Holy CRAP!!(Part 2)

Note: Once again, this post is about CRAP, and has nothing to do with HOLINESS, quite unlike http://blogofanerd.blogspot.com/2008/11/holy-crappart-2.html

Note 2: this continues the previous post, Holy CRAP! Please read that post before you read this one.

Then I begun the process all over again. I think it was maybe an hour before I finished. Woo-hoo!!Then I did a series of effects during the 20-second gap between "Woo-hoo!" and "then", I don't feel like posting for the sake of the reader's sanity.  Then, I washed my hands. Then, with casual ease, as if I was during nothing out of the ordinary, I clicked the trigger for termination. And my machine responded. Slowly, but surely, a whirlpool gathered, and my creations got vacuumed in, joining the fate of many of their brethren before, and surely many more to come. 

Alas!! That was the wish, but these persistent cruds gathered at Al Qaeda(That's 'The Base' in Arabic) to form a rebellion against my infidelity and mechanical tyranny. I tried again. And they still rebelled. And I tried again, and there wasn't even much universal solvent flowing. I realized that I have to wait half a minute for the machine to recharge. So I did, thinking philosophical thoughts while doing so. After the half a minute, I pushed again, with the righteous indignation of the dominant species upon the planet. And yet again, the cruds resisted. 

I think I did the cycle 3 more times(which sounds like a lot. But always remember, 3 is a far smaller number than 4) before I realized I need a fresh approach to eliminating my creations. So I thought about it and dumped 20 milliliters of my magic, green, liquid(ok, fine , hand washing soap) into the cauldron. 

And this time, when I tried the elimination technic, it worked. The rebels all entered their afterlife in  the sewage arena, giving one last gurgle before they do so. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

*long pause*

After a long pause, I felt really kinda guilty, considering that I just killed my own creations, and that perhaps the world is big enough for all of us. But whatever the case, I finished my duty, and that's the best a man could hope for.

And you should be grateful that I'm not a twitterer, otherwise I would have written a lot of words on a totally meaningless part of my life. 

Holy CRAP!

"Cleanliness is next to godliness"-Jesus, playing a joke on a gullible, but dirty, hermit. 

Note: As you may have already guessed from the caps lock on 'crap' rather than 'holy', this post has very little to do with godliness and just about everything to do with cleanliness(or more accurately, the lack thereof).

Note2:Please do not take offense if this post offends your sensibilities. If you do not enjoy jokes about constipation, you're highly advised to read something more suitable to your sensibilities. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Note3:This is my attempt at twittering. Since I've never(to the best of my knowledge) made a post that twitters before, I sincerely apologize if the twittering isn't as twitterish as the high-class twittering you're usually receive from other blogs. 

Note4:If you're a professional twitterer, please do not take offense at my amateurish style. As usual, it is supposed to be funny. 

Note5: Once again, do not be mad at me if it disgusts you

Note 6:As usual, this is based on a true story.

I woke up and went to the bathroom. Since I'm not a twitterer, I will not go into the details of my miserable dream, nor that I was chased by a giant spaghetti monster 17 feet long, nor how I landed into a pizza trap filled with hundreds of cheap Dominoes pizza. Which is a lot worse than it sounds, since I'm lactose intolerant(well, not in real life. But in the dream I was). Nor will I tell you the agony and futility of trying to resist the call of nature, nor how hard it was for me to get off of my bed(I was trapped in the sheets), nor the sheer complexity of finding my glasses(they were in the counter next to my bed, nor will I speak of the excruciating slowness of waiting and waiting and waiting for my stepmom to get out the F-ing bathroom(17.0000003 solid minutes of sheer torture). 

Nope, since I'm not a twitterer, I will not mention a word of those. Zero, zip,  zilch, nothing. 

So, when I finally got into the bathroom, I  realized that there are many idiots in this world, chief among them whoever last used up the roll of toilet paper. So like a righteous angel of cleanliness(which, as you remember, is next to godliness), storming the barbarian hordes of dirt(which, by direct inference, is next to Satan), I marched to the closet. 

With holy might behind me, I opened the door with all my strength, almost ripping the door in the process. 

I stepped in the closet.

I stood on my tiptoe. 

I reached my hand out. 

I took out what I wanted. 

I ripped out the plastic. 

Ah-hah! The Holy Grail!(or more accurately, a new roll of toilet paper).

I walked back. 

I put the toilet paper on the rolling metal rack thingy-mingy. 

I resumed typing normally. 

At any rate, I attempted to pass motion, sat on the toilet seat, and opened the lid(not necessarily in that order). I pushed. And pushed. And pushed even more. And pushed. And pushed. And pushed yet again. Don't ask me how long I did it, but it was definitely a long time. A very long time. By the 63rd push, I felt like one of those women on Health Ed. class' 21-inch TV pushing for a baby . By the hundred and seventh, I was ready to ask for Caesarian Section. I think it was the 207th(you should be glad this is not a twittering post, otherwise I'll go into push-by-push detailed analysis) before I felt the blissful relief of crapping something out. Lovely.

