Disclaimer

All posts on this blog are considered fictional and are a result of the author's imagination Any resemblances to real persons, places, events or things are purely accidental or coincidental and are a result of the author's lack thereof.

Readers may assume my posts are real at their own risk.





*btw, I say this because my physics class classmates found out the url a couple of weeks ago.

Going to China-Part 2

Note:This wasn't written in real time. Leonardo had this on his diary for quite some time but never got round to posting it for reasons I can't reveal. (This is Andy, safeguarding some part of Leo's e-diary)

Anyway, we had to stay in Tokyo for a while because our transfer flight didn't work as expected because of our previous delay . Which should be really lousy, but since the airline provided us with five-star hotel reservations, not really. And that's cool. Really. No joke about it. On a totally unrelated note, Yuanmashita gave me a parcel for just this scenerio. He gave a very evil laugh when doing so. Something about killing the {infideltraitorminister}. Werid

I'll write more but there are men in black outside the spa shouting "Get the **** guy who killed the Prime minister's twin brother!!!" I guess I'll just have to watch the f

Going to China-Part 1

Okay, so I had to go to Beijing, China. Which should have been quite cool. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to a dry, freezing place filled with sand, destructive and dangerous winds, a pollution index of over 200, and entire buildings covered by layers of grime? Sounds like the perfect holiday place to me.

The problem is that my parents and I ain't the only people to think of taking advantage of such a brilliant place. Lots of other people are also just literally dying to buy tickets to tour China. That's why the only tickets to Beijing in our financial capabilities(under 5k) from the place I used to live in has to be transfered twice. Scary. At least I think its scary to be in unknown places with possible terrorist connections and definete language barriers. But that's just personal preferences. Some people might consider such to be the high point of their holiday. Really. These some people are highly recommended to take a vacation in Utopia.

Anyway, on the way to Tokyo from Detroit(So maybe I spelt it wrong. So sue me), the 747 had to stop in Alaska because somebody's package accidentally got on the plane without the passenger. Apparently it's neccessary to retrieve the package and stop the plane in mid-flight. Gee, a REALLY important package. Either that, or terrorist connections


I'll write more but the online systems charge by the minute

Utopia-Customs un-official

Note that this is a collaboration post that continues the story told in here


Why the ****(oh, use your imagination) does Andy have to drive the car????Of all the people in the world, why do I have to get the most incompetent driver in the universe??? It's kind of scary when you consider that he probably broke down every single traffic rule in existence(never driver the wrong way in a one-way road, never drive on two lanes, never go over 110mph in a 20-year old car, never go past red lights when the light is already red for over two minutes, just to name a few). It's ridiculous. And terrifying. Within ten minutes, I'm shutting my eyes and hoping that, by some miracle, I'll survive. Within 15, I revised my hope to a quick death.

I guess I must have gotten asleep, because we were already in California's international airport when Andy woke me up(not directly. it was the collision that done it). As for how we could have covered a 3-day journey during the time of my nap, I do not want to know. Really. It's just a little bit intimidating.

On the bright side, both of us got out of the car before it transformed from transportation machine into nuclear furnace. Lucky us. Then we had to go past customs. (We had different lines so I had no idea how his went). Anyway, the dude at the checkpoint stopped me. He said, "I heard the US customs official stopped you on alleged terrorist charges." Me:"Kinda" Him: "This is serious." Me: "Gee, do you think? But he was an incompetent excuse of a customs official" Him: So what do you Koreans want to do in Utopia? Bomb Borgia Tech?
Here we go again......

Fortunately, after a lot of useless words, the conversation came to this:
Him:Are you a insane homeland-terrorist serial killer?
Me:As I said the first couple hundred times, no.
Him: Then why are you Korean??
Me:I'm F@ckiing Chinese!!!!
Him:Right.
Me:Fine. fine. I'm, a terrorist. happy?
Him: Okay. You could go now.
Me: Huh?
Him: Our local government has a very strong anti-terrorist stance. if there aren't at least a few terrorists stirring up stuff, they might potentially lose an re-election.

Besides that, the process went smoothly until I was walking to the pre-appointed place to meet Andy.

A slick-looking guy with a counterfeit tuxedo, a suitcase in one hand and a brochure in the other stopped me. "Well, well, sir. You look like an intelligent man. Do you know how dangerous planes are?." He waved the brochure under my nose "Perhaps you'd like to purchase our premium health insurance policy??"

