Disclaimer

All posts on this blog are considered fictional and are a result of the author's imagination Any resemblances to real persons, places, events or things are purely accidental or coincidental and are a result of the author's lack thereof.

Readers may assume my posts are real at their own risk.





*btw, I say this because my physics class classmates found out the url a couple of weeks ago.

Going to China-Part 2

Note:This wasn't written in real time. Leonardo had this on his diary for quite some time but never got round to posting it for reasons I can't reveal. (This is Andy, safeguarding some part of Leo's e-diary)

Anyway, we had to stay in Tokyo for a while because our transfer flight didn't work as expected because of our previous delay . Which should be really lousy, but since the airline provided us with five-star hotel reservations, not really. And that's cool. Really. No joke about it. On a totally unrelated note, Yuanmashita gave me a parcel for just this scenerio. He gave a very evil laugh when doing so. Something about killing the {infideltraitorminister}. Werid

I'll write more but there are men in black outside the spa shouting "Get the **** guy who killed the Prime minister's twin brother!!!" I guess I'll just have to watch the f

Going to China-Part 1

Okay, so I had to go to Beijing, China. Which should have been quite cool. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to a dry, freezing place filled with sand, destructive and dangerous winds, a pollution index of over 200, and entire buildings covered by layers of grime? Sounds like the perfect holiday place to me.

The problem is that my parents and I ain't the only people to think of taking advantage of such a brilliant place. Lots of other people are also just literally dying to buy tickets to tour China. That's why the only tickets to Beijing in our financial capabilities(under 5k) from the place I used to live in has to be transfered twice. Scary. At least I think its scary to be in unknown places with possible terrorist connections and definete language barriers. But that's just personal preferences. Some people might consider such to be the high point of their holiday. Really. These some people are highly recommended to take a vacation in Utopia.

Anyway, on the way to Tokyo from Detroit(So maybe I spelt it wrong. So sue me), the 747 had to stop in Alaska because somebody's package accidentally got on the plane without the passenger. Apparently it's neccessary to retrieve the package and stop the plane in mid-flight. Gee, a REALLY important package. Either that, or terrorist connections


I'll write more but the online systems charge by the minute

Utopia-Customs un-official

Note that this is a collaboration post that continues the story told in here


Why the ****(oh, use your imagination) does Andy have to drive the car????Of all the people in the world, why do I have to get the most incompetent driver in the universe??? It's kind of scary when you consider that he probably broke down every single traffic rule in existence(never driver the wrong way in a one-way road, never drive on two lanes, never go over 110mph in a 20-year old car, never go past red lights when the light is already red for over two minutes, just to name a few). It's ridiculous. And terrifying. Within ten minutes, I'm shutting my eyes and hoping that, by some miracle, I'll survive. Within 15, I revised my hope to a quick death.

I guess I must have gotten asleep, because we were already in California's international airport when Andy woke me up(not directly. it was the collision that done it). As for how we could have covered a 3-day journey during the time of my nap, I do not want to know. Really. It's just a little bit intimidating.

On the bright side, both of us got out of the car before it transformed from transportation machine into nuclear furnace. Lucky us. Then we had to go past customs. (We had different lines so I had no idea how his went). Anyway, the dude at the checkpoint stopped me. He said, "I heard the US customs official stopped you on alleged terrorist charges." Me:"Kinda" Him: "This is serious." Me: "Gee, do you think? But he was an incompetent excuse of a customs official" Him: So what do you Koreans want to do in Utopia? Bomb Borgia Tech?
Here we go again......

Fortunately, after a lot of useless words, the conversation came to this:
Him:Are you a insane homeland-terrorist serial killer?
Me:As I said the first couple hundred times, no.
Him: Then why are you Korean??
Me:I'm F@ckiing Chinese!!!!
Him:Right.
Me:Fine. fine. I'm, a terrorist. happy?
Him: Okay. You could go now.
Me: Huh?
Him: Our local government has a very strong anti-terrorist stance. if there aren't at least a few terrorists stirring up stuff, they might potentially lose an re-election.

Besides that, the process went smoothly until I was walking to the pre-appointed place to meet Andy.

A slick-looking guy with a counterfeit tuxedo, a suitcase in one hand and a brochure in the other stopped me. "Well, well, sir. You look like an intelligent man. Do you know how dangerous planes are?." He waved the brochure under my nose "Perhaps you'd like to purchase our premium health insurance policy??"

I was about to refuse. But they I thought of our trip to California. If that's the amount of damage one idiot could do with a car, imagine the effect of an incompetent airplane pilot. I reached for the brochure. Him: Just one minor question before we start. What airline do you use? Me: Ermmm...Deathtrap Airlines
Quick as a snake, he snatched the brochure from my hand. "I can't insure them!" he screeched, "They are the worst!!"

I walked away and shrugged, consoling myself that there wouldn't be any dangers. While walking, I slipped and fell. Hard. Not a very auspicious beginning.

Over(Or not. Your call)

Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 2)

"YEAH!!I WON 2 TICKETS!!" I said
Andy:WE WON 2 TICKETS!
Me:WE??It's my ticket! I paid for it!
Andy: Well, who's coming with you?Your parents?
Me:No. For starters, my girlfriend
Andy:You don't have a girlfriend
Me:Totally irreverent. I have pretty high hopes that Karen will like me sooner or later
Andy:Yeah. When pigs fly.
Me:How did you guess what she said?
Andy:Lucky guess. Seriously, you don't have much of a hope.
Me: Yes I do. I'm hedging my bets on the cross-genetics of a bat-pig.
Andy:Right. But you need to take a break from all that genetics. So we might as well go to Utopia
Me:Fine. I'll just check the website out. On the link they gave(BeckandBillchips.com/randomcheapskateprize/Utopia/Lowclass/superlow/brochure), It said:

Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides chauffeured transportation straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! Organic carpets!Antique furniture! A unique furnishing design in your rooms! Your own tv and refrigerator! Private bathing facilities! Great food! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!


It also gave a phone number
Me:You call.
Over.

Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 1)

I promised Andy that I'll visit him in The President's Inn. Within ten minutes, I regretted the decision. Since I'm not legally old enough to drive by myself, I have to do a combination of walking and taking a bus. Which is okay, except that the place here is cold. And when I say cold, I don't mean cold. I mean COLD .As in reaaaallll cold. At least it wouldn't be that cold in the hotel, I thought. First mistaken assumption of the day.

When I arrived at the President's Inn, I found that THEY HADN'T TURNED ON THE THERMOSTAT. Which is bad. Really bad. Oh, and to top it off, they had the air-conditioning pouring cold air. At full blast. Andy mentioned that the people here are unfashionable, but this is taking out-of-season to a whole new level. Anyway, I was hungry and wanted to grab a bite to eat. So I did. The only problem is that the cafeteria's serving ice cream. So I went to one of these old chips machines. You know, one of the 25-cents for a moldy chip bag chips? Yeah, those types. On the top of the packet, it says {Win a ticket for two to Utopia}. Personally, I'll feel lucky just to win a full, unspoilt bag of chips.

Anyway, I got into Andy's hotel room after my purchase. "What took you so long?" he asked. Me:"Two late buses, three accidents, one avalanche and an old lady's groceries." Him: "Oh"
He grabbed my bag of chips and proceeded to tear it open with his teeth. Yuck, I thought. Anyway, I didn't feel like getting the bag back(wonder why). So I changed the subject. We were talking about his experiences as a bus driver when he choked.

After a lot of sputtering from both of us(one of us was laughing while the other's coughing. Guess who), a plastic sheet popped out of his mouth. It said

Congratulations!You have won a pair of tickets and two-weeks worth of free hotel reservations to Utopia!

Collaboration Posts

Okay, me and Andy are planning to write about our adventures in Utopia together so that our readers could read both our blogs and to entertain you guys more. Of course, as with any effort between two people, there are rules

1. Don't hog your time
~Both of us will try to post within 24 hours of each other

2.Be logical
~Duh! Of course, this doesn't mean that it has to be completely logical. Just stuff that relatively narrow-minded people find within the realms of possibility

3.This operates like an RP
~We are kind of role playing, but unlike forum games, the main objective is humor. Also, using the first person tense is allowed and even recommended

4.Whenever one of us finishes posting, end with an "Over"
~self-explanatory

5.Recall
~If one of us write about something that completely change the story in a way that the other poster could not live with, we can issue an recall after careful discussion

6.Be funny!
~The Golden rule of any humor blog

One-Liners

Here are some one-liners based upon a \dude/ called Chen Qi Hang. Sure they are a little childish, but hey, if you read the tagboard, so is \he/. Btw, they are all made up by yours truly or his friends so they are more or less original.


His head is so empty, vacuum gets sucked in there.
When he dies, the world's average IQ went up by two.
If he's any dumber, he'll be an non-living organism.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, he'll own you five bucks.
The only one in the world less manly than him is his boyfriend.
If stupidity's a crime, his extended family and local government will be on death role for harboring a criminal.
He's even dumber than he looks. Trust me, that's saying something.
When Einstein created the theory of relativity, he made a major flaw. Everything is superior to CQH.
What's the difference between CQH and a bucket of sh!t? Some will say the bucket, but that's a major insult to sh!t.
He is so ugly, he gave Tylenol a headache.
On his way home from burger king, he went to a Costume contest by accident. They said "sorry, no professionals"
When he went to the local "village fool" contest, the police arrested him for indecency in a public place. He revealed his mask.
When the police arrested him, all the inmates screamed and ran out.
He made a lawyer sue herself after realizing she represented him.
When he looked into his mirror, the glass cracked.

His parents committed a major crime against humanity.
The only reason why he's going to Hell is because God won a bet.
He's a living reason why people converts into atheism.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking
Only beat 2 million other sperm because of a loophole in the rules.
Scientists originally considered him as a virus because viruses are half-nonliving objects. Then they found out about the other half.
When people called his home phone and ask to speak to the master of the house, his cat answered.