(to be continued) 

HOLY crap!(Part 2)

Anyway, the second post in this series tells of a guy whose objections are even more ridiculous than the first. Let's just call him Cody Mary Chang(obviously not his real name. It's the most generic name with his initials that I could think of from the top of my head. You could check out our full conversation in the tag-board(click 'older messages')

*cmc*: whoever blasphemes against God will be guilty of eternal sin

*cmc*: do not blaspheme against God

*cmc*: and Pardus i can own you

leonardo: I don't play pardus anymore:P

leonardo: And I'm pretty sure I got the "eternal sin" ticket years ago...

leonardo: and cmc, what exactly do you mean by blasphemying?

leonardo: I know that god isn't real, but if all atheists, by default, go to hell, then wouldn't anything I do no longer has meaning?

leonardo: I mean, if I'm gonna be blasted to the devilic eternal sin, then might I as well enjoy every minute of my life? And if my greatest enjoyment comes in shattering norms, like making cracks against leonardo: politicians and religious figures and the like, then who are you to judge? *cmc*: blaspheming means speaking ill of God. God says that one would have eternal sin if he spoke against God. *cmc*: Titanic is one example, the engineer said "even God cannot sink it" but yet, well you know Titanic story right? zf: I think that that was because the engineer was too arrogant and wat he said was just a casual remark as a figure of speech. I don't think he intended to insult anyone leonardo: cmc->Maybe I'll lose, maybe I'll win. Name the server and time, and I'll see if I can't be there. Now, back to the main point:Do you honestly think that there exists a god that is so impossibly petty? leonardo: I mean, that's akin to a child getting whipped for saying that his dad could not kill JFK, or Bush sentencing Obama to Guatenemo Bay, or worse, Santa Claus giving poisonous toys to anyone who say he d leonardo: does not exist zf: Personally, I should think not....hmm did not someone with the surname of chang said that god loves everyone? zf: that was my opinion on a petty god *cmc*: God has both a kind side and a wrathful side. *cmc*: If we do not incur his wrath by sinning, then that would be fine. *cmc*: Jesus said that whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will be guilty of eternal sin...

zf: once again you are contradicting yourself *cmc*: God got his kind and wrathful side. *cmc*: What he wants to do with us, no one can stop him, so zf even if you aren't happy with him, you will be when you experience his love for you leonardo...: Cmc-You just inspired me to create a dog bashing post leonardo...: congratulations

So, anyway, here it is. Not the dog(inversed) bashing post yet, but I'll get there, don't worry. I'm glad that zf backed me up, and I gotta say, mr. superuberchristianazielite is slightly arrogant. But that's just me. Feel free to comment if you disagree(I wanna see if my replies spark as much controversy as the original. Enjoy!

HOLY crap!(Part 1)

subtitle: The Half-angles controversy post. 

Note: Please note that in the title, I put HOLY in caps. Thus, this post has just about nothing to do with excrement, and just about everything to do with holiness. 

You know, I seriously did not anticipate all the controversy that mine Half-Angels post created. I mean, seriously. I would have expected my politics post to create a lot of controversy, or my international power post, or my anti-horrormoviephiles post, or even maybe, just maybe, my continuos assertion that I am the rightful master of the universe might spark the slightest disagreement. But no, those posts, which I (almost) intentionally created to spark controversy were left out of the critics radar, and instead, I received a ton of complaints about my totally random Half-Angels post, which is mediocre at best, twittering at worst. 

Anyway, I have received quite a few complaints. I'll just show you two of them. 

Seli(not his real name): So, I took a chance and read two posts again. Maybe I'll read it when you know more, but for now while reading the first post the one thought running through my head was "He's never heard of the nephilim, has he? That really renders the entirety of the post rather moot." Here you go:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nephilim
Short version: they just go and have sex and the resulting offspring are giants. God disapproves.

Me: I'm perfectly aware what Nephilim is since that's the exact words my friend used for his game. Just ask him*rolls eyes* Besides, my blog is hardly intended for serious discussion. I understand and appreciate that you think my blog s*cks, and will try to take that into consideration next time I post. Thank you very much for your comment. 

Seli:Oh, I'm aware that it's supposed to be non-serious and comical, it's just a lot less amusing to speculate and complain about how angels could mate with humans without acknowledging that one of the most original sources on the matter already gives an answer. It's a lot like if I were to write "A school for wizards? How ridiculous! Surely such a place would just blow itself up or something, but let's consider how it might work if it didn't." And then completely neglected to mention HP (or Sparrowhawk, for that matter). It would be a lot less funny as any readers who are aware those books exist exist would be all "so, are you going to mention they exist and mention their answers?"

OK, pardon my extraordinary optimism, but don't you think that a reader who gets the cultural reference is actually gonna be more, rather than less, amused than someone who doesn't? I mean, I imagine that my 'timing a joke' post would be hardly as amusing to people who don't get the Wheel of Time reference(or Nazi hand movements, for that matter). 

(to be continued) 

Timing a Joke

As the vast majority of you no doubt already know, the most important part of telling a joke is timing. Well, that, and humor. For instance, chances are, interns at Comedy Central may very well probably get a punchline far faster than, say, rednecks in Arkansas. And most of time, wrong timing should probably be blamed on the comedian. After all, the intelligence of his audience(or more commonly, the lack thereof, is almost always his respective responsibility to predict. However, occasionally, I sometimes tend to have suspicions that the audience may well be slightly responsible. Case in point:

I was trying to tell my friend a joke. Not a very funny or creative one, but hey. I don't exactly have very high hopes of his getting those.

“What's the difference between a Nazi and a gay person?” I asked

“No idea. What?”

Me: “45 degrees. Get it?

Him: “Nope”.

Me: “Ok, hold your arm out straight in front of you at exactly shoulder height. Now, imagine that you are the rightful ruler of the world, and of the supreme race. Move your hand higher, so that your fingers are pointing skyward. Got it? Good. Now lower your fingers, like, really girly, and imagine you're gay.” I waved my own hands for extra emphasis. “Now do you get it?”

Him: “Not really. Just gimme a few more mi-

The Wheel of Time turns and Ages come and pass, leaving behind memories that became legend. Legends fade to myth, and myth to stories, until even those stories are long forgotten when the Age that gives it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Information Age by some, a butterfly gently flapped its wings, causing a minor disturbance in the air which became a slight breeze. The breeze wasn't the beginning, there are neither beginnings nor endings in the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.

