Mohammad refused to comment.
Both Osama Bin Ladin and George W. Bush declined to comment on this when they heard a personal meeting with the reporter(at their own expense and risk) would have to be arranged
Note:This is part of the trend of EZ-news, news that is easy to gather!
SOMEWHERE, MIDDLE EAST-In a completely unsurprisingly violent event today, an unknown person whom some claims to be a terrorist, has launched an attack that killed at least one person and injured many more. This sparks fears that ethnic conflict is common among the Middle East. Apparently, at least one rich oil investor decided to switch his stocks to something "less volatile."
More locally, Mr. Mohammad(possibly his real name), an Arabic man who may or may not be in some way the victims or the attacker or both says(in an accent), "This is a scary attack. This may will spark off genocidal strikes against my portion of Islam. I'm afraid to let my girls attend parties after nine or reveal their faces in public anymore."When asked whether he had already forbidden those things, Mr.Mohammad refused to comment.
Both Osama Bin Ladin and George W. Bush declined to comment on this when they heard a personal meeting with the reporter(at their own expense and risk) would have to be arranged
The language of Laughter-Part 1
Many people asked me this question: How can you be funny? The answer isn't that obvious, actually. In humor, as in all other literary subjects, there are patterns to follow.
Lesson 1:Choice of words.
In a fantasy, impact is often delivered with powerful words. this doesn't mean that you have to use that many complicated words/phrases, just the right ones. Here's an example:
1)The rapier contacted, a canvas has been opened across the skin. Crimson liquid gently trickled through the canvas to land on the ground, increasing the productivity for the local flora and fauna by approximately 0.3%
2)The blade struck, and blood ran red.
Which one's better?
In humor, it's the same thing. Try to find funny-sounding words.
Here's an example(read out loud to see the difference)
1)What's the capital of Japan?Mitsubishi
2)What is the capital of japan?Toyota.
Although the answers both mean the same(a car manufacturer), clearly a) sounds better
2)Similarities.
Often, a person is most attracted to things he can relate to. For instance, my favorite blog is Andy's, which isn' t very funny(when one thinks 100% objectively) but is so similiar to my brand of humor that it could sometimes be hard to see the difference. the only slight difference is the topics, I deal more with concepts such as ideas, religions, government types(eg, A Girl I Like, Chuananity, Casiocracy), while he deals with events and conversations more(eg, day 1 behind the wheel, real vulgar, stuff like that).
3)Emphasis,emphasis, emphasis
Often emphasis on a single word could change the entire meaning of a sentence. Here's an example(emphasis is in italics)
1)What is said:I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:just what it syas, no implications
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:Somebody else said it
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I really didn't say that
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I implied it
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I said somebody else is a idiot
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:He was one in the past or future
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He's more than a single idiot, presumably plural form is suitable
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He is other, presumably worse things.
Lesson 1:Choice of words.
In a fantasy, impact is often delivered with powerful words. this doesn't mean that you have to use that many complicated words/phrases, just the right ones. Here's an example:
1)The rapier contacted, a canvas has been opened across the skin. Crimson liquid gently trickled through the canvas to land on the ground, increasing the productivity for the local flora and fauna by approximately 0.3%
2)The blade struck, and blood ran red.
Which one's better?
In humor, it's the same thing. Try to find funny-sounding words.
Here's an example(read out loud to see the difference)
1)What's the capital of Japan?Mitsubishi
2)What is the capital of japan?Toyota.
Although the answers both mean the same(a car manufacturer), clearly a) sounds better
2)Similarities.
Often, a person is most attracted to things he can relate to. For instance, my favorite blog is Andy's, which isn' t very funny(when one thinks 100% objectively) but is so similiar to my brand of humor that it could sometimes be hard to see the difference. the only slight difference is the topics, I deal more with concepts such as ideas, religions, government types(eg, A Girl I Like, Chuananity, Casiocracy), while he deals with events and conversations more(eg, day 1 behind the wheel, real vulgar, stuff like that).
3)Emphasis,emphasis, emphasis
Often emphasis on a single word could change the entire meaning of a sentence. Here's an example(emphasis is in italics)
1)What is said:I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:just what it syas, no implications
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:Somebody else said it
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I really didn't say that
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I implied it
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I said somebody else is a idiot
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:He was one in the past or future
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He's more than a single idiot, presumably plural form is suitable
2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He is other, presumably worse things.
