The Illusion of Sanity

Stefanie Mayor’s Book found to be only 99.99% Cliché

2009-07-07T17:25:00.006-04:00

Stefanie Mayor’s Book found to be only 99.99% Cliché
Mayor apologized for typo
By Leonardo alias Dearly Departed Dr. Aco N. Lord

OAKVIEW, MARYLAND-Linguists at the American Lexicon Institute had spent weeks delving the bestselling pop werewolf romance Evening saga and have a reached a shocking conclusion. “No doubt about it,” said Dr. Sean Smithson, in a press release to ‘betrayed’ fans, “a full sentence in Stephanie Mayor’s books has been discovered to be uncliché.
Amid the uproar, Smithson, PhD of pseudo-literature, explained that yes, they are certain about this claim. When my colleague (unnamed for fear of letterbombs), have first found this, I too was at first dismissive. But after cross-referencing several hundred pop culture phenomenon and using no less than five different search engines. I have to reluctantly conclude that she is right. The Evening saga is indeed only 99.99% cliché.

The offending sentence in question, on pg.279, third sentence of Shattering Sunset, went [and the bear leaped, his ears flinting with manifest indolence], has sparked much uproar, including calls of foulplay and even requests for the ICA(International Cliché Awards) to retract Mayor’s various prizes.

When contacted, Stefanie Mayor, four-year consecutive winner of the ICA Awards, made a formal apology, saying “I truly, truly, meant [And the bear leaped, his eyes glinting with malevolent intelligence] It was an honest typographical mistake. Yes, I know that a typo is no excuse for originality, but still. I know what my readers want and am sincerely apologetic. I could only promise that this would never, ever, happen again.” The ICA committee has backed Mayor up, denying any investigation for award retraction, in a press release saying, “Yes, we understand that this is a major setback. Nonetheless, Mayor is still the greatest cliché wordsmith alive today, possibly the second greatest in history since Hay-Soos X’s “New New Testament”

Of course, a few members on the fringes of literary society do not appreciate all that Mayor had done for the community. Critically acclaimed writer, Professor Eugene Wyrme of Harvard, said “ I don’t think the cliché form is the best form of writing. What I write is truly intellectually stimulating, and I think that’s what America needs, mediums of media which challenge the intellect.” (Wyrme, who had a double doctorate in pre-13th Literature and quantum dynamics at Oxford, and whose books sold literally tens of copies worldwide, has high hopes for his newest book, Dreams of an Eleventh Dimension. Said Wyrme, “This is it. This book just might be the one to propel me into the three-digit mark.)

The opinions of Joe S. Chmoe, cliché essayist and runner-up for the 2009 International Cliché Awards Award for his cliché essay, If I had a million dollars, I’ll do stuff, sharply diverges from that of Wyrme. “Like, I think being cliché is a great thing. A great, great thing that every writer-dude should aspire to. I mean, the world’s already, like, complicated enough as it is. People watch TV or w-r-e-a-d Evening to escape, to settle in, like, comfortable ee-loo-tions. I mean, I never actually read any of Mayor’s books, but my wife, Margaret, did, and she loves them. Said they are great, Maegan (I mean Mary) did.”

“I mean, to me, writing’s, like, a part-time thing to get some extra moola after a hectic day plumbing,” said Joe, “I mean, all my friends say, that my stuffs, y’know, cliché, but Marilyn assures me I’ll never be quite a good a maestro as her(Stefanie, not my wife-person).”

So what is this maestro going to do next? According to an interview by her fan website, “FreniticEveningFans.com,” Mayor’s moving on to fairy tales. Quote: “It’s a charming little tale about an blonde anorexic princess and her steroid-poppin’ boyfriend. Her stepmom and sisters were cruel; they only allowed her five brands of lipstick and made her clean her room. I know Evening’s a kind of disappointment, cliché-wise, but such a case would not repeat.”

Said Mayor, “I guarantee that I would never say anything original again. Never”

Full Page Advertisement-Holiness Multibattle

2009-04-28T15:56:00.006-04:00

Note:If you don't get the references, check out this site: http://www.fightingfantasy.com/
More specicially, this example may help: http://www.fightingfantasygamebooks.com/ff20.htm

Holiness Multibattle: In a dangerous, deadly, near Apocolyaptic world of war, starvation, AIDS, and American Idol reruns, many, many, oh-so-many people are misled and bound for eternal death of fire and brimstone, where only one select group knows the truth, and only one person-YOU can lead them to the land of eternal salvation.

Will you be a:

Crusadian- With holy sword and a bible, Crusade against all the pagan enemies!!! Destroy all impropereity! Show them the merciful vengeance of Jehovah! And a few gas chambers wouldn't hurt too.

Must-Lame-Fight enemies of Alaaa! Destoy all those who dares to utter his name in vain! Elliminate all those who abuse themselves and others without wearing veils! Fight against infidels, airplane pilots and butchers!

Jewelism- Jewels are great, but gold is better. Amass the fortunes needed to buy back the holy land! Be stingy and miserly! Be your own(and everybody else's) banks! After all we wouldn't have Jewels without money, now would we?

Buddhist- Help universal salvation, solve the economic crisis, cure global warming by siting on a floor and watching a lotus! (you can't deny the creativity of it...)

Atheist- You aren't superstiotious and don't care about stuff like that. You are a very peaceful, nice, freedom loving guy. So tear the hell out of those idiots! Force them with propanganda and blade and guns(and flying spaghetti monsters) to desist their foolish ways! There is no god! So fight them to prove your holy righteousness: Bash their heads in with THE TRUTH of the inexistence of gods!!

This gamebook is exceedingly complicated, and require many skills, the most important of which are faith points(or Unfaith points, if you're an Atheist).

High numbers of Faith(or Unfaith) points make you confident, strong, healthy and ever-rejectal of the Enemy; he who brings pain and sorrow and nuclear bombs and waterboarding and terrorist strikes and gay marriage and Hannah Mountana and all the other precepts of other religions.

Low Faith(or Unfaith) make you suspicious, sick, unhappy and unhealthy, ever-thinking of questions like: (Is evolution real? Who created the flying sphagetti monster anyway? And why do people even watch American Idol anyway?)

When you reach zero, you become what is technically called an Un-believer(or even more technically called a traitorous piece of sh!t) unless you have an Atheist Anonymous calling card, which is not in this book .

Part Book, Part Redemption, Holiness Multibattle is a licensed part of the Righteous Religion Gamebooks in which YOU are the savior!

Holy CRAP!!(Part 2)

2008-11-30T11:48:00.004-05:00

Note: Once again, this post is about CRAP, and has nothing to do with HOLINESS, quite unlike http://blogofanerd.blogspot.com/2008/11/holy-crappart-2.html

Note 2: this continues the previous post, Holy CRAP! Please read that post before you read this one.

Then I begun the process all over again. I think it was maybe an hour before I finished. Woo-hoo!!Then I did a series of effects during the 20-second gap between "Woo-hoo!" and "then", I don't feel like posting for the sake of the reader's sanity. Then, I washed my hands. Then, with casual ease, as if I was during nothing out of the ordinary, I clicked the trigger for termination. And my machine responded. Slowly, but surely, a whirlpool gathered, and my creations got vacuumed in, joining the fate of many of their brethren before, and surely many more to come.

Alas!! That was the wish, but these persistent cruds gathered at Al Qaeda(That's 'The Base' in Arabic) to form a rebellion against my infidelity and mechanical tyranny. I tried again. And they still rebelled. And I tried again, and there wasn't even much universal solvent flowing. I realized that I have to wait half a minute for the machine to recharge. So I did, thinking philosophical thoughts while doing so. After the half a minute, I pushed again, with the righteous indignation of the dominant species upon the planet. And yet again, the cruds resisted.

I think I did the cycle 3 more times(which sounds like a lot. But always remember, 3 is a far smaller number than 4) before I realized I need a fresh approach to eliminating my creations. So I thought about it and dumped 20 milliliters of my magic, green, liquid(ok, fine , hand washing soap) into the cauldron.

And this time, when I tried the elimination technic, it worked. The rebels all entered their afterlife in the sewage arena, giving one last gurgle before they do so. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

*long pause*

After a long pause, I felt really kinda guilty, considering that I just killed my own creations, and that perhaps the world is big enough for all of us. But whatever the case, I finished my duty, and that's the best a man could hope for.

