Note that this is a collaboration post that continues the story told in here
Why the ****(oh, use your imagination) does Andy have to drive the car????Of all the people in the world, why do I have to get the most incompetent driver in the universe??? It's kind of scary when you consider that he probably broke down every single traffic rule in existence(never driver the wrong way in a one-way road, never drive on two lanes, never go over 110mph in a 20-year old car, never go past red lights when the light is already red for over two minutes, just to name a few). It's ridiculous. And terrifying. Within ten minutes, I'm shutting my eyes and hoping that, by some miracle, I'll survive. Within 15, I revised my hope to a quick death.
I guess I must have gotten asleep, because we were already in California's international airport when Andy woke me up(not directly. it was the collision that done it). As for how we could have covered a 3-day journey during the time of my nap, I do not want to know. Really. It's just a little bit intimidating.
On the bright side, both of us got out of the car before it transformed from transportation machine into nuclear furnace. Lucky us. Then we had to go past customs. (We had different lines so I had no idea how his went). Anyway, the dude at the checkpoint stopped me. He said, "I heard the US customs official stopped you on alleged terrorist charges." Me:"Kinda" Him: "This is serious." Me: "Gee, do you think? But he was an incompetent excuse of a customs official" Him: So what do you Koreans want to do in Utopia? Bomb Borgia Tech?
Here we go again......
Fortunately, after a lot of useless words, the conversation came to this:
Him:Are you a insane homeland-terrorist serial killer?
Me:As I said the first couple hundred times, no.
Him: Then why are you Korean??
Me:I'm F@ckiing Chinese!!!!
Him:Right.
Me:Fine. fine. I'm, a terrorist. happy?
Him: Okay. You could go now.
Me: Huh?
Him: Our local government has a very strong anti-terrorist stance. if there aren't at least a few terrorists stirring up stuff, they might potentially lose an re-election.
Besides that, the process went smoothly until I was walking to the pre-appointed place to meet Andy.
A slick-looking guy with a counterfeit tuxedo, a suitcase in one hand and a brochure in the other stopped me. "Well, well, sir. You look like an intelligent man. Do you know how dangerous planes are?." He waved the brochure under my nose "Perhaps you'd like to purchase our premium health insurance policy??"
I was about to refuse. But they I thought of our trip to California. If that's the amount of damage one idiot could do with a car, imagine the effect of an incompetent airplane pilot. I reached for the brochure. Him: Just one minor question before we start. What airline do you use? Me: Ermmm...Deathtrap Airlines
Quick as a snake, he snatched the brochure from my hand. "I can't insure them!" he screeched, "They are the worst!!"
I walked away and shrugged, consoling myself that there wouldn't be any dangers. While walking, I slipped and fell. Hard. Not a very auspicious beginning.
Over(Or not. Your call)
Showing posts with label Utopia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Utopia. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 2)
"YEAH!!I WON 2 TICKETS!!" I said
Andy:WE WON 2 TICKETS!
Me:WE??It's my ticket! I paid for it!
Andy: Well, who's coming with you?Your parents?
Me:No. For starters, my girlfriend
Andy:You don't have a girlfriend
Me:Totally irreverent. I have pretty high hopes that Karen will like me sooner or later
Andy:Yeah. When pigs fly.
Me:How did you guess what she said?
Andy:Lucky guess. Seriously, you don't have much of a hope.
Me: Yes I do. I'm hedging my bets on the cross-genetics of a bat-pig.
Andy:Right. But you need to take a break from all that genetics. So we might as well go to Utopia
Me:Fine. I'll just check the website out. On the link they gave(BeckandBillchips.com/randomcheapskateprize/Utopia/Lowclass/superlow/brochure), It said:
Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides chauffeured transportation straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! Organic carpets!Antique furniture! A unique furnishing design in your rooms! Your own tv and refrigerator! Private bathing facilities! Great food! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!