Unpopular Bookstore-The Smart Consumer
This is a supposedly true story that occurred to my friend Andy:
Andy:I wish to purchase a book for a friend of mine
Shopkeeper:Hi!Welcome to Unpopular bookstore? What books would you like to buy?
Andy:The gift variety.
Shopkeeper:Errm..what exactly?
Andy:A book. Something with pages, words, made of paper.
Shopkeeper:Could you be more specific?
Andy:A fantasy?
Shopkeeper:Just a little bit more specific
Andy:Hmmm...maybe it should have magic in it?
Shopkeeper:Oh man. A hard case.
Andy:On second thoughts, I'll be a little more specific. It should contain supernatural aspects
Shopkeeper:Sir, would you like to look for the books by yourself.
Andy:Fine, fine. You guys are sure friendly
Later...
Andy:Okay, I purchased the books.
Shopkeeper:Lets see; Conversations with god, Raising Hell, and Be a Lawyer:How to benefit from the arguments of others
Andy:Neat choice of books,eh?
Shopkeeper:Right...that would be 99.99 SGD(Slave's Grand Dollar), please
Andy:Fine, fine.(digs in unidentifiable places).Here;
Shopkeeper:Is that a gift cert?
Andy:No, five twenty percent coupons.
Shopkeeper: You can't use coupons together!Just read line 7
Andy:Didn't see anything. It says; Coupons can ot be used together.
Shopkeeper:Let me see that.....looks like a typo to me.
Andy:So the customer's supposed to pay for your mistake?
Shopkeeper:arrrggghhhh..fine, your purchase has been accepted.If you have any questions, please hessitate to ask.
Andy(slaps two 50 dollar bills):here
Shopkeeper(dim amount of hope entering his eyes):Cool!So you wanted to pay after all?
Andy:No. Actually I wanted the change....in pennies.
Shopkeeper: arrrggggghhhh
Andy:Really barbaric people in a bookstore. Who would have guessed?
Andy:I wish to purchase a book for a friend of mine
Shopkeeper:Hi!Welcome to Unpopular bookstore? What books would you like to buy?
Andy:The gift variety.
Shopkeeper:Errm..what exactly?
Andy:A book. Something with pages, words, made of paper.
Shopkeeper:Could you be more specific?
Andy:A fantasy?
Shopkeeper:Just a little bit more specific
Andy:Hmmm...maybe it should have magic in it?
Shopkeeper:Oh man. A hard case.
Andy:On second thoughts, I'll be a little more specific. It should contain supernatural aspects
Shopkeeper:Sir, would you like to look for the books by yourself.
Andy:Fine, fine. You guys are sure friendly
Later...
Andy:Okay, I purchased the books.
Shopkeeper:Lets see; Conversations with god, Raising Hell, and Be a Lawyer:How to benefit from the arguments of others
Andy:Neat choice of books,eh?
Shopkeeper:Right...that would be 99.99 SGD(Slave's Grand Dollar), please
Andy:Fine, fine.(digs in unidentifiable places).Here;
Shopkeeper:Is that a gift cert?
Andy:No, five twenty percent coupons.
Shopkeeper: You can't use coupons together!Just read line 7
Andy:Didn't see anything. It says; Coupons can ot be used together.
Shopkeeper:Let me see that.....looks like a typo to me.
Andy:So the customer's supposed to pay for your mistake?
Shopkeeper:arrrggghhhh..fine, your purchase has been accepted.If you have any questions, please hessitate to ask.
Andy(slaps two 50 dollar bills):here
Shopkeeper(dim amount of hope entering his eyes):Cool!So you wanted to pay after all?
Andy:No. Actually I wanted the change....in pennies.
Shopkeeper: arrrggggghhhh
Andy:Really barbaric people in a bookstore. Who would have guessed?
Two Red Lights
Every time I walk to and from school, I have to pass two red lights. Which wouldn't have been that annoying, except that it's every single time. Which makes it kinda annoying, obviously. I have a couple of theories about why is that so:
1. The S'Pore government hates me so much that it persuades the US government to make the red lights whenever I come by.
2. The Christiananity church wants to get back at me for insulting their god so they rigged it.
3. God wants to punish me for insulting him
4. The International Brotherhood of nerds want to get back at me for revealing scared data to the "two-eyes" population.
5.It's the Arctum theory:I have convenient lapses of memory whenever I pass a green light.