And you should be grateful that I'm not a twitterer, otherwise I would have written a lot of words on a totally meaningless part of my life.

Holy CRAP!

2008-11-26T13:50:00.005-05:00

"Cleanliness is next to godliness"-Jesus, playing a joke on a gullible, but dirty, hermit.

Note: As you may have already guessed from the caps lock on 'crap' rather than 'holy', this post has very little to do with godliness and just about everything to do with cleanliness(or more accurately, the lack thereof).

Note2:Please do not take offense if this post offends your sensibilities. If you do not enjoy jokes about constipation, you're highly advised to read something more suitable to your sensibilities. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Note3:This is my attempt at twittering. Since I've never(to the best of my knowledge) made a post that twitters before, I sincerely apologize if the twittering isn't as twitterish as the high-class twittering you're usually receive from other blogs.

Note4:If you're a professional twitterer, please do not take offense at my amateurish style. As usual, it is supposed to be funny.

Note5: Once again, do not be mad at me if it disgusts you

Note 6:As usual, this is based on a true story.

I woke up and went to the bathroom. Since I'm not a twitterer, I will not go into the details of my miserable dream, nor that I was chased by a giant spaghetti monster 17 feet long, nor how I landed into a pizza trap filled with hundreds of cheap Dominoes pizza. Which is a lot worse than it sounds, since I'm lactose intolerant(well, not in real life. But in the dream I was). Nor will I tell you the agony and futility of trying to resist the call of nature, nor how hard it was for me to get off of my bed(I was trapped in the sheets), nor the sheer complexity of finding my glasses(they were in the counter next to my bed, nor will I speak of the excruciating slowness of waiting and waiting and waiting for my stepmom to get out the F-ing bathroom(17.0000003 solid minutes of sheer torture).

Nope, since I'm not a twitterer, I will not mention a word of those. Zero, zip, zilch, nothing.

So, when I finally got into the bathroom, I realized that there are many idiots in this world, chief among them whoever last used up the roll of toilet paper. So like a righteous angel of cleanliness(which, as you remember, is next to godliness), storming the barbarian hordes of dirt(which, by direct inference, is next to Satan), I marched to the closet.

With holy might behind me, I opened the door with all my strength, almost ripping the door in the process.

I stepped in the closet.

I stood on my tiptoe.

I reached my hand out.

I took out what I wanted.

I ripped out the plastic.

Ah-hah! The Holy Grail!(or more accurately, a new roll of toilet paper).

I walked back.

I put the toilet paper on the rolling metal rack thingy-mingy.

I resumed typing normally.

At any rate, I attempted to pass motion, sat on the toilet seat, and opened the lid(not necessarily in that order). I pushed. And pushed. And pushed even more. And pushed. And pushed. And pushed yet again. Don't ask me how long I did it, but it was definitely a long time. A very long time. By the 63rd push, I felt like one of those women on Health Ed. class' 21-inch TV pushing for a baby . By the hundred and seventh, I was ready to ask for Caesarian Section. I think it was the 207th(you should be glad this is not a twittering post, otherwise I'll go into push-by-push detailed analysis) before I felt the blissful relief of crapping something out. Lovely.

(to be continued)

HOLY crap!(Part 2)

2008-11-26T13:29:00.003-05:00

Anyway, the second post in this series tells of a guy whose objections are even more ridiculous than the first. Let's just call him Cody Mary Chang(obviously not his real name. It's the most generic name with his initials that I could think of from the top of my head. You could check out our full conversation in the tag-board(click 'older messages')

*cmc*: whoever blasphemes against God will be guilty of eternal sin

*cmc*: do not blaspheme against God

*cmc*: and Pardus i can own you

leonardo: I don't play pardus anymore:P

leonardo: And I'm pretty sure I got the "eternal sin" ticket years ago...

leonardo: and cmc, what exactly do you mean by blasphemying?

leonardo: I know that god isn't real, but if all atheists, by default, go to hell, then wouldn't anything I do no longer has meaning?

leonardo: I mean, if I'm gonna be blasted to the devilic eternal sin, then might I as well enjoy every minute of my life? And if my greatest enjoyment comes in shattering norms, like making cracks against

leonardo: politicians and religious figures and the like, then who are you to judge?

*cmc*: blaspheming means speaking ill of God. God says that one would have eternal sin if he spoke against God.

*cmc*: Titanic is one example, the engineer said "even God cannot sink it" but yet, well you know Titanic story right?

zf: I think that that was because the engineer was too arrogant and wat he said was just a casual remark as a figure of speech. I don't think he intended to insult anyone

leonardo: cmc->Maybe I'll lose, maybe I'll win. Name the server and time, and I'll see if I can't be there. Now, back to the main point:Do you honestly think that there exists a god that is so impossibly petty?

leonardo: I mean, that's akin to a child getting whipped for saying that his dad could not kill JFK, or Bush sentencing Obama to Guatenemo Bay, or worse, Santa Claus giving poisonous toys to anyone who say he d

leonardo: does not exist

zf: Personally, I should think not....hmm did not someone with the surname of chang said that god loves everyone?

zf: that was my opinion on a petty god

*cmc*: God has both a kind side and a wrathful side.

*cmc*: If we do not incur his wrath by sinning, then that would be fine.

*cmc*: Jesus said that whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will be guilty of eternal sin...

zf: once again you are contradicting yourself

*cmc*: God got his kind and wrathful side.

*cmc*: What he wants to do with us, no one can stop him, so zf even if you aren't happy with him, you will be when you experience his love for you

leonardo...: Cmc-You just inspired me to create a dog bashing post

leonardo...: congratulations

So, anyway, here it is. Not the dog(inversed) bashing post yet, but I'll get there, don't worry. I'm glad that zf backed me up, and I gotta say, mr. superuberchristianazielite is slightly arrogant. But that's just me. Feel free to comment if you disagree(I wanna see if my replies spark as much controversy as the original. Enjoy!

HOLY crap!(Part 1)

2008-11-26T12:49:00.007-05:00

subtitle: The Half-angles controversy post.

Note: Please note that in the title, I put HOLY in caps. Thus, this post has just about nothing to do with excrement, and just about everything to do with holiness.

You know, I seriously did not anticipate all the controversy that mine Half-Angels post created. I mean, seriously. I would have expected my politics post to create a lot of controversy, or my international power post, or my anti-horrormoviephiles post, or even maybe, just maybe, my continuos assertion that I am the rightful master of the universe might spark the slightest disagreement. But no, those posts, which I (almost) intentionally created to spark controversy were left out of the critics radar, and instead, I received a ton of complaints about my totally random Half-Angels post, which is mediocre at best, twittering at worst.

Anyway, I have received quite a few complaints. I'll just show you two of them.

Seli(not his real name): So, I took a chance and read two posts again. Maybe I'll read it when you know more, but for now while reading the first post the one thought running through my head was "He's never heard of the nephilim, has he? That really renders the entirety of the post rather moot." Here you go:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nephilim
Short version: they just go and have sex and the resulting offspring are giants. God disapproves.

Me: I'm perfectly aware what Nephilim is since that's the exact words my friend used for his game. Just ask him*rolls eyes* Besides, my blog is hardly intended for serious discussion. I understand and appreciate that you think my blog s*cks, and will try to take that into consideration next time I post. Thank you very much for your comment.

Seli:Oh, I'm aware that it's supposed to be non-serious and comical, it's just a lot less amusing to speculate and complain about how angels could mate with humans without acknowledging that one of the most original sources on the matter already gives an answer. It's a lot like if I were to write "A school for wizards? How ridiculous! Surely such a place would just blow itself up or something, but let's consider how it might work if it didn't." And then completely neglected to mention HP (or Sparrowhawk, for that matter). It would be a lot less funny as any readers who are aware those books exist exist would be all "so, are you going to mention they exist and mention their answers?"

OK, pardon my extraordinary optimism, but don't you think that a reader who gets the cultural reference is actually gonna be more, rather than less, amused than someone who doesn't? I mean, I imagine that my 'timing a joke' post would be hardly as amusing to people who don't get the Wheel of Time reference(or Nazi hand movements, for that matter).