It also gave a phone number
Me:You call.
Over.
Andy:WE WON 2 TICKETS!
Me:WE??It's my ticket! I paid for it!
Andy: Well, who's coming with you?Your parents?
Me:No. For starters, my girlfriend
Andy:You don't have a girlfriend
Me:Totally irreverent. I have pretty high hopes that Karen will like me sooner or later
Andy:Yeah. When pigs fly.
Me:How did you guess what she said?
Andy:Lucky guess. Seriously, you don't have much of a hope.
Me: Yes I do. I'm hedging my bets on the cross-genetics of a bat-pig.
Andy:Right. But you need to take a break from all that genetics. So we might as well go to Utopia
Me:Fine. I'll just check the website out. On the link they gave(BeckandBillchips.com/randomcheapskateprize/Utopia/Lowclass/superlow/brochure), It said:
Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides chauffeured transportation straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! Organic carpets!Antique furniture! A unique furnishing design in your rooms! Your own tv and refrigerator! Private bathing facilities! Great food! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!
It also gave a phone number
Me:You call.
Over.
Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 1)
I promised Andy that I'll visit him in The President's Inn. Within ten minutes, I regretted the decision. Since I'm not legally old enough to drive by myself, I have to do a combination of walking and taking a bus. Which is okay, except that the place here is cold. And when I say cold, I don't mean cold. I mean COLD .As in reaaaallll cold. At least it wouldn't be that cold in the hotel, I thought. First mistaken assumption of the day.
When I arrived at the President's Inn, I found that THEY HADN'T TURNED ON THE THERMOSTAT. Which is bad. Really bad. Oh, and to top it off, they had the air-conditioning pouring cold air. At full blast. Andy mentioned that the people here are unfashionable, but this is taking out-of-season to a whole new level. Anyway, I was hungry and wanted to grab a bite to eat. So I did. The only problem is that the cafeteria's serving ice cream. So I went to one of these old chips machines. You know, one of the 25-cents for a moldy chip bag chips? Yeah, those types. On the top of the packet, it says {Win a ticket for two to Utopia}. Personally, I'll feel lucky just to win a full, unspoilt bag of chips.
Anyway, I got into Andy's hotel room after my purchase. "What took you so long?" he asked. Me:"Two late buses, three accidents, one avalanche and an old lady's groceries." Him: "Oh"
He grabbed my bag of chips and proceeded to tear it open with his teeth. Yuck, I thought. Anyway, I didn't feel like getting the bag back(wonder why). So I changed the subject. We were talking about his experiences as a bus driver when he choked.
After a lot of sputtering from both of us(one of us was laughing while the other's coughing. Guess who), a plastic sheet popped out of his mouth. It said
Congratulations!You have won a pair of tickets and two-weeks worth of free hotel reservations to Utopia!
When I arrived at the President's Inn, I found that THEY HADN'T TURNED ON THE THERMOSTAT. Which is bad. Really bad. Oh, and to top it off, they had the air-conditioning pouring cold air. At full blast. Andy mentioned that the people here are unfashionable, but this is taking out-of-season to a whole new level. Anyway, I was hungry and wanted to grab a bite to eat. So I did. The only problem is that the cafeteria's serving ice cream. So I went to one of these old chips machines. You know, one of the 25-cents for a moldy chip bag chips? Yeah, those types. On the top of the packet, it says {Win a ticket for two to Utopia}. Personally, I'll feel lucky just to win a full, unspoilt bag of chips.
Anyway, I got into Andy's hotel room after my purchase. "What took you so long?" he asked. Me:"Two late buses, three accidents, one avalanche and an old lady's groceries." Him: "Oh"
He grabbed my bag of chips and proceeded to tear it open with his teeth. Yuck, I thought. Anyway, I didn't feel like getting the bag back(wonder why). So I changed the subject. We were talking about his experiences as a bus driver when he choked.