The breeze blew forth east across the Greenland plains, gaining surprising momentum as it hurries past, becoming a wind as it blew through the huts and houses on the coast, chilling the people gathered around the hearths. It blew across the icy oceans and onto England, where it blew people's hats and clothes on the clothline, making a general nuisance of itself. It blew across the British Parliament, throughout all of London, then South across the English Channel, into Paris, the wind stirring emotions as lovers gaze at an ugly tower, it flew straight south across, to Rome and then Vatican City, where priests gather around and the Pope, and while snoring, listened to his speeches about the importance of returning to traditional values and marriage between a man and his slave.

It blew South and East, across the ancient lands of Greece, across the country of the over-sized chicken, across, Syrian terrorists and Afghanistani drug dealers, Iranian nukes and Iraqi contractors, then across the Himalayas, where it had a pretty rough time traveling, across the Tibetan monks, who were kindly re-educated by wise Chinese teachers with food, books, computers, and AK-47s. It flew to Beijing, where people cursed the smog and thanked the wind, across the Yellow Sea, becoming a storm, to Pyongyong, where it caused raining frogs which the grateful peoples thanked Kim Jong II for causing great rain and meat on their tables, to yet another sea, by which the storm died down, becoming a wind once more, into the Tokyo districts, where the populace worked a mere 12 hours a day.

It then slowly but surely crawled across the Pacific, into California, where illegal immigrants partied at their Promised Land, throughout Las Vegas, where the breeze gave relief to those people apparantly enjoying themselves at 120 degrees of sheer heat, then sped past the plains into Arizona, where 90 professionals failed to explain to John McCain the many and intricate complexities of starting a computer. It blew even faster and headed slightly northwards, straight into the heart of DC, where Bush chatted amicably with Obama, then heading about ten miles off to a school, where the greatest and proudest moment of our time happened-

My friend: “Oh, I get the joke now. The angles of the hands! Hahahaha!!!Good one!”

The timing was impeccable.

Half-angels

Random thought of the day: Have you noticed that people often use holy(Jesus Christ!! Goddamn it!!Holy shit!, etc), unholy terms(It's cold as hell in here! By the Nine Hells, etc.) or sex-related ones(do I really need to give an example?) when they swear? That is so cliché and biased against atheists. From now onwards, I'll try my best to swear with either earthly, cyberspace, or scientific terms.


Note: This post(like many of mine) is based on part philosophy, part humor so if you're a)a dingbat or b)literal minded, don't bother. There isn't any politics, dialogue or action either, so yeah...

A friend of mine is working on a computer game. Which, for obvious reasons, I could not go into details here. At any rate, his game has many races, including humans, elves, half-elves, half-dwarves, half orcs and half-angels.




Which raises the obvious question. Well, obvious from my perspective, anyway. I mean, it doesn't take too much imagination(when you consider the mentality of the average human male) to think of half-elves, half-dwarves or even half orcs, but how the spam is it possible to get half angels[ref:see below]???



Most people agree that angels are superior beings from a higher plane of existence, so it follows suit that there aren't many angels in the first place. In addition, keep in mind that the high ones generally transcend gender, which raises a lot of awkward points.


So how do you get a half angel? Well, here are some random theories that I'll just dish out.



Theory 1: The obvious one


OK, random higher being comes to our plane, knocks up a hot virgin, nine months later, a baby mysteriously pops out. While I totally hate this theory because of its sheer lack of creativity(Earth knows that even a redneck in Texas could think that up), if you believe in the mythology, it already happened at least one(Jesus, anyone?), so yeah, it bears some consideration.



Theory 2: The time-space continuum break


This theory is slightly complicated, but it involves a gap between the parallel planes of Heaven and Earth, a power outrage, a totally idiotic UN Secretary General at 2550, a plumber trying to repair sewage problems in a wormhole, and the world's unluckiest angel. Use your imagination*


Theory 3: NDS ascension


NDS (Near Death Syndrome) occurs when a person is just at the brink of death, and is pulled in both directions. At one end, the medical guys got there in time and managed to rescue a person, at the other, his 0r her soul not only saw the light, but managed to go threw it. So at one end, he or she is a fully ascended angel, at the other, really burnt, pissed off and heavily in pain, but nonetheless, still fully mortal. By which, we get a half-angel, albeit a really annoyed one.


Theory 4: Descension


OK, this concept is near the direct opposite of theory 3. Every single mythology has a story about a Deity of some sort or another who gets punished by going to Earth. Which is pretty expected, I guess, losing your immortality status because you committed some horrendous crime, like falling in love with a human, killing a enemy or 2, committed a major act of thief, almost caused a dark hole that would swallow the universe, or eating an apple.

But what happens when the ruler of the plane is chickenhearted??Then, in that case, he wouldn't punish by fulling mortalizing you, he'll just make you a halfhuman. So you're kinda punished, but you're still superior to all the creatures made of mud and stuff, so you aren't too unhappy.


Theory 5: TTT(The Typo Theory)

Maybe, just maybe, the entire concept of halfangels was originally started just because somebody had too much time on their hands or made a typo when writing.

This theory is so preposterous and idiotic I would not even comment on it.






Sources:

The Holy Bible

Copyright: God, Creative Commons Licence. Granted:Dawn of Time

Edited:Several hundred gay monks

Last-minute Election Post

Note: Obviously, it wasn't posted the last minute before the election. Actually, that was the original intention. However, it soon became apparent that the average voter isn't exactly very intelligent. I'll probably never forgive myself if somebody actually take my blog seriously and changed his mind one way or another...

Quotes: "You can fool all the people some of the time and you can fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time."- A popular quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln. 

