Holy CRAP!!(Part 2)

Note: Once again, this post is about CRAP, and has nothing to do with HOLINESS, quite unlike http://blogofanerd.blogspot.com/2008/11/holy-crappart-2.html

Note 2: this continues the previous post, Holy CRAP! Please read that post before you read this one.

Then I begun the process all over again. I think it was maybe an hour before I finished. Woo-hoo!!Then I did a series of effects during the 20-second gap between "Woo-hoo!" and "then", I don't feel like posting for the sake of the reader's sanity.  Then, I washed my hands. Then, with casual ease, as if I was during nothing out of the ordinary, I clicked the trigger for termination. And my machine responded. Slowly, but surely, a whirlpool gathered, and my creations got vacuumed in, joining the fate of many of their brethren before, and surely many more to come. 

Alas!! That was the wish, but these persistent cruds gathered at Al Qaeda(That's 'The Base' in Arabic) to form a rebellion against my infidelity and mechanical tyranny. I tried again. And they still rebelled. And I tried again, and there wasn't even much universal solvent flowing. I realized that I have to wait half a minute for the machine to recharge. So I did, thinking philosophical thoughts while doing so. After the half a minute, I pushed again, with the righteous indignation of the dominant species upon the planet. And yet again, the cruds resisted. 

I think I did the cycle 3 more times(which sounds like a lot. But always remember, 3 is a far smaller number than 4) before I realized I need a fresh approach to eliminating my creations. So I thought about it and dumped 20 milliliters of my magic, green, liquid(ok, fine , hand washing soap) into the cauldron. 

And this time, when I tried the elimination technic, it worked. The rebels all entered their afterlife in  the sewage arena, giving one last gurgle before they do so. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

*long pause*

After a long pause, I felt really kinda guilty, considering that I just killed my own creations, and that perhaps the world is big enough for all of us. But whatever the case, I finished my duty, and that's the best a man could hope for.

And you should be grateful that I'm not a twitterer, otherwise I would have written a lot of words on a totally meaningless part of my life. 

Holy CRAP!

"Cleanliness is next to godliness"-Jesus, playing a joke on a gullible, but dirty, hermit. 

Note: As you may have already guessed from the caps lock on 'crap' rather than 'holy', this post has very little to do with godliness and just about everything to do with cleanliness(or more accurately, the lack thereof).

Note2:Please do not take offense if this post offends your sensibilities. If you do not enjoy jokes about constipation, you're highly advised to read something more suitable to your sensibilities. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Note3:This is my attempt at twittering. Since I've never(to the best of my knowledge) made a post that twitters before, I sincerely apologize if the twittering isn't as twitterish as the high-class twittering you're usually receive from other blogs. 

Note4:If you're a professional twitterer, please do not take offense at my amateurish style. As usual, it is supposed to be funny. 

Note5: Once again, do not be mad at me if it disgusts you

Note 6:As usual, this is based on a true story.

I woke up and went to the bathroom. Since I'm not a twitterer, I will not go into the details of my miserable dream, nor that I was chased by a giant spaghetti monster 17 feet long, nor how I landed into a pizza trap filled with hundreds of cheap Dominoes pizza. Which is a lot worse than it sounds, since I'm lactose intolerant(well, not in real life. But in the dream I was). Nor will I tell you the agony and futility of trying to resist the call of nature, nor how hard it was for me to get off of my bed(I was trapped in the sheets), nor the sheer complexity of finding my glasses(they were in the counter next to my bed, nor will I speak of the excruciating slowness of waiting and waiting and waiting for my stepmom to get out the F-ing bathroom(17.0000003 solid minutes of sheer torture). 

Nope, since I'm not a twitterer, I will not mention a word of those. Zero, zip,  zilch, nothing. 

So, when I finally got into the bathroom, I  realized that there are many idiots in this world, chief among them whoever last used up the roll of toilet paper. So like a righteous angel of cleanliness(which, as you remember, is next to godliness), storming the barbarian hordes of dirt(which, by direct inference, is next to Satan), I marched to the closet. 