To Think like a Writer-Part One

An important thing about being a writer is thinking like a writer. In fantasy, for instance, impact with the audience by creating vivid and powerful images/characters is vital. A good fantasy story should capture the imagination of the reader to the fullest. For instance, here is two possible ways to describe the same thing(the second one is a direct quotation of a book I'm writing).

1)The house was quiet and calm.
2)In the house, all was calm, but a deadly calm, like the few seconds of peace before a storm.

Of course, that doesn't mean that a writer has to use complicated phrases or words, only that he must use them to the maximum effect. For instance, the clinché dark lord is always referred as "The Dark Lord, The Dark One, Mordred, Satan, Loki, etcetera." This is the principle of understated power, the idea that two or three syllables could deliver more power than hundreds.

Like this.

Now, to the main point of this blog:humor. In most(some say all) cases of humor, something unexpected must occur. To think like a writer, one must have a instinctual sense for the unexpected. Also, ironically, clinchés are used the most often in humor, because humor uses cliches to the maximum effect, by replacing a common idiom with an unexpected one.

Now, to think like a writer, give the most unexpected answers to the following Q's(I'll give examples at the end)

1)You are in a dark alley where you see a couple of guys robbing another one. You have only a toy gun. What do you do?

2)If life gives you lemons, _________

3)Life is a bowl of cherries_________


Sample answers
1)Is Karen there?(It's good because of being totally unexpected as well as being completely open-ended. It really allows the readers to use their imagination. Nerds see a nerdy meaning. people with morals see a moral ending, sadists see a sadistic one, horny people see a obscene ending, etc)

2. choke on them and die..... you stupid lemon eater!(Perfected by Scot Adams)

3)My stupid little cousin ate them all or the bad one in the center spoils the whole thing or it's tastiest when mashed together and beat into pudding.

The Girl I Like-Part 7

Over time, and certain unfunny events I'd rather not talk about, (even though she didn't exactly say so) I'm pretty sure now that she doesn't like me. How sad. So that's that, I guess. Obviously I'm not pleased with the outcome. *shrugs* Anyway, from a reader's point of view, it's probably unfair that such a long(and remarkably, considering it's serious context, funny) series will have such an boring and anticlimax ending. It's even sadder when you consider that this is literally the most popular series of my blog. So sue me. Anyway, if you want to read the entire series, it's here(in chronological order):

A girl I like
A girl I like-Part 2
Nerdmares
A girl I like-Part 3
A girl I like-Part 4
Best School Day ever!!
A girl I like-Part 5
Murphy's Stupid Law
A girl I like-Part 6
A girl I like-Part 7

Or you can just click on the link on the bottom of this post(the one on the right of labels). Your call.

P.S.Sometimes, when fact gets boring, imagination takes over. So to be fair to you guys, I'll post on ways that she could have rejected me instead of the actual truth:

Me: Out with it. If you don't like me, just turn around, look at me straight in the eye, and say so.
She turned around, looked at me and said: I like you, but I just don't like you.
Me:Fine. Could we be friends?
Her:No.
Me:People who sit at the same table?
Her:Nope.
Me:Classmates?
Her:Nah.
Me:People who know each other well enough to say high?
Her: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of like as in some stranger who held the door open for me.
Me:Oh. On the bright side, at least you own me something.
Her:Good point.I'll ask my friend to help you open the door on your way out of the cafeteria.
Me:Could you at least do it yourself?
Her:Do I look as if I want to be within three feet of you?

Later...
Me:There's still a glimmer of hope
Mark:Really?
Me:Yeah. She looked at me in the forehead, not in the eyes.

History-The Utopian Civil Wars

Now, class, this is the BoaN parody of a history class. Pay attention. Thanks! Don't pretend to read this post while dozing off. I'm talking to you. Yes, you!! Don't act innocent!So pay attention! Sit up straight

Anyway, as avid history students already knew, Utopia was founded in the dawn of time. At least, that's what it says on the Utopian history book. An alternative theory was once advanced that Bill Gates founded the country as a cultural test tube for computers, but no proofs have been advanced, other than the obvious.*

The first Utopian Civil War began in 1924. It was a war that was aptly known as the color wars, a complex battle fought between "Reds" and "Blues." The reason behind the war is complex and intriguing, but it basically boils down to this: The "Reds" believe that red is the best color whereas the "Blues" are naturally inclined to favor the color blue. Extremely intelligent arguments were given by both sides to support their thesis, for instance "Human blood is red. Red is the chosen color for the noble race","Since the sky is blue, god has favored his children to be blue. Duh!" and "Even a idiot knows that red's the coolest color out there. If you don't believe that, you are a even dumber idiot than a idiot." and other intelligent comments like that.

By the fall of 1940, the entire country, despite attempts to secure peace from both sides and neutrals like greens and blacks trying to save the nation, was like a metaphorical powder keg. Only one spark would be enough to set the entire country exploding. That spark was started in Dumbsville. A Red politician, Mr.Crimson and a Blue politician, Mr. Azure were just entering peace talks when, to his shock and horror, Mr. Crimson saw that Azure's socks were showing! Not only that, but they are blue! Believing that to be a deliberate insult to his affiliation, Mr.Crimson immediately reacted in what he believed to be the most appropriate way: He punched Mr.Azure. Red blood spilled out of Azure, and believing it to be a sign of heaven, Crimson led his forces into a merry way of destruction against all Blues, ransacking their homes, spray-painting everything red and destroying anything they could find.

So began the most violent war in Utopian history. Between 0 and three billion casualties(depending on who you believe) was caused by this war. Men, women and children were slaughtered mercilessly. Neutrals were often caught in the crossfire. Accusations of betrayal were common, and anyone caught using the opponents color were denounced as traitors and subsequently hanged. Indeed, within the first few months of the war, Blue generals made it mandatory for all soldiers to carry swabs of cotton so that their blood could be wiped
away to reduce the risk of friendly fire. During the later part of the war, the Reds made an unsuccessful(fortunately) nuclear mission to annihilate the ocean so "That big patch of b!ueness wouldn't have to interfere with our b!@# eyes."

The war was finally ended when both sides ran out of ink and dyes and decided to sign a peace treaty using a black pen**. The treaty now hangs in the National Monument Park(or at least it did, until it was stolen)


*Utopian language is based on binomial, a language of 0s and 1s. However, their mathematics is rather backward and their religion prohibits belief in 0s, so their language is effectively a language of 1s. A typical Utopian sentence would be the following:
1111 1 1 1 11 1 1111 1111 11 1 1111 1 1 1 1 11 11 11 1111111111111111 1 1 1 1 1 1111 111 1 1 1 1 1 11 1 11 1 11 1 111.

**That is what is said in contemporary history books. Blues still claim they won in February 30th, or F-Day, whereas Reds claim that they have eradicated the color Blue completely and that our current blue is just a pale imitation of red

Quotes

It's better to keep silent and make people think you are a idiot than to start talking and remove the benefit of a doubt-Urban Legend

Okay, the following are real quotes taken from my classmates. They are jumbled up so that you couldn't guess the quoter too easily. Note:A few of them are made by your truly.

"I am the God of gods"
"Are you deaf as well as dead?"
"Your pimple is larger than your nose"
"The square root of pi is negative 12"
"Still thinking... kind of lost"
"The claw of Viperazor will annihilate all"
"Are you crazy?You want to play com three days before the finals...wanna play chess, lah?"
"I am the Guardian of Destruction"
"My soul is in the cards"
"Legal=Moral"
"Ryan's so stingy he can't even buy his own food...mind if I borrow your fries?"
"The human brain is a fragile and extremely potent machine that...d@mn, I forgot my lines"
"The place is so old, the Da Vinci code is in the first edition...wait, that doesn't sound right"
"Did you know that your car broke down in front of the lobby..wait, today's march 31st. Never mind, I'll tell you later."
"Trust me, you do not want to know"
"My pet crocodile made me eat mine homework"

Snow

Note:This is my attempt to borrow Andy-ish elements to create a post

This story is about snow*

*In case you don't know what snow is(because you live in warm places like Africa, South America, Australia, South Asia, Singapore and/or Hell), snow is a natural phenomenon commonly occurring in cold places. It, for unknown reasons, generally go down, not up. Snow is useful for building snowman, snowball fights, making a picturesque scenery by covering the dirt, jamming cars, etc.

Now back to the story. The story began when I woke up(well, it technically began millenniums ago in the clouds and seas and stuff, but that's another story). I woke up because the alarm bell was threatening to light-saber my head open if I do not(In retrospect, I should have been clearer to the guy on Ebay when i purchased a Sci-Fi themed clock). Anyway, when I woke up and looked out of the window I saw that everything was white. I was really groggy and my first reaction was that I was dreaming. I pinched myself. No reaction. I pinched my self a bit harder. Still no feelings. Then I pinched myself REAL HARD. OUCH!! So I guess I'm not dreaming after all. So, it's snow.

Which should have been pretty cool. But it wasn't. Not really. Because our car was covered with snow. My dad pressed his starter chip thingy. It didn't work. So we have to open the car manually. So he pulled the driver-side door. And pulled it. And pulled it the third time. D@mn! The snow glued the car together. So after a long time and a very complicated process involving three more people, a lever and a lot of curses by four people at one guy(hint:I'm not the curser), we finally got the door open and the windows' snow scrubbed. Which is pretty cool. So my father drove me to school. Well, 'drove' is putting it mildly. 'Slid' would be a far more accurate term. Gee, my neighborhood snow car drivers are really lazy. In retrospect, encouraging my dad to buy really cool race-car wheels was a bad idea.

When we got to school, the school turned out to be closed. The good news: I have time to work on my blog now
The bad news: The opptunity is ripe for NDEs on the way home.