6.I'm just darn unlucky
Number 5's the least likiest because I keep track of this type of info in my notepad, so unless I subconciously erase and edit whatever piece of data whenever I'm asleep, Number 5 doesn't work.
Comment.
1. The S'Pore government hates me so much that it persuades the US government to make the red lights whenever I come by.
2. The Christiananity church wants to get back at me for insulting their god so they rigged it.
3. God wants to punish me for insulting him
4. The International Brotherhood of nerds want to get back at me for revealing scared data to the "two-eyes" population.
5.It's the Arctum theory:I have convenient lapses of memory whenever I pass a green light.
6.I'm just darn unlucky
Number 5's the least likiest because I keep track of this type of info in my notepad, so unless I subconciously erase and edit whatever piece of data whenever I'm asleep, Number 5 doesn't work.
Comment.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Personality Test
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Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of mine 'are you a com nerd quiz' , I decided to create a personality test that appeals to a wide range of personalities.
Instructions: On a piece of paper, please enter the letter that is closest to your answer for each question.
Question 1:What is your greatest ambition?
a)what's an ambition?
b)Going to Harvard and getting straight As there.
c)Helping others whenever and wherever you can
d)i)Stealing the football from the nerd in the white house
ii) Stealing the Football from the nerd in the White House.
e)Winning the international DoTA tournaments
f)Staying home and watching TV
Question 2:you saw your classmate being hit by some hoodlums. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Who, me ? I didn't see anything.
c)call the police. Then enter the melee and try to help your friend. It's the right thing to do.
d)Join in and take your share of the loot.
e)'Borrow' his com games. Blame the hoodlums the next day if he's still looking for the game
f)Stay home and watch TV
Question 3: What do your friends call you?
a) i had friends? Nobody ever told me!
b)nerd
c)Mr/Ms. Manners
d)So far, no one's stupid enough to call me anything
e)Gamelord
f)Cool!I Love Friends.It's a great show!
Question 4: If someone would give you a million dollars, what do you do?
a)What's a dollar?
b)Put it on savings for your college
c)Donate it. It's the right thing to do.
d)Buy some grenades and a couple of AK-47s(one for my home, one for my school, one in the car, and a few spares.)
e)Invest it in the best gaming system ever!
f)Just watch TV and tell your little sister to take care of boring stuff like that
Question 5: You're falling in love with your friends' girlfriend. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Tell the two of them to join you at a table and diplomatically re-evaluate each of your wants and needs
c)Ignore your emotions. It's the right thing to do.
d)Kill him and take advantage of her while she's upset
e)Cool, this happens to mine character in one of mine Sims games
f)Stay home and watch TV
Question 6:Your classmate hosted a party while his/her parents are out-of-town. A few days later, his/her parents called you and asked what happened. What do you do?
a)You never get invited to par-you forgot what it's caled
b)You are too busy studying to go to these parties
c)Shoulder all the blame. It's the right thing to do.
d)Blame everything on him. Confess all the crimes he did and did not do.
e)Give an anonymous suggestion that his parents ban him from using the laptop for a month or two. Heck, there's no point in not taking advantage of the situation.
f)Turn off the phone, stay home and watch TV
Question 7: Which of the following clubs/associations are you likely to attend?
a)Association of Short Term Memory Losers
b)Smartkids.com
c)Boy Scouts
d)The American Society of Sadists
e)The Gamer's Alliance
f)Cable On Demand
Question 8: What is your favorite movie/program and why?
a)The thing that pops up when you don't move your mouse or hit any keys on your com. It's an epic mini series.
b)The Discovery Channel
c)LOTR(It's cool to have good triumph over evil)
d)Saving Private Ryan. Go Nazis!!
e)Star Wars. 'cause I like their games
f)Whatever's on TV that needs minimal flipping of the remote control
Question 9:You see an attempted murder victim in the last throes of dying.What do you do?
a)What's murder?
b)Cool, just the human dissection corpse we did for my bio class!My teacher would be soooo pleased
c)Call the police and try to comfort him in the meantime
d)Finish the job
e)Call the police and borrow whatever com games he have.He won't need them anymore
f)Stay home and watch TV
Question 10: Lightning has struck the TV broadcasting tower.What do you do?
a)It's a sign of god's displeasure!Run for your life!
b)Ask someone to pay you to fix it.
c)Find a nerd to fix it.It's the right thing to do.
d)Take this time to do some mischief.
e)Play com. It doesn't affect you at all.
f)Stay home, turn on your com, and watch You-tube
Mostly A's:You are an idiot
Mostly B's:You are a nerd, and a serious case at that
Mostly C's:You are nice guy. Admitting this problem is the first step to its solution
Mostly D's:You are a somewhere between a playground bully and a full-blown sadist.