(to be continued)

Timing a Joke

2008-11-15T22:38:00.003-05:00

As the vast majority of you no doubt already know, the most important part of telling a joke is timing. Well, that, and humor. For instance, chances are, interns at Comedy Central may very well probably get a punchline far faster than, say, rednecks in Arkansas. And most of time, wrong timing should probably be blamed on the comedian. After all, the intelligence of his audience(or more commonly, the lack thereof, is almost always his respective responsibility to predict. However, occasionally, I sometimes tend to have suspicions that the audience may well be slightly responsible. Case in point:

I was trying to tell my friend a joke. Not a very funny or creative one, but hey. I don't exactly have very high hopes of his getting those.

“What's the difference between a Nazi and a gay person?” I asked

“No idea. What?”

Me: “45 degrees. Get it?

Him: “Nope”.

Me: “Ok, hold your arm out straight in front of you at exactly shoulder height. Now, imagine that you are the rightful ruler of the world, and of the supreme race. Move your hand higher, so that your fingers are pointing skyward. Got it? Good. Now lower your fingers, like, really girly, and imagine you're gay.” I waved my own hands for extra emphasis. “Now do you get it?”

Him: “Not really. Just gimme a few more mi-

The Wheel of Time turns and Ages come and pass, leaving behind memories that became legend. Legends fade to myth, and myth to stories, until even those stories are long forgotten when the Age that gives it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Information Age by some, a butterfly gently flapped its wings, causing a minor disturbance in the air which became a slight breeze. The breeze wasn't the beginning, there are neither beginnings nor endings in the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.

The breeze blew forth east across the Greenland plains, gaining surprising momentum as it hurries past, becoming a wind as it blew through the huts and houses on the coast, chilling the people gathered around the hearths. It blew across the icy oceans and onto England, where it blew people's hats and clothes on the clothline, making a general nuisance of itself. It blew across the British Parliament, throughout all of London, then South across the English Channel, into Paris, the wind stirring emotions as lovers gaze at an ugly tower, it flew straight south across, to Rome and then Vatican City, where priests gather around and the Pope, and while snoring, listened to his speeches about the importance of returning to traditional values and marriage between a man and his slave.

It blew South and East, across the ancient lands of Greece, across the country of the over-sized chicken, across, Syrian terrorists and Afghanistani drug dealers, Iranian nukes and Iraqi contractors, then across the Himalayas, where it had a pretty rough time traveling, across the Tibetan monks, who were kindly re-educated by wise Chinese teachers with food, books, computers, and AK-47s. It flew to Beijing, where people cursed the smog and thanked the wind, across the Yellow Sea, becoming a storm, to Pyongyong, where it caused raining frogs which the grateful peoples thanked Kim Jong II for causing great rain and meat on their tables, to yet another sea, by which the storm died down, becoming a wind once more, into the Tokyo districts, where the populace worked a mere 12 hours a day.

It then slowly but surely crawled across the Pacific, into California, where illegal immigrants partied at their Promised Land, throughout Las Vegas, where the breeze gave relief to those people apparantly enjoying themselves at 120 degrees of sheer heat, then sped past the plains into Arizona, where 90 professionals failed to explain to John McCain the many and intricate complexities of starting a computer. It blew even faster and headed slightly northwards, straight into the heart of DC, where Bush chatted amicably with Obama, then heading about ten miles off to a school, where the greatest and proudest moment of our time happened-

My friend: “Oh, I get the joke now. The angles of the hands! Hahahaha!!!Good one!”

The timing was impeccable.

Half-angels

2008-11-09T13:53:00.007-05:00

Random thought of the day: Have you noticed that people often use holy(Jesus Christ!! Goddamn it!!Holy shit!, etc), unholy terms(It's cold as hell in here! By the Nine Hells, etc.) or sex-related ones(do I really need to give an example?) when they swear? That is so cliché and biased against atheists. From now onwards, I'll try my best to swear with either earthly, cyberspace, or scientific terms.

Note: This post(like many of mine) is based on part philosophy, part humor so if you're a)a dingbat or b)literal minded, don't bother. There isn't any politics, dialogue or action either, so yeah...

A friend of mine is working on a computer game. Which, for obvious reasons, I could not go into details here. At any rate, his game has many races, including humans, elves, half-elves, half-dwarves, half orcs and half-angels.

Which raises the obvious question. Well, obvious from my perspective, anyway. I mean, it doesn't take too much imagination(when you consider the mentality of the average human male) to think of half-elves, half-dwarves or even half orcs, but how the spam is it possible to get half angels[ref:see below]???

Most people agree that angels are superior beings from a higher plane of existence, so it follows suit that there aren't many angels in the first place. In addition, keep in mind that the high ones generally transcend gender, which raises a lot of awkward points.

So how do you get a half angel? Well, here are some random theories that I'll just dish out.

Theory 1: The obvious one

OK, random higher being comes to our plane, knocks up a hot virgin, nine months later, a baby mysteriously pops out. While I totally hate this theory because of its sheer lack of creativity(Earth knows that even a redneck in Texas could think that up), if you believe in the mythology, it already happened at least one(Jesus, anyone?), so yeah, it bears some consideration.

Theory 2: The time-space continuum break

This theory is slightly complicated, but it involves a gap between the parallel planes of Heaven and Earth, a power outrage, a totally idiotic UN Secretary General at 2550, a plumber trying to repair sewage problems in a wormhole, and the world's unluckiest angel. Use your imagination*

Theory 3: NDS ascension

NDS (Near Death Syndrome) occurs when a person is just at the brink of death, and is pulled in both directions. At one end, the medical guys got there in time and managed to rescue a person, at the other, his 0r her soul not only saw the light, but managed to go threw it. So at one end, he or she is a fully ascended angel, at the other, really burnt, pissed off and heavily in pain, but nonetheless, still fully mortal. By which, we get a half-angel, albeit a really annoyed one.

Theory 4: Descension

OK, this concept is near the direct opposite of theory 3. Every single mythology has a story about a Deity of some sort or another who gets punished by going to Earth. Which is pretty expected, I guess, losing your immortality status because you committed some horrendous crime, like falling in love with a human, killing a enemy or 2, committed a major act of thief, almost caused a dark hole that would swallow the universe, or eating an apple.

But what happens when the ruler of the plane is chickenhearted??Then, in that case, he wouldn't punish by fulling mortalizing you, he'll just make you a halfhuman. So you're kinda punished, but you're still superior to all the creatures made of mud and stuff, so you aren't too unhappy.

Theory 5: TTT(The Typo Theory)

Maybe, just maybe, the entire concept of halfangels was originally started just because somebody had too much time on their hands or made a typo when writing.

This theory is so preposterous and idiotic I would not even comment on it.

Sources:

The Holy Bible

Edited:Several hundred gay monks

Last-minute Election Post

2008-11-07T16:35:00.008-05:00

Note: Obviously, it wasn't posted the last minute before the election. Actually, that was the original intention. However, it soon became apparent that the average voter isn't exactly very intelligent. I'll probably never forgive myself if somebody actually take my blog seriously and changed his mind one way or another...

Quotes: "You can fool all the people some of the time and you can fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time."- A popular quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln.

Note 2: Lincoln never said that.

As anybody who isn't a blonde airhead living in an imaginary sweet sixteen partydom in an imaginary world called MTV knows, we're gonna have the elections tomorrow. And elections have a tendency to back-fire. So here I will post, as is my sworn duty, to educate the american people so that they will make intelligent, informed, decisions on how to vote in the best possible way to serve both their own individual interests and the collective American interest as a nation.....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Oops. Sorry, couldn't resist. At any rate, here's my take on the following candidates:

Obama bin Ladin, I mean, Osama bin Ladin, I mean, Osama Biden, I mean, Barack Hussein Obama, I mean, hey, I actually got it right this time!!w00t!

OK, he's the presidential hopeful and the most likely victor. He's also practically a black horse(no racist puns intended) and has a middle name remarkably similar to a guy executed a coupla years ago... I mean, seriously, you could talk about the finer points of politics and complete and utter change all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that unless you change your name, it sound so much like a terrorist who want to completely and utterly change the American people as well!!! Yeah, I know, all the "change" words are confusing. And that's another thing I have to nitpick with Obama: if I have change every time barrack(I mean Barack) says change, I'll be the world's richest billionaire, not to mention to world's greatest net exporter of nickel and zinc...