I was about to refuse. But they I thought of our trip to California. If that's the amount of damage one idiot could do with a car, imagine the effect of an incompetent airplane pilot. I reached for the brochure. Him: Just one minor question before we start. What airline do you use? Me: Ermmm...Deathtrap Airlines
Quick as a snake, he snatched the brochure from my hand. "I can't insure them!" he screeched, "They are the worst!!"

I walked away and shrugged, consoling myself that there wouldn't be any dangers. While walking, I slipped and fell. Hard. Not a very auspicious beginning.

Over(Or not. Your call)

Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 2)

"YEAH!!I WON 2 TICKETS!!" I said
Andy:WE WON 2 TICKETS!
Me:WE??It's my ticket! I paid for it!
Andy: Well, who's coming with you?Your parents?
Me:No. For starters, my girlfriend
Andy:You don't have a girlfriend
Me:Totally irreverent. I have pretty high hopes that Karen will like me sooner or later
Andy:Yeah. When pigs fly.
Me:How did you guess what she said?
Andy:Lucky guess. Seriously, you don't have much of a hope.
Me: Yes I do. I'm hedging my bets on the cross-genetics of a bat-pig.
Andy:Right. But you need to take a break from all that genetics. So we might as well go to Utopia
Me:Fine. I'll just check the website out. On the link they gave(BeckandBillchips.com/randomcheapskateprize/Utopia/Lowclass/superlow/brochure), It said:

Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides chauffeured transportation straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! Organic carpets!Antique furniture! A unique furnishing design in your rooms! Your own tv and refrigerator! Private bathing facilities! Great food! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!


It also gave a phone number
Me:You call.
Over.

Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 1)

I promised Andy that I'll visit him in The President's Inn. Within ten minutes, I regretted the decision. Since I'm not legally old enough to drive by myself, I have to do a combination of walking and taking a bus. Which is okay, except that the place here is cold. And when I say cold, I don't mean cold. I mean COLD .As in reaaaallll cold. At least it wouldn't be that cold in the hotel, I thought. First mistaken assumption of the day.

When I arrived at the President's Inn, I found that THEY HADN'T TURNED ON THE THERMOSTAT. Which is bad. Really bad. Oh, and to top it off, they had the air-conditioning pouring cold air. At full blast. Andy mentioned that the people here are unfashionable, but this is taking out-of-season to a whole new level. Anyway, I was hungry and wanted to grab a bite to eat. So I did. The only problem is that the cafeteria's serving ice cream. So I went to one of these old chips machines. You know, one of the 25-cents for a moldy chip bag chips? Yeah, those types. On the top of the packet, it says {Win a ticket for two to Utopia}. Personally, I'll feel lucky just to win a full, unspoilt bag of chips.

Anyway, I got into Andy's hotel room after my purchase. "What took you so long?" he asked. Me:"Two late buses, three accidents, one avalanche and an old lady's groceries." Him: "Oh"
He grabbed my bag of chips and proceeded to tear it open with his teeth. Yuck, I thought. Anyway, I didn't feel like getting the bag back(wonder why). So I changed the subject. We were talking about his experiences as a bus driver when he choked.

After a lot of sputtering from both of us(one of us was laughing while the other's coughing. Guess who), a plastic sheet popped out of his mouth. It said

Congratulations!You have won a pair of tickets and two-weeks worth of free hotel reservations to Utopia!

Collaboration Posts

Okay, me and Andy are planning to write about our adventures in Utopia together so that our readers could read both our blogs and to entertain you guys more. Of course, as with any effort between two people, there are rules

1. Don't hog your time
~Both of us will try to post within 24 hours of each other

2.Be logical
~Duh! Of course, this doesn't mean that it has to be completely logical. Just stuff that relatively narrow-minded people find within the realms of possibility

3.This operates like an RP
~We are kind of role playing, but unlike forum games, the main objective is humor. Also, using the first person tense is allowed and even recommended

4.Whenever one of us finishes posting, end with an "Over"
~self-explanatory

5.Recall
~If one of us write about something that completely change the story in a way that the other poster could not live with, we can issue an recall after careful discussion

6.Be funny!
~The Golden rule of any humor blog

One-Liners

Here are some one-liners based upon a \dude/ called Chen Qi Hang. Sure they are a little childish, but hey, if you read the tagboard, so is \he/. Btw, they are all made up by yours truly or his friends so they are more or less original.


