Halloween

Note: So maybe the title isn't too original. Blame it on the genes. 

OK, 'tis time of the year again where people celebrate Satan's birthday by wearing lousy costumes, asking for treats, and going to totally awesome parties. Which, mysteriously enough, I did not participate in. *pauses* Could be that I didn't get an invitation, but hey. Anyway, back to the main point. 

I never understand horror movies and books and stuff. I mean, the point of the average movie is that you're supposed to identify with the main character and somehow pretend, for the two or three hours of the movie, that you're like him/her. And of all the different movie types, horror is the only type I could not see myself in. (OK, fine, I can't imagine myself being an action hero either(very minor problem of weak muscles). And yeah, I guess can't really see myself as a savior of the universe either. Of course people will laugh if I try to be a star in a romance movie. And no, I'm just not too cut-out to be a drama-type. If there's a mystery involved, my first instinct will probably be to arrest the most obvious criminal(the practice of which would be very useful for real detectives, but has the suspense level of the average fall from a 3-step stair)

*pauses*

As a matter of fact, the only type of scenario in which I would actually act like the protagonist is in a comedy movie...and that's only if I don't try to be funny. I  guess that means I really don't have a life...

*pauses again* But that's really F%^&ing beside the point. The point is that while it is apparently easy(for most people, at least), to pretend to be, say, James Bond, horror presents a totally different scenario. Ignoring all the people who don't matter, there would be only two real possible options for a guy to empathize with. 

The Killer and the Victim.

I'm just gonna guess, for the sake of common sense here, that nobody wanna be the victim 'cause not a lot of people enjoy getting their heart ripped out, slowly morphing into a rat, or having their blood splatter spectacularly on the screen in full high definition 3D, complete with creepy music and totally realistic sound effects. 

So the only choice left is the Killer. Which is just a little bit scary, since there would be 3 or 4 million moviegoers who constantly enjoy the sadistic effects of their hooks grappling the poor guy, their knives ripping out a girls' heart, their teeth sucking out blood, their slime oozing and killing and eating. Creepy.

And you know what's the worst part? These horrormoviephiles(as I like to call them), are totally, completely anonymous. You never know where they'll strike. 

So you could be at a grocery store, standing in line while a weird dude's in front of you. You could be thinking "Goddamn it, he's staring at me!I hope he's not gay...". And he'll be thinking: "That guy has a weird look to him. I'll so enjoy sacrificing his heart to the Aztec gods."

Which is why I hate horror movies.

PS. Who said that you can't get paranoid without pot? 

Drugs and the US

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Personally, I have a serious problem with America and its attendant welfare system. It seems stupid to me. I mean, here's literally the American government's take on opium

factor 1:The US only has enough resources to either ban the production of opium or the consumption of opium.
factor 2: Opium creates billions of dollars in revenue and is a major cash crop.
factor 3: Opium and attendant drugs are exceedingly dangerous, especially to people dumb enough to take drugs in the first place.
factor 4: The US's main competitor for major opium plantations is Afghanistan
factor 5:Opium and related drug lords have direct affiliations with Al Qaeda.


So what does the glorious and oh-so-smart government do??? Ban the production of opium, of course. So now, here's the new scenario.

1. Lots of Americans wants opium and related drugs.
2. The USA is in a costly war against Afganistan, which seems well-funded for some mysterious reason.
3. Even more strangely, people seems to have access to drugs even though they're rarely grown/ lab coated drugs
4. For some odd reason, the free, taxpayer-funded, million-dollar rehab clinics with spas, swimming pools, and 50 inch LCD TVs does not seem to dissuade people from doing drugs. Weird.

Oh, the intelligence.


Personally, I think legalizing drugs is the way to go. The way I figure it, nobody's gonna to stop doing drugs with all the pity statutes we currently have, so let them figure it out by themselves. I mean, they're not gonna quit until they wake up and their entire body's covered with their own pus. you know. In addition, don't forget the not-so-minor point of all the cash that could remain in the States.


Better yet, let natural selection take it's course and let people without any self-control do what they have to do already. If they wanna die and clear up the gene pool, the way I figure it, be my guest.:P

Trust me, this will solve a lot of problems. Not only will it save a lot of government funds and Afgan soldiers, it will make the average human smarter!!Plus, it will solve the sub-prime mortgage crisis as people who have the general legalities for being able to loan(ie, alive) would actually put money in their house and not drugs.



Everybody wins.




And that's why I should be the unconditional and absolute dominator of the universe.

