Note:I felt guilty for not posting much lately, so I made this post extra, extra-long. Also, I'm starting to experiment with different colors and fonts, just for fun. If it gives you eyesore, just mail me and I'll stop. The last thing I want to do is to have a 'blog' like the attention seekers in Myspace or Facebook, who hide behind glitter, pictures, and wacko font, presumable to conceal the fact that their actual posts are bullcr@p.
Ok, now, for the most interesting part of the series, I will tell a story. You might be wondering why the style is somewhat unfamiliar. That's because it is actually based (very loosely) on a childhood story(in chinese), however, I cranked the irony and sarcasm up a few notches. In fact, it could be said to be the textbook example of satire. So without further ado, let's begin.
(puts on storytelling voice)
The Just King.
Once upon a time, in an islandish citiesh kingdom far, far, away, there was a king. He was often said to be a wise, just and kind king*. In fact, he consider himself to be the wisest, justest** and kindest king in the world.
He was so just, wise and kind that he has audience with his subjects on a frequent basis. Indeed, he treats his subjects as equals. Here are just a few of the many times he showed justice, kindness and wisdom:
The Hideous Menace
On one of the few times (being such a great king, he's often busy) he has holidays***, the king decided to take a walk in the streets to experience the common life of the city-dwellers. Of course, his people, very properly, showed some slight respect by following the 5 Ls, as he walked by namely, lowering their eyes, lowering their tone of voice slightly,a Little amount of respectable smiles and of course, Lowering their bodies and kissing the ground and laying the red carpet.
As he was walking by, he noticed an extremely unsightly scene. There was a taint to the national monument****(His statue, somewhat larger than life and created with a slight amount of artistic license^)!!!! So, naturally, being the just and wise king he is, he asked one of his many subjects why there was an unsightly piece of grayish blobbing mass on the pores of his nose.
Oh, kind, just and wise king, may you live for ten thousand and one years^^ the man began(It was a few hours before he finished reciting the many titles), "The people of Rojung West are famished because of your great, benevolent taxes-"
"-voluntary donations!!" a person in black, one of the king's many, non-secretive, purely civilian police snapped.
"Sorry I misspoke, oh supreme king. They are starving because of the 130% of income voluntary donations imposed on them. Therefore, some could only afford to chew gum. Without the Sanitation Bill you so wisely vetoed, we could only deposit our used garbage in the nearby place, and as the only surface area not already filled to the chest in garbage and corpses, one of the youngsters, well..." The man trailed off.
The king went back to his palace, deep in thought. He took many hours before he came to a conclusion. Finally, he painstakingly wrote a few words on his gold plated toiletries^^^ and asked his Grand Vizier to come in. The Grand Vizier looked at the Royal Proclamation and sighed.
G.V. :Are you sure about this?It might-
W.K.J.King:Yes, certainly.
G.V. :But the economic potential lost, not to mention the complaints of the rich-
W.K.J. King:Am I the king or are you??!!!! If we can't make enough money from the taxes, just scrap the 107th sculpture!!!! DO IT!!NOW
G.V.:Yes, be-
W.K.J.King:Are you still there?
G.V.:No, sir.
And so, chewing gum was banned.
Justice
One day, the king held audience in his chambers. A man(let's just call him thief), who somehow managed to appear scruffy despite being in a rich fur coat and several diamond- and ruby- necklaces came to the king and groveled, careful not to do so in the same carpet as His Majesty.
"Ole Kind Wise and.......," he said, "As you have already in your omniscience known, I have been most grievously and treacherously wounded in the course of my profession. I was just doing my job, trying to break in a climb through a window and entering a house to appropriate the goods, when the window ledge most dastardly broke, causing me to lose my balance and break my back, never able to work again. Please, sir, punish the b@stard who owned the house."
"That's Outrageous!" The king said. "he dares to do that in my kingdom?? Not a chance!!"
So he summoned the house-owner, whom we should call House-owner, to him. House-owner, thinking fast, blamed the builder. So, naturally, he summoned the builder.
The man we would call Builder almost lost his life before he recalled the events on that day, so long ago. "Your....", he said," The building of that ledge would have been correct, but while I was hammering, I saw a beautiful young lady in a scarlet dress, and I lost my train of thought, thus propelling me to miss and hit my hand, causing me to crash and fell off the ladder."
It took some time before the king's NCPP(Non-secretive, Civilian, Purely-innocent, Police) found the woman. By that time, the king was in a fury. "How dare you appear beautiful and wear a sc, scar, sc-...urggghhh, red dress, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???
The woman, a very intelligent lady, quickly said, "Sir, my looks are a result of god. My dress is because of my tailor. Clearly, neither is my fault."
The Wise, Kind and Just king mulled over this and finally said, "I could only think of one solution."
"What?" everybody asked in trepidation.
"Penalizing god." he said calmly. From now onwards, anyone worshipping god would be sent to prison or executed.
It took a couple of convincing arguments from priests, a lot of dead bodies, the king's internal battle (and minor help from a couple of conveniently placed lightning strikes) to make the king change his mind.
So he went on the other lead, and summoned the tailor, a tall, thin, man, who we should ca-
Reader:Let me guess?Tailor.
Writer:No, his name is Timothy. What made you think of a stupid name like tailor??Geez.
The king, red-faced with anger, proclaimed, " how dare you make a red dress, causing the lady to put it on, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???!!!"
Timothy was at a loss for words. Who heard of making it a crime to make a red dress? Besides, since when are burglars so insistent on their rights?
"Ah, silent, aren't you??" the king said wisely, justly, and kindly nasty. "Guilt overriding your conscience?No excuses? Well, well, well. GUARDS!!", he said, raising his voice, "To the gallows with this man!!"
After a while, a masked man in black and holding a axe came back, apologetic and red-faced(at least in the parts that are not masked). "Sir, sorry, the tailor is too tall. He can't fit in the gallows."
"Then find another shorter tailor to hang. Duh! Must I think of everything?"
The tall tailor and everybody else was let free, and a short, somewhat unlucky tailor was ushered in. Needless to say, he fit, and his head was later cut off and displayed on the bridge, a fitting warning for any future evil-doers.
And so, Justice was done.
*And often accompanied with the phrase, "a selfish, idiotic, pain in the arse, and I definetely didn't say that.
**he was wise and kind enough to invent a new word
***The holiday was the 16th anniversary of the fifth day after his first royal proclaimation, to be exact.
****The king believed in bringing beauty to the city. He also believed himself to be the most handsome man alive. Might as well apply both
^Besides different colored eyes, facial shape, lack of zits, hairstyle, poses, and proportion of limbs and torso, the statue is exactly proportionate to the king, on a 50:1 scale
^^The king heard that chinese emperors have their subjects wishing them to live ten thousand years. The W.K.J. king take it as a personal affront.
^^^Some rich people merely have gold-plated toilet seats. The king have gold-plated toilet paper as well.