His head is so empty, vacuum gets sucked in there.
When he dies, the world's average IQ went up by two.
If he's any dumber, he'll be an non-living organism.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, he'll own you five bucks.
The only one in the world less manly than him is his boyfriend.
If stupidity's a crime, his extended family and local government will be on death role for harboring a criminal.
He's even dumber than he looks. Trust me, that's saying something.
When Einstein created the theory of relativity, he made a major flaw. Everything is superior to CQH.
What's the difference between CQH and a bucket of sh!t? Some will say the bucket, but that's a major insult to sh!t.
He is so ugly, he gave Tylenol a headache.
On his way home from burger king, he went to a Costume contest by accident. They said "sorry, no professionals"
When he went to the local "village fool" contest, the police arrested him for indecency in a public place. He revealed his mask.
When the police arrested him, all the inmates screamed and ran out.
He made a lawyer sue herself after realizing she represented him.
When he looked into his mirror, the glass cracked.

His parents committed a major crime against humanity.
The only reason why he's going to Hell is because God won a bet.
He's a living reason why people converts into atheism.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking
Only beat 2 million other sperm because of a loophole in the rules.
Scientists originally considered him as a virus because viruses are half-nonliving objects. Then they found out about the other half.
When people called his home phone and ask to speak to the master of the house, his cat answered.

To Think like a Writer-Part One

An important thing about being a writer is thinking like a writer. In fantasy, for instance, impact with the audience by creating vivid and powerful images/characters is vital. A good fantasy story should capture the imagination of the reader to the fullest. For instance, here is two possible ways to describe the same thing(the second one is a direct quotation of a book I'm writing).

1)The house was quiet and calm.
2)In the house, all was calm, but a deadly calm, like the few seconds of peace before a storm.

Of course, that doesn't mean that a writer has to use complicated phrases or words, only that he must use them to the maximum effect. For instance, the clinché dark lord is always referred as "The Dark Lord, The Dark One, Mordred, Satan, Loki, etcetera." This is the principle of understated power, the idea that two or three syllables could deliver more power than hundreds.

Like this.

Now, to the main point of this blog:humor. In most(some say all) cases of humor, something unexpected must occur. To think like a writer, one must have a instinctual sense for the unexpected. Also, ironically, clinchés are used the most often in humor, because humor uses cliches to the maximum effect, by replacing a common idiom with an unexpected one.

Now, to think like a writer, give the most unexpected answers to the following Q's(I'll give examples at the end)

1)You are in a dark alley where you see a couple of guys robbing another one. You have only a toy gun. What do you do?

2)If life gives you lemons, _________

3)Life is a bowl of cherries_________


Sample answers
1)Is Karen there?(It's good because of being totally unexpected as well as being completely open-ended. It really allows the readers to use their imagination. Nerds see a nerdy meaning. people with morals see a moral ending, sadists see a sadistic one, horny people see a obscene ending, etc)

2. choke on them and die..... you stupid lemon eater!(Perfected by Scot Adams)

3)My stupid little cousin ate them all or the bad one in the center spoils the whole thing or it's tastiest when mashed together and beat into pudding.

The Girl I Like-Part 7

Over time, and certain unfunny events I'd rather not talk about, (even though she didn't exactly say so) I'm pretty sure now that she doesn't like me. How sad. So that's that, I guess. Obviously I'm not pleased with the outcome. *shrugs* Anyway, from a reader's point of view, it's probably unfair that such a long(and remarkably, considering it's serious context, funny) series will have such an boring and anticlimax ending. It's even sadder when you consider that this is literally the most popular series of my blog. So sue me. Anyway, if you want to read the entire series, it's here(in chronological order):

A girl I like
A girl I like-Part 2
Nerdmares
A girl I like-Part 3
A girl I like-Part 4
Best School Day ever!!
A girl I like-Part 5
Murphy's Stupid Law
A girl I like-Part 6
A girl I like-Part 7

Or you can just click on the link on the bottom of this post(the one on the right of labels). Your call.

P.S.Sometimes, when fact gets boring, imagination takes over. So to be fair to you guys, I'll post on ways that she could have rejected me instead of the actual truth:

Me: Out with it. If you don't like me, just turn around, look at me straight in the eye, and say so.
She turned around, looked at me and said: I like you, but I just don't like you.
Me:Fine. Could we be friends?
Her:No.
Me:People who sit at the same table?
Her:Nope.
Me:Classmates?
Her:Nah.
Me:People who know each other well enough to say high?
Her: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of like as in some stranger who held the door open for me.
Me:Oh. On the bright side, at least you own me something.
Her:Good point.I'll ask my friend to help you open the door on your way out of the cafeteria.
Me:Could you at least do it yourself?
Her:Do I look as if I want to be within three feet of you?