After a lot of sputtering from both of us(one of us was laughing while the other's coughing. Guess who), a plastic sheet popped out of his mouth. It said
Congratulations!You have won a pair of tickets and two-weeks worth of free hotel reservations to Utopia!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
History-The Utopian Civil Wars
Now, class, this is the BoaN parody of a history class. Pay attention. Thanks! Don't pretend to read this post while dozing off. I'm talking to you. Yes, you!! Don't act innocent!So pay attention! Sit up straight
Anyway, as avid history students already knew, Utopia was founded in the dawn of time. At least, that's what it says on the Utopian history book. An alternative theory was once advanced that Bill Gates founded the country as a cultural test tube for computers, but no proofs have been advanced, other than the obvious.*
The first Utopian Civil War began in 1924. It was a war that was aptly known as the color wars, a complex battle fought between "Reds" and "Blues." The reason behind the war is complex and intriguing, but it basically boils down to this: The "Reds" believe that red is the best color whereas the "Blues" are naturally inclined to favor the color blue. Extremely intelligent arguments were given by both sides to support their thesis, for instance "Human blood is red. Red is the chosen color for the noble race","Since the sky is blue, god has favored his children to be blue. Duh!" and "Even a idiot knows that red's the coolest color out there. If you don't believe that, you are a even dumber idiot than a idiot." and other intelligent comments like that.
By the fall of 1940, the entire country, despite attempts to secure peace from both sides and neutrals like greens and blacks trying to save the nation, was like a metaphorical powder keg. Only one spark would be enough to set the entire country exploding. That spark was started in Dumbsville. A Red politician, Mr.Crimson and a Blue politician, Mr. Azure were just entering peace talks when, to his shock and horror, Mr. Crimson saw that Azure's socks were showing! Not only that, but they are blue! Believing that to be a deliberate insult to his affiliation, Mr.Crimson immediately reacted in what he believed to be the most appropriate way: He punched Mr.Azure. Red blood spilled out of Azure, and believing it to be a sign of heaven, Crimson led his forces into a merry way of destruction against all Blues, ransacking their homes, spray-painting everything red and destroying anything they could find.
So began the most violent war in Utopian history. Between 0 and three billion casualties(depending on who you believe) was caused by this war. Men, women and children were slaughtered mercilessly. Neutrals were often caught in the crossfire. Accusations of betrayal were common, and anyone caught using the opponents color were denounced as traitors and subsequently hanged. Indeed, within the first few months of the war, Blue generals made it mandatory for all soldiers to carry swabs of cotton so that their blood could be wiped
away to reduce the risk of friendly fire. During the later part of the war, the Reds made an unsuccessful(fortunately) nuclear mission to annihilate the ocean so "That big patch of b!ueness wouldn't have to interfere with our b!@# eyes."
The war was finally ended when both sides ran out of ink and dyes and decided to sign a peace treaty using a black pen**. The treaty now hangs in the National Monument Park(or at least it did, until it was stolen)
*Utopian language is based on binomial, a language of 0s and 1s. However, their mathematics is rather backward and their religion prohibits belief in 0s, so their language is effectively a language of 1s. A typical Utopian sentence would be the following:
1111 1 1 1 11 1 1111 1111 11 1 1111 1 1 1 1 11 11 11 1111111111111111 1 1 1 1 1 1111 111 1 1 1 1 1 11 1 11 1 11 1 111.
**That is what is said in contemporary history books. Blues still claim they won in February 30th, or F-Day, whereas Reds claim that they have eradicated the color Blue completely and that our current blue is just a pale imitation of red
Anyway, as avid history students already knew, Utopia was founded in the dawn of time. At least, that's what it says on the Utopian history book. An alternative theory was once advanced that Bill Gates founded the country as a cultural test tube for computers, but no proofs have been advanced, other than the obvious.*
The first Utopian Civil War began in 1924. It was a war that was aptly known as the color wars, a complex battle fought between "Reds" and "Blues." The reason behind the war is complex and intriguing, but it basically boils down to this: The "Reds" believe that red is the best color whereas the "Blues" are naturally inclined to favor the color blue. Extremely intelligent arguments were given by both sides to support their thesis, for instance "Human blood is red. Red is the chosen color for the noble race","Since the sky is blue, god has favored his children to be blue. Duh!" and "Even a idiot knows that red's the coolest color out there. If you don't believe that, you are a even dumber idiot than a idiot." and other intelligent comments like that.