Unfunny jokes aside, there's really not much you know about this guy. While experience isn't so important in this job as other far more experience-qualified jobs(like stonemasonery and prostitution), you gotta understand that a single term in the Senate honestly doesn't qualify you to be president. Of course, Barrack's strategem is "Judgement over Experience" and I fully respect that. After all, it's the idiots who are experienced at doing crappy stuff that got the country into the mess in the first place. And face it, experience at doing crap doesn't make you go to the bathroom less.

Quite the opposite in effect.

That said, quite a few of Obama's plans are doomed to disaster. For instance, his health care is practically a recipe for disaster. Not only is it extraordinarily expensive and bound to contain expensive loopholes that insurance companies and hospitals are certain to exploit, the very principle is unsound. You are effectively and essentially removing an incentive to stay healthy. In addition, his plan for taxing rich people prob. wouldn't work. The rich stayed rich not by giving money to every thief who calls himself IRS but by not getting taxed. Obama said he's gonna revamp the tax code. I sure as heck hope that he means revamp for the better, cause if the alternative holds true and he gets elected, it's a scary world out there....

McCain(no puns there, unless you go back to the times of Abel and Cain, which is just about a few years before McCain's time)

Obama is only maybe 7 percentage points ahead of McCain, which, according to McCain's supporters, mean that McCain practically already won. All you have to do is vote for him!!

So who is McCain??

Well, McCain is just your average 72-year old plain Joe. He led a pretty boring life(his mom was a stay-at-home one and his dad was merely a humble 4-star admiral). He was a vet in some wars, and just like the humble average guy, was merely a escaped PoW who resisted extreme torture. Afterwards, he led a pretty boring life as a 22-year senator and a maverick, constantly walking up, down and across the aisle because he has nothing better to do. Oh, and he married a hot woman 20 years younger than him who is also a millionaire, just like the humble man he is.

I know this might sounds like bias and age-discrimination but McCain's just a tad old. Have you watched the Lord of the Rings?You know the little guy, the really important one, who destroyed the One Ring in the end? Yeah, what's with all the keen experiences in the White House, that's what McCain's gonna look like in 4 years if he gets elected.

No, not Frodo. The Gollum, only balder and with a lousier fashion sense. And if that isn't enough, he picked Palin!!!Palin, I tell ya!! She's the governor of Alaska!!! I mean, I'll be cool if McCain's job is managing reindeer and she's his backup in case he died, but I honestly doubt she has the ability to manage far dumber animals, as she would if McCain met with the guy in black that he managed to avoid the last few decades.

Nope, not James Bond. Sorry, ladies. At any rate, McCain isn't that bad 4 years ago(I remember both Bush and Kerry quoted him in their speeches), but senility seems to settle in and McCain is getting more and more republican, and thus out of touch with the non-SuperChristian world, which is kinda sad.

In conclusion, both candidates suck, so rather than picking the lesser of two evils, don't vote. I'm not a citizen so I can't vote anyway...

At least, not directly.

Note:Obama won. No surprises there...

My Halloween Story-Part 1

2008-11-03T21:22:00.007-05:00

RTotD (Random Thought of the Day): Have you noticed how when two girls stare at each other, you automatically assume that they're angry with each other, but when two guys do the same, the automatic assumption is that they're gay??I mean, seriously, WTF???This is so genderist. I mean,as much as I love the '70s hippie phrase, this is seriously taking it overboard...

People say I'm the world's greatest writer. OK, fine, they didn't actually say that. I am, nonetheless, a good writer. OK, fine, nobody actually said that either. However, I do compare favorably to contemporary classical writers. Fine, fine, the exact words were:"Dude, your story sucks, but at least it doesn't suck as much as the story we had to do for English."

My own ego aside, I mentioned before that I never understood the point of horror story. And that is true. So, naturally a friend made a bet that I couldn't write a horror story. Fortunately, I love a challenge: So here goes nothing:

Spoiler Alert:Story is not actually very horrifying.

It was a Halloween night. The type with all the cliche stuff: full moon, which was scary, lots of scary clouds, wolves howling in the distance, which was scary, scary-looking trees rustling scarily and really scary music in the background, which was scary. A scary scene, indeed.

Anyway, I was walking home from the grocery store with my best friend, a black guy, a airhead girl and a moron(y'know, standardized cast) when we saw an old lady in black with a broomstick beckoning us to help us cross the street. Needless to say, we did the only logical, 21st century thingy. We ignored her. We were some way apart from her when suddenly a loud, hag-like voice declared:

"A curse be upon thy that shalt naught helpth me cross thy yonder street. Three and more should death embrace you, thrice and more should thy not escape unscathed. And if one of thou doth live, then thou shalt live a miserable life, ever-guilty, blaming thyself for thy allies' death"

Just as we looked back, there was an explosion of green smoke and the old lady was gone. Weird.

"What did she say," the black guy asked.

"No clue, think she said something about us swearing" the airhead said, chewing gum and tossing her hair over.

I rolled my eyes. "Look at the clues, guys. Old lady? Black dressing? Broomstick? explosion? Green smoke? Hag-like voice? Ring any bells?"

Apparently not.

Trying to keep patient, I said, my voice grim, "This can only mean one thing"

"What?" everybody screamed in unison

"That lady janitors are far more retro than I've thought."

To be continued

Halloween

2008-10-31T23:11:00.008-04:00

Note: So maybe the title isn't too original. Blame it on the genes.

OK, 'tis time of the year again where people celebrate Satan's birthday by wearing lousy costumes, asking for treats, and going to totally awesome parties. Which, mysteriously enough, I did not participate in. *pauses* Could be that I didn't get an invitation, but hey. Anyway, back to the main point.

I never understand horror movies and books and stuff. I mean, the point of the average movie is that you're supposed to identify with the main character and somehow pretend, for the two or three hours of the movie, that you're like him/her. And of all the different movie types, horror is the only type I could not see myself in. (OK, fine, I can't imagine myself being an action hero either(very minor problem of weak muscles). And yeah, I guess can't really see myself as a savior of the universe either. Of course people will laugh if I try to be a star in a romance movie. And no, I'm just not too cut-out to be a drama-type. If there's a mystery involved, my first instinct will probably be to arrest the most obvious criminal(the practice of which would be very useful for real detectives, but has the suspense level of the average fall from a 3-step stair)

*pauses*

As a matter of fact, the only type of scenario in which I would actually act like the protagonist is in a comedy movie...and that's only if I don't try to be funny. I guess that means I really don't have a life...

*pauses again* But that's really F%^&ing beside the point. The point is that while it is apparently easy(for most people, at least), to pretend to be, say, James Bond, horror presents a totally different scenario. Ignoring all the people who don't matter, there would be only two real possible options for a guy to empathize with.

The Killer and the Victim.

I'm just gonna guess, for the sake of common sense here, that nobody wanna be the victim 'cause not a lot of people enjoy getting their heart ripped out, slowly morphing into a rat, or having their blood splatter spectacularly on the screen in full high definition 3D, complete with creepy music and totally realistic sound effects.

So the only choice left is the Killer. Which is just a little bit scary, since there would be 3 or 4 million moviegoers who constantly enjoy the sadistic effects of their hooks grappling the poor guy, their knives ripping out a girls' heart, their teeth sucking out blood, their slime oozing and killing and eating. Creepy.

And you know what's the worst part? These horrormoviephiles(as I like to call them), are totally, completely anonymous. You never know where they'll strike.

So you could be at a grocery store, standing in line while a weird dude's in front of you. You could be thinking "Goddamn it, he's staring at me!I hope he's not gay...". And he'll be thinking: "That guy has a weird look to him. I'll so enjoy sacrificing his heart to the Aztec gods."

Which is why I hate horror movies.

PS. Who said that you can't get paranoid without pot?

Drugs and the US

2008-09-27T22:25:00.009-04:00

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Personally, I have a serious problem with America and its attendant welfare system. It seems stupid to me. I mean, here's literally the American government's take on opium

factor 1:The US only has enough resources to either ban the production of opium or the consumption of opium.
factor 2: Opium creates billions of dollars in revenue and is a major cash crop.
factor 3: Opium and attendant drugs are exceedingly dangerous, especially to people dumb enough to take drugs in the first place.
factor 4: The US's main competitor for major opium plantations is Afghanistan
factor 5:Opium and related drug lords have direct affiliations with Al Qaeda.