Volunteer Job

Hey, right now I'm posting this from my Volunteer Job at the Huajiadi South Program for Kids With Slow Wits(Really, it's called that. And you wonder why they need me to work as a translator). Anyway, they have some nice computers, and since the foreigner reporters hadn't come yet(They would come sometime between now and sep. 30th. It's a surprise!), I have nothing to do but blog and chat. Oh, and work, but I'm hoping it's a joke.


Anyway, once I get from my creativity slump, I'll post a lot. Enjoy!!!

Chinaboy

Hey, I'm in China right now. And I honestly can't think of anything to write. Even though the ban on blogger has been lifted. So if you could think of anything that could serve as inspiration, please mail me. or reply to the tagboard.

Middle of The Road

Note 1:I'm in charge of Eternalduel's E-Paper now. Please create an account if you wanna be a columnist. YES!!!

Note 2: We are approaching the 100th post!!!So mail me or reply on the tagboard for ideas of the celebrations!!!Woo-hoo!!

Note 3:So list what type of posts you want (Philosophy, satire, test/quizzes, more Chuananity, more Utopia, W.K.J. King, etc) 

Note 4:Yes, I really need a life. How in the world did you guess??

  An interesting thing about me is that I often look at things from a different angle. For instance, take this scenario. Suppose you're walking back home from an unfamiliar place and you have to take a small, narrow, windy, road, twisting and curving. There's no sidewalk, and only two lanes in opposite directions, separated by double yellow lines. Cars flash past in both directions

at high speeds and stuff, infrequently and in both directions. What would you have done?

  The majority of people would be bored after the first sentence and went to another website already. A slightly smaller percentage will ask "Who cares?" If they're partially serious, they(you) might say something extremely intelligent like "walk on the side of the road" or "just hope for the best." Some cowards, when actually in the scenerio, will take another road or ask for a lift.

 I wouldn't

  What I would(did) do is simple. I walked on the yellow lines. My theory is that most drivers obey the traffic laws and keep to the sides, besides, there's always the risk of crashing into another car going the opposite direction, so they wouldn't dare, thus insuring my safety. 

 So far, it worked.

So what's my point? Simple. Don't blame me(or anyone else, for that matter) for thinking of an alternative solution to a problem.  Instead, applaud them. And whatever you do, never, ever, ever, chase them out with sticks and then preach to your whole audience that the genius who helped you is a servant of the devil. 

That's what I told the local pastor. Seriously, why should he get mad?? I was just trying to help his church turnout. I mean, what's the difference between flyers celebrating the birth of Christ or the afterlife and a flyer labeling Vatican controversies? Really weird guy.

That's why I hate being a genius. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

(Today) July 11th is my birthday. If I had one birthday wish, I'll wish for immortality. Or world peace. Might as well aim high. 

Weeding out the Morons-Final

Note:I felt guilty for not posting much lately, so I made this post extra, extra-long. Also, I'm starting to experiment with different colors and fonts, just for fun. If it gives you eyesore, just mail me and I'll stop. The last thing I want to do is to have a 'blog' like the attention seekers in Myspace or Facebook, who hide behind glitter, pictures, and wacko font, presumable to conceal the fact that their actual posts are bullcr@p.

Ok, now, for the most interesting part of the series, I will tell a story. You might be wondering why the style is somewhat unfamiliar. That's because it is actually based (very loosely) on a childhood story(in chinese), however, I cranked the irony and sarcasm up a few notches. In fact, it could be said to be the textbook example of satire. So without further ado, let's begin. (puts on storytelling voice)

The Just King.

Once upon a time, in an islandish citiesh kingdom far, far, away, there was a king. He was often said to be a wise, just and kind king*. In fact, he consider himself to be the wisest, justest** and kindest king in the world.

He was so just, wise and kind that he has audience with his subjects on a frequent basis. Indeed, he treats his subjects as equals. Here are just a few of the many times he showed justice, kindness and wisdom:

The Hideous Menace

On one of the few times (being such a great king, he's often busy) he has holidays***, the king decided to take a walk in the streets to experience the common life of the city-dwellers. Of course, his people, very properly, showed some slight respect by following the 5 Ls, as he walked by namely, lowering their eyes, lowering their tone of voice slightly,a Little amount of respectable smiles and of course, Lowering their bodies and kissing the ground and laying the red carpet.

As he was walking by, he noticed an extremely unsightly scene. There was a taint to the national monument****(His statue, somewhat larger than life and created with a slight amount of artistic license^)!!!! So, naturally, being the just and wise king he is, he asked one of his many subjects why there was an unsightly piece of grayish blobbing mass on the pores of his nose.