By the fall of 1940, the entire country, despite attempts to secure peace from both sides and neutrals like greens and blacks trying to save the nation, was like a metaphorical powder keg. Only one spark would be enough to set the entire country exploding. That spark was started in Dumbsville. A Red politician, Mr.Crimson and a Blue politician, Mr. Azure were just entering peace talks when, to his shock and horror, Mr. Crimson saw that Azure's socks were showing! Not only that, but they are blue! Believing that to be a deliberate insult to his affiliation, Mr.Crimson immediately reacted in what he believed to be the most appropriate way: He punched Mr.Azure. Red blood spilled out of Azure, and believing it to be a sign of heaven, Crimson led his forces into a merry way of destruction against all Blues, ransacking their homes, spray-painting everything red and destroying anything they could find.
So began the most violent war in Utopian history. Between 0 and three billion casualties(depending on who you believe) was caused by this war. Men, women and children were slaughtered mercilessly. Neutrals were often caught in the crossfire. Accusations of betrayal were common, and anyone caught using the opponents color were denounced as traitors and subsequently hanged. Indeed, within the first few months of the war, Blue generals made it mandatory for all soldiers to carry swabs of cotton so that their blood could be wiped
away to reduce the risk of friendly fire. During the later part of the war, the Reds made an unsuccessful(fortunately) nuclear mission to annihilate the ocean so "That big patch of b!ueness wouldn't have to interfere with our b!@# eyes."
The war was finally ended when both sides ran out of ink and dyes and decided to sign a peace treaty using a black pen**. The treaty now hangs in the National Monument Park(or at least it did, until it was stolen)
*Utopian language is based on binomial, a language of 0s and 1s. However, their mathematics is rather backward and their religion prohibits belief in 0s, so their language is effectively a language of 1s. A typical Utopian sentence would be the following:
1111 1 1 1 11 1 1111 1111 11 1 1111 1 1 1 1 11 11 11 1111111111111111 1 1 1 1 1 1111 111 1 1 1 1 1 11 1 11 1 11 1 111.
**That is what is said in contemporary history books. Blues still claim they won in February 30th, or F-Day, whereas Reds claim that they have eradicated the color Blue completely and that our current blue is just a pale imitation of red
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Utopian Chronicles-Chapter 1, The Airplane I
The airport official asked, "So your name's John Poe." John sighed, "No, it's John Doe." Official: "Oh. Anyway, please give me your brand-new toothpaste because we're afraid it might be a fluid bomb. That, and I'm out of toothpastes and don't have time to shop." John did so without complaint, thinking that airport officials are trustworthy.
He got on his Deathtrap Airlines airplane. "What's your cabin class?", the pretty air stewardess asked. "D", said John. The air stewardess showed him to the back of the plane. John sat on the plastic chair(comfortable semi-reclining chairs are only for economy class and higher" and tried not to fidget.