With holy might behind me, I opened the door with all my strength, almost ripping the door in the process. 

I stepped in the closet.

I stood on my tiptoe. 

I reached my hand out. 

I took out what I wanted. 

I ripped out the plastic. 

Ah-hah! The Holy Grail!(or more accurately, a new roll of toilet paper).

I walked back. 

I put the toilet paper on the rolling metal rack thingy-mingy. 

I resumed typing normally. 

At any rate, I attempted to pass motion, sat on the toilet seat, and opened the lid(not necessarily in that order). I pushed. And pushed. And pushed even more. And pushed. And pushed. And pushed yet again. Don't ask me how long I did it, but it was definitely a long time. A very long time. By the 63rd push, I felt like one of those women on Health Ed. class' 21-inch TV pushing for a baby . By the hundred and seventh, I was ready to ask for Caesarian Section. I think it was the 207th(you should be glad this is not a twittering post, otherwise I'll go into push-by-push detailed analysis) before I felt the blissful relief of crapping something out. Lovely.

(to be continued) 

HOLY crap!(Part 2)

Anyway, the second post in this series tells of a guy whose objections are even more ridiculous than the first. Let's just call him Cody Mary Chang(obviously not his real name. It's the most generic name with his initials that I could think of from the top of my head. You could check out our full conversation in the tag-board(click 'older messages')

*cmc*: whoever blasphemes against God will be guilty of eternal sin

*cmc*: do not blaspheme against God

*cmc*: and Pardus i can own you

leonardo: I don't play pardus anymore:P

leonardo: And I'm pretty sure I got the "eternal sin" ticket years ago...

leonardo: and cmc, what exactly do you mean by blasphemying?

leonardo: I know that god isn't real, but if all atheists, by default, go to hell, then wouldn't anything I do no longer has meaning?

leonardo: I mean, if I'm gonna be blasted to the devilic eternal sin, then might I as well enjoy every minute of my life? And if my greatest enjoyment comes in shattering norms, like making cracks against leonardo: politicians and religious figures and the like, then who are you to judge? *cmc*: blaspheming means speaking ill of God. God says that one would have eternal sin if he spoke against God. *cmc*: Titanic is one example, the engineer said "even God cannot sink it" but yet, well you know Titanic story right? zf: I think that that was because the engineer was too arrogant and wat he said was just a casual remark as a figure of speech. I don't think he intended to insult anyone leonardo: cmc->Maybe I'll lose, maybe I'll win. Name the server and time, and I'll see if I can't be there. Now, back to the main point:Do you honestly think that there exists a god that is so impossibly petty? leonardo: I mean, that's akin to a child getting whipped for saying that his dad could not kill JFK, or Bush sentencing Obama to Guatenemo Bay, or worse, Santa Claus giving poisonous toys to anyone who say he d leonardo: does not exist zf: Personally, I should think not....hmm did not someone with the surname of chang said that god loves everyone? zf: that was my opinion on a petty god *cmc*: God has both a kind side and a wrathful side. *cmc*: If we do not incur his wrath by sinning, then that would be fine. *cmc*: Jesus said that whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will be guilty of eternal sin...

zf: once again you are contradicting yourself *cmc*: God got his kind and wrathful side. *cmc*: What he wants to do with us, no one can stop him, so zf even if you aren't happy with him, you will be when you experience his love for you leonardo...: Cmc-You just inspired me to create a dog bashing post leonardo...: congratulations

So, anyway, here it is. Not the dog(inversed) bashing post yet, but I'll get there, don't worry. I'm glad that zf backed me up, and I gotta say, mr. superuberchristianazielite is slightly arrogant. But that's just me. Feel free to comment if you disagree(I wanna see if my replies spark as much controversy as the original. Enjoy!

HOLY crap!(Part 1)

subtitle: The Half-angles controversy post. 

Note: Please note that in the title, I put HOLY in caps. Thus, this post has just about nothing to do with excrement, and just about everything to do with holiness. 