Mostly E's:You are a gamer
Mostly F's:You are a couch potatoe
Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of mine 'are you a com nerd quiz' , I decided to create a personality test that appeals to a wide range of personalities.
Instructions: On a piece of paper, please enter the letter that is closest to your answer for each question.
Question 1:What is your greatest ambition?
a)what's an ambition?
b)Going to Harvard and getting straight As there.
c)Helping others whenever and wherever you can
d)i)Stealing the football from the nerd in the white house
ii) Stealing the Football from the nerd in the White House.
e)Winning the international DoTA tournaments
f)Staying home and watching TV
Question 2:you saw your classmate being hit by some hoodlums. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Who, me ? I didn't see anything.
c)call the police. Then enter the melee and try to help your friend. It's the right thing to do.
d)Join in and take your share of the loot.
e)'Borrow' his com games. Blame the hoodlums the next day if he's still looking for the game
f)Stay home and watch TV
Question 3: What do your friends call you?
a) i had friends? Nobody ever told me!
b)nerd
c)Mr/Ms. Manners
d)So far, no one's stupid enough to call me anything
e)Gamelord
f)Cool!I Love Friends.It's a great show!
Question 4: If someone would give you a million dollars, what do you do?
a)What's a dollar?
b)Put it on savings for your college
c)Donate it. It's the right thing to do.
d)Buy some grenades and a couple of AK-47s(one for my home, one for my school, one in the car, and a few spares.)
e)Invest it in the best gaming system ever!
f)Just watch TV and tell your little sister to take care of boring stuff like that
Question 5: You're falling in love with your friends' girlfriend. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Tell the two of them to join you at a table and diplomatically re-evaluate each of your wants and needs
c)Ignore your emotions. It's the right thing to do.
d)Kill him and take advantage of her while she's upset
e)Cool, this happens to mine character in one of mine Sims games
f)Stay home and watch TV
Question 6:Your classmate hosted a party while his/her parents are out-of-town. A few days later, his/her parents called you and asked what happened. What do you do?
a)You never get invited to par-you forgot what it's caled
b)You are too busy studying to go to these parties
c)Shoulder all the blame. It's the right thing to do.
d)Blame everything on him. Confess all the crimes he did and did not do.
e)Give an anonymous suggestion that his parents ban him from using the laptop for a month or two. Heck, there's no point in not taking advantage of the situation.
f)Turn off the phone, stay home and watch TV
Question 7: Which of the following clubs/associations are you likely to attend?
a)Association of Short Term Memory Losers
b)Smartkids.com
c)Boy Scouts
d)The American Society of Sadists
e)The Gamer's Alliance
f)Cable On Demand
Question 8: What is your favorite movie/program and why?
a)The thing that pops up when you don't move your mouse or hit any keys on your com. It's an epic mini series.
b)The Discovery Channel
c)LOTR(It's cool to have good triumph over evil)
d)Saving Private Ryan. Go Nazis!!
e)Star Wars. 'cause I like their games
f)Whatever's on TV that needs minimal flipping of the remote control
Question 9:You see an attempted murder victim in the last throes of dying.What do you do?
a)What's murder?
b)Cool, just the human dissection corpse we did for my bio class!My teacher would be soooo pleased
c)Call the police and try to comfort him in the meantime
d)Finish the job
e)Call the police and borrow whatever com games he have.He won't need them anymore
f)Stay home and watch TV
Question 10: Lightning has struck the TV broadcasting tower.What do you do?
a)It's a sign of god's displeasure!Run for your life!
b)Ask someone to pay you to fix it.
c)Find a nerd to fix it.It's the right thing to do.
d)Take this time to do some mischief.
e)Play com. It doesn't affect you at all.
f)Stay home, turn on your com, and watch You-tube
Mostly A's:You are an idiot
Mostly B's:You are a nerd, and a serious case at that
Mostly C's:You are nice guy. Admitting this problem is the first step to its solution
Mostly D's:You are a somewhere between a playground bully and a full-blown sadist.
Mostly E's:You are a gamer
Mostly F's:You are a couch potatoe
Nerdmares
You ever had a dream that's real scary when you are actually dreaming but seems harmless, funny, and even a little(sometimes a lot) nerdy when you are awake? Anyway, I have these all the time. I christen these dreams nerdmares, mostly because I can't think of a more creative name.