Oh, kind, just and wise king, may you live for ten thousand and one years^^ the man began(It was a few hours before he finished reciting the many titles), "The people of Rojung West are famished because of your great, benevolent taxes-"

"-voluntary donations!!" a person in black, one of the king's many, non-secretive, purely civilian police snapped.

"Sorry I misspoke, oh supreme king. They are starving because of the 130% of income voluntary donations imposed on them. Therefore, some could only afford to chew gum. Without the Sanitation Bill you so wisely vetoed, we could only deposit our used garbage in the nearby place, and as the only surface area not already filled to the chest in garbage and corpses, one of the youngsters, well..." The man trailed off.

The king went back to his palace, deep in thought. He took many hours before he came to a conclusion. Finally, he painstakingly wrote a few words on his gold plated toiletries^^^ and asked his Grand Vizier to come in. The Grand Vizier looked at the Royal Proclamation and sighed.

G.V. :Are you sure about this?It might-

W.K.J.King:Yes, certainly.

G.V. :But the economic potential lost, not to mention the complaints of the rich-

W.K.J. King:Am I the king or are you??!!!! If we can't make enough money from the taxes, just scrap the 107th sculpture!!!! DO IT!!NOW

G.V.:Yes, be-

W.K.J.King:Are you still there?

G.V.:No, sir.

And so, chewing gum was banned.

Justice

One day, the king held audience in his chambers. A man(let's just call him thief), who somehow managed to appear scruffy despite being in a rich fur coat and several diamond- and ruby- necklaces came to the king and groveled, careful not to do so in the same carpet as His Majesty.

"Ole Kind Wise and.......," he said, "As you have already in your omniscience known, I have been most grievously and treacherously wounded in the course of my profession. I was just doing my job, trying to break in a climb through a window and entering a house to appropriate the goods, when the window ledge most dastardly broke, causing me to lose my balance and break my back, never able to work again. Please, sir, punish the b@stard who owned the house."

"That's Outrageous!" The king said. "he dares to do that in my kingdom?? Not a chance!!"

So he summoned the house-owner, whom we should call House-owner, to him. House-owner, thinking fast, blamed the builder. So, naturally, he summoned the builder.

The man we would call Builder almost lost his life before he recalled the events on that day, so long ago. "Your....", he said," The building of that ledge would have been correct, but while I was hammering, I saw a beautiful young lady in a scarlet dress, and I lost my train of thought, thus propelling me to miss and hit my hand, causing me to crash and fell off the ladder."

It took some time before the king's NCPP(Non-secretive, Civilian, Purely-innocent, Police) found the woman. By that time, the king was in a fury. "How dare you appear beautiful and wear a sc, scar, sc-...urggghhh, red dress, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???

The woman, a very intelligent lady, quickly said, "Sir, my looks are a result of god. My dress is because of my tailor. Clearly, neither is my fault."

The Wise, Kind and Just king mulled over this and finally said, "I could only think of one solution."

"What?" everybody asked in trepidation.

"Penalizing god." he said calmly. From now onwards, anyone worshipping god would be sent to prison or executed.

It took a couple of convincing arguments from priests, a lot of dead bodies, the king's internal battle (and minor help from a couple of conveniently placed lightning strikes) to make the king change his mind.

So he went on the other lead, and summoned the tailor, a tall, thin, man, who we should ca-

Reader:Let me guess?Tailor.

Writer:No, his name is Timothy. What made you think of a stupid name like tailor??Geez.

The king, red-faced with anger, proclaimed, " how dare you make a red dress, causing the lady to put it on, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???!!!"

Timothy was at a loss for words. Who heard of making it a crime to make a red dress? Besides, since when are burglars so insistent on their rights?

"Ah, silent, aren't you??" the king said wisely, justly, and kindly nasty. "Guilt overriding your conscience?No excuses? Well, well, well. GUARDS!!", he said, raising his voice, "To the gallows with this man!!"

After a while, a masked man in black and holding a axe came back, apologetic and red-faced(at least in the parts that are not masked). "Sir, sorry, the tailor is too tall. He can't fit in the gallows."

"Then find another shorter tailor to hang. Duh! Must I think of everything?"

The tall tailor and everybody else was let free, and a short, somewhat unlucky tailor was ushered in. Needless to say, he fit, and his head was later cut off and displayed on the bridge, a fitting warning for any future evil-doers.