Another Poll

Okay, in the current poll of "How often do you check my blog?," three people voted. Also, according to StatCounter, I have over 20 unique viewers per week. Weird.

So here's the poll results and my analysis:
1 person voted once a week
1 person voted almost every day
1 person voted several times a day

In conclusion, there is one guy who likes my blog,
one guy who really don't have a life,
and I accidentally voted on my own poll.

Oh, and I have 17 procrastinators reading my blog.
So, if you don't want to be labeled as a procrastinator , vote on the next poll!

A True Yugoslavian Story-Frucking Transit

Check this godly thing out!!!

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. ~Lao Tzu


The public transport system has yet to have fatal accidents.That's about the only thing good I could say about it.A friend of mine has gone through these in detail...You may read them http://fictionauthor.blogspot.com/2007/02/public-transport-final-frontier.html">at
I,on the other hand would not bother to do the bigger details.I'll just type about what happened a coupla days ago.

Ok,one fine Wednesday while wearing FULL SCHOOL UNIFORM and trying my best to tie a tieI was groggy and went to the bus stop.I waited for,like,half an hour(I used the time to sleep) before the Fr*aking bus finally arrived.As usual,I payed in change and was about to climb the stairs when the bus driver stopped me and said(with a hokkien accent):where got student pass?
Me:Sir,I don't have
Him:No pass,can't prove you student.Pay adult fare
Did I mention I was wearing full schoool uniform?(yeah,with the nerdy tie and all).Now,I was kinda tired and didn't feel like saying anything.Now,if I had,I would have used my poweress of scarasm and the coversation would have been like this:
Me:(pointing towards my uniform):NUSHS apparently stands for Nuclear Underground Society of Hyper Scientists and I'm about to attend an illegal meeting while everyone else my age is going to school.That is so likely.
Bus driver:huh?speak in Enlish.
Me:I got pass and I particularly feel like paying an extra ten cents and waste more time paying coins.Yes,it's an hobby of mine,donating to SMRT.
Bus driver:you go


Unfortunately I was kinda sleepy so I wasn't able to do anything with my `silver toungue'.So I decided to be tolerant and payed him the adult fare(well,I often wondered if they accept chocolate money.Apparently, they do.

A Girl I Like-Part 6

"This is a random quote"-random guy

This is the really complicated story of what happened yesterday:


So, anyway, I was just standing in the lunch line, minding my own business when a black African American dude(I forgot his name. Sorry) came up to me and asked me if I liked Karen(not her real name). Anyway, I considered lying but decided against it.

I was wondering if she liked me. She said yes. Well, technically, she didn't say it to me in person. She said it to that guy I was referring to earlier(The Whats-his-name guy). Well, technically, it was more of a implication than actually referring to me. Well, technically, it was more of a slight tilt of the head than actual words. Well, technically....oh, forget it. The point is, she said yes!!!yeah!

Anyway, that whats-his-name dude called me and said (in a loud voice), "She said yes!!!" Which is kinda weird. I walked toward them a few steps, but decided against it. I looked at them. She was kinda looking everywhere but me(Gee, maybe she has an eye problem. I'll call the optician or something). He was giving me an expectant look. It went on for about half a minute. I finally became a bit curious(Right).

Me:Am I supposed to do something??!
Him:Yeah..Go on, hug her. You know you want to.

I looked at her. She looked at me. Wait, that's kinda grammatically incorrect. It's more like she gave me a look than looked at me. Trust me, there's a difference. A big one. The point is, I decided not to push my luck after all. Hm. Wonder why.

Anyway, after a while in the lunch line(Translation:25 minutes. Maybe my school's cafeteria is just a little bit inefficient), I got my food and walked towards her table. A chair next to her is empty. How thoughtful. I said hi. She said hi back. I kinda got tongue-tied. But that's okay. Maybe she thinks I'm the strong but silent types. Maybe. I doubt it, but hey. I ate my lunch in silence. After only a few minutes, the bell rang. Man, is time short around here.

Today, I looked for her and she was absent. Maybe she eewent to s an optician after all.

Worst jobs out there

Note that this accompanies the previous posts by listing some of the worst jobs out there.


5)Assistant to the Bosses' Son
Description:Not the easiest job in the world
Exceptions to the Rule:You really want to change companies

4)Job: Skunk Roadkill Removal Team
Description: Doesn't exactly smell like roses.

Exceptions to the Rule: a)You have no sense of smell b)You need an explanation for your body odor c)You REALLY need a job

3)Job: Assasins Target Practice
Description: Not exactly the safest job in the world. Quite the opposite in effect. It really is a little dangerous. And you better hope the guy who practice on you is a new guy AND he didn't play too much counter-strike. Good luck!

Exceptions to the Rule:You are real fast. Or real lucky. Or you wanna die. Or all three.


2)Job:Nuclear Weapons Sensitivity Detector.
Description: Really, really, bad. Trust me. You'll either die or have a possibility of genetic mutation(or leave your decedents with eleven toes)

Signs that your boss is trying to trick you into this job:"We need you to help us do a field test on one of our industrial products. Don't worry, the inspectors had a glowing report"

Exceptions to the Rule: a)You are insane b)You really hate your wife. c)Your life is so desperate that you'll risk almost certain death with a chance of being a superhero d)You are already about to die and wants to save a few watts for the funeral. e)You love practical jokes and you hate the undertaker

1)Andy's Operator
Description: Low pay, low possibility of promotion, high chances of dying or getting fired or both(often simultaneously), what more do you want?

Exceptions: Easy, Virtually Guaranteed, painfully humiliating death-seekers.

Best jobs out there

Like, I was talking about my future career with my guidance counselor. Actually, he was talking and I was trying to stay awake. Which might not be exactly the same thing, but hey. Anyway, I went home and thought about it, and I came up with the five best jobs I could think of(Listed in no particular order).

1. Bill Gate's Hedge Fund Manager.
Explanation: The commission is just brilliant. Even if it's only .1%, that's still a couple thousand a day. And don't let me get started on the benefits...
Suitable Personalities:Math geeks. Or at least non-flunkers. Accidentally forget to add a few 0s and you are in real trouble

2.Professional Executioner.
The wages are real high, and unlike other high-paying jobs like doctors or lawyers, there's no real responsibility. I mean, the dude's gonna die anyway, so why bother? You don't need any job training either. How hard is it to push the button?
Suitable Personalities: Just about anyone. A lot of people need to see their personal psychiatrist after a job, but psychiatrists aren't that expensive after all. Bonuses if you are Yuanmashita(saves psychiatrist fees AND could actually celebrate after each job)

3.Computer game tester
You get paid to play games months before your friends. Need I say more?
Suitable Personalities:People who know how to turn on a computer.

4. Lifeguard for swimsuit models.
Besides the obvious visual benefits, you can earn some spare cash by bringing your cell phone camera alone(Opps. Shouldn't have said that). Anyway, unlike other jobs, you actually want real work for this job. Hey, how cool is it to give a mouth-to-mouth?
Suitable Personalities: You gotta have some muscles so people can actually believe you are a lifeguard(but don't rule out hot air balloons on interview day).

5. Operator at automated refilling stations.
Not much pay, but no work at all!
Suitable Personalities:Anyone who don't mind a minor stench. Or the occasional fireball.

Answers, Ratings and Explanations to Previous Post

Note:Refer to previous post.

Correct Answers as Follows:
1.b
2.a
3.e
4.d
5.c
6.a
7.d
8.d


Explanations:
1)I'm a com nerd. Need I say more?

2) 'Cause I feel like it, that's why

3)None of the above. Shoot Yuanmashita. Twice.

4)I don't have a good reason. Juat a personal preference.

5)I'm a guy who writes, blogs and talks but I'm not much of a 'doer'

6)He's a great singer! All of his parodies are funny!

7)It's a sad truth I have to bear with.

8)Okay, so maybe this question isn't exactly subjective

Rating:
0 correct~You don't know me. Really.
1 correct~That was pure luck
2 to 3 correct~You know me. albeit barely
4 to 7~You are a good friend of mine.
8~Now where exactly did you put the spy camera?

How well do you know me?

Okay, this post might seem just a little(okay, maybe more than a little) selfish/narcissistic but I'm wondering how well you, like, know me. To answer this complicated, philosophical, question, just answer some Q's on the following quiz.(write the answers on a Notepad/Typepad and refer to tehm on the next post.)

1. Which of the following do I love the most?
a)My house
b)My com
c)Sports
b)books
e)none of the above

2. What would be the square root of negative pi?
a)dunno
b)dunno
c)dunno
d)dunno
e)none of the above

3. In a situation where I'm stuck in an locked room with Hitler, Stalin, King Kong and Yuanmashita and a gun with two explosive bullets, what do I do?
a)shoot Hitler and Stalin
b)Shoot Stalin and Yuanmashita
c)Pauses to reflect...and BOOM!
d)Shoot the chandelier with one bullet, the lock with the other, and RUN!
e)none of the above

4) Which one of the following is my favorite games?
a)Warcraft and World of Warcraft
b)Counterstrike and Delta Fighter
c)Heli Attack and Minesweeper
d)Pardus and Civ IV
e)none of the above

5) If there's a guy with a "Kick me" sign on his back, what do I do?
a)Politely inform him of the information
b)Kick him once, then stop
c)Add a "Punch me" sign as well.
d)Kick him. And keep kicking. Even when he removes it.
e)none of the above

6) Which of the following is my favorite singer?
a)Weird Al
b)50 Cents
c)Hubert
d)Britney Spears
e)none of the above

7) Which of the following is the reason I gave for society's lack of funny nerds?
a)The two personalities don't match, like an amoeba that's allergic to water.
b)The unfortunate tendency for our kind to die unnatural deaths
c)The inability to find a mate.
d)all of the above
e)none of the above

8) Why did I create such a boring test?
a)Because I am a @#%$ing idiot.
b)Because I feel like it, that's why.
c)No idea.
d)No idea, but it's a perfectly good reason.
e)none of the above

Answers and explanations are given on the next post.