You know, I seriously did not anticipate all the controversy that mine Half-Angels post created. I mean, seriously. I would have expected my politics post to create a lot of controversy, or my international power post, or my anti-horrormoviephiles post, or even maybe, just maybe, my continuos assertion that I am the rightful master of the universe might spark the slightest disagreement. But no, those posts, which I (almost) intentionally created to spark controversy were left out of the critics radar, and instead, I received a ton of complaints about my totally random Half-Angels post, which is mediocre at best, twittering at worst. 

Anyway, I have received quite a few complaints. I'll just show you two of them. 

Seli(not his real name): So, I took a chance and read two posts again. Maybe I'll read it when you know more, but for now while reading the first post the one thought running through my head was "He's never heard of the nephilim, has he? That really renders the entirety of the post rather moot." Here you go:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nephilim
Short version: they just go and have sex and the resulting offspring are giants. God disapproves.

Me: I'm perfectly aware what Nephilim is since that's the exact words my friend used for his game. Just ask him*rolls eyes* Besides, my blog is hardly intended for serious discussion. I understand and appreciate that you think my blog s*cks, and will try to take that into consideration next time I post. Thank you very much for your comment. 

Seli:Oh, I'm aware that it's supposed to be non-serious and comical, it's just a lot less amusing to speculate and complain about how angels could mate with humans without acknowledging that one of the most original sources on the matter already gives an answer. It's a lot like if I were to write "A school for wizards? How ridiculous! Surely such a place would just blow itself up or something, but let's consider how it might work if it didn't." And then completely neglected to mention HP (or Sparrowhawk, for that matter). It would be a lot less funny as any readers who are aware those books exist exist would be all "so, are you going to mention they exist and mention their answers?"

OK, pardon my extraordinary optimism, but don't you think that a reader who gets the cultural reference is actually gonna be more, rather than less, amused than someone who doesn't? I mean, I imagine that my 'timing a joke' post would be hardly as amusing to people who don't get the Wheel of Time reference(or Nazi hand movements, for that matter). 

(to be continued) 

Timing a Joke

As the vast majority of you no doubt already know, the most important part of telling a joke is timing. Well, that, and humor. For instance, chances are, interns at Comedy Central may very well probably get a punchline far faster than, say, rednecks in Arkansas. And most of time, wrong timing should probably be blamed on the comedian. After all, the intelligence of his audience(or more commonly, the lack thereof, is almost always his respective responsibility to predict. However, occasionally, I sometimes tend to have suspicions that the audience may well be slightly responsible. Case in point:

I was trying to tell my friend a joke. Not a very funny or creative one, but hey. I don't exactly have very high hopes of his getting those.

“What's the difference between a Nazi and a gay person?” I asked

“No idea. What?”

Me: “45 degrees. Get it?

Him: “Nope”.

Me: “Ok, hold your arm out straight in front of you at exactly shoulder height. Now, imagine that you are the rightful ruler of the world, and of the supreme race. Move your hand higher, so that your fingers are pointing skyward. Got it? Good. Now lower your fingers, like, really girly, and imagine you're gay.” I waved my own hands for extra emphasis. “Now do you get it?”

Him: “Not really. Just gimme a few more mi-

The Wheel of Time turns and Ages come and pass, leaving behind memories that became legend. Legends fade to myth, and myth to stories, until even those stories are long forgotten when the Age that gives it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Information Age by some, a butterfly gently flapped its wings, causing a minor disturbance in the air which became a slight breeze. The breeze wasn't the beginning, there are neither beginnings nor endings in the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.

The breeze blew forth east across the Greenland plains, gaining surprising momentum as it hurries past, becoming a wind as it blew through the huts and houses on the coast, chilling the people gathered around the hearths. It blew across the icy oceans and onto England, where it blew people's hats and clothes on the clothline, making a general nuisance of itself. It blew across the British Parliament, throughout all of London, then South across the English Channel, into Paris, the wind stirring emotions as lovers gaze at an ugly tower, it flew straight south across, to Rome and then Vatican City, where priests gather around and the Pope, and while snoring, listened to his speeches about the importance of returning to traditional values and marriage between a man and his slave.