And so, Justice was done.

*And often accompanied with the phrase, "a selfish, idiotic, pain in the arse, and I definetely didn't say that.

**he was wise and kind enough to invent a new word

***The holiday was the 16th anniversary of the fifth day after his first royal proclaimation, to be exact.

****The king believed in bringing beauty to the city. He also believed himself to be the most handsome man alive. Might as well apply both

^Besides different colored eyes, facial shape, lack of zits, hairstyle, poses, and proportion of limbs and torso, the statue is exactly proportionate to the king, on a 50:1 scale

^^The king heard that chinese emperors have their subjects wishing them to live ten thousand years. The W.K.J. king take it as a personal affront.

^^^Some rich people merely have gold-plated toilet seats. The king have gold-plated toilet paper as well.

Weeding out the Morons-Part 3

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  Okay, let's analyze another of my posts. Since my Going Back to the US posts are the most popular, I'll analyze and explain another of them.

Note: Numbers with asterisks are the ones that I'll explain later 

So, anyway, I took a 12 hourflight to Detroit. Man, this is getting ridiculous. Call me spoiled, but is it that much to want an entertainment system instead of 12-hours of doing nothing(1)???Huh? To be fair to Northsouthern Airlines, they had a Projector TV(2). Which shouldn't have been that lousy, but there's a catch. They really don't have interesting shows(3). Who want to spend all their time watching a show called Starstruck?? A really bored teenager blogger who calls himself Leonardo with nothing better to do, that's who(5).

Anyway, when I finally got off the plane, I felt like I was in heaven(6). Then, we had to go through the checkpoint, which was kinda*censor*, erm...unexpected. (7)Imagine a clean, tech, effecient, friendly checkpoint that barely have any lines. Yeah, that's what I did, imagine it(8), because the reality isn't like that. Quite the opposite in effect. 

When I saw the size of the line(quenue), I was ready to give the country up to radicals like Obama(9*) and Yuanmashita(0:Old joke). After 20 minutes in the line with no visible progress, I was ready to join them(10). By the time I got through a third of the line, I was screaming at them to @#$%^ hurry up(11*). Anyway, it was ---- tiring standing in the line. That and I have the world's worst case of jet lag. So I must have drifted off(don't ask me how I managed to do so standing up)(12), because the next thing I know, I was near the front of the line. In the big electronic billboard on top of the checkpoint, I saw the following words:"radicals led by the disgrunted general, Yuanmashita, has launched a major strike against the checkpoint. Flee!(13*)

I smiled to myself. No more standing in line! Of course, I had to pay Yuanmashita an arm and leg for the service(14), but it was worth it. I smiled in anticipation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only catch is that I looked slightly ungainly without an arm or leg.(15) Arrggghhh. Wait, an arm or leg??What happened to my other arm?(16)For that matter, what happened to my other leg? (17)For that matter, why can't I see my torso? (18)While we're at it, why can't I see amnything????? (19)And why do I feel as if my shoulder's shaking while I can't see anything?
------------------------------
"Wake Up!"somebody shook me awake. I opened my eyes. I was in front of the border official. I checked my watch. It was four hours after we landed. I was going to say something witty before the border checkpoint official interrupted.

"give me one reason why you would not be involved in a school shooting."(20*)he said

Uh-oh. Here we go again....

Final Note: Tomorrow, I will write a humorous story, the type that should be in a textbook and noted as a dictionary defination of irony, and you could try to spot the jokes

*We have yet to receive a single phone call in complaint

9. Please, don't sue me. It's only a joke.^

11. A common mis-conception is that I'm screaming at the  checkpoint officials to hurry up. Actually, I was referring to the terrorists. 

13. The obvious irony of disgruntled generals attacking a border checkpoint.

20. Refers way back, to one of my earliest posts.

^Avid reader: Why would anybody sue you?

Me:Y'know, these religious politicians, they get upset about these things. 

Avid reader:He'll probably just take it as a joke.

Me:No, he won't. He's got a big temper, y'know. 

Avid read:No, he don't. Besides, I thought you are a fan of that guy. You said that yourself. 

Me: Of course not. He killed thousands of people

A.R.:Hussein?Are you sure

Me:No, I wasn't talking about him, but, yeah, him too.

A.R.:Are you sure Barrack Hussein Obama did all these thing?

Me:What, him?No, I was worried that Osama bin Ladin would sue.

A.R.:Oh. 

Weeding out the Morons(cont.)

Okay, to cont, my Weeding out the Morons post, I'll choose a few of the subtler jokes. Feel free to check if you get it.