So what does the glorious and oh-so-smart government do??? Ban the production of opium, of course. So now, here's the new scenario.

1. Lots of Americans wants opium and related drugs.
2. The USA is in a costly war against Afganistan, which seems well-funded for some mysterious reason.
3. Even more strangely, people seems to have access to drugs even though they're rarely grown/ lab coated drugs
4. For some odd reason, the free, taxpayer-funded, million-dollar rehab clinics with spas, swimming pools, and 50 inch LCD TVs does not seem to dissuade people from doing drugs. Weird.

Oh, the intelligence.

Personally, I think legalizing drugs is the way to go. The way I figure it, nobody's gonna to stop doing drugs with all the pity statutes we currently have, so let them figure it out by themselves. I mean, they're not gonna quit until they wake up and their entire body's covered with their own pus. you know. In addition, don't forget the not-so-minor point of all the cash that could remain in the States.

Better yet, let natural selection take it's course and let people without any self-control do what they have to do already. If they wanna die and clear up the gene pool, the way I figure it, be my guest.:P

Trust me, this will solve a lot of problems. Not only will it save a lot of government funds and Afgan soldiers, it will make the average human smarter!!Plus, it will solve the sub-prime mortgage crisis as people who have the general legalities for being able to loan(ie, alive) would actually put money in their house and not drugs.

Everybody wins.

And that's why I should be the unconditional and absolute dominator of the universe.

Volunteer Job

2008-08-13T22:29:00.002-04:00

Hey, right now I'm posting this from my Volunteer Job at the Huajiadi South Program for Kids With Slow Wits(Really, it's called that. And you wonder why they need me to work as a translator). Anyway, they have some nice computers, and since the foreigner reporters hadn't come yet(They would come sometime between now and sep. 30th. It's a surprise!), I have nothing to do but blog and chat. Oh, and work, but I'm hoping it's a joke.

Anyway, once I get from my creativity slump, I'll post a lot. Enjoy!!!

Chinaboy

2008-08-10T21:44:00.001-04:00

Hey, I'm in China right now. And I honestly can't think of anything to write. Even though the ban on blogger has been lifted. So if you could think of anything that could serve as inspiration, please mail me. or reply to the tagboard.

Middle of The Road

2008-07-25T10:20:00.002-04:00

Note 1:I'm in charge of Eternalduel's E-Paper now. Please create an account if you wanna be a columnist. YES!!!

Note 2: We are approaching the 100th post!!!So mail me or reply on the tagboard for ideas of the celebrations!!!Woo-hoo!!

Note 3:So list what type of posts you want (Philosophy, satire, test/quizzes, more Chuananity, more Utopia, W.K.J. King, etc)

Note 4:Yes, I really need a life. How in the world did you guess??

An interesting thing about me is that I often look at things from a different angle. For instance, take this scenario. Suppose you're walking back home from an unfamiliar place and you have to take a small, narrow, windy, road, twisting and curving. There's no sidewalk, and only two lanes in opposite directions, separated by double yellow lines. Cars flash past in both directions

at high speeds and stuff, infrequently and in both directions. What would you have done?

The majority of people would be bored after the first sentence and went to another website already. A slightly smaller percentage will ask "Who cares?" If they're partially serious, they(you) might say something extremely intelligent like "walk on the side of the road" or "just hope for the best." Some cowards, when actually in the scenerio, will take another road or ask for a lift.

I wouldn't

What I would(did) do is simple. I walked on the yellow lines. My theory is that most drivers obey the traffic laws and keep to the sides, besides, there's always the risk of crashing into another car going the opposite direction, so they wouldn't dare, thus insuring my safety.

So far, it worked.

So what's my point? Simple. Don't blame me(or anyone else, for that matter) for thinking of an alternative solution to a problem. Instead, applaud them. And whatever you do, never, ever, ever, chase them out with sticks and then preach to your whole audience that the genius who helped you is a servant of the devil.

That's what I told the local pastor. Seriously, why should he get mad?? I was just trying to help his church turnout. I mean, what's the difference between flyers celebrating the birth of Christ or the afterlife and a flyer labeling Vatican controversies? Really weird guy.

That's why I hate being a genius.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

2008-07-11T23:54:00.000-04:00

(Today) July 11th is my birthday. If I had one birthday wish, I'll wish for immortality. Or world peace. Might as well aim high.

Weeding out the Morons-Final

2008-07-05T18:48:00.010-04:00

Note:I felt guilty for not posting much lately, so I made this post extra, extra-long. Also, I'm starting to experiment with different colors and fonts, just for fun. If it gives you eyesore, just mail me and I'll stop. The last thing I want to do is to have a 'blog' like the attention seekers in Myspace or Facebook, who hide behind glitter, pictures, and wacko font, presumable to conceal the fact that their actual posts are bullcr@p.

Ok, now, for the most interesting part of the series, I will tell a story. You might be wondering why the style is somewhat unfamiliar. That's because it is actually based (very loosely) on a childhood story(in chinese), however, I cranked the irony and sarcasm up a few notches. In fact, it could be said to be the textbook example of satire. So without further ado, let's begin. (puts on storytelling voice)

The Just King.

Once upon a time, in an islandish citiesh kingdom far, far, away, there was a king. He was often said to be a wise, just and kind king*. In fact, he consider himself to be the wisest, justest** and kindest king in the world.

He was so just, wise and kind that he has audience with his subjects on a frequent basis. Indeed, he treats his subjects as equals. Here are just a few of the many times he showed justice, kindness and wisdom:

The Hideous Menace

On one of the few times (being such a great king, he's often busy) he has holidays***, the king decided to take a walk in the streets to experience the common life of the city-dwellers. Of course, his people, very properly, showed some slight respect by following the 5 Ls, as he walked by namely, lowering their eyes, lowering their tone of voice slightly,a Little amount of respectable smiles and of course, Lowering their bodies and kissing the ground and laying the red carpet.

As he was walking by, he noticed an extremely unsightly scene. There was a taint to the national monument****(His statue, somewhat larger than life and created with a slight amount of artistic license^)!!!! So, naturally, being the just and wise king he is, he asked one of his many subjects why there was an unsightly piece of grayish blobbing mass on the pores of his nose.

Oh, kind, just and wise king, may you live for ten thousand and one years^^ the man began(It was a few hours before he finished reciting the many titles), "The people of Rojung West are famished because of your great, benevolent taxes-"

"-voluntary donations!!" a person in black, one of the king's many, non-secretive, purely civilian police snapped.

"Sorry I misspoke, oh supreme king. They are starving because of the 130% of income voluntary donations imposed on them. Therefore, some could only afford to chew gum. Without the Sanitation Bill you so wisely vetoed, we could only deposit our used garbage in the nearby place, and as the only surface area not already filled to the chest in garbage and corpses, one of the youngsters, well..." The man trailed off.

The king went back to his palace, deep in thought. He took many hours before he came to a conclusion. Finally, he painstakingly wrote a few words on his gold plated toiletries^^^ and asked his Grand Vizier to come in. The Grand Vizier looked at the Royal Proclamation and sighed.

G.V. :Are you sure about this?It might-

W.K.J.King:Yes, certainly.

G.V. :But the economic potential lost, not to mention the complaints of the rich-

W.K.J. King:Am I the king or are you??!!!! If we can't make enough money from the taxes, just scrap the 107th sculpture!!!! DO IT!!NOW

G.V.:Yes, be-

W.K.J.King:Are you still there?

G.V.:No, sir.

And so, chewing gum was banned.

Justice

One day, the king held audience in his chambers. A man(let's just call him thief), who somehow managed to appear scruffy despite being in a rich fur coat and several diamond- and ruby- necklaces came to the king and groveled, careful not to do so in the same carpet as His Majesty.

"Ole Kind Wise and.......," he said, "As you have already in your omniscience known, I have been most grievously and treacherously wounded in the course of my profession. I was just doing my job, trying to break in a climb through a window and entering a house to appropriate the goods, when the window ledge most dastardly broke, causing me to lose my balance and break my back, never able to work again. Please, sir, punish the b@stard who owned the house."