Note 2: Lincoln never said that. 

As anybody who isn't a blonde airhead living in an imaginary sweet sixteen partydom in an imaginary  world called MTV knows, we're gonna have the elections tomorrow. And elections have a tendency to back-fire. So here I will post, as is my sworn duty, to educate the american people so that they will make intelligent, informed, decisions on how to vote in the best possible way to serve both their own individual interests and the collective American interest as a nation.....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

 

Oops. Sorry, couldn't resist.  At any rate, here's my take on the following candidates: 

Obama bin Ladin, I mean, Osama bin Ladin, I mean, Osama Biden, I mean, Barack Hussein Obama, I mean, hey, I actually got it right this time!!w00t!

OK, he's the presidential hopeful and the most likely victor. He's also practically a black horse(no racist puns intended) and has a middle name remarkably similar to a guy executed a coupla years ago...  I mean, seriously, you could talk about the finer points of politics and complete and utter change all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that unless you change your name, it sound so much like a terrorist who want to completely and utterly change the American people as well!!! Yeah, I know, all the "change" words are confusing. And that's another thing I have to nitpick with Obama: if I have change every time barrack(I mean Barack) says change, I'll be the world's richest billionaire, not to mention to world's greatest net exporter of nickel and zinc... 

Unfunny jokes aside, there's really not much you know about this guy. While experience isn't so important in this job as other far more experience-qualified jobs(like stonemasonery and prostitution), you gotta understand that a single term in the Senate honestly doesn't qualify you to be president. Of course, Barrack's strategem is "Judgement over Experience" and I fully respect that. After all, it's the idiots who are experienced at doing crappy stuff that got the country into the mess in the first place. And face it, experience at doing crap doesn't make you go to the bathroom less. 

Quite the opposite in effect. 

That said, quite a few of Obama's plans are doomed to disaster. For instance, his health care is practically a recipe for disaster. Not only is it extraordinarily expensive and bound to contain expensive loopholes that insurance companies and hospitals are certain to exploit, the very principle is unsound. You are effectively and essentially removing an incentive to stay healthy. In addition, his plan for taxing rich people prob. wouldn't work. The rich stayed rich not by giving money to every thief who calls himself IRS but by not getting taxed. Obama said he's gonna revamp the tax code. I sure as heck hope that he means revamp for the better, cause if the alternative holds true and he gets elected, it's a scary world out there.... 

McCain(no puns there, unless you go back to the times of Abel and Cain, which is just about a few years before McCain's time) 

Obama is only maybe 7 percentage points ahead of McCain, which, according to McCain's supporters, mean that McCain practically already won. All you have to do is vote for him!!

So who is McCain??

Well, McCain is just your average 72-year old plain Joe.  He led a pretty boring life(his mom was a stay-at-home one and his dad was merely a humble 4-star admiral). He was a vet in some wars, and just like the humble average guy, was merely a escaped PoW who resisted extreme torture. Afterwards, he led a pretty boring life as a 22-year senator and a maverick, constantly walking up, down and across the aisle because he has nothing better to do. Oh, and he married a hot woman 20 years younger than him who is also a millionaire, just like the humble man he is. 

I know this might sounds like bias and age-discrimination but McCain's just a tad old. Have you watched the Lord of the Rings?You know the little guy, the really important one, who destroyed the One Ring in the end? Yeah, what's with all the keen experiences in the White House, that's what McCain's gonna look like in 4 years if he gets elected.

No, not Frodo. The Gollum, only balder and with a lousier fashion sense. And if that isn't enough, he picked Palin!!!Palin, I tell ya!! She's the governor of Alaska!!! I mean, I'll be cool if McCain's job is managing reindeer and she's his backup in case he died, but I honestly doubt she has the ability to manage far dumber animals, as she would if McCain met with the guy in black that he managed to avoid the last few decades. 

Nope, not James Bond. Sorry, ladies. At any rate, McCain isn't that bad 4 years ago(I remember both Bush and Kerry quoted him in their speeches), but senility seems to settle in and McCain is getting more and more republican, and thus out of touch with the non-SuperChristian world, which is kinda sad. 

In conclusion, both candidates suck, so rather than picking the lesser of two evils, don't vote. I'm not a citizen so I can't vote anyway...

At least, not directly. 

Note:Obama won. No surprises there... 

My Halloween Story-Part 1

RTotD (Random Thought of the Day): Have you noticed how when two girls stare at each other, you automatically assume that they're angry with each other, but when two guys do the same, the automatic assumption is that they're gay??I mean, seriously, WTF???This is so genderist. I mean,as much as I love the '70s hippie phrase, this is seriously taking it overboard... 

People say I'm the world's greatest writer. OK, fine, they didn't actually say that. I am, nonetheless, a good writer. OK, fine, nobody actually said that either. However, I do compare favorably to contemporary classical writers. Fine, fine, the exact words were:"Dude, your story sucks, but at least it doesn't suck as much as the story we had to do for English."

My own ego aside, I mentioned before that I never understood the point of horror story. And that is true. So, naturally a friend made a bet that I couldn't write a horror story. Fortunately, I love a challenge: So here goes nothing:

Spoiler Alert:Story is not actually very horrifying. 

It was a Halloween night. The type with all the cliche stuff: full moon, which was scary, lots of scary clouds, wolves howling in the distance, which was scary, scary-looking trees rustling scarily and really scary music in the background, which was scary. A scary scene, indeed. 