For instance, did you get the footnote two posts ago?

-*So maybe I'll never be Stephen King. Big deal. -

Think about it.

Now, the expected thing for me to write in the footnote is jokes about.... affection, but that's, well, expected. Instead, I the joke was that I'll never write a horror story*

  Now, here's a test to see how many of my jokes you could get.  I'll use Re-entering the US 

as an example.  I copied the posts below and put a numbered each joke(number is inserted after the jokes). Obviously, I'll forget 1 or 2, either because I honestly don't know, it was only a half-joke, or it was so common, the joke's hardly worth mentioning. And of course, not all of the jokes listed will be funny to everyone. In fact, if you even get half of them(and liked more than 10 percent of those you get), I'll be more than satisfied. 

Okay, so after an extremely extended visit in China, I'm flying back to the U.S. Which should have been pretty cool, but it isn't. Really. For starters, my plane ticket isn't a straight flight. It's from Beijing to Tokyo to Detroit to Washington D.C. For enders, our trip coincided with an international terrorist alert(1). In other words, not the most efficient flight(s) I've been in(2). Really.

In Beijing, we were called for a random security check. Four men in full-black suits searched our suitcases for an exhausting 11 minutes and 17 seconds(Yes. I timed it.)(3) One of them seems particularly interested in my DVDs (conveniently bought at some place called "Li's Black Market")(4). I could just guess what he was thinking. I mentally steeled myself for the questionnaire by going through what he may say in advance.

Guy(holding up a DVD):What's that?(5)
Me:It's a DVD

Guy:Our policy does not allow this type of C-(6)

Just then, another black suited guy came up and had a whispered conference with the first one. From what I could hear, it seems a heated debate.(7)
Guy:Like I said, Our policy does not allow this type of C(8)-*discreet coughing from the other guy*, I mean DVDs.

Me:What type?

Him:Harmful, dangerous material(9).
Me:How is that dangerous?It's Tom&Jerry(10), for god's sake.

Him:Religion Alert(11)!!!
Me:Oops. So what?
Him:Your passport says that you're a freethinker. Never mention God's name if you are not a believer. It shows disrespect to him.
Me:I object! God doesn't exist! Besides, you're supposed to be impartial
Him:Oh, re-
(A lightning bolt hit a tree only two feet away from the nearest window)(12)
Me:O....k. I hereby withdraw my objection.(13)

Him:Good. Now, back to the main point: Your CD clearly contains dangerous materials(14).
Me:How so?
Him:Let's see...intense violence(15), disrespect for figures of authority(16), events going against the order of nature(17), the small triumphing over the strong(18), possibility of bird flu through un-licensed, stray, illegal dogs(19*), a made-in-china sign over a defective mouse trap(20) ...the list just goes on and on.
Me:It's just a cartoon
Him: So what? Anyway, your CD-
Other Guy:whispers something angrily in chinese.

They had a heated discussion in private. I decided to use the time to make myself scarce.

(Hear concludes Part 1. The highlights of Part 2 includes overpriced water in Tokyo and Customs+Security check in Detroit. Keep tuned!)

*To tell you the truth, I never get why anyone would like Stephen King. His plots are so predictable,  a mouse could chew through the front cover and poop out the epilogue. 

Weeding out the Morons

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  One of the interesting things about my blog is that it's dedicated to preserving intelligence. For some quite obvious reasons, there has yet to be any idiots reading my blog and actually liking it. Of course, there are exceptions, but these are so rare, they could be counted on the fingers of a blind assassin's* hand. A far more likely scenario would that of some said idiot reading my blog and not understanding a word of it(or extremely "big" words like negotiate**, for that matter). Of course, there are certain smart people who read my blog and don't even think it's mildly funny, but their sense of humor would be generally proportionate to their chances of getting dates.*** 

  If I had plans on dominating the world(not that I'm Yuanmashita or anything. I'm speaking purely hypothetically), the first test of whether they would be allowed to continue  their existence would be for them to read my blog and ask them to explain the jokes. Seems like a very important evolutionary trait to me. So if you're reading my blog, consider yourself lucky. Not only are you smart and funny, you're also be permitted to live and breed. 

  Congratulations.

 

*An admirable trait, not to mention proof of a full implementation of the Americans with Disabilities Act in the organized crime syndicates 

**Really, somebody I know said just that.

***Unless you count Donald Trump. But hey, that guy's so rich and famous, he could be impressing women from beyond the grave. Just saying.