For instance, there's this dream I had a couple of months ago. It was like this: I was walking near some grassy places (Don't ask me why, dreams aren't that logical). So, anyway, I saw Quiswart, someone from my elementary school who is just a little bit(ok, a lot) of a sissy. "Ha!" he said, "my computer's faster than yours!" I was kinda creeped out, although I'm not sure it mattered. Then, I turned left. There was, like, a 50-inch flat screen computer monitor. There was the green numbers ticking backwards from 8. I don't know why, but I started running. Then, there was a big explosion of greenish light. Next thing I know, i was awake, covered completely in cold sweat. My first impulse was to run. Then, I hit my slipped off my bed and hit my head on the floor. Ouch.
More recently, I had a nerdmare a couple of days ago. It went like this: I was walking down a hallway. I saw the girl I..err...admire. So, I finally plucked up my courage to talk to her. I said: "I like you""I like me too." "That's not what you're supposed to say" "Oh?" "You're, like, supposed to say you like me" "Okay, I li-, Hey, you're trying to trick me!"
Then, Evan (not his real name) came along.
Him:You just tried to trick my girlfriend?
Me:No, I didn't
Him:Yes you did.
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:Double no!
Him:Triple yes!
Me:Quadruple no!
Him: Qui-...qui..qui...erm...yes times infinity to the power of infinity!Ha, I won!
Me:Uh-Oh
Then, there was a brilliant blue light.creepy
I was floating upwards...slowly but surely. I heard, in a man's voice, the following:You have now entered the gate way to heaven 724-I19. Please give your student ID number to faciliate tracking. Me:28901. "Wrong." Me:"How did you know that it's wrong?" Him:"I am God. I have infinete powers." Me:"Right" Him:"I have detected scarasm. For that sin(and because I had a really lousy day), Go to hell!!"
Then I woke up
For instance, there's this dream I had a couple of months ago. It was like this: I was walking near some grassy places (Don't ask me why, dreams aren't that logical). So, anyway, I saw Quiswart, someone from my elementary school who is just a little bit(ok, a lot) of a sissy. "Ha!" he said, "my computer's faster than yours!" I was kinda creeped out, although I'm not sure it mattered. Then, I turned left. There was, like, a 50-inch flat screen computer monitor. There was the green numbers ticking backwards from 8. I don't know why, but I started running. Then, there was a big explosion of greenish light. Next thing I know, i was awake, covered completely in cold sweat. My first impulse was to run. Then, I hit my slipped off my bed and hit my head on the floor. Ouch.
More recently, I had a nerdmare a couple of days ago. It went like this: I was walking down a hallway. I saw the girl I..err...admire. So, I finally plucked up my courage to talk to her. I said: "I like you""I like me too." "That's not what you're supposed to say" "Oh?" "You're, like, supposed to say you like me" "Okay, I li-, Hey, you're trying to trick me!"
Then, Evan (not his real name) came along.
Him:You just tried to trick my girlfriend?
Me:No, I didn't
Him:Yes you did.
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:Double no!
Him:Triple yes!
Me:Quadruple no!
Him: Qui-...qui..qui...erm...yes times infinity to the power of infinity!Ha, I won!
Me:Uh-Oh
Then, there was a brilliant blue light.creepy
I was floating upwards...slowly but surely. I heard, in a man's voice, the following:You have now entered the gate way to heaven 724-I19. Please give your student ID number to faciliate tracking. Me:28901. "Wrong." Me:"How did you know that it's wrong?" Him:"I am God. I have infinete powers." Me:"Right" Him:"I have detected scarasm. For that sin(and because I had a really lousy day), Go to hell!!"
Then I woke up
Thursday, October 18, 2007
PD1101-The Unauthorized History of Pardus 1
When I was in National University of Yugoslavia High, my friend's used to joke that I'll be teaching people how to 'pardus'(a really addictive game at pardus.at) if I'm a teacher. Well, I decided to try my hand at it.
Note:The following is a work of fiction. To see the 'real' story, go to here
Note:This class is mandatory(core module) to all students interested in majoring in Pardus.