Anyway, I was walking home from the grocery store with my best friend, a black guy, a airhead girl and a moron(y'know, standardized cast) when we saw an old lady in black with a broomstick beckoning us to help us cross the street. Needless to say, we did the only logical, 21st century thingy. We ignored her. We were some way apart from her when suddenly a loud, hag-like voice declared:

"A curse be upon thy that shalt naught helpth me cross thy yonder street. Three and more should death embrace you, thrice and more should thy not escape unscathed. And if one of thou doth live, then thou shalt live a miserable life, ever-guilty, blaming thyself for thy allies' death" 

Just as we looked back, there was an explosion of green smoke and the old lady was gone. Weird. 

"What did she say," the black guy asked.

"No clue, think she said something about us swearing" the airhead said, chewing gum and tossing her hair over.

I rolled my eyes. "Look at the clues, guys. Old lady? Black dressing? Broomstick? explosion? Green smoke? Hag-like voice? Ring any bells?" 

Apparently not. 

Trying to keep patient, I said, my voice grim, "This can only mean one thing"

"What?" everybody screamed in unison

"That lady janitors are far more retro than I've thought."

To be continued 

Halloween

Note: So maybe the title isn't too original. Blame it on the genes. 

OK, 'tis time of the year again where people celebrate Satan's birthday by wearing lousy costumes, asking for treats, and going to totally awesome parties. Which, mysteriously enough, I did not participate in. *pauses* Could be that I didn't get an invitation, but hey. Anyway, back to the main point. 

I never understand horror movies and books and stuff. I mean, the point of the average movie is that you're supposed to identify with the main character and somehow pretend, for the two or three hours of the movie, that you're like him/her. And of all the different movie types, horror is the only type I could not see myself in. (OK, fine, I can't imagine myself being an action hero either(very minor problem of weak muscles). And yeah, I guess can't really see myself as a savior of the universe either. Of course people will laugh if I try to be a star in a romance movie. And no, I'm just not too cut-out to be a drama-type. If there's a mystery involved, my first instinct will probably be to arrest the most obvious criminal(the practice of which would be very useful for real detectives, but has the suspense level of the average fall from a 3-step stair)

*pauses*

As a matter of fact, the only type of scenario in which I would actually act like the protagonist is in a comedy movie...and that's only if I don't try to be funny. I  guess that means I really don't have a life...

*pauses again* But that's really F%^&ing beside the point. The point is that while it is apparently easy(for most people, at least), to pretend to be, say, James Bond, horror presents a totally different scenario. Ignoring all the people who don't matter, there would be only two real possible options for a guy to empathize with. 

The Killer and the Victim.

I'm just gonna guess, for the sake of common sense here, that nobody wanna be the victim 'cause not a lot of people enjoy getting their heart ripped out, slowly morphing into a rat, or having their blood splatter spectacularly on the screen in full high definition 3D, complete with creepy music and totally realistic sound effects. 

So the only choice left is the Killer. Which is just a little bit scary, since there would be 3 or 4 million moviegoers who constantly enjoy the sadistic effects of their hooks grappling the poor guy, their knives ripping out a girls' heart, their teeth sucking out blood, their slime oozing and killing and eating. Creepy.

And you know what's the worst part? These horrormoviephiles(as I like to call them), are totally, completely anonymous. You never know where they'll strike. 

So you could be at a grocery store, standing in line while a weird dude's in front of you. You could be thinking "Goddamn it, he's staring at me!I hope he's not gay...". And he'll be thinking: "That guy has a weird look to him. I'll so enjoy sacrificing his heart to the Aztec gods."

Which is why I hate horror movies.

PS. Who said that you can't get paranoid without pot? 

Drugs and the US

Ads- Sonix's Supersurgery(SSS) Inc. Are you dumb?Worried about your low IQ?Hopelessly cheated off by chain mails all the time? Never understand what your smart girlfriend's talking about half the time!!Well, here's some facts that will help you clear up your case!!!

Fact:The average myopic is 7 IQ points smarter than the national average.
Fact:The average person with glasses gets 150+ more on the SAT than the average American
Fact:In the average college classroom, seating arrangements is always determined by the smartest person with glasses or contacts in there.
Fact:people with glasses are far less likely to be cheated by spam than people without 'em.


Now, for only 25K, you, yes, you could now be a myopic(for people who don't know, that's fancy talk for near-sighted) and all the attendant bonuses!!! So what are you waiting for?? Get laser-eye surgery now!!!/ Ads


Personally, I have a serious problem with America and its attendant welfare system. It seems stupid to me. I mean, here's literally the American government's take on opium

factor 1:The US only has enough resources to either ban the production of opium or the consumption of opium.
factor 2: Opium creates billions of dollars in revenue and is a major cash crop.
factor 3: Opium and attendant drugs are exceedingly dangerous, especially to people dumb enough to take drugs in the first place.
factor 4: The US's main competitor for major opium plantations is Afghanistan
factor 5:Opium and related drug lords have direct affiliations with Al Qaeda.


So what does the glorious and oh-so-smart government do??? Ban the production of opium, of course. So now, here's the new scenario.

1. Lots of Americans wants opium and related drugs.
2. The USA is in a costly war against Afganistan, which seems well-funded for some mysterious reason.
3. Even more strangely, people seems to have access to drugs even though they're rarely grown/ lab coated drugs
4. For some odd reason, the free, taxpayer-funded, million-dollar rehab clinics with spas, swimming pools, and 50 inch LCD TVs does not seem to dissuade people from doing drugs. Weird.

Oh, the intelligence.


Personally, I think legalizing drugs is the way to go. The way I figure it, nobody's gonna to stop doing drugs with all the pity statutes we currently have, so let them figure it out by themselves. I mean, they're not gonna quit until they wake up and their entire body's covered with their own pus. you know. In addition, don't forget the not-so-minor point of all the cash that could remain in the States.