"That's Outrageous!" The king said. "he dares to do that in my kingdom?? Not a chance!!"

So he summoned the house-owner, whom we should call House-owner, to him. House-owner, thinking fast, blamed the builder. So, naturally, he summoned the builder.

The man we would call Builder almost lost his life before he recalled the events on that day, so long ago. "Your....", he said," The building of that ledge would have been correct, but while I was hammering, I saw a beautiful young lady in a scarlet dress, and I lost my train of thought, thus propelling me to miss and hit my hand, causing me to crash and fell off the ladder."

It took some time before the king's NCPP(Non-secretive, Civilian, Purely-innocent, Police) found the woman. By that time, the king was in a fury. "How dare you appear beautiful and wear a sc, scar, sc-...urggghhh, red dress, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???

The woman, a very intelligent lady, quickly said, "Sir, my looks are a result of god. My dress is because of my tailor. Clearly, neither is my fault."

The Wise, Kind and Just king mulled over this and finally said, "I could only think of one solution."

"What?" everybody asked in trepidation.

"Penalizing god." he said calmly. From now onwards, anyone worshipping god would be sent to prison or executed.

It took a couple of convincing arguments from priests, a lot of dead bodies, the king's internal battle (and minor help from a couple of conveniently placed lightning strikes) to make the king change his mind.

So he went on the other lead, and summoned the tailor, a tall, thin, man, who we should ca-

Reader:Let me guess?Tailor.

Writer:No, his name is Timothy. What made you think of a stupid name like tailor??Geez.

The king, red-faced with anger, proclaimed, " how dare you make a red dress, causing the lady to put it on, causing this Builder here to slip his hammer, causing this House-owner to buy a broken ledged-house, causing this poor Thief here to slip and fall, breaking his back and all his dreams of a better life???!!!"

Timothy was at a loss for words. Who heard of making it a crime to make a red dress? Besides, since when are burglars so insistent on their rights?

"Ah, silent, aren't you??" the king said wisely, justly, and kindly nasty. "Guilt overriding your conscience?No excuses? Well, well, well. GUARDS!!", he said, raising his voice, "To the gallows with this man!!"

After a while, a masked man in black and holding a axe came back, apologetic and red-faced(at least in the parts that are not masked). "Sir, sorry, the tailor is too tall. He can't fit in the gallows."

"Then find another shorter tailor to hang. Duh! Must I think of everything?"

The tall tailor and everybody else was let free, and a short, somewhat unlucky tailor was ushered in. Needless to say, he fit, and his head was later cut off and displayed on the bridge, a fitting warning for any future evil-doers.

And so, Justice was done.

*And often accompanied with the phrase, "a selfish, idiotic, pain in the arse, and I definetely didn't say that.

**he was wise and kind enough to invent a new word

***The holiday was the 16th anniversary of the fifth day after his first royal proclaimation, to be exact.

****The king believed in bringing beauty to the city. He also believed himself to be the most handsome man alive. Might as well apply both

^Besides different colored eyes, facial shape, lack of zits, hairstyle, poses, and proportion of limbs and torso, the statue is exactly proportionate to the king, on a 50:1 scale

^^The king heard that chinese emperors have their subjects wishing them to live ten thousand years. The W.K.J. king take it as a personal affront.

^^^Some rich people merely have gold-plated toilet seats. The king have gold-plated toilet paper as well.

Weeding out the Morons-Part 3

2008-07-05T17:11:00.004-04:00

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Pre-note: Check out this game: http://www.heroeswm.com/?rid=28735

Okay, let's analyze another of my posts. Since my Going Back to the US posts are the most popular, I'll analyze and explain another of them.

Note: Numbers with asterisks are the ones that I'll explain later

So, anyway, I took a 12 hourflight to Detroit. Man, this is getting ridiculous. Call me spoiled, but is it that much to want an entertainment system instead of 12-hours of doing nothing(1)???Huh? To be fair to Northsouthern Airlines, they had a Projector TV(2). Which shouldn't have been that lousy, but there's a catch. They really don't have interesting shows(3). Who want to spend all their time watching a show called Starstruck?? A really bored teenager blogger who calls himself Leonardo with nothing better to do, that's who(5).

Anyway, when I finally got off the plane, I felt like I was in heaven(6). Then, we had to go through the checkpoint, which was kinda*censor*, erm...unexpected. (7)Imagine a clean, tech, effecient, friendly checkpoint that barely have any lines. Yeah, that's what I did, imagine it(8), because the reality isn't like that. Quite the opposite in effect.

When I saw the size of the line(quenue), I was ready to give the country up to radicals like Obama(9*) and Yuanmashita(0:Old joke). After 20 minutes in the line with no visible progress, I was ready to join them(10). By the time I got through a third of the line, I was screaming at them to @#$%^ hurry up(11*). Anyway, it was ---- tiring standing in the line. That and I have the world's worst case of jet lag. So I must have drifted off(don't ask me how I managed to do so standing up)(12), because the next thing I know, I was near the front of the line. In the big electronic billboard on top of the checkpoint, I saw the following words:"radicals led by the disgrunted general, Yuanmashita, has launched a major strike against the checkpoint. Flee!(13*)

I smiled to myself. No more standing in line! Of course, I had to pay Yuanmashita an arm and leg for the service(14), but it was worth it. I smiled in anticipation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only catch is that I looked slightly ungainly without an arm or leg.(15) Arrggghhh. Wait, an arm or leg??What happened to my other arm?(16)For that matter, what happened to my other leg? (17)For that matter, why can't I see my torso? (18)While we're at it, why can't I see amnything????? (19)And why do I feel as if my shoulder's shaking while I can't see anything?
------------------------------
"Wake Up!"somebody shook me awake. I opened my eyes. I was in front of the border official. I checked my watch. It was four hours after we landed. I was going to say something witty before the border checkpoint official interrupted.

"give me one reason why you would not be involved in a school shooting."(20*)he said

Uh-oh. Here we go again....

Final Note: Tomorrow, I will write a humorous story, the type that should be in a textbook and noted as a dictionary defination of irony, and you could try to spot the jokes

*We have yet to receive a single phone call in complaint

9. Please, don't sue me. It's only a joke.^

11. A common mis-conception is that I'm screaming at the checkpoint officials to hurry up. Actually, I was referring to the terrorists.

13. The obvious irony of disgruntled generals attacking a border checkpoint.

20. Refers way back, to one of my earliest posts.

^Avid reader: Why would anybody sue you?

Me:Y'know, these religious politicians, they get upset about these things.

Avid reader:He'll probably just take it as a joke.

Me:No, he won't. He's got a big temper, y'know.

Avid read:No, he don't. Besides, I thought you are a fan of that guy. You said that yourself.

Me: Of course not. He killed thousands of people

A.R.:Hussein?Are you sure

Me:No, I wasn't talking about him, but, yeah, him too.

A.R.:Are you sure Barrack Hussein Obama did all these thing?

Me:What, him?No, I was worried that Osama bin Ladin would sue.

A.R.:Oh.

Weeding out the Morons(cont.)

2008-06-24T23:25:00.007-04:00

Okay, to cont, my Weeding out the Morons post, I'll choose a few of the subtler jokes. Feel free to check if you get it.

For instance, did you get the footnote two posts ago?

-*So maybe I'll never be Stephen King. Big deal. -

Think about it.

Now, the expected thing for me to write in the footnote is jokes about.... affection, but that's, well, expected. Instead, I the joke was that I'll never write a horror story*

Now, here's a test to see how many of my jokes you could get. I'll use Re-entering the US

as an example. I copied the posts below and put a numbered each joke(number is inserted after the jokes). Obviously, I'll forget 1 or 2, either because I honestly don't know, it was only a half-joke, or it was so common, the joke's hardly worth mentioning. And of course, not all of the jokes listed will be funny to everyone. In fact, if you even get half of them(and liked more than 10 percent of those you get), I'll be more than satisfied.

Okay, so after an extremely extended visit in China, I'm flying back to the U.S. Which should have been pretty cool, but it isn't. Really. For starters, my plane ticket isn't a straight flight. It's from Beijing to Tokyo to Detroit to Washington D.C. For enders, our trip coincided with an international terrorist alert(1). In other words, not the most efficient flight(s) I've been in(2). Really.