After a few minutes, the announcements were turned on:"Hi. I am Larry, your pilot for the day. We are approaching liftoff in approximately 5 to 60 minutes, depending on the engines. Could all passenger's please put on your seat belt. Otherwise, if you are in Class D, please tie on the piece of string provided. To entertain passengers, First Class has a state of the art entertainment system. Business and Economy can feel free to select between 20 and 40 channels. Class D passengers would have to make do with "Snakes on a plane", kindly hosted on a donated black-and-white TV. Restrooms are located between each cabin, with the exception of class D passengers, who are kindly advised to hold your water. If there is any quetions, all non-class D passengers feel free to ask the air stewardess. Otherwise, let's wait for our 1927 engine to decide the proper time of liftoff....Larry, have you checked the fuel tanks? No, have you? No, wanna stop and refuel? Not really, I want to practice my crash landing thingy again. You had all the fun last time you were the pilot. It's my turn. Hey, how do you turn off the announcements? Ouch! Wrong button. Maybe-" The announcements shut off
He got on his Deathtrap Airlines airplane. "What's your cabin class?", the pretty air stewardess asked. "D", said John. The air stewardess showed him to the back of the plane. John sat on the plastic chair(comfortable semi-reclining chairs are only for economy class and higher" and tried not to fidget.
After a few minutes, the announcements were turned on:"Hi. I am Larry, your pilot for the day. We are approaching liftoff in approximately 5 to 60 minutes, depending on the engines. Could all passenger's please put on your seat belt. Otherwise, if you are in Class D, please tie on the piece of string provided. To entertain passengers, First Class has a state of the art entertainment system. Business and Economy can feel free to select between 20 and 40 channels. Class D passengers would have to make do with "Snakes on a plane", kindly hosted on a donated black-and-white TV. Restrooms are located between each cabin, with the exception of class D passengers, who are kindly advised to hold your water. If there is any quetions, all non-class D passengers feel free to ask the air stewardess. Otherwise, let's wait for our 1927 engine to decide the proper time of liftoff....Larry, have you checked the fuel tanks? No, have you? No, wanna stop and refuel? Not really, I want to practice my crash landing thingy again. You had all the fun last time you were the pilot. It's my turn. Hey, how do you turn off the announcements? Ouch! Wrong button. Maybe-" The announcements shut off
The Utopian Chronicles-Prologue
Note-Please read the previous post for the disclaimer
John sighed. He's sick of work. He hadn't had a brink from the demanding job of a clerk since(pauses to think)...1999. "That's it!"He suddenly shouted to the whole room, full of other cubicle dwellers. "I've had enough of being a clerk!!I'm going on a vacation!" A few eyebrows wore raised, but nobody paid much attention. In Path-E-Tech Industries(a merger between Path Elite and Tech Industries), such outbursts were common.
John ignored all the skeptical looks of his co-workers and went straight home(well, almost. he had to file a 70-page leave-of-absence paper first so that his unpaid vacation days wouldn't cost him too much of his last month's salary"
When he got home from the two-hour,five-mile commute(yep, traffic's jammed), he dialed the number of a tourist agency he saw on his company newsletter.
"Path-E-Tech Industries. How may I help you?"
"Actually, I'm looking for a good place to spend the vacation. I guess it's the wrong number.."
"No. of course not. *cough*'Better World Tourism Agency, how may I help you?"
"I would like to go on a vacation to some pl-"
"Say no further. Just take our 10D9N package for a relaxing stay in Utopia"
"Never heard of it. Maybe Hawaii is more suitable fo-"
"Just Google Utopia.Trust me, you'll like it!"
John Doe Googled utopia. Wikipedia largely praised Utopia, so like the idiot he is, he trusted Wikipedia.
The next day, he went to the travel agency(coincidentally located next to his company), and paid the heavy fees(over 5 digits). But he's sure it'll be worth it, when he read the brochure,
Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides transportation(with your own butler) straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! organic Carpets! A unique furnishing design in your room! Your own tv and refrigerator! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!
So what are you waiting for?Sign up today!
John sighed. He's sick of work. He hadn't had a brink from the demanding job of a clerk since(pauses to think)...1999. "That's it!"He suddenly shouted to the whole room, full of other cubicle dwellers. "I've had enough of being a clerk!!I'm going on a vacation!" A few eyebrows wore raised, but nobody paid much attention. In Path-E-Tech Industries(a merger between Path Elite and Tech Industries), such outbursts were common.