Better yet, let natural selection take it's course and let people without any self-control do what they have to do already. If they wanna die and clear up the gene pool, the way I figure it, be my guest.:P

Trust me, this will solve a lot of problems. Not only will it save a lot of government funds and Afgan soldiers, it will make the average human smarter!!Plus, it will solve the sub-prime mortgage crisis as people who have the general legalities for being able to loan(ie, alive) would actually put money in their house and not drugs.



Everybody wins.




And that's why I should be the unconditional and absolute dominator of the universe.

Volunteer Job

Hey, right now I'm posting this from my Volunteer Job at the Huajiadi South Program for Kids With Slow Wits(Really, it's called that. And you wonder why they need me to work as a translator). Anyway, they have some nice computers, and since the foreigner reporters hadn't come yet(They would come sometime between now and sep. 30th. It's a surprise!), I have nothing to do but blog and chat. Oh, and work, but I'm hoping it's a joke.


Anyway, once I get from my creativity slump, I'll post a lot. Enjoy!!!

Chinaboy

Hey, I'm in China right now. And I honestly can't think of anything to write. Even though the ban on blogger has been lifted. So if you could think of anything that could serve as inspiration, please mail me. or reply to the tagboard.

Middle of The Road

Note 1:I'm in charge of Eternalduel's E-Paper now. Please create an account if you wanna be a columnist. YES!!!

Note 2: We are approaching the 100th post!!!So mail me or reply on the tagboard for ideas of the celebrations!!!Woo-hoo!!

Note 3:So list what type of posts you want (Philosophy, satire, test/quizzes, more Chuananity, more Utopia, W.K.J. King, etc) 

Note 4:Yes, I really need a life. How in the world did you guess??

  An interesting thing about me is that I often look at things from a different angle. For instance, take this scenario. Suppose you're walking back home from an unfamiliar place and you have to take a small, narrow, windy, road, twisting and curving. There's no sidewalk, and only two lanes in opposite directions, separated by double yellow lines. Cars flash past in both directions

at high speeds and stuff, infrequently and in both directions. What would you have done?

  The majority of people would be bored after the first sentence and went to another website already. A slightly smaller percentage will ask "Who cares?" If they're partially serious, they(you) might say something extremely intelligent like "walk on the side of the road" or "just hope for the best." Some cowards, when actually in the scenerio, will take another road or ask for a lift.

 I wouldn't

  What I would(did) do is simple. I walked on the yellow lines. My theory is that most drivers obey the traffic laws and keep to the sides, besides, there's always the risk of crashing into another car going the opposite direction, so they wouldn't dare, thus insuring my safety. 

 So far, it worked.

So what's my point? Simple. Don't blame me(or anyone else, for that matter) for thinking of an alternative solution to a problem.  Instead, applaud them. And whatever you do, never, ever, ever, chase them out with sticks and then preach to your whole audience that the genius who helped you is a servant of the devil. 

That's what I told the local pastor. Seriously, why should he get mad?? I was just trying to help his church turnout. I mean, what's the difference between flyers celebrating the birth of Christ or the afterlife and a flyer labeling Vatican controversies? Really weird guy.

That's why I hate being a genius. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

(Today) July 11th is my birthday. If I had one birthday wish, I'll wish for immortality. Or world peace. Might as well aim high. 

Weeding out the Morons-Final

Note:I felt guilty for not posting much lately, so I made this post extra, extra-long. Also, I'm starting to experiment with different colors and fonts, just for fun. If it gives you eyesore, just mail me and I'll stop. The last thing I want to do is to have a 'blog' like the attention seekers in Myspace or Facebook, who hide behind glitter, pictures, and wacko font, presumable to conceal the fact that their actual posts are bullcr@p.

Ok, now, for the most interesting part of the series, I will tell a story. You might be wondering why the style is somewhat unfamiliar. That's because it is actually based (very loosely) on a childhood story(in chinese), however, I cranked the irony and sarcasm up a few notches. In fact, it could be said to be the textbook example of satire. So without further ado, let's begin. (puts on storytelling voice)

The Just King.

Once upon a time, in an islandish citiesh kingdom far, far, away, there was a king. He was often said to be a wise, just and kind king*. In fact, he consider himself to be the wisest, justest** and kindest king in the world.

He was so just, wise and kind that he has audience with his subjects on a frequent basis. Indeed, he treats his subjects as equals. Here are just a few of the many times he showed justice, kindness and wisdom:

The Hideous Menace

On one of the few times (being such a great king, he's often busy) he has holidays***, the king decided to take a walk in the streets to experience the common life of the city-dwellers. Of course, his people, very properly, showed some slight respect by following the 5 Ls, as he walked by namely, lowering their eyes, lowering their tone of voice slightly,a Little amount of respectable smiles and of course, Lowering their bodies and kissing the ground and laying the red carpet.

As he was walking by, he noticed an extremely unsightly scene. There was a taint to the national monument****(His statue, somewhat larger than life and created with a slight amount of artistic license^)!!!! So, naturally, being the just and wise king he is, he asked one of his many subjects why there was an unsightly piece of grayish blobbing mass on the pores of his nose.

Oh, kind, just and wise king, may you live for ten thousand and one years^^ the man began(It was a few hours before he finished reciting the many titles), "The people of Rojung West are famished because of your great, benevolent taxes-"

"-voluntary donations!!" a person in black, one of the king's many, non-secretive, purely civilian police snapped.

"Sorry I misspoke, oh supreme king. They are starving because of the 130% of income voluntary donations imposed on them. Therefore, some could only afford to chew gum. Without the Sanitation Bill you so wisely vetoed, we could only deposit our used garbage in the nearby place, and as the only surface area not already filled to the chest in garbage and corpses, one of the youngsters, well..." The man trailed off.