In Beijing, we were called for a random security check. Four men in full-black suits searched our suitcases for an exhausting 11 minutes and 17 seconds(Yes. I timed it.)(3) One of them seems particularly interested in my DVDs (conveniently bought at some place called "Li's Black Market")(4). I could just guess what he was thinking. I mentally steeled myself for the questionnaire by going through what he may say in advance.

Guy(holding up a DVD):What's that?(5)
Me:It's a DVD

Guy:Our policy does not allow this type of C-(6)

Just then, another black suited guy came up and had a whispered conference with the first one. From what I could hear, it seems a heated debate.(7)
Guy:Like I said, Our policy does not allow this type of C(8)-*discreet coughing from the other guy*, I mean DVDs.

Me:What type?

Him:Harmful, dangerous material(9).
Me:How is that dangerous?It's Tom&Jerry(10), for god's sake.

Him:Religion Alert(11)!!!
Me:Oops. So what?
Him:Your passport says that you're a freethinker. Never mention God's name if you are not a believer. It shows disrespect to him.
Me:I object! God doesn't exist! Besides, you're supposed to be impartial
Him:Oh, re-
(A lightning bolt hit a tree only two feet away from the nearest window)(12)
Me:O....k. I hereby withdraw my objection.(13)

Him:Good. Now, back to the main point: Your CD clearly contains dangerous materials(14).
Me:How so?
Him:Let's see...intense violence(15), disrespect for figures of authority(16), events going against the order of nature(17), the small triumphing over the strong(18), possibility of bird flu through un-licensed, stray, illegal dogs(19*), a made-in-china sign over a defective mouse trap(20) ...the list just goes on and on.
Me:It's just a cartoon
Him: So what? Anyway, your CD-
Other Guy:whispers something angrily in chinese.

They had a heated discussion in private. I decided to use the time to make myself scarce.

(Hear concludes Part 1. The highlights of Part 2 includes overpriced water in Tokyo and Customs+Security check in Detroit. Keep tuned!)

*To tell you the truth, I never get why anyone would like Stephen King. His plots are so predictable, a mouse could chew through the front cover and poop out the epilogue.

Weeding out the Morons

2008-06-24T20:59:00.003-04:00

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One of the interesting things about my blog is that it's dedicated to preserving intelligence. For some quite obvious reasons, there has yet to be any idiots reading my blog and actually liking it. Of course, there are exceptions, but these are so rare, they could be counted on the fingers of a blind assassin's* hand. A far more likely scenario would that of some said idiot reading my blog and not understanding a word of it(or extremely "big" words like negotiate**, for that matter). Of course, there are certain smart people who read my blog and don't even think it's mildly funny, but their sense of humor would be generally proportionate to their chances of getting dates.***

If I had plans on dominating the world(not that I'm Yuanmashita or anything. I'm speaking purely hypothetically), the first test of whether they would be allowed to continue their existence would be for them to read my blog and ask them to explain the jokes. Seems like a very important evolutionary trait to me. So if you're reading my blog, consider yourself lucky. Not only are you smart and funny, you're also be permitted to live and breed.

Congratulations.

*An admirable trait, not to mention proof of a full implementation of the Americans with Disabilities Act in the organized crime syndicates

**Really, somebody I know said just that.

***Unless you count Donald Trump. But hey, that guy's so rich and famous, he could be impressing women from beyond the grave. Just saying.

The Roller Costar-Part 2

2008-06-22T17:12:00.010-04:00

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Note:If you are somewhat unintelligent(in which case sign up for the above program), and can't get the hint, please note that this post is the continuation of the previous post. If you can't figure out what's the previous post, please sign up for the above program and ask for the slow classes. Really.

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So, finally, we got to the front of the line. It was an inspirational moment for me. The greatest time of my life. I felt like singing Hallelujah. Well, not really, but you get the point.

So we waited a while for the coaster cart thingy to come, then we got in the back cart-ish thingy. After we went through the usual security procedures,......nothing happened. What a surprise!

So I said(be amazed at my ingenuity) :"Nothing hap-"

My words were very rudely cut off by the sudden, extreme acceleration of the cart. I would have complained but I was too busy being scared(Yes, I'm not exactly the bravest guy in the world. Or the second.... or the millionth.... Or the billionth. Or the third-to-last-bravest. Or the....Well, you get the point). Anyway, we went through an extremely and possibly fatal patterns of highs and lows, dips and whorls , spins, and et cetera, often spinning 360 degrees and, well, stuff. Finally, we got to the climax of the ride. We were at least 100 miles in mid-air(well, not really, but that's what it feels like. Yes, I'm scared easily. I thought we already established that fact).

I feel scared. I feel frightened. I feel excited. More, I was exhilarated. My breath was coming fast.My heart was beating haphazardly I was smiling in a manner more commonly enjoyed by extreme race car drivers, surfers riding the high waves, people, er, enjoying themselves with members of the opposite gender and Islamic extremists carrying loaded explosives in their backpacks and driving in a way that suggests they have a somewhat odd idea of pleasure.* My ears were ringing. I heard a ringtone faintly in the distance.

Wait a second, a ringtone? That doesn't make sense. Besides, I don't even like Avril. After a few seconds of careful consideration and use of my phenomenal brain, I decided that the ringtone was caused by the cell-phone of the lady three seats in front of me. This was deduced by her taking out her phone and saying,

"Hello!!"

It was followed up by a conversation

"Hi **********(name censored to protect writer from lawsuit)"

"No, that's okay......Yeah, sure.Of course I'm not busy....What??Really?...She did?...I told her not too.....Yeah....Uh-huh...Sure...Of course I'll come..."

She kept talking before, after and during the plummet. For some strange and unknown reason, that ruined the moment for us. A little.

After we got out, we had to go home because the park was closing down.

Conclusion:

Money spent:$110

Time Spent in the lines: over 5 hours

Time on the ride: all of 2 minutes.

*So maybe I'll never be Stephen King. Big deal.

The Roller Costar- Part 1

2008-06-18T19:41:00.002-04:00

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Note: This series of events happened on June 15th, Father's Day.

You know how some kids buy their paternal parents hideous or useless gifts that their dad is supposed to like for Father's Day! Well, my father kinda of intrepreted the message differently. He decided that this Father's Day, he'll actually try to be a father(The gesture was mildly spoiled by the fact that since it is Father's Day, I did have to pay for our tickets) . So he took me to this theme park called the Seven Flags**.

This really made me feel like a kid again. In fact, last time I was in a theme park, I was six. It also rekindles fond memories of childhood. Well, not so fond.. It involved me, balloons, wires, a really, really, dry day, the wood on the old-fashioned roller coasters, and one of Benjamin Franklin's stupid discoveries. Namely, static electricity. The fire burned down quite a bit of the theme park. Strangely, I was banned from that one, on grounds of instigating a fight. I still think the clown started it. (Hey, that man with a giant red nose did have a face only a mother would love )

Annoying Flashbacks aside, my father drove us to the theme park.

Then we headed for the most traumatic experience in the entire theme park. We waited in line for tickets. We waited in line. And waited. And waited some more. Seriously, is this a theme park or an airport??***. By the time we got to the end of the line, my knees were quivering. My ears were ringing. My hair was all over the place(Mostly due to frustration). Seriously, is that a scary theme park or what??

We finally bought the tickets($49.95 each plus taxes) and semi-cheerfully headed for a ride. It was called the Ace****Then we headed for what Americans probably consider the most important and scary part of the ride-the line. So, again, we waited. And waited. And waited some more. I didn't keep track of how long it took(the watch I bought from the entrance broke and the warranty was expired somewhere halfway through the line)***** , but it was definetely a long time.

Note:In case you're wondering why I had such a weird title, it's because I liked the pun. No other reasons. Sorry to disappoint you conspiracy buffs.

*Shipping and Handling not included
**Names have been slightly altered to protect the writer from lawsuit
***Urban Legends tell of a guy who met a pretty girl, married her, raised a family, divorced(with the help of a friendly lawyer, also a fellow quener who settled the legal stuff for free), and had the children tall enough to pass the meter for a ride while in line. Don't believe the rumors, though^
****Names have been changed to protect the writer from lawsuit. If you want a hint, it also has something to do with(and rhymes with) poker, and it's higher than an Ace
*****Don't ask.
^I find it hard to believe that lawyers would do anything for free.