Funny comics and youtube movies

Dilbert videos

Boring stuff

Note:Do not read this if you think 1+2=3

Ads-Bored to death? Need a vacation? Go here now for more details!!

Have you ever been bored enough to be blogging in a boring blog with only a few, presumably dumb readers(so dumb that they didn't even realize I called them dumb!)?

Well, I had. It's an intriguing and shocking experience that honestly tests the limits of humanity. I mean, why do people stay alive despite stuff that would honestly bore just about everybody to death? That's THE QUESTION. Gee, I am bored. And a bit upset. it's a delicate balance. Being bored but not too bored so that I wouldn't think about stuff that really upsets me. Trying to do something that will mildly intrigues me so that I wouldn't get too bored and starts thinking.

It's hard. So, anyway, I'm settled on typing to idiotic blog-readers with nothing to do. That means every reader of this blog except you, who's smarter than all the other readers.

I made you feel superior, didn't I?

Murphy's Stupid Law

Quote: "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong"- Eddie Murphy

I kinda sat down at Karen's table yesterday. I thought it would be pretty straightforward. Like, sh either likes me or don't and would tell me directly. Of course, there's Murphy's stupid law to contend with. I subconsciously knew something like this might have happened, but I didn't really believe it.


I was kinda nervous so my voice was a bit smalll
Me: Like, hi
Her: ....
Me: Did you see my letter?
Her: .....
Me: Do you, erm.. like me?
Her: ....
Me: Could you, like, say something?
Her: ....
Me: Just try to answer my question. Yes or no?
Her: ......
Me: The suspense is killing me
Her: ....
Me: Could you at least look at me?
Her: ....
Me: This conversation is not going the way I expected.
Her: ..........

To make it worse, everybody from her table(and quite a few from other tables) were looking at us from the corner of their eyes(sometimes without the corner part). Gee. Perhaps today isn't going to be the best day of my life after all.

A girl I like-Part 5

Note:I'm kinda tired of saying this, but the names of this post, as with all others on my blog, are concealed to protect privacy. So don't, for instance, expect her name to actually be Karen(Although it could be something close)


I gave Karen a love letter on Friday.

Well, actually I gave one to her several weeks ago. But she didn't reply. There's a lot of possible reasons for that. Since I put the piece of paper in her jacket's hood, she probably didn't notice it. Or maybe she hadn't thought of unfolding that origami. Or maybe she couldn't read Chinese. Or maybe she hadn't thought of de-coding the invisible ink. Or my invisible ink pen had broken and it became literally invisible. Or maybe it's a mirror-writing thing. Or, well, you get the idea.

So I thought I'd be just a little bit more direct this time. So I wanted to write a love letter(a real one this time, not just "I love you" in mirror-written, invisible, Chinese). So I was kinda out of ideas. I asked my friend Andy for help. In retrospect, Andy's almost the last person a dude would ask for help and advice for this type of stuff. But I wasn't thinking clearly. So here went
our brilliant conversation

Me:Like, I need help, for y'know...
Him: Use humor. It helps lighten the situation.
Me: Really?
Him: For instance, compare her face with a b-
Me:Hey!!
Him: It's a figure of speech. It worked for me..
Me: Really.
Him: Yeah. My group leader always forced me to do all the work on the project and stuff. After I made that figure of speech in public, so far, she hadn't made me type a single extra letter than I have to.
Me: I hate to break it to you, but that's not the type of relationship I want.
Him:Oh.Oops.

Anyway, in the end, it took me quite a while to figure out what to write. After some time, I got a good idea and wrote what I liked about her(for obvious reasons, I wouldn't disclose what I wrote).

So I put the letter I wrote in her book bag. The end.

Oh, and I just realized I forgot to put my name. Oops.

By the way, I Googled "Love poems" and none of them seem to be funny, not even a little bit. So I created my own. Note:If, for some reason, you know her real name, the poem probably sounds better if you use her real name instead of 'Karen'

There's this girl I really like
(Her name's Karen Li).
Which really kinda suck
'Cause I don't think she like me

Whenever she smile her beautiful smile,
I feel like I flown up at least a mile
It could be kind of dangerous,
Especially if a guy's not too cautious

I thought I'll write her a letter,
My friend Andy suggested humor.
I can't think of anything better,
So I followed as per rumor.


I want to write more of this poem,
But I have writer's block
So right here I'll stop this poem,
And I'll finish it some other time

_________________________________________
The poem is kinda lousy, but I don't think it will win any "Lousy Poem of the Year" awards yet. Too bad.

Seriously though, she would probably reply tomorrow. I hope you guys could wish me luck. Really. Personally, I'm optimistic. After all, what's the worst thing that can happen? There's only two foreseeable scenerios:
1)She likes me. Obviously, that's the Best Case Scenario.
2)She'll privately (or get her friend) to inform me that she doesn't. In which case, I'll at least know for sure and wouldn't actually be worse off than I am right now.
Either way, nothing too bad can come out of this.


Of course, there's still Murphy's stupid Law to contend with

Signs that your school isn't as great as you think it is

Here are subtle signs that your school might be a tad unsuitable.
Note:I know the basic idea isn't too original. So sue me.
1)The teacher is just a little sadistic.
Example given;
"As y'all may have already known from the Es and Fs on your report card, I consider attention to be a very important part of my class. This semester, your grades would be determined by a randomly selected, one question, oral exam. If y'all don' t give the answers I would give, then y'all would flunk... We have a new student in our class. Leonardo, which country did you say you were from?

2)The facilities are just a little un-hygienic
Example: You were trying to get the water fountain to work- without success. So you asked the janitor why.
Him: The toilets and water fountains, and pipes and stuff are connected.
You:I thought, like, it's only the door of the restroom that's broken?
Him: Exactly, there's nobody to flush the toilet. Of course you can't drink water.
You: Never mind. I'll get a soda

3)Some of the classes are a bit penny-pinching
Example: For Arts&Crafts, you have to work in a hot, smelly, chemical-ridden place with poor lighting called a weatshop

4)The school isn't too safe
Example: You were walking down a hallway when somebody told you that you were in the Dead Rabbit's Gang territory. You didn't take him seriously until he pulled a cylindrical, silver device with a trigger and a safety(conveniently off). You were about to get panicked when some other dude came around and argued that the third floor west wing belonged to them. They started making extremely intelligent arguments.
Guy 2: You guys are gonna be as dead as a rabbit if you don't move!
Guy 1: Oh, yeah?! You dudes are as yellow as a tiger before I even bring my gun up!Hee-Haw!
The guy not holding a silver thingy drew out a knife. Only it probably wasn't a vegetable knife. It looked kinda like a vegetable knife, but it's a lot longer. Oh, and it looks sharper, has a jeweled hilt, and two edges.
You decided to make a break for it before things really starts to get violent

5)The temperature has minor problems
Example: Whenever you get excited, something pools at your feet. Turns out increased expiration causes more carbon dioxide. At your school's temperature, more carbon dioxide=more dry ice

6)The classes aren't too easy
Example: Please turn to page 55. The question is : If y squared n+5 times the abosolute value of x prime divide by pi and..... I think you guys would have to read the remaining ten pages of the equation by yourself...

The Poll

Ads-Give a gift for your sweetheart that will last for all eternity and be a tribute to your everlasting love! Comes with a one-week warranty.

As you guys may have already noticed, the poll has already ended for several weeks but I didn't delete or change it(Because I'm lazy). Anyway, since I'm deleting it today here's the results(for future reference):

It's the greatest work of wrinting since... hey, you are number 1!-0 people
A work of art..a masterpiece in the making-3 people
I love it!-4 people
It's good. Not great, but good-0 people
So-so-2 people
Just one word for it:Lousy-1 person

I've seen worse. But then again, I work as an English teacher in the school for the criminally insane-1 person
There are two major types of WMD's in the world, Nukes and your blog. For the sake of world peace, let's destroy both!-1 person

Conclusion:
The voters include:
3 extremely intelligent people with very good taste,
4 smart people with good taste,
2 average people,
1 guy who doesn't know how to use the dictionary,
1 guy who has a really lousy job and deserves it and
1 Lith



To be fair, my analysis might not be overwhelmingly impartial and objective.

1

50th post

Finally, through rain and hail, Sun and Java, I've got to the 50th post! Yipee!Woo-Hoo!*Celebrates by jumping for 100 times*


Anyway, the great deed wouldn't have been possible without:
Andy- We give each other more ideas than he could count(To be fair, he's not exactly Archimedes). Anyway, without Andy's help, a lot of my posts wouldn't be as funny as they are.

Lith-Thanks to his constructive comments(which reminds me of Einstein's teachers), I re-discovered so much about human nature

Yuanmashita- Just by existing, he managed to do the following:
1) Give me a role model to base sadism on.
2)Proved that Darwin's wrong in at least one occasion
3)Redifined the meaning of evil

Last(but not not least), all of you(I mean that sincerely). Without people constantly reading my posts and giving constructive feedback(sometimes without the constructive part), I doubt I'll have the determination to maintain the quality and quantity of my posts.

I'll write more but my neighbor's shouting about "some idiot stamping". Gotta go.

Yet Another Intelligent debate

Note: This is a true story occurring in the forums of Norron
Me:Check out my blog here:http://blogofanerd.blogspot.com
Lith:Why?
Me:Because I'm bored and thought it would be cool to see the comments people make?
Gusto:I was bored enough to take the bait. Big mistake. I came to a site that periodically tried to bother me with pop ups. Lame. I hope I'll never have to teach the criminally insane, but it does seem like a better idea than ever again clicking on some random blog link on the internet.
Me:Lol. sorry about that.
Lith:Ah, blogs, the arsehole of the internet. The true and final expression of talentless hacks who have nothing better to do than throw their personal lives in front of as many people as they can get to listen. It is the land of depraved grammar, irreverent spelling, and teenage angst gone wild.