The king went back to his palace, deep in thought. He took many hours before he came to a conclusion. Finally, he painstakingly wrote a few words on his gold plated toiletries^^^ and asked his Grand Vizier to come in. The Grand Vizier looked at the Royal Proclamation and sighed.

G.V. :Are you sure about this?It might-

W.K.J.King:Yes, certainly.

G.V. :But the economic potential lost, not to mention the complaints of the rich-

W.K.J. King:Am I the king or are you??!!!! If we can't make enough money from the taxes, just scrap the 107th sculpture!!!! DO IT!!NOW

G.V.:Yes, be-

W.K.J.King:Are you still there?

G.V.:No, sir.

And so, chewing gum was banned.

Justice

One day, the king held audience in his chambers. A man(let's just call him thief), who somehow managed to appear scruffy despite being in a rich fur coat and several diamond- and ruby- necklaces came to the king and groveled, careful not to do so in the same carpet as His Majesty.

"Ole Kind Wise and.......," he said, "As you have already in your omniscience known, I have been most grievously and treacherously wounded in the course of my profession. I was just doing my job, trying to break in a climb through a window and entering a house to appropriate the goods, when the window ledge most dastardly broke, causing me to lose my balance and break my back, never able to work again. Please, sir, punish the b@stard who owned the house."

"That's Outrageous!" The king said. "he dares to do that in my kingdom?? Not a chance!!"

So he summoned the house-owner, whom we should call House-owner, to him. House-owner, thinking fast, blamed the builder. So, naturally, he summoned the builder.

The man we would call Builder almost lost his life before he recalled the events on that day, so long ago. "Your....", he said," The building of that ledge would have been correct, but while I was hammering, I saw a beautiful young lady in a scarlet dress, and I lost my train of thought, thus propelling me to miss and hit my hand, causing me to crash and fell off the ladder."

It took some time before the king's NCPP(Non-secretive, Civilian, Purely-innocent, Police) found the woman. By that time, the king was in a fury. "How dare you appear beautiful and wear a sc, scar, sc-...urggghhh, red dress, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???

The woman, a very intelligent lady, quickly said, "Sir, my looks are a result of god. My dress is because of my tailor. Clearly, neither is my fault."

The Wise, Kind and Just king mulled over this and finally said, "I could only think of one solution."

"What?" everybody asked in trepidation.

"Penalizing god." he said calmly. From now onwards, anyone worshipping god would be sent to prison or executed.

It took a couple of convincing arguments from priests, a lot of dead bodies, the king's internal battle (and minor help from a couple of conveniently placed lightning strikes) to make the king change his mind.

So he went on the other lead, and summoned the tailor, a tall, thin, man, who we should ca-

Reader:Let me guess?Tailor.

Writer:No, his name is Timothy. What made you think of a stupid name like tailor??Geez.

The king, red-faced with anger, proclaimed, " how dare you make a red dress, causing the lady to put it on, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???!!!"

Timothy was at a loss for words. Who heard of making it a crime to make a red dress? Besides, since when are burglars so insistent on their rights?

"Ah, silent, aren't you??" the king said wisely, justly, and kindly nasty. "Guilt overriding your conscience?No excuses? Well, well, well. GUARDS!!", he said, raising his voice, "To the gallows with this man!!"

After a while, a masked man in black and holding a axe came back, apologetic and red-faced(at least in the parts that are not masked). "Sir, sorry, the tailor is too tall. He can't fit in the gallows."

"Then find another shorter tailor to hang. Duh! Must I think of everything?"

The tall tailor and everybody else was let free, and a short, somewhat unlucky tailor was ushered in. Needless to say, he fit, and his head was later cut off and displayed on the bridge, a fitting warning for any future evil-doers.

And so, Justice was done.

*And often accompanied with the phrase, "a selfish, idiotic, pain in the arse, and I definetely didn't say that.

**he was wise and kind enough to invent a new word

***The holiday was the 16th anniversary of the fifth day after his first royal proclaimation, to be exact.

****The king believed in bringing beauty to the city. He also believed himself to be the most handsome man alive. Might as well apply both

^Besides different colored eyes, facial shape, lack of zits, hairstyle, poses, and proportion of limbs and torso, the statue is exactly proportionate to the king, on a 50:1 scale

^^The king heard that chinese emperors have their subjects wishing them to live ten thousand years. The W.K.J. king take it as a personal affront.

^^^Some rich people merely have gold-plated toilet seats. The king have gold-plated toilet paper as well.

Weeding out the Morons-Part 3

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  Pre-note: Check out this game: http://www.heroeswm.com/?rid=28735

  Okay, let's analyze another of my posts. Since my Going Back to the US posts are the most popular, I'll analyze and explain another of them.

Note: Numbers with asterisks are the ones that I'll explain later 

So, anyway, I took a 12 hourflight to Detroit. Man, this is getting ridiculous. Call me spoiled, but is it that much to want an entertainment system instead of 12-hours of doing nothing(1)???Huh? To be fair to Northsouthern Airlines, they had a Projector TV(2). Which shouldn't have been that lousy, but there's a catch. They really don't have interesting shows(3). Who want to spend all their time watching a show called Starstruck?? A really bored teenager blogger who calls himself Leonardo with nothing better to do, that's who(5).

Anyway, when I finally got off the plane, I felt like I was in heaven(6). Then, we had to go through the checkpoint, which was kinda*censor*, erm...unexpected. (7)Imagine a clean, tech, effecient, friendly checkpoint that barely have any lines. Yeah, that's what I did, imagine it(8), because the reality isn't like that. Quite the opposite in effect. 