Chapter 1
There has always been games. Ever since the first caveman played with bones and created tic-tac-toe, there has been games. Inventors have always wanted to make games superior, to make life funner for all, be they sports, on a piece of paper, board, imagination, gamebooks, or computer games. History has been rife with games, with each game more complicated, each creation of greater ingenuity and expense. But the time that games could be limited to boards, PCs, cities and countries are long gone, since the Americans(Vinton Cerf,) invented the Internet.
When the American Werner Bayer went to University on his Ford Explorer and met Michael Sizell, they both realized(to their shock) that they aren't the only com nerds in the universe.
Okay. Here concludes lesson 1. How do you guys like it so far?
Note:The following is a work of fiction. To see the 'real' story, go to here
Note:This class is mandatory(core module) to all students interested in majoring in Pardus.
Chapter 1
There has always been games. Ever since the first caveman played with bones and created tic-tac-toe, there has been games. Inventors have always wanted to make games superior, to make life funner for all, be they sports, on a piece of paper, board, imagination, gamebooks, or computer games. History has been rife with games, with each game more complicated, each creation of greater ingenuity and expense. But the time that games could be limited to boards, PCs, cities and countries are long gone, since the Americans(
When the American Werner Bayer went to University on his Ford Explorer and met Michael Sizell, they both realized(to their shock) that they aren't the only com nerds in the universe.
Okay. Here concludes lesson 1. How do you guys like it so far?
Utopia
I created an imaginary country to base my parody/satires on. It's called Utopia(The name kinda fit).
Full name:The Democratic Monarchy of Utopia
National flag:
(yes, it's a black box)
System of Government:Democratic Monarchy
Languages:Binary
Motto:War is Peace, Love is Hate, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength
National Song:Jingle Bells
National Religion:Radical Atheism
Year Founded:The Dawn of Time(allegedly)
Ruling Party:The Hackers and Crackers Party
Largest City: Large City
Smallest City: Doom&Gloomsville
Population:Varies. Depending on various factors, including famine, flood, drought, baby booms,
and of course, population taxes and subsidies. Before the pop tax, approx. pop is 44 million.
Afterwards, approx.pop is 10,000
Crime Rate: Between 1 per year to five million per year, depending on who could be more believed.
National Pledge:I pledge myself as a citizen of the democratic monarchy of Utopia, and to the Emperor, for which all stands, one nation, above God, indestructible, with booty and servants for all.
Full name:The Democratic Monarchy of Utopia
National flag:
(yes, it's a black box)
System of Government:Democratic Monarchy
Languages:Binary
Motto:War is Peace, Love is Hate, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength
National Song:Jingle Bells
National Religion:Radical Atheism
Year Founded:The Dawn of Time(allegedly)
Ruling Party:The Hackers and Crackers Party
Largest City: Large City
Smallest City: Doom&Gloomsville
Population:Varies. Depending on various factors, including famine, flood, drought, baby booms,
and of course, population taxes and subsidies. Before the pop tax, approx. pop is 44 million.
Afterwards, approx.pop is 10,000
Crime Rate: Between 1 per year to five million per year, depending on who could be more believed.
National Pledge:I pledge myself as a citizen of the democratic monarchy of Utopia, and to the Emperor, for which all stands, one nation, above God, indestructible, with booty and servants for all.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
A Girl I Like-Part 2
I accidentally overheard while eavesdropping on her(maybe not that accidental) that she broke up with her boyfriend. Call me a sadist, but I can't say I feel too sorry for him. My next step is writing her a love letter or something. The trick is to clearly express my feelings for her while (at the same time) not leave too embrassing a scene in case she refused(very likely) or if the letter is intercepted. Any ideas?
________________
My current plan is to wait till Monday so she could kinda recover from breaking up with him(She was the one who brought it up so she shouldn't be too upset, but still.). Then, I'll write "I love you" in Chinese, put it on a piece of paper, and either hand it to her or put it into her handbag. Sure, about 1.3 billion people probably already tried that. Nonetheless, I can't think of a better plan. Comments?
________________
My current plan is to wait till Monday so she could kinda recover from breaking up with him(She was the one who brought it up so she shouldn't be too upset, but still.). Then, I'll write "I love you" in Chinese, put it on a piece of paper, and either hand it to her or put it into her handbag. Sure, about 1.3 billion people probably already tried that. Nonetheless, I can't think of a better plan. Comments?