There, you wanted a comment?
Me:I didn't have grammar problems!
Lith:Oh, now you're just asking me to dig up some grammar problems: Right on the first line:
"Here are some more conversations;"
Should be a colon, not a semicolon. That was easy ;)
Ed:Shameless elitist condemnation is typically my forte. Aside from that, weren't you conscripted by Nathan to serve as the official Hawaiian Flower Lei liaison to this forum? You know-- flower in your hair, grass skirt, flower garland at the ready to festoon an arriving tourist with?
Lith:Oh, don't underestimate my elitist condemnation abilities. I just prefer not to alienate most people - just those who specifically ask for it. As to the welcoming committee deal, I think you're a little confused on the matter. I'm not here to welcome people with garlands, I'm here to show them the door with a nice ironclad boot when it's called for.
Isis:*hands everyone flowers and hums Let's go to San Francisco*
Me: Why am I slightly offended?

Another Intelligent Debate

Note: A real tag-board based story. Also, I'm talking about Ryan S., not Ryan You, just to clear things up.



Today there was a few arguments between Ryan and a few other dudes.
Here is the first one:
Aul-Eirelav to Evanoid:Good luck with your posting for the college bro!
Ryan:Why the heck do we need luck with our posting? Unless u dont meet the score.
Evanoid:Hey don't bully my sis. Don't tick her off too. Mind ur own business dode.
Ryan:I am not ticking her off you fool! Get your English terms right.
Evanoid:I did not say the wolrd "luck". Tell that to her.
Aul-Eirelav:ITS JUST A TERM YOU DODOBIRD. It just means all the best, and if you know me well enough, you will know that I don't believe in some freaking luck. I don't need it.
Ryan:In the first place dont wish people luck if u dont believe it. You are contradicting yourself.
Evanoid:Hey Gentleman Ryan, Please let my sister, so LET in to her, do not quarrel MEN. If u are truly a gentleman.
Aul-Eirelav:Are you ****(Oh use your imagination) or what?
Ryan:Hehehe no vulgar please young lady. I can't be bothered to argue anymore.
(Just then a pretty girl who happened to be a friend of Evanoid and Eirelav came by.)
Pretty Girl:Ahhh... an english/grammar war.
Ryan to the girl:Oh hi!
Aul-Eirelav:Wah! My friend came and you started acting Gentleman. Me scared? Pooey!
Ryan:Huh????
Girl:Er Hi.
Aul-Eirelav:Oh, your english must be too bad that you can't even understand. 'Poor' thing.
Ryan:Nope it just so happens that your implications are false.
Aul-Eirelav:I don't make false implications.
Ryan to girl:Your little friend wants to have a debate with me.
Aul-Eirelav:I'm older than her. I didn't know u failed maths.
Ryan(snickering):Really? Its not noticeable but anyway I'm busy. Sorry lady.
Evanoid:Ahhhhh!!!! I am caught in a battle! Please settle it! Ryan, if you are busy then why are u here?
Girl:Yeah, Aul's older than me. And you 2... debating?
Ryan:Ya sure its Aul who loses her cool and starts vulgar haha. I am busy so bye!
Aul-Eirelav:Don't call me "Aul"'. Everyone can call me that except for dodobirds, nosey people and quarrelsome people. You're all of the above.
Ryan:Quarrelsome? Look who's talking here. U are really tempting me to continue.
Girl:Oh My God! When will this quarrel end?! Ahhh. SAVE. ME.
Ryan:Its supposedly ended.
Aul-Eirelav:Yay! You admitted defeat. I won!!!!
Girl:It did better be.
Ryan(smiling at her):Yea
Aul-Eirelav:Yawn! I'm going with Evanoid now to camp.
Girl to Ryan:Come with me.
Conclusion: Evanoid has PERFECT English. Aul-Eirelav is the best debater. Who gives a shit on a debater's personal life? It is usually not included in Logical debates. Ryan likes to debate on extremely important stuff And I do believe that the word gentleman is a old-fashioned male term and it means A man who is polite and well educated, who has excellent manners and behaves well(and a basic sign of cortesy in restroom stalls). I didn't know that the mordern version of gentleman is actually a sissy who gets pushed around by women and actually "LETS IN" to them.

An Intelligent Debate

Note:Based on a true event happening in Yugoslavia:

Ryan, Evanoid and Anelisa chatting"intelligently"
Evanoid and Anelisa were chatting about something dumb and both laughed like monkeys.
Ryan:Erm....Anel-
Anelisa:You'll probably planning to say something witty in the fotile attempt to persuade me that intellect is more important than looks.
Ryan:Erm...actuall-
Anelisa:WELL I'LL TELL YOU THAT I DO NOT BELIEVE IN YOUR RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!
Evanoid:Yoah! My gf and I are talking about private stuff!! Get outta here!!!
Me(who was standing by):Ermmm...you two are REALLY intimate with each other. Private problems apparently include Graphic default 'impurities' in The Sims.
Evanoid:Shuddup!! My persanoal life is n00ne of your bzwax. You are just jealous.
Me(walking away):Never mind. I'm gonna look for signs of possible intellect elsewhere.
Evanoid:You son of a @#$%^&*(Imagination of reader required). Go AWAY AND DIE!!!!
Ryan:Erm...I-
Anelisa:If you think you could help your nerdy friend make an argument, you're WRONG!!!!!!!!Mwahahahahah!!!!!!!
Ryan:Actually, I was going to ask if you own a Vaio laptop. Because I've noticed it in the 'Lost and Found' section.
Anelisa:Oh......


Later on....
Me:And you STILL asked her for a date?


Conclusion:I sure as heck hope Karen(not her real name) isn't like Anelisa. I don't think she is, but hey. 'cause if she is, I've got a serious problem.

Halloween Dreams

My English teacher asked as to write a short essay about Halloween. I was thinking and thinking and thought of this...

Yesterday, doing Halloween, I pretty much didn't do anything to celebrate it. I slept quite early, not to mention peacefully. Well, it would have been peaceful if I didn't continually dreamed of being hunted by Yuanmashita's ghost. (Yes, I know he's still alive. A mere technicality). Anyway, the point is, I woke up covered in cold sweat, glad to realize it's only a nightmare.

Or at least i would be, except I just noticed a dark figure standing in front of me. Arrrgggh. I almost screamed. Dark Figure:"Gee, you are a easily frightened guy. Relax. I'm harmless." Me: "What the ---- are you doing in my house?" Him: "That's what people of my profession do." Me: "You are a burglar?" Him:" Nice guess. Vampire actually. Count von Uninteligente", at your service. He held out a hand. I ignored it. "So what are you doing here?" I asked. Him: "I require your assistance." Me:"In what form." Him:"I require bodily fluids for my regular feeding habits. In other words, I need to suck your blood. Don't worry, it's painless." Me: "Would I become a vampire if you start...dining?" Him: "A possible, but unlikely side effect." Me:"I heard that vamps can't play com-" Him:"True. the radiation kills us." Me:"Forget it." Him: "I'm afraid that's not an option." He smiled a, erm, vampric smile. It showed all his 32 canines. I ran through a tunnel.(Don't ask me why there's a tunnel in my house). I ran and ran and ran and r- oops, dead end.. The vampire came bearing down on me. I opened my mouth to scream. He opened his mouth too, but for different reasons. He leaped to my side and -

I woke up. For real this time. I was in my English classroom, dozing off. I checked the clock. We only have three minutes left to finish the essay. In retrospect, I prefer vampires and zombies instead of modern horrors of Halloween.

The Football- Part 2

Note:The following is a work of fiction. All people, places and things can be assumed to come from the writers imagination. Any similarities between real people, places and things come from the author's lack of imagination.

The speaker kept on droning and droning in his monotonous voice. Within the first three minutes of the Secretary of State's speech, I was almost dozing off. By now, half an hour already, I'm practically ready to go into coma. So my friend was like, "Hey, did you see his bag?" I said,"huuuuuhhhhh, mmmiihttt." Him: "It's open. I'm going to have a look." Me: Yeah... yeah". Him:Okay, be right back."

Him:"Okay, here." Nicked it from the SoS's bag. There was a football. Gee, presidential footballs are so fancy. First time I ever seen one with so many buttons and levers. Or 'maiming North Korea systems". Probably Made in Korea mis-spelled. Anyway, me:"Are you crazy?You stole a football from the most important military guy in the world??" Him:" Is there a problem with that?" Me:" Yeah. ..You know I'm lousy at football." Him: "Suit yourself. Just listen to the very exciting presentation by him. I'll find somebody else to play catch with."I considered. For about three seconds. Me: "Okay. But if I break my nose, it's your fault." He shrugged

Anyway, we played for a long time. Somehow, the SoS had to rush off-stage after a while. Oh, and some dude dressed in black with a 007 tuxedo requested it(the football) back.

Later on, the Secret Service people debriefed us.There's good news, bad news, and really bad news.

The Good News:I didn't break my nose
The Bad News: We almost started a nuclear war.
The Really Bad News:Both of us got detention

Playing Football

Some basics about my school:


School as a whole is kinda boring here. We are studying Spanish this year. And of course, the usual(physics, PE, English, art, history, other boring subjects like that).

I never realized how technologically pampered Yugoslavian students were until I got here. When I suggested to my English teacher that she use power points instead of her completely illegible handwriting, she gave me a look as if I suggested she use "Martian Power beams" or something like that. Talk about high-tech.