John ignored all the skeptical looks of his co-workers and went straight home(well, almost. he had to file a 70-page leave-of-absence paper first so that his unpaid vacation days wouldn't cost him too much of his last month's salary"
When he got home from the two-hour,five-mile commute(yep, traffic's jammed), he dialed the number of a tourist agency he saw on his company newsletter.
"Path-E-Tech Industries. How may I help you?"
"Actually, I'm looking for a good place to spend the vacation. I guess it's the wrong number.."
"No. of course not. *cough*'Better World Tourism Agency, how may I help you?"
"I would like to go on a vacation to some pl-"
"Say no further. Just take our 10D9N package for a relaxing stay in Utopia"
"Never heard of it. Maybe Hawaii is more suitable fo-"
"Just Google Utopia.Trust me, you'll like it!"
John Doe Googled utopia. Wikipedia largely praised Utopia, so like the idiot he is, he trusted Wikipedia.
The next day, he went to the travel agency(coincidentally located next to his company), and paid the heavy fees(over 5 digits). But he's sure it'll be worth it, when he read the brochure,
Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides transportation(with your own butler) straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! organic Carpets! A unique furnishing design in your room! Your own tv and refrigerator! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!
So what are you waiting for?Sign up today!
The Utopian Chronicles
“Abandon all hopes of utopia - there are people involved”-Quote from Clayton Cramer
I am planning to write a fictional story about a tourist who wanders into Utopia(see Utopia) and finds out that he couldn't leave.
Note: The Utopian chronicle's-related posts are entirely works of fiction. All persons, places, or events comes from the author's imagination. Any similarities with real persons, places or things comes from the author's lack of imagination.
I am planning to write a fictional story about a tourist who wanders into Utopia(see Utopia) and finds out that he couldn't leave.
Note: The Utopian chronicle's-related posts are entirely works of fiction. All persons, places, or events comes from the author's imagination. Any similarities with real persons, places or things comes from the author's lack of imagination.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Utopia
I created an imaginary country to base my parody/satires on. It's called Utopia(The name kinda fit).
Full name:The Democratic Monarchy of Utopia
National flag:
(yes, it's a black box)
System of Government:Democratic Monarchy
Languages:Binary
Motto:War is Peace, Love is Hate, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength
National Song:Jingle Bells
National Religion:Radical Atheism
Year Founded:The Dawn of Time(allegedly)
Ruling Party:The Hackers and Crackers Party
Largest City: Large City
Smallest City: Doom&Gloomsville
Population:Varies. Depending on various factors, including famine, flood, drought, baby booms,
and of course, population taxes and subsidies. Before the pop tax, approx. pop is 44 million.
Afterwards, approx.pop is 10,000
Crime Rate: Between 1 per year to five million per year, depending on who could be more believed.
National Pledge:I pledge myself as a citizen of the democratic monarchy of Utopia, and to the Emperor, for which all stands, one nation, above God, indestructible, with booty and servants for all.
Full name:The Democratic Monarchy of Utopia
National flag:
(yes, it's a black box)
System of Government:Democratic Monarchy
Languages:Binary
Motto:War is Peace, Love is Hate, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength
National Song:Jingle Bells
National Religion:Radical Atheism
Year Founded:The Dawn of Time(allegedly)
Ruling Party:The Hackers and Crackers Party
Largest City: Large City
Smallest City: Doom&Gloomsville
Population:Varies. Depending on various factors, including famine, flood, drought, baby booms,
and of course, population taxes and subsidies. Before the pop tax, approx. pop is 44 million.
Afterwards, approx.pop is 10,000
Crime Rate: Between 1 per year to five million per year, depending on who could be more believed.
National Pledge:I pledge myself as a citizen of the democratic monarchy of Utopia, and to the Emperor, for which all stands, one nation, above God, indestructible, with booty and servants for all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