It blew South and East, across the ancient lands of Greece, across the country of the over-sized chicken, across, Syrian terrorists and Afghanistani drug dealers, Iranian nukes and Iraqi contractors, then across the Himalayas, where it had a pretty rough time traveling, across the Tibetan monks, who were kindly re-educated by wise Chinese teachers with food, books, computers, and AK-47s. It flew to Beijing, where people cursed the smog and thanked the wind, across the Yellow Sea, becoming a storm, to Pyongyong, where it caused raining frogs which the grateful peoples thanked Kim Jong II for causing great rain and meat on their tables, to yet another sea, by which the storm died down, becoming a wind once more, into the Tokyo districts, where the populace worked a mere 12 hours a day.

It then slowly but surely crawled across the Pacific, into California, where illegal immigrants partied at their Promised Land, throughout Las Vegas, where the breeze gave relief to those people apparantly enjoying themselves at 120 degrees of sheer heat, then sped past the plains into Arizona, where 90 professionals failed to explain to John McCain the many and intricate complexities of starting a computer. It blew even faster and headed slightly northwards, straight into the heart of DC, where Bush chatted amicably with Obama, then heading about ten miles off to a school, where the greatest and proudest moment of our time happened-

My friend: “Oh, I get the joke now. The angles of the hands! Hahahaha!!!Good one!”

The timing was impeccable.

Half-angels

Random thought of the day: Have you noticed that people often use holy(Jesus Christ!! Goddamn it!!Holy shit!, etc), unholy terms(It's cold as hell in here! By the Nine Hells, etc.) or sex-related ones(do I really need to give an example?) when they swear? That is so cliché and biased against atheists. From now onwards, I'll try my best to swear with either earthly, cyberspace, or scientific terms.


Note: This post(like many of mine) is based on part philosophy, part humor so if you're a)a dingbat or b)literal minded, don't bother. There isn't any politics, dialogue or action either, so yeah...

A friend of mine is working on a computer game. Which, for obvious reasons, I could not go into details here. At any rate, his game has many races, including humans, elves, half-elves, half-dwarves, half orcs and half-angels.




Which raises the obvious question. Well, obvious from my perspective, anyway. I mean, it doesn't take too much imagination(when you consider the mentality of the average human male) to think of half-elves, half-dwarves or even half orcs, but how the spam is it possible to get half angels[ref:see below]???



Most people agree that angels are superior beings from a higher plane of existence, so it follows suit that there aren't many angels in the first place. In addition, keep in mind that the high ones generally transcend gender, which raises a lot of awkward points.


So how do you get a half angel? Well, here are some random theories that I'll just dish out.



Theory 1: The obvious one


OK, random higher being comes to our plane, knocks up a hot virgin, nine months later, a baby mysteriously pops out. While I totally hate this theory because of its sheer lack of creativity(Earth knows that even a redneck in Texas could think that up), if you believe in the mythology, it already happened at least one(Jesus, anyone?), so yeah, it bears some consideration.



Theory 2: The time-space continuum break


This theory is slightly complicated, but it involves a gap between the parallel planes of Heaven and Earth, a power outrage, a totally idiotic UN Secretary General at 2550, a plumber trying to repair sewage problems in a wormhole, and the world's unluckiest angel. Use your imagination*


Theory 3: NDS ascension


NDS (Near Death Syndrome) occurs when a person is just at the brink of death, and is pulled in both directions. At one end, the medical guys got there in time and managed to rescue a person, at the other, his 0r her soul not only saw the light, but managed to go threw it. So at one end, he or she is a fully ascended angel, at the other, really burnt, pissed off and heavily in pain, but nonetheless, still fully mortal. By which, we get a half-angel, albeit a really annoyed one.