One of the most annoying part of classes around here is playing American Football during PE. I suffered an injury in-game. It would have been far more heroic(although slightly more painful) if I was struck by an enemy tackle or something.The really is slightly less enjoyable. My teammate throw a ball directly towards me. I put my hands up to catch it...and missed. It hit me right in the nose. Both teams laughed. Gee, why do I have to be in the same team as sadists? *sigh*. It was kinda humiliating, not to mention painful.

EZ news-Pope Speaks Out Against Violence

Ads-Support Group-Addicted to Counter-Strike? Love playing terrorists? Wanna bash Americans? Tired of playing but can't quit? Join a support group now! We promises that you'll never wanna shoot your com screen again! So what are you waiting for? Sign up now!-Al Qaeda Inc.


VATICAN CITY-In a completely unsurprising event in recent times, the Pope, Benedict XIV, speaks out against violence. He used hard-to-understand metaphors and quoted frequently from the Bible. He also said that 'all men are brothers', a slight which feminist activists are reportedly angry at. In any case, the Pope brings a clear message to the enemies of violence and Christianity-that God would not stand by will people kill each other.


Leonardo

Intelligent Debates

Here are some more conversations;

Me vs. the Optimist:

Andy:Good Morning!
Me: Actually it's a lousy morning.
Andy:No,it's not. Anyway, it's good weather, eh?
Me: How could you say that? It's, like, barely above freezing.
Andy: Shrugs.. it's good for the environment
Me:Huh?
Andy:Clearly, global warming is over-rated.
Me:Right.
Me: Did you know that our friend ***** have died because he tripped and fell into a gutter today while trying to steal liquor?
Him:It could have been worse.
Me:Huh? Your best friend died, how could it be worse than that?
Him:If they removed the manhole covers last week, I'll be dead



Student vs. un-resonable parent(s):
Youfye:Ermmm;here's my report book.
Quote from report:
Math teacher:I've seen worse
English teacher:Not as atrocious as some
Science teacher:She does not think that she's proud, but then again she doesn't think much else either.
Form teacher:I wish she'll find some form!!!!!
Head Teacher: Can't make Head nor tail of her.
Guidance counselor: Tries hard. At times, I could find her very trying indeed.


After ten minutes of loud noises;
Youfye's Father:If you don't have better grades by next year,somebody would be whipped.
Youfye's mother:I don't think corporal punishment is the only solution.
Youfye's father(pushing his wheelchair foward):
Nonsense!I got whipped a lot when I was young,and look at the man I am now!
Youfye's mother:But dear ,you can't walk.
Youfye's father:A small price to pay for perfect manners!

Students vs. too reasonable parent
Me: Dad, can I get a cell phone
Dad:Of course not
Me:But everybody has one
Dad: If everybody jumps from a building, would you do so?
Me: If the cumulative average jumps from a building, I'll conclude that the hazards barely exist and that it would be perfectly reasonable to jump from a building.
Dad: But it's not t-
Me: Exactly. So a better example of your argument would be, if everbody wears clothes, would you?
Dad:So you are perfectly contented with receiving the average?
Me: I suppose so.

Later...

Me:Ryan, can I buy your com game for 75 cents? It's my entire weeks allowance.
Ryan: You received the average Zimbabwean allowance, eh?

Explanation

Some people wondered why I didn't continue the Casiocracy topic.It is because of this letter:

Dear Sir/Ma'am/B&*%^/Ba#$%r%(tick one),

It is to our utmost displeasure to hear of you Casiocracy posts, which are thinly veiled-political lies at best. Thus,(a friendly tip) it may well be in your best interests to discontinue the falsehood as lying can be quite dangerous for one's health. People may well be offended by the completely untrue post. If, however, you persist in doing so, we cannot thus have a guilty conscience of the possible state of your health. Please note that your blog can and probably will be used in both legal and illegal action against you.

You have been warned,
^&*$%^&#$ government*

PS>Have a great day and be careful of falling objects!

*names have been changed to protect privacy

Spore Jokes

China, Britain, America and Singapore were having a discussion on which intelligence agency was better.

In the end, the UN minister had a solution:Put four rabbits into four different forests, and have the Intelligence Agencies each try to find the rabbit in three months

The vastly under budgeted Mi6 could only afford a single slacking official and a small budget, so the only thing they had to show after all the time is a fatter official and some empty donut boxes. The CIA, on the other hand, were far more superior in both numbers and cash flow. They had Agents posing as trees around the entire forests, hundreds of CCTV cameras, and planted multiple rat and rock informers. After over 70 days(and $15000000 in taxpayer money), they wrote a 300 page report concluding that the rabbit does not exist.

The Chinese Spymasters, after 80 days of stake-out, decided that the rabbit must be found in the "hard way". So they set fire to the entire forest. Even though they didn't find the fleeing rabbit, the CSM decided that the rabbit 'was probably a capitalist' and deserved what he got. They offered no apology for their actions. Instead, the CCP(Chinese Communist Party) rewarded them for quick thinking and putting an end to the "Western rabbit"

The SSS(Singapore Secret Service) was confident that they could find the rabbit. Indeed, after only 4 days, the international community witnessed a bear(suffering from multiple cane wounds), shouting, "I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Joke 2:
A bunch of dogs were bragging about which country was the best

The American boxer dog was saying(in a Southern accent): Y'all can just, like, bark 'n' bark 'n' bark, and,like, some nice, guy, y' know would, like give you meat, y' know?

No the Zimbabwean shepherd was real confused, and he asked: "'hat ez meatt." All the dogs from industrialized nations were pretty smug and laughed. The Singapore dog, however, was even more confused. He asked: "What' loh-aye! What is bark, lah?"

Walkin' In the Rain

One of the annoyingest things about my current high school is that I live exactly(according to Google Maps) 1.3 miles(1.96km) from my school. The local government only provides school buses to those at least 1.5(2.4km) miles away. So I'm cut off by a clerical error. Talk about annoying. So, every single Godspam day, I have to walk. And walk. And walk even more. And for a change, jog. Today's especially annoying.

It was a rainy, gloomy weather. And it's cold. Like 50 degrees(10 C). And did I mention I'm wearing a T-shirt? Seriously uncool. So I tried to call my father to sk for a lift. The good news is that I didn't have to walk. The bad news is that jogging in the rain ain't that cool either. The really bad news is that I wear glasses, which means it's hard to see. The even worse news is that it's easy to trip. It's REALLY bad if some guy trips. On the street. On a really busy highway. When the lights are yellow. *Cough*. When they were yellow but changed to red. When there are three hundred-plus cars dying to move.

The good news is that they only honked. the bad news is that 300 honks at the same time isn't good for a guy's eardrums. Really. Which is kinda annoying.

A Girl I Like-Part 4

Humans are defined by their tendency to do things that are statistically unprofitable. This is evidenced by, lottery, dating, and religion- Scott Adams. (This is why I really shouldn't get advice about love from humorists)

This set of posts has to be the longest ever. And the weird thing is, unlike most of my posts, which are half or (at-most) 4/5 true, every part of this series is completely true. Which is why I avoid names, because that would seriously create an identity problem if I only use real names.

Anyway, yesterday, I wrote "I love you" in Chinese(I hope she had a translator ready), lightly folded the paper, and put it into her hood(her jacket's hood), during lunch, when I was behind her in the line(queue in Queen's English). Today, during Lunch, I could have sworn I saw her smiling at me quite a few times. Admittedly, she could have been amused at the people having a birthday party not five feet behind me, but I'm keeping my hopes up.

Note:The reason why I wrote it in the way I did is because she'll know who send it(my ethnicity is remarkably rare in my high school), it's direct(you can't get more direct than 'I love you'), it's kinda romantic(I guess), and if the letter's intercepted or rejected outright, nobody would understand it. I'll just say that it's a memo for 'the Society of Chinese-Americans Who Have Nothing Better to do Than Sit Around and Brag about the Homeland' or something.

Suggestions?Comments?Insults?(Somehow, the latter seems so much more likely)

Intelligent Converstations

Note: a slightly different version is published here

As you might have already realized, I(Leo) am a cynic. Of course, if you live in the same environment as I live in, chances are that you're gonna develop a critical opinion of life as well. Here are a few dialogs to help illustrate my point:


Me talking with the wanna-be world dominator:
Me:Hiya!
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Hiya????!!!Just how illeterate can you get?When I conquer the world I am going to ban all forms of improper language.
Me:O..K
Yuamashita Suzuki: Are you listening to me?Why would anyone speak initials that stand for Oll Korrect(which in itself is a misspelling) if he's not a MORON??
Me: Do you want an honest answer, an flattering answer, or for me to ignore the question completely?
Him:Ignore the question.
Me:Ermmm... besides the fact that Ok is the most commonly spoken word on the planet, what do you mean by 'when I conquer the world'??Do you know that world domination is next to impossible?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Irrevelent.I'm gonna get a bunch of nukes, bomb Amelica and a couple of other countries, take over the rwmains and lead an army of radioactive matter across the rest of the civilized globe(The uncivilized ones would come later).
Me:How do you get acess to the nukes?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm gonna steal the rugby ball.
Me:It's called the football.
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Nevar mind that.
Me:At any rate,how do you steal the Football.It is a, like, completely secure object with over 10 NSA agents and several CIA agents watching over it.Oh and it is Bulletproof and permanently attached to an aide
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Never mind that.
Me(humoring him):So what exactly would you do to help mankind if you in the impossible event that you actually conquer the world?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm going to make it mandatory for all but the old and the infirm to jog for an hour while holding their mouth wide open.
Me(trying to humor him):Because you really think well of exercise and fresh air??
Yuanmashita Suzuki:No,because I reeeeeaaaaalllly hate flies.

Me talking to the village idiot:
Sulen:Dei!!!!!
Me:Erm.......hi
Sulen:You not gonna make me write a sentonce for our project. I AM NOT YOUR BEST OF BORDER
Me(to myself):Isn't it beast of burden??
Me:OK
Sulen:Good and help me do my homework but i was tell teacher about how you insolted my intolligence
Me(to myself):Oh, great.
Later.....
Ryan:What exactly did you want Sulen to do?
Me:Type out her name and email so that we could contact her.