Saturday, October 13, 2007
A Girl I Like
There's,like, this girl in my school that I really...erm...admire. The problem(other than a high amount of your's truly's physical, mental and emotional defects) is that I barely know her. Which shouldn't have been much of a problem, but I'm not that familiar with American High Schools yet. And I have a tendency to be chronically shy to stuff I'm not that familiar with. So I couldn't pick up the courage to talk to her. Oh, and she has a boyfriend. That's another problem.
So I have a major dilenma. If you could help me, feel free to comment.
So I have a major dilenma. If you could help me, feel free to comment.
Friday, October 12, 2007
World geography
Let's begin the test!Mwahahaha-Somebody in Dilbert's You tube movies
I always had an impression that Amelicans are ignorant of world affairs. Even so, we had a test for my entry to ERHS (Extremely Rigorous Hard Stuff) test. I aced the test. Here are the questions and answers.
Q:What is the capital of Korea?
A:Mitsubishi
Q:What does A.D. stand for?
A:African delinquents
Q:Give one main reason behind Egypt's fall.
A:They displeased their god, Zeus, by building pyramids instead of spheres. He sent a tidal wave to crush their entire city.
Q:What is China's currency pegged to?
A:The Belgian stamp collector's club
Q:What is the second most populated continent in the world?
A:Antarctica
Q:Name acts against humanity that the Soviet Union has been charged by the U.N.
A:The banning of chewing gum
Q: What is Nazi short for?
A:New Zealand
Q:What's the difference between Africa and Europe?
Africa's a country whereas Europe is a planet.
Ads:Lousy at geography? Go to "Crimes R Us" for creative ideas to help boost your memory!
I always had an impression that Amelicans are ignorant of world affairs. Even so, we had a test for my entry to ERHS (Extremely Rigorous Hard Stuff) test. I aced the test. Here are the questions and answers.
Q:What is the capital of Korea?
A:Mitsubishi
Q:What does A.D. stand for?
A:African delinquents
Q:Give one main reason behind Egypt's fall.
A:They displeased their god, Zeus, by building pyramids instead of spheres. He sent a tidal wave to crush their entire city.
Q:What is China's currency pegged to?
A:The Belgian stamp collector's club
Q:What is the second most populated continent in the world?
A:Antarctica
Q:Name acts against humanity that the Soviet Union has been charged by the U.N.
A:The banning of chewing gum
Q: What is Nazi short for?
A:New Zealand
Q:What's the difference between Africa and Europe?
Africa's a country whereas Europe is a planet.
Ads:Lousy at geography? Go to "Crimes R Us" for creative ideas to help boost your memory!
Great excuses for being late(Part three)
Quote:i had a very good excuse.I just left it at home-Calvin
Excuse 7:Teacher's Pet
Example's:*Huff, Puff* Finally...got....an....apple...for...you....sir/ma'am.....ran...all...the...way...to...the...mall...
Rating:3.0/5.0.Very Effective Sometimes. However, if your teacher is greedy, you may need to buy an iPod instead of the fruit(which seriously drains your purse).
Excuse 8:Ignorance is Strength
Example:Huh?I'm late?That's impossible!Like, isn't there a rule saying it's okay to be late on the second week of October?No?It's on the school's website?What's a website?
Rating:2.5/5.0 Gee, depends. Whether or not you are a good actor is entirely up to you.
Excuse 9:Just weird
Example:I was, like, reading this blog about great excuses to be late and lost track of time. So here's my excuse:
Rating:2.0/5.0 Not sure how this works, never tried it myself
Excuse 10:THE TRUTH
Example:I was thinking of great excuses be late to school and I lost track of time
Rating0.0/5.0 Trust me, it reeealllllly doesn't work. I know from personal experience.
Excuse 7:Teacher's Pet
Example's:*Huff, Puff* Finally...got....an....apple...for...you....sir/ma'am.....ran...all...the...way...to...the...mall...
Rating:3.0/5.0.Very Effective Sometimes. However, if your teacher is greedy, you may need to buy an iPod instead of the fruit(which seriously drains your purse).
Excuse 8:Ignorance is Strength
Example:Huh?I'm late?That's impossible!Like, isn't there a rule saying it's okay to be late on the second week of October?No?It's on the school's website?What's a website?
Rating:2.5/5.0 Gee, depends. Whether or not you are a good actor is entirely up to you.