Theory 4: Descension


OK, this concept is near the direct opposite of theory 3. Every single mythology has a story about a Deity of some sort or another who gets punished by going to Earth. Which is pretty expected, I guess, losing your immortality status because you committed some horrendous crime, like falling in love with a human, killing a enemy or 2, committed a major act of thief, almost caused a dark hole that would swallow the universe, or eating an apple.

But what happens when the ruler of the plane is chickenhearted??Then, in that case, he wouldn't punish by fulling mortalizing you, he'll just make you a halfhuman. So you're kinda punished, but you're still superior to all the creatures made of mud and stuff, so you aren't too unhappy.


Theory 5: TTT(The Typo Theory)

Maybe, just maybe, the entire concept of halfangels was originally started just because somebody had too much time on their hands or made a typo when writing.

This theory is so preposterous and idiotic I would not even comment on it.






Sources:

The Holy Bible

Copyright: God, Creative Commons Licence. Granted:Dawn of Time

Edited:Several hundred gay monks

Last-minute Election Post

Note: Obviously, it wasn't posted the last minute before the election. Actually, that was the original intention. However, it soon became apparent that the average voter isn't exactly very intelligent. I'll probably never forgive myself if somebody actually take my blog seriously and changed his mind one way or another...

Quotes: "You can fool all the people some of the time and you can fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time."- A popular quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln. 

Note 2: Lincoln never said that. 

As anybody who isn't a blonde airhead living in an imaginary sweet sixteen partydom in an imaginary  world called MTV knows, we're gonna have the elections tomorrow. And elections have a tendency to back-fire. So here I will post, as is my sworn duty, to educate the american people so that they will make intelligent, informed, decisions on how to vote in the best possible way to serve both their own individual interests and the collective American interest as a nation.....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

 

Oops. Sorry, couldn't resist.  At any rate, here's my take on the following candidates: 

Obama bin Ladin, I mean, Osama bin Ladin, I mean, Osama Biden, I mean, Barack Hussein Obama, I mean, hey, I actually got it right this time!!w00t!

OK, he's the presidential hopeful and the most likely victor. He's also practically a black horse(no racist puns intended) and has a middle name remarkably similar to a guy executed a coupla years ago...  I mean, seriously, you could talk about the finer points of politics and complete and utter change all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that unless you change your name, it sound so much like a terrorist who want to completely and utterly change the American people as well!!! Yeah, I know, all the "change" words are confusing. And that's another thing I have to nitpick with Obama: if I have change every time barrack(I mean Barack) says change, I'll be the world's richest billionaire, not to mention to world's greatest net exporter of nickel and zinc... 

Unfunny jokes aside, there's really not much you know about this guy. While experience isn't so important in this job as other far more experience-qualified jobs(like stonemasonery and prostitution), you gotta understand that a single term in the Senate honestly doesn't qualify you to be president. Of course, Barrack's strategem is "Judgement over Experience" and I fully respect that. After all, it's the idiots who are experienced at doing crappy stuff that got the country into the mess in the first place. And face it, experience at doing crap doesn't make you go to the bathroom less. 

Quite the opposite in effect. 

That said, quite a few of Obama's plans are doomed to disaster. For instance, his health care is practically a recipe for disaster. Not only is it extraordinarily expensive and bound to contain expensive loopholes that insurance companies and hospitals are certain to exploit, the very principle is unsound. You are effectively and essentially removing an incentive to stay healthy. In addition, his plan for taxing rich people prob. wouldn't work. The rich stayed rich not by giving money to every thief who calls himself IRS but by not getting taxed. Obama said he's gonna revamp the tax code. I sure as heck hope that he means revamp for the better, cause if the alternative holds true and he gets elected, it's a scary world out there.... 

McCain(no puns there, unless you go back to the times of Abel and Cain, which is just about a few years before McCain's time) 

Obama is only maybe 7 percentage points ahead of McCain, which, according to McCain's supporters, mean that McCain practically already won. All you have to do is vote for him!!