Me talking to the Class Sissy:
(Ryan was telling a funny parody about Garfield).
Me:haha
(Quiswart walks up and slaps me in the face)
Me:Aw!What was that for?
Quiswart:You just laughed at my favorite idol.
Me(to myself):Huh??
Me(to Quiswart):That was parody,not satir, you filthy **t**
Quiswart: Leo scolded vulgar. Boo-wah-wawaaaaah!
Me:Stop pretending to cry!!
Quiswart(wiping away imaginary tears):I'm telling Ms.YURTOAPHER!!
Me:Hey!!Low Blow!
Quiswart:Haha!!!!
(Ms.Yurtoapher entered the classroom.)
Quiswart(pretended to cry again): Leo said the B-word to me!
Ms.Yurtoapher:Stand up,Leo! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
Me:Well...it was like th-
Ms.Yurtoapher:HOW DARE YOU SAY VULGAR IN MY CLASS!
Me:But-
Ms.Yurtoapher:DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS A MENACE TO CIVILIZED LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!AND THAT..................................................................................................................................................................................
Me:But...
Ms.Yurtoapher:Don't Talk back to me!APOLOGIZE
Me:Errrmm..
Ms.Yurtoapher:APLOGIZE!!!!!
Me:But y-
Ms.Yurtoapher:APLOGIZE!!!!!!!
Me(in a voice as scarastic as I could muster):Sorry,Quiswart!
(When Ms.Yurtoapher turned her head back to the blackboard, Quiswart stuck his tongue out and pointed his middle finger at me in the same instant)

Quotes from famous people and my ex-classmate re-interpretion

veni,vidi,vici(I came, I saw I conquered)-Julius Caesar
Sulen Tanick-I came,I ate, I swelled

Meditation brings wisdom. Lack of meditation leaves ignorance. Know well what would lead you forward and what would hold you back-The Buddha
Crayon You-Money brings nachos, lack of money would leave hunger. Know well what would lead you foward, and what would hold you back.

Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration-Albert Einstein
Quiswart-Success is 1% instructing and 99% pestering


I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers-Gandhi
I believe in equality for everyone, except those other than myself- Sour Avenue

Ask not what the nation could do for you, ask what you could do for the nation-John F. Kennedy
Kwong Jenson-Ask not what the nation could do for you,ask what You could steal from the nation.

He who does not read has no advantages over he who cannot read-Mark Twain
He who does not insult has no advantages over he who cannot insult- Hilbert

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. -anonymous
F***D*-Whom the potato would destroy,he first spits mad.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.-Galileo Galilee
Yuanmashita Suzuki-I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with knives, guns and nukes has intended us to forgo their use.

This is one small step for a man,a big leap for mankind-Neil Armstrong
Ms.Yurtoapher-This is one small mathematical problem for a class,a big leap in toture for teacherkind.

A Girl I Like-Part 3

So, as a reader of my blog, you probably would know that there's this girl in my school that I like. (Check previous posts for similar titles). I'm planning to talk to her on Monday(tomorrow).Anyway, I hope you could wish me luck. At the very least, just wish me that something similar to my dream wouldn't happen. So just pray for me, okay? Thanks a lot of your help. Keep tuned to see how it goes.

_______________

The Utopian Chronicles-Chapter 1, The Airplane I

The airport official asked, "So your name's John Poe." John sighed, "No, it's John Doe." Official: "Oh. Anyway, please give me your brand-new toothpaste because we're afraid it might be a fluid bomb. That, and I'm out of toothpastes and don't have time to shop." John did so without complaint, thinking that airport officials are trustworthy.

He got on his Deathtrap Airlines airplane. "What's your cabin class?", the pretty air stewardess asked. "D", said John. The air stewardess showed him to the back of the plane. John sat on the plastic chair(comfortable semi-reclining chairs are only for economy class and higher" and tried not to fidget.

After a few minutes, the announcements were turned on:"Hi. I am Larry, your pilot for the day. We are approaching liftoff in approximately 5 to 60 minutes, depending on the engines. Could all passenger's please put on your seat belt. Otherwise, if you are in Class D, please tie on the piece of string provided. To entertain passengers, First Class has a state of the art entertainment system. Business and Economy can feel free to select between 20 and 40 channels. Class D passengers would have to make do with "Snakes on a plane", kindly hosted on a donated black-and-white TV. Restrooms are located between each cabin, with the exception of class D passengers, who are kindly advised to hold your water. If there is any quetions, all non-class D passengers feel free to ask the air stewardess. Otherwise, let's wait for our 1927 engine to decide the proper time of liftoff....Larry, have you checked the fuel tanks? No, have you? No, wanna stop and refuel? Not really, I want to practice my crash landing thingy again. You had all the fun last time you were the pilot. It's my turn. Hey, how do you turn off the announcements? Ouch! Wrong button. Maybe-" The announcements shut off

The Utopian Chronicles-Prologue

Note-Please read the previous post for the disclaimer


John sighed. He's sick of work. He hadn't had a brink from the demanding job of a clerk since(pauses to think)...1999. "That's it!"He suddenly shouted to the whole room, full of other cubicle dwellers. "I've had enough of being a clerk!!I'm going on a vacation!" A few eyebrows wore raised, but nobody paid much attention. In Path-E-Tech Industries(a merger between Path Elite and Tech Industries), such outbursts were common.

John ignored all the skeptical looks of his co-workers and went straight home(well, almost. he had to file a 70-page leave-of-absence paper first so that his unpaid vacation days wouldn't cost him too much of his last month's salary"

When he got home from the two-hour,five-mile commute(yep, traffic's jammed), he dialed the number of a tourist agency he saw on his company newsletter.
"Path-E-Tech Industries. How may I help you?"
"Actually, I'm looking for a good place to spend the vacation. I guess it's the wrong number.."
"No. of course not. *cough*'Better World Tourism Agency, how may I help you?"
"I would like to go on a vacation to some pl-"
"Say no further. Just take our 10D9N package for a relaxing stay in Utopia"
"Never heard of it. Maybe Hawaii is more suitable fo-"
"Just Google Utopia.Trust me, you'll like it!"
John Doe Googled utopia. Wikipedia largely praised Utopia, so like the idiot he is, he trusted Wikipedia.

The next day, he went to the travel agency(coincidentally located next to his company), and paid the heavy fees(over 5 digits). But he's sure it'll be worth it, when he read the brochure,

Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides transportation(with your own butler) straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! organic Carpets! A unique furnishing design in your room! Your own tv and refrigerator! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!

So what are you waiting for?Sign up today!

The Utopian Chronicles

“Abandon all hopes of utopia - there are people involved”-Quote from Clayton Cramer

I am planning to write a fictional story about a tourist who wanders into Utopia(see Utopia) and finds out that he couldn't leave.

Note: The Utopian chronicle's-related posts are entirely works of fiction. All persons, places, or events comes from the author's imagination. Any similarities with real persons, places or things comes from the author's lack of imagination.

Violence breaks out in the middle East

Ads-The following is owned by Draconlord Industries, a news coruption Company!

Note:This is part of the trend of EZ-news, news that is easy to gather!

SOMEWHERE, MIDDLE EAST-In a completely unsurprisingly violent event today, an unknown person whom some claims to be a terrorist, has launched an attack that killed at least one person and injured many more. This sparks fears that ethnic conflict is common among the Middle East. Apparently, at least one rich oil investor decided to switch his stocks to something "less volatile."

More locally, Mr. Mohammad(possibly his real name), an Arabic man who may or may not be in some way the victims or the attacker or both says(in an accent), "This is a scary attack. This may will spark off genocidal strikes against my portion of Islam. I'm afraid to let my girls attend parties after nine or reveal their faces in public anymore."When asked whether he had already forbidden those things, Mr.Mohammad refused to comment.

Both Osama Bin Ladin and George W. Bush declined to comment on this when they heard a personal meeting with the reporter(at their own expense and risk) would have to be arranged

The language of Laughter-Part 1

Many people asked me this question: How can you be funny? The answer isn't that obvious, actually. In humor, as in all other literary subjects, there are patterns to follow.

Lesson 1:Choice of words.
In a fantasy, impact is often delivered with powerful words. this doesn't mean that you have to use that many complicated words/phrases, just the right ones. Here's an example:

1)The rapier contacted, a canvas has been opened across the skin. Crimson liquid gently trickled through the canvas to land on the ground, increasing the productivity for the local flora and fauna by approximately 0.3%

2)The blade struck, and blood ran red.
Which one's better?

In humor, it's the same thing. Try to find funny-sounding words.
Here's an example(read out loud to see the difference)
1)What's the capital of Japan?Mitsubishi
2)What is the capital of japan?Toyota.
Although the answers both mean the same(a car manufacturer), clearly a) sounds better

2)Similarities.

Often, a person is most attracted to things he can relate to. For instance, my favorite blog is Andy's, which isn' t very funny(when one thinks 100% objectively) but is so similiar to my brand of humor that it could sometimes be hard to see the difference. the only slight difference is the topics, I deal more with concepts such as ideas, religions, government types(eg, A Girl I Like, Chuananity, Casiocracy), while he deals with events and conversations more(eg, day 1 behind the wheel, real vulgar, stuff like that).

3)Emphasis,emphasis, emphasis
Often emphasis on a single word could change the entire meaning of a sentence. Here's an example(emphasis is in italics)
1)What is said:I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:just what it syas, no implications

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:Somebody else said it

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I really didn't say that

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I implied it

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I said somebody else is a idiot

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:He was one in the past or future

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He's more than a single idiot, presumably plural form is suitable

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He is other, presumably worse things.

