History-The Utopian Civil Wars

Now, class, this is the BoaN parody of a history class. Pay attention. Thanks! Don't pretend to read this post while dozing off. I'm talking to you. Yes, you!! Don't act innocent!So pay attention! Sit up straight

Anyway, as avid history students already knew, Utopia was founded in the dawn of time. At least, that's what it says on the Utopian history book. An alternative theory was once advanced that Bill Gates founded the country as a cultural test tube for computers, but no proofs have been advanced, other than the obvious.*

The first Utopian Civil War began in 1924. It was a war that was aptly known as the color wars, a complex battle fought between "Reds" and "Blues." The reason behind the war is complex and intriguing, but it basically boils down to this: The "Reds" believe that red is the best color whereas the "Blues" are naturally inclined to favor the color blue. Extremely intelligent arguments were given by both sides to support their thesis, for instance "Human blood is red. Red is the chosen color for the noble race","Since the sky is blue, god has favored his children to be blue. Duh!" and "Even a idiot knows that red's the coolest color out there. If you don't believe that, you are a even dumber idiot than a idiot." and other intelligent comments like that.

By the fall of 1940, the entire country, despite attempts to secure peace from both sides and neutrals like greens and blacks trying to save the nation, was like a metaphorical powder keg. Only one spark would be enough to set the entire country exploding. That spark was started in Dumbsville. A Red politician, Mr.Crimson and a Blue politician, Mr. Azure were just entering peace talks when, to his shock and horror, Mr. Crimson saw that Azure's socks were showing! Not only that, but they are blue! Believing that to be a deliberate insult to his affiliation, Mr.Crimson immediately reacted in what he believed to be the most appropriate way: He punched Mr.Azure. Red blood spilled out of Azure, and believing it to be a sign of heaven, Crimson led his forces into a merry way of destruction against all Blues, ransacking their homes, spray-painting everything red and destroying anything they could find.

So began the most violent war in Utopian history. Between 0 and three billion casualties(depending on who you believe) was caused by this war. Men, women and children were slaughtered mercilessly. Neutrals were often caught in the crossfire. Accusations of betrayal were common, and anyone caught using the opponents color were denounced as traitors and subsequently hanged. Indeed, within the first few months of the war, Blue generals made it mandatory for all soldiers to carry swabs of cotton so that their blood could be wiped
away to reduce the risk of friendly fire. During the later part of the war, the Reds made an unsuccessful(fortunately) nuclear mission to annihilate the ocean so "That big patch of b!ueness wouldn't have to interfere with our b!@# eyes."

The war was finally ended when both sides ran out of ink and dyes and decided to sign a peace treaty using a black pen**. The treaty now hangs in the National Monument Park(or at least it did, until it was stolen)


*Utopian language is based on binomial, a language of 0s and 1s. However, their mathematics is rather backward and their religion prohibits belief in 0s, so their language is effectively a language of 1s. A typical Utopian sentence would be the following:
1111 1 1 1 11 1 1111 1111 11 1 1111 1 1 1 1 11 11 11 1111111111111111 1 1 1 1 1 1111 111 1 1 1 1 1 11 1 11 1 11 1 111.

**That is what is said in contemporary history books. Blues still claim they won in February 30th, or F-Day, whereas Reds claim that they have eradicated the color Blue completely and that our current blue is just a pale imitation of red