Later...
Me:There's still a glimmer of hope
Mark:Really?
Me:Yeah. She looked at me in the forehead, not in the eyes.

History-The Utopian Civil Wars

Now, class, this is the BoaN parody of a history class. Pay attention. Thanks! Don't pretend to read this post while dozing off. I'm talking to you. Yes, you!! Don't act innocent!So pay attention! Sit up straight

Anyway, as avid history students already knew, Utopia was founded in the dawn of time. At least, that's what it says on the Utopian history book. An alternative theory was once advanced that Bill Gates founded the country as a cultural test tube for computers, but no proofs have been advanced, other than the obvious.*

The first Utopian Civil War began in 1924. It was a war that was aptly known as the color wars, a complex battle fought between "Reds" and "Blues." The reason behind the war is complex and intriguing, but it basically boils down to this: The "Reds" believe that red is the best color whereas the "Blues" are naturally inclined to favor the color blue. Extremely intelligent arguments were given by both sides to support their thesis, for instance "Human blood is red. Red is the chosen color for the noble race","Since the sky is blue, god has favored his children to be blue. Duh!" and "Even a idiot knows that red's the coolest color out there. If you don't believe that, you are a even dumber idiot than a idiot." and other intelligent comments like that.

By the fall of 1940, the entire country, despite attempts to secure peace from both sides and neutrals like greens and blacks trying to save the nation, was like a metaphorical powder keg. Only one spark would be enough to set the entire country exploding. That spark was started in Dumbsville. A Red politician, Mr.Crimson and a Blue politician, Mr. Azure were just entering peace talks when, to his shock and horror, Mr. Crimson saw that Azure's socks were showing! Not only that, but they are blue! Believing that to be a deliberate insult to his affiliation, Mr.Crimson immediately reacted in what he believed to be the most appropriate way: He punched Mr.Azure. Red blood spilled out of Azure, and believing it to be a sign of heaven, Crimson led his forces into a merry way of destruction against all Blues, ransacking their homes, spray-painting everything red and destroying anything they could find.

So began the most violent war in Utopian history. Between 0 and three billion casualties(depending on who you believe) was caused by this war. Men, women and children were slaughtered mercilessly. Neutrals were often caught in the crossfire. Accusations of betrayal were common, and anyone caught using the opponents color were denounced as traitors and subsequently hanged. Indeed, within the first few months of the war, Blue generals made it mandatory for all soldiers to carry swabs of cotton so that their blood could be wiped
away to reduce the risk of friendly fire. During the later part of the war, the Reds made an unsuccessful(fortunately) nuclear mission to annihilate the ocean so "That big patch of b!ueness wouldn't have to interfere with our b!@# eyes."

The war was finally ended when both sides ran out of ink and dyes and decided to sign a peace treaty using a black pen**. The treaty now hangs in the National Monument Park(or at least it did, until it was stolen)


*Utopian language is based on binomial, a language of 0s and 1s. However, their mathematics is rather backward and their religion prohibits belief in 0s, so their language is effectively a language of 1s. A typical Utopian sentence would be the following:
1111 1 1 1 11 1 1111 1111 11 1 1111 1 1 1 1 11 11 11 1111111111111111 1 1 1 1 1 1111 111 1 1 1 1 1 11 1 11 1 11 1 111.

**That is what is said in contemporary history books. Blues still claim they won in February 30th, or F-Day, whereas Reds claim that they have eradicated the color Blue completely and that our current blue is just a pale imitation of red

Quotes

It's better to keep silent and make people think you are a idiot than to start talking and remove the benefit of a doubt-Urban Legend

Okay, the following are real quotes taken from my classmates. They are jumbled up so that you couldn't guess the quoter too easily. Note:A few of them are made by your truly.