So who is McCain??

Well, McCain is just your average 72-year old plain Joe.  He led a pretty boring life(his mom was a stay-at-home one and his dad was merely a humble 4-star admiral). He was a vet in some wars, and just like the humble average guy, was merely a escaped PoW who resisted extreme torture. Afterwards, he led a pretty boring life as a 22-year senator and a maverick, constantly walking up, down and across the aisle because he has nothing better to do. Oh, and he married a hot woman 20 years younger than him who is also a millionaire, just like the humble man he is. 

I know this might sounds like bias and age-discrimination but McCain's just a tad old. Have you watched the Lord of the Rings?You know the little guy, the really important one, who destroyed the One Ring in the end? Yeah, what's with all the keen experiences in the White House, that's what McCain's gonna look like in 4 years if he gets elected.

No, not Frodo. The Gollum, only balder and with a lousier fashion sense. And if that isn't enough, he picked Palin!!!Palin, I tell ya!! She's the governor of Alaska!!! I mean, I'll be cool if McCain's job is managing reindeer and she's his backup in case he died, but I honestly doubt she has the ability to manage far dumber animals, as she would if McCain met with the guy in black that he managed to avoid the last few decades. 

Nope, not James Bond. Sorry, ladies. At any rate, McCain isn't that bad 4 years ago(I remember both Bush and Kerry quoted him in their speeches), but senility seems to settle in and McCain is getting more and more republican, and thus out of touch with the non-SuperChristian world, which is kinda sad. 

In conclusion, both candidates suck, so rather than picking the lesser of two evils, don't vote. I'm not a citizen so I can't vote anyway...

At least, not directly. 

Note:Obama won. No surprises there... 

My Halloween Story-Part 1

RTotD (Random Thought of the Day): Have you noticed how when two girls stare at each other, you automatically assume that they're angry with each other, but when two guys do the same, the automatic assumption is that they're gay??I mean, seriously, WTF???This is so genderist. I mean,as much as I love the '70s hippie phrase, this is seriously taking it overboard... 

People say I'm the world's greatest writer. OK, fine, they didn't actually say that. I am, nonetheless, a good writer. OK, fine, nobody actually said that either. However, I do compare favorably to contemporary classical writers. Fine, fine, the exact words were:"Dude, your story sucks, but at least it doesn't suck as much as the story we had to do for English."

My own ego aside, I mentioned before that I never understood the point of horror story. And that is true. So, naturally a friend made a bet that I couldn't write a horror story. Fortunately, I love a challenge: So here goes nothing:

Spoiler Alert:Story is not actually very horrifying. 

It was a Halloween night. The type with all the cliche stuff: full moon, which was scary, lots of scary clouds, wolves howling in the distance, which was scary, scary-looking trees rustling scarily and really scary music in the background, which was scary. A scary scene, indeed. 

Anyway, I was walking home from the grocery store with my best friend, a black guy, a airhead girl and a moron(y'know, standardized cast) when we saw an old lady in black with a broomstick beckoning us to help us cross the street. Needless to say, we did the only logical, 21st century thingy. We ignored her. We were some way apart from her when suddenly a loud, hag-like voice declared:

"A curse be upon thy that shalt naught helpth me cross thy yonder street. Three and more should death embrace you, thrice and more should thy not escape unscathed. And if one of thou doth live, then thou shalt live a miserable life, ever-guilty, blaming thyself for thy allies' death" 

Just as we looked back, there was an explosion of green smoke and the old lady was gone. Weird. 

"What did she say," the black guy asked.

"No clue, think she said something about us swearing" the airhead said, chewing gum and tossing her hair over.

I rolled my eyes. "Look at the clues, guys. Old lady? Black dressing? Broomstick? explosion? Green smoke? Hag-like voice? Ring any bells?" 

Apparently not. 

Trying to keep patient, I said, my voice grim, "This can only mean one thing"

"What?" everybody screamed in unison

"That lady janitors are far more retro than I've thought."

To be continued