Unpopular Bookstore-The Smart Consumer

This is a supposedly true story that occurred to my friend Andy:

Andy:I wish to purchase a book for a friend of mine
Shopkeeper:Hi!Welcome to Unpopular bookstore? What books would you like to buy?
Andy:The gift variety.
Shopkeeper:Errm..what exactly?
Andy:A book. Something with pages, words, made of paper.
Shopkeeper:Could you be more specific?
Andy:A fantasy?
Shopkeeper:Just a little bit more specific
Andy:Hmmm...maybe it should have magic in it?
Shopkeeper:Oh man. A hard case.
Andy:On second thoughts, I'll be a little more specific. It should contain supernatural aspects
Shopkeeper:Sir, would you like to look for the books by yourself.
Andy:Fine, fine. You guys are sure friendly

Later...

Andy:Okay, I purchased the books.
Shopkeeper:Lets see; Conversations with god, Raising Hell, and Be a Lawyer:How to benefit from the arguments of others
Andy:Neat choice of books,eh?
Shopkeeper:Right...that would be 99.99 SGD(Slave's Grand Dollar), please
Andy:Fine, fine.(digs in unidentifiable places).Here;
Shopkeeper:Is that a gift cert?
Andy:No, five twenty percent coupons.
Shopkeeper: You can't use coupons together!Just read line 7
Andy:Didn't see anything. It says; Coupons can ot be used together.
Shopkeeper:Let me see that.....looks like a typo to me.
Andy:So the customer's supposed to pay for your mistake?
Shopkeeper:arrrggghhhh..fine, your purchase has been accepted.If you have any questions, please hessitate to ask.
Andy(slaps two 50 dollar bills):here
Shopkeeper(dim amount of hope entering his eyes):Cool!So you wanted to pay after all?
Andy:No. Actually I wanted the change....in pennies.
Shopkeeper: arrrggggghhhh
Andy:Really barbaric people in a bookstore. Who would have guessed?

Two Red Lights

Every time I walk to and from school, I have to pass two red lights. Which wouldn't have been that annoying, except that it's every single time. Which makes it kinda annoying, obviously. I have a couple of theories about why is that so:

1. The S'Pore government hates me so much that it persuades the US government to make the red lights whenever I come by.

2. The Christiananity church wants to get back at me for insulting their god so they rigged it.

3. God wants to punish me for insulting him

4. The International Brotherhood of nerds want to get back at me for revealing scared data to the "two-eyes" population.

5.It's the Arctum theory:I have convenient lapses of memory whenever I pass a green light.

6.I'm just darn unlucky

Number 5's the least likiest because I keep track of this type of info in my notepad, so unless I subconciously erase and edit whatever piece of data whenever I'm asleep, Number 5 doesn't work.

Comment.

Personality Test

Ads:Thanks to new advances in software-designing technology, at a cost of only $49.99our checking software will make sure that you will will not make a single typo errar!

Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of mine 'are you a com nerd quiz' , I decided to create a personality test that appeals to a wide range of personalities.

Instructions: On a piece of paper, please enter the letter that is closest to your answer for each question.

Question 1:What is your greatest ambition?
a)what's an ambition?
b)Going to Harvard and getting straight As there.
c)Helping others whenever and wherever you can
d)i)Stealing the football from the nerd in the white house
ii) Stealing the Football from the nerd in the White House.
e)Winning the international DoTA tournaments
f)Staying home and watching TV

Question 2:you saw your classmate being hit by some hoodlums. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Who, me ? I didn't see anything.
c)call the police. Then enter the melee and try to help your friend. It's the right thing to do.
d)Join in and take your share of the loot.
e)'Borrow' his com games. Blame the hoodlums the next day if he's still looking for the game
f)Stay home and watch TV

Question 3: What do your friends call you?
a) i had friends? Nobody ever told me!
b)nerd
c)Mr/Ms. Manners
d)So far, no one's stupid enough to call me anything
e)Gamelord
f)Cool!I Love Friends.It's a great show!

Question 4: If someone would give you a million dollars, what do you do?
a)What's a dollar?
b)Put it on savings for your college
c)Donate it. It's the right thing to do.
d)Buy some grenades and a couple of AK-47s(one for my home, one for my school, one in the car, and a few spares.)
e)Invest it in the best gaming system ever!
f)Just watch TV and tell your little sister to take care of boring stuff like that

Question 5: You're falling in love with your friends' girlfriend. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Tell the two of them to join you at a table and diplomatically re-evaluate each of your wants and needs
c)Ignore your emotions. It's the right thing to do.
d)Kill him and take advantage of her while she's upset
e)Cool, this happens to mine character in one of mine Sims games
f)Stay home and watch TV

Question 6:Your classmate hosted a party while his/her parents are out-of-town. A few days later, his/her parents called you and asked what happened. What do you do?
a)You never get invited to par-you forgot what it's caled
b)You are too busy studying to go to these parties
c)Shoulder all the blame. It's the right thing to do.
d)Blame everything on him. Confess all the crimes he did and did not do.
e)Give an anonymous suggestion that his parents ban him from using the laptop for a month or two. Heck, there's no point in not taking advantage of the situation.
f)Turn off the phone, stay home and watch TV

Question 7: Which of the following clubs/associations are you likely to attend?
a)Association of Short Term Memory Losers
b)Smartkids.com
c)Boy Scouts
d)The American Society of Sadists
e)The Gamer's Alliance
f)Cable On Demand

Question 8: What is your favorite movie/program and why?
a)The thing that pops up when you don't move your mouse or hit any keys on your com. It's an epic mini series.
b)The Discovery Channel
c)LOTR(It's cool to have good triumph over evil)
d)Saving Private Ryan. Go Nazis!!
e)Star Wars. 'cause I like their games
f)Whatever's on TV that needs minimal flipping of the remote control

Question 9:You see an attempted murder victim in the last throes of dying.What do you do?
a)What's murder?
b)Cool, just the human dissection corpse we did for my bio class!My teacher would be soooo pleased
c)Call the police and try to comfort him in the meantime
d)Finish the job
e)Call the police and borrow whatever com games he have.He won't need them anymore
f)Stay home and watch TV

Question 10: Lightning has struck the TV broadcasting tower.What do you do?
a)It's a sign of god's displeasure!Run for your life!
b)Ask someone to pay you to fix it.
c)Find a nerd to fix it.It's the right thing to do.
d)Take this time to do some mischief.
e)Play com. It doesn't affect you at all.
f)Stay home, turn on your com, and watch You-tube


Mostly A's:You are an idiot
Mostly B's:You are a nerd, and a serious case at that
Mostly C's:You are nice guy. Admitting this problem is the first step to its solution
Mostly D's:You are a somewhere between a playground bully and a full-blown sadist.
Mostly E's:You are a gamer
Mostly F's:You are a couch potatoe

Nerdmares

You ever had a dream that's real scary when you are actually dreaming but seems harmless, funny, and even a little(sometimes a lot) nerdy when you are awake? Anyway, I have these all the time. I christen these dreams nerdmares, mostly because I can't think of a more creative name.

For instance, there's this dream I had a couple of months ago. It was like this: I was walking near some grassy places (Don't ask me why, dreams aren't that logical). So, anyway, I saw Quiswart, someone from my elementary school who is just a little bit(ok, a lot) of a sissy. "Ha!" he said, "my computer's faster than yours!" I was kinda creeped out, although I'm not sure it mattered. Then, I turned left. There was, like, a 50-inch flat screen computer monitor. There was the green numbers ticking backwards from 8. I don't know why, but I started running. Then, there was a big explosion of greenish light. Next thing I know, i was awake, covered completely in cold sweat. My first impulse was to run. Then, I hit my slipped off my bed and hit my head on the floor. Ouch.

More recently, I had a nerdmare a couple of days ago. It went like this: I was walking down a hallway. I saw the girl I..err...admire. So, I finally plucked up my courage to talk to her. I said: "I like you""I like me too." "That's not what you're supposed to say" "Oh?" "You're, like, supposed to say you like me" "Okay, I li-, Hey, you're trying to trick me!"
Then, Evan (not his real name) came along.
Him:You just tried to trick my girlfriend?
Me:No, I didn't
Him:Yes you did.
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:Double no!
Him:Triple yes!
Me:Quadruple no!
Him: Qui-...qui..qui...erm...yes times infinity to the power of infinity!Ha, I won!
Me:Uh-Oh
Then, there was a brilliant blue light.creepy
I was floating upwards...slowly but surely. I heard, in a man's voice, the following:You have now entered the gate way to heaven 724-I19. Please give your student ID number to faciliate tracking. Me:28901. "Wrong." Me:"How did you know that it's wrong?" Him:"I am God. I have infinete powers." Me:"Right" Him:"I have detected scarasm. For that sin(and because I had a really lousy day), Go to hell!!"
Then I woke up

PD1101-The Unauthorized History of Pardus 1

When I was in National University of Yugoslavia High, my friend's used to joke that I'll be teaching people how to 'pardus'(a really addictive game at pardus.at) if I'm a teacher. Well, I decided to try my hand at it.

Note:The following is a work of fiction. To see the 'real' story, go to here
Note:This class is mandatory(core module) to all students interested in majoring in Pardus.
Chapter 1

There has always been games. Ever since the first caveman played with bones and created tic-tac-toe, there has been games. Inventors have always wanted to make games superior, to make life funner for all, be they sports, on a piece of paper, board, imagination, gamebooks, or computer games. History has been rife with games, with each game more complicated, each creation of greater ingenuity and expense. But the time that games could be limited to boards, PCs, cities and countries are long gone, since the Americans(Vinton Cerf,) invented the Internet.
When the American Werner Bayer went to University on his Ford Explorer and met Michael Sizell, they both realized(to their shock) that they aren't the only com nerds in the universe.



Okay. Here concludes lesson 1. How do you guys like it so far?