When I saw the size of the line(quenue), I was ready to give the country up to radicals like Obama(9*) and Yuanmashita(0:Old joke). After 20 minutes in the line with no visible progress, I was ready to join them(10). By the time I got through a third of the line, I was screaming at them to @#$%^ hurry up(11*). Anyway, it was ---- tiring standing in the line. That and I have the world's worst case of jet lag. So I must have drifted off(don't ask me how I managed to do so standing up)(12), because the next thing I know, I was near the front of the line. In the big electronic billboard on top of the checkpoint, I saw the following words:"radicals led by the disgrunted general, Yuanmashita, has launched a major strike against the checkpoint. Flee!(13*)

I smiled to myself. No more standing in line! Of course, I had to pay Yuanmashita an arm and leg for the service(14), but it was worth it. I smiled in anticipation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only catch is that I looked slightly ungainly without an arm or leg.(15) Arrggghhh. Wait, an arm or leg??What happened to my other arm?(16)For that matter, what happened to my other leg? (17)For that matter, why can't I see my torso? (18)While we're at it, why can't I see amnything????? (19)And why do I feel as if my shoulder's shaking while I can't see anything?
------------------------------
"Wake Up!"somebody shook me awake. I opened my eyes. I was in front of the border official. I checked my watch. It was four hours after we landed. I was going to say something witty before the border checkpoint official interrupted.

"give me one reason why you would not be involved in a school shooting."(20*)he said

Uh-oh. Here we go again....

Final Note: Tomorrow, I will write a humorous story, the type that should be in a textbook and noted as a dictionary defination of irony, and you could try to spot the jokes

*We have yet to receive a single phone call in complaint

9. Please, don't sue me. It's only a joke.^

11. A common mis-conception is that I'm screaming at the  checkpoint officials to hurry up. Actually, I was referring to the terrorists. 

13. The obvious irony of disgruntled generals attacking a border checkpoint.

20. Refers way back, to one of my earliest posts.

^Avid reader: Why would anybody sue you?

Me:Y'know, these religious politicians, they get upset about these things. 

Avid reader:He'll probably just take it as a joke.

Me:No, he won't. He's got a big temper, y'know. 

Avid read:No, he don't. Besides, I thought you are a fan of that guy. You said that yourself. 

Me: Of course not. He killed thousands of people

A.R.:Hussein?Are you sure

Me:No, I wasn't talking about him, but, yeah, him too.

A.R.:Are you sure Barrack Hussein Obama did all these thing?

Me:What, him?No, I was worried that Osama bin Ladin would sue.

A.R.:Oh. 

Weeding out the Morons(cont.)

Okay, to cont, my Weeding out the Morons post, I'll choose a few of the subtler jokes. Feel free to check if you get it.

For instance, did you get the footnote two posts ago?

-*So maybe I'll never be Stephen King. Big deal. -

Think about it.

Now, the expected thing for me to write in the footnote is jokes about.... affection, but that's, well, expected. Instead, I the joke was that I'll never write a horror story*

  Now, here's a test to see how many of my jokes you could get.  I'll use Re-entering the US 

as an example.  I copied the posts below and put a numbered each joke(number is inserted after the jokes). Obviously, I'll forget 1 or 2, either because I honestly don't know, it was only a half-joke, or it was so common, the joke's hardly worth mentioning. And of course, not all of the jokes listed will be funny to everyone. In fact, if you even get half of them(and liked more than 10 percent of those you get), I'll be more than satisfied. 

Okay, so after an extremely extended visit in China, I'm flying back to the U.S. Which should have been pretty cool, but it isn't. Really. For starters, my plane ticket isn't a straight flight. It's from Beijing to Tokyo to Detroit to Washington D.C. For enders, our trip coincided with an international terrorist alert(1). In other words, not the most efficient flight(s) I've been in(2). Really.

In Beijing, we were called for a random security check. Four men in full-black suits searched our suitcases for an exhausting 11 minutes and 17 seconds(Yes. I timed it.)(3) One of them seems particularly interested in my DVDs (conveniently bought at some place called "Li's Black Market")(4). I could just guess what he was thinking. I mentally steeled myself for the questionnaire by going through what he may say in advance.

Guy(holding up a DVD):What's that?(5)
Me:It's a DVD

Guy:Our policy does not allow this type of C-(6)

Just then, another black suited guy came up and had a whispered conference with the first one. From what I could hear, it seems a heated debate.(7)
Guy:Like I said, Our policy does not allow this type of C(8)-*discreet coughing from the other guy*, I mean DVDs.

Me:What type?

Him:Harmful, dangerous material(9).
Me:How is that dangerous?It's Tom&Jerry(10), for god's sake.

Him:Religion Alert(11)!!!
Me:Oops. So what?
Him:Your passport says that you're a freethinker. Never mention God's name if you are not a believer. It shows disrespect to him.
Me:I object! God doesn't exist! Besides, you're supposed to be impartial
Him:Oh, re-
(A lightning bolt hit a tree only two feet away from the nearest window)(12)
Me:O....k. I hereby withdraw my objection.(13)

Him:Good. Now, back to the main point: Your CD clearly contains dangerous materials(14).
Me:How so?
Him:Let's see...intense violence(15), disrespect for figures of authority(16), events going against the order of nature(17), the small triumphing over the strong(18), possibility of bird flu through un-licensed, stray, illegal dogs(19*), a made-in-china sign over a defective mouse trap(20) ...the list just goes on and on.
Me:It's just a cartoon
Him: So what? Anyway, your CD-
Other Guy:whispers something angrily in chinese.

They had a heated discussion in private. I decided to use the time to make myself scarce.

(Hear concludes Part 1. The highlights of Part 2 includes overpriced water in Tokyo and Customs+Security check in Detroit. Keep tuned!)

*To tell you the truth, I never get why anyone would like Stephen King. His plots are so predictable,  a mouse could chew through the front cover and poop out the epilogue.