Excuse 9:Just weird
Example:I was, like, reading this blog about great excuses to be late and lost track of time. So here's my excuse:
Rating:2.0/5.0 Not sure how this works, never tried it myself
Excuse 10:THE TRUTH
Example:I was thinking of great excuses be late to school and I lost track of time
Rating0.0/5.0 Trust me, it reeealllllly doesn't work. I know from personal experience.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Ten Great Excuses for being Late to school(Part Two)
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Excuse 4: The Hard Worker
Example: I had been studying for my geometry quiz until 4 AM today so I barely had anytime for school.This said... I must suggest that you push the geometry quiz to tommorow because I had a mistaken impression on Chapter 17 Part A Section 3...
Rating: 4.5/5.0 Really Successful. Trust me. It even has a bonus advantage of explaining why you failed ,say, history.
Excuse 5: Pathetic Dude
Example: Please.... I know it's my fault... my second uncle in-law would kill me if he knew I broke the family tradition. Have mercy... be kind... I know I don't deserve this, but still..
Rating: 2.5/5.0 Works better for females than guys. Especially effective if you are good looking
Excuse 6: The Pragmatist
Example: I have a perfectly logical reason to explain why I'm late. It's mostly an accidental occurrence that involves subjective laws of equality
Rating: 2.0/5.0 Seriously, if you could pull this one off, you ought to be in law school instead of grade school
Excuse 4: The Hard Worker
Example: I had been studying for my geometry quiz until 4 AM today so I barely had anytime for school.This said... I must suggest that you push the geometry quiz to tommorow because I had a mistaken impression on Chapter 17 Part A Section 3...
Rating: 4.5/5.0 Really Successful. Trust me. It even has a bonus advantage of explaining why you failed ,say, history.
Excuse 5: Pathetic Dude
Example: Please.... I know it's my fault... my second uncle in-law would kill me if he knew I broke the family tradition. Have mercy... be kind... I know I don't deserve this, but still..
Rating: 2.5/5.0 Works better for females than guys. Especially effective if you are good looking
Excuse 6: The Pragmatist
Example: I have a perfectly logical reason to explain why I'm late. It's mostly an accidental occurrence that involves subjective laws of equality
Rating: 2.0/5.0 Seriously, if you could pull this one off, you ought to be in law school instead of grade school
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Ten Great Excuses for being late to school(Part 1)
Ads: Welcome to the world of interesting, non-crappy....er... stuff!
On the way to my school, I thought of a lot of good excuses to say if someone's late for school.So anyway, here:
Excuse 1: The Traditional approach
Example:So, like, my dog ate my homework and I was like,searching and searching and searching, then I found that puppy of a b%^%& had it at a scrap, and---/So my car, for the fifth time in a row, got stuck in the traffic,
Rating:2/5. Considering the amount of people who use this approach, wwwwaaaayyy too overrated. On the plus side, almost everyone believes this excuse
Excuse 2: The Philosopher's method
Example: I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking that I was thinking that it was on a Sunday in which I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking that I was thinking that it was on a Sunday.
Rating: 3/5 Useful only if your discipline master's a retard or your philosophy teacher(or both)
Excuse 3: Whiner,whiner,whiner
Example: First, my alarm clock broke down because my little brother smashed it. Then, my parents car broke down because somebody drove it in a race. Then, the bus came late. Than, the really stupid sidewalk tripped me. Then..
Rating:2.5/5 Works first time you try it 'cause the VP will fall asleep.Works second time 'cause the sub will feel sorry for you. The hundred and fifth time, on the other hand...
On the way to my school, I thought of a lot of good excuses to say if someone's late for school.So anyway, here:
Excuse 1: The Traditional approach
Example:So, like, my dog ate my homework and I was like,searching and searching and searching, then I found that puppy of a b%^%& had it at a scrap, and---/So my car, for the fifth time in a row, got stuck in the traffic,
Rating:2/5. Considering the amount of people who use this approach, wwwwaaaayyy too overrated. On the plus side, almost everyone believes this excuse
Excuse 2: The Philosopher's method
Example: I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking that I was thinking that it was on a Sunday in which I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking that I was thinking that it was on a Sunday.
Rating: 3/5 Useful only if your discipline master's a retard or your philosophy teacher(or both)
Excuse 3: Whiner,whiner,whiner
Example: First, my alarm clock broke down because my little brother smashed it. Then, my parents car broke down because somebody drove it in a race. Then, the bus came late. Than, the really stupid sidewalk tripped me. Then..
Rating:2.5/5 Works first time you try it 'cause the VP will fall asleep.Works second time 'cause the sub will feel sorry for you. The hundred and fifth time, on the other hand...
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