"I am the God of gods"
"Are you deaf as well as dead?"
"Your pimple is larger than your nose"
"The square root of pi is negative 12"
"Still thinking... kind of lost"
"The claw of Viperazor will annihilate all"
"Are you crazy?You want to play com three days before the finals...wanna play chess, lah?"
"I am the Guardian of Destruction"
"My soul is in the cards"
"Legal=Moral"
"Ryan's so stingy he can't even buy his own food...mind if I borrow your fries?"
"The human brain is a fragile and extremely potent machine that...d@mn, I forgot my lines"
"The place is so old, the Da Vinci code is in the first edition...wait, that doesn't sound right"
"Did you know that your car broke down in front of the lobby..wait, today's march 31st. Never mind, I'll tell you later."
"Trust me, you do not want to know"
"My pet crocodile made me eat mine homework"

Snow

Note:This is my attempt to borrow Andy-ish elements to create a post

This story is about snow*

*In case you don't know what snow is(because you live in warm places like Africa, South America, Australia, South Asia, Singapore and/or Hell), snow is a natural phenomenon commonly occurring in cold places. It, for unknown reasons, generally go down, not up. Snow is useful for building snowman, snowball fights, making a picturesque scenery by covering the dirt, jamming cars, etc.

Now back to the story. The story began when I woke up(well, it technically began millenniums ago in the clouds and seas and stuff, but that's another story). I woke up because the alarm bell was threatening to light-saber my head open if I do not(In retrospect, I should have been clearer to the guy on Ebay when i purchased a Sci-Fi themed clock). Anyway, when I woke up and looked out of the window I saw that everything was white. I was really groggy and my first reaction was that I was dreaming. I pinched myself. No reaction. I pinched my self a bit harder. Still no feelings. Then I pinched myself REAL HARD. OUCH!! So I guess I'm not dreaming after all. So, it's snow.

Which should have been pretty cool. But it wasn't. Not really. Because our car was covered with snow. My dad pressed his starter chip thingy. It didn't work. So we have to open the car manually. So he pulled the driver-side door. And pulled it. And pulled it the third time. D@mn! The snow glued the car together. So after a long time and a very complicated process involving three more people, a lever and a lot of curses by four people at one guy(hint:I'm not the curser), we finally got the door open and the windows' snow scrubbed. Which is pretty cool. So my father drove me to school. Well, 'drove' is putting it mildly. 'Slid' would be a far more accurate term. Gee, my neighborhood snow car drivers are really lazy. In retrospect, encouraging my dad to buy really cool race-car wheels was a bad idea.

When we got to school, the school turned out to be closed. The good news: I have time to work on my blog now
The bad news: The opptunity is ripe for NDEs on the way home.

Another Poll

Okay, in the current poll of "How often do you check my blog?," three people voted. Also, according to StatCounter, I have over 20 unique viewers per week. Weird.

So here's the poll results and my analysis:
1 person voted once a week
1 person voted almost every day
1 person voted several times a day

In conclusion, there is one guy who likes my blog,
one guy who really don't have a life,
and I accidentally voted on my own poll.

Oh, and I have 17 procrastinators reading my blog.
So, if you don't want to be labeled as a procrastinator , vote on the next poll!

A True Yugoslavian Story-Frucking Transit

Check this godly thing out!!!

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. ~Lao Tzu


The public transport system has yet to have fatal accidents.That's about the only thing good I could say about it.A friend of mine has gone through these in detail...You may read them http://fictionauthor.blogspot.com/2007/02/public-transport-final-frontier.html">at
I,on the other hand would not bother to do the bigger details.I'll just type about what happened a coupla days ago.

Ok,one fine Wednesday while wearing FULL SCHOOL UNIFORM and trying my best to tie a tieI was groggy and went to the bus stop.I waited for,like,half an hour(I used the time to sleep) before the Fr*aking bus finally arrived.As usual,I payed in change and was about to climb the stairs when the bus driver stopped me and said(with a hokkien accent):where got student pass?
Me:Sir,I don't have
Him:No pass,can't prove you student.Pay adult fare
Did I mention I was wearing full schoool uniform?(yeah,with the nerdy tie and all).Now,I was kinda tired and didn't feel like saying anything.Now,if I had,I would have used my poweress of scarasm and the coversation would have been like this:
Me:(pointing towards my uniform):NUSHS apparently stands for Nuclear Underground Society of Hyper Scientists and I'm about to attend an illegal meeting while everyone else my age is going to school.That is so likely.
Bus driver:huh?speak in Enlish.
Me:I got pass and I particularly feel like paying an extra ten cents and waste more time paying coins.Yes,it's an hobby of mine,donating to SMRT.
Bus driver:you go


Unfortunately I was kinda sleepy so I wasn't able to do anything with my `silver toungue'.So I decided to be tolerant and payed him the adult fare(well,I often wondered if they accept chocolate money.Apparently, they do.