SAT-Part 3-I've No Idea WHat To Call It

2008-06-07T10:30:00.002-04:00

Ads-Public service announcement paid for by ETS-Contrary to public belief, ETS(Creator of the SAT) is not a profit-making organization. It is an NPO. Any alleged theory that ETS has a pool the size of Bill Gate's entire mansion or that the manager has a private jet or that the founder has three sons that each had a full score is absolutely and completely false.

Notes(1):If you are confused by the title, it's because I can't think of a better title

Notes(2):Check out Alcibade's website if you want some really hard riddles.
Notes(3):Also, please check my blog more regularly. I'll post more from now onwards.
Notes(4):Check out the Dilbert comics, conveniently located as a widget on my blog
Notes(5):A lot of people asked me if and what I watch on TV(as if that's the prime element of inspiration for intellect and humor). The answer is yes, but there's no specific program I enjoy(unless you count the highly intelligent Japanese anime Death Note), so don't bother watching those programs thinking that you could gleen off highly intelligent humor from them.

Note(6):Yes, I know all these notes are annoying

After a while and no more signs, we all decided(by virtue of everybody(Read:nobody) agreeing to do so) to head back to the original waiting area. They were just going in line for the different rooms of the SAT(The real rooms, this time). We waited for quite some time. It was all really suspenseful.

Then, we got the tests.*The first portion was the essay. The essay question was about the advantages and disadvantages of progress.

Let's just say that I prefer the old times because you don't have to take tests in the good old days. Nor do you have to take the essay. Nor do you have to have 24 nerve-ridden minutes at a state of mental shutdown and then make up a lousy essay doomed to mediocrity(even if it had enough time to be finished, which wasn't the case)in the remaining minute.

How I missed the good old days.

*it's one of the rules of the universe that when the suspense is high, the actual thing to be suspenseful for is rarely worth the suspense**

**Try to say that 5 times fast.

***Actually, I didn't do that bad.(Out of 800)

630 Writing 85th percentile

680 Math 91st percentile

770 Critical Reading 99th percentile

SAT-Part 2-The infernal daymare, aka, peer pressure

2008-05-31T17:33:00.007-04:00

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Anyway, I got off the car and entered the mysterious maze of a testing center-my school. I looked at everybody else in the waiting hall. Nobody else seemed to be doing anything or know where we were supposed to be going. Except one person (in a green T-shirt). He seemed to be moving purposefully in a North-north-west direction(Yes, my calculator had a compass program. As the chief engineer of the Titanic's friend* once said, you could never be too over-prepared**.) Anyway, I followed him, hoping that he knew where we were supposed to be going. Then, I noticed a few more people. And then a few more. By the time we were halfway down the hall, there was at least a hundred students. By the time we were almost there(wherever there is), approx. half of the total number of examinees were following us. Then we hit a dead end.

With so many people, it took quite a while for everybody to notice that. Then, there was silence. Absolute silence. The seven seconds of silence*** were finally broken by somebody in the back shouting: "Why are we here??" Always glad to enlighten, I replied: "Some believe that our ancestors were created by God in his image and to serve his will, others believe that we were reincarnated from previous lives depending on karma, a few even believe that it's all a random fluctuation of probability particles; personally, I'm more of the Chuananity sect, which holds that all of us are currently undergoing the most complicated virtual reality experience in the software of t-"

Somebody rudely interrupted my sermon by saying: "Dude, not why we are here in general, the question is why are we here in this dead end with a mild smell of old cabbage" Oh, I thought. Everybody begin to jabber.

"Well, I was going here because everybody else seemed to be moving, and"

"Lots of people were going in this direction"

"I thought, hey, follow the majority and you can't go wrong"

"I saw my friend walking there with them, and I thought hey, why not"

"I followed those five people, and then it seemed like there was a lot of other people as well, so I knew this was the right direction-

And so on and so forth. After a very long time, the evidence narrowed down to me. I pointed to the guy in the green T-shirt and explained. We all looked at him, hoping that there was a logical explanation. He explained that he was going to the bathroom, but then noticed that everybody else was going in this direction and decided that something important is going on.

Finally, it all became clear.

It dawned to all of us that we were here by the will of God.

* a friend of the engineer, not the engineer of the friend. Sorry for the ambiguity.

**Unfortunately, he was met with ridicule.

***Hey!It's an alliteration!

Doing the SATs Part 1

2008-05-10T18:42:00.007-04:00

Ads-Enron-Invest in Enron energy corp!!!!Motto:We take your money 'n' run!!

Quotes: "The Slimy Atrocious Torture(SATs) is the greatest weapon ever to endanger mankind"-upyourscore.com

I took my SATs on May 3rd. In case you just crawled out of a cave in Bangladesh from the second century and don't know what the SATs are, it's only one of the most traumatic experiences ever suffered by a high school student. The Slimy Atrocious Torture consists of extremely complex and mind-blowing questions in reading, writing and mathematics lasting to a total of a grueling, 225 minutes. Yes, you heard right. 225 minutes!!! Of all the forms of torture(and if you ever talked to Yuanmashita, there are quite a few) invented by mankind(including waterboarding, lynching, getting your toenails pulled one by one and 4th period english class without a pillow), this is easily the worst.

So how did mine SATs go?One word:lousy. With a capital L(and an o and an u and a s and a y, but let's not go there)

First, I was just a teeny little bit nervous, so I didn't sleep well. As in really didn't sleep well. As in, took five hours to sleep and when I did sleep, I had a dream about Adolf Hitler and ETS conspiring to create the perfect race through the natural magnetism in 2B pencils(don't ask), so when there were a few hundred of those sharp, nasty weapons pointed at me, I did the only logical thing under the circumstances :I woke up screaming.*

Secondly, when I woke up, I realized that I might have forgotten a few things in my zeal to remember all the SAT words like luminous, embark, insipid, accessories, unconventional, dearth, enthrall, lousy, censure, timorous, and, well, you get the point. For starters, saving time by simultenously brushing your teeth and eating is not a good idea. And being creative on the day of the test by wearing your socks as a hat is probably a big no-no, too. And don't get me started on the advantages of respiration.**At 7.25, it was time to go.

So with my test off to a flying start, I cheerfully climbed into my father's car(had to try a few times before I realized that the trunk wasn't the entry point. and he drived me into the the SAT testing grounds(turns out to be my school)

*If you ever Google SAT and nightmares, you'll realize I'm not the only one.

**Really, you'll be amazed at the comforts other humans take for granted

I'm back.

2008-05-10T18:33:00.005-04:00

Leonardo notes:Guys, look, I'm sorry but the word-based ads will probably be lower quality than usual and/or be mildly suspicious from now onwards.

Hi, guys, since the SATs is over, Leonardo's back. In case you guys hadn't been on this blog since February* and wondering who the Halo**Leonardo is, I'm the writer of this blog. You know, Blogofanerd.blogspot.com? You don't know? Oh, well.

Look, I'm sorry I hadn't posted in quite a while. I miss you guys as much as you people(allegedly) miss my blog.

I wouldn't be seriously posting until June, but in the mean time, I'll try to post at least twice a week. See you, people! Love you, fans!!

*(a few millenniums by internet time)

**(latest word in my blog, means the place between heaven and hell computer nerds go to when they die)

Lack of Laptop Syndrome

2008-02-24T17:32:00.003-05:00

Note:Check out the dilbert comics.They're real funny.

You might have been wondering why I hadn't posted in the last weeks. That's because I had been banned access to the computer(I'm only typing in secret now).Currently, I'm often jittery, easily startled, types in thin air, shivery, loses focus easily, jumps whenever I hear a click, and seems drawn by instinct to radiation.

In other words, I'm suffering a severe case of Lack Of Laptop(LOL) syndrome. It's a pretty tramatizing experience. Whenever I have to talk to a friend, I have to manually dial numbers and use a phone. If I need to tell the time, I need to look at a watch. If I want to watch a movie, I have to dig all over the house for a remote control. If I want to do complicated math(Like, I had two eyes, one 'friend' threatens to punch my right eye, another threatens to give me a left black eye, a third threatens to give me two black eyes), I have to use pen and paper. If I have to find out the weather, I have to look out the window. If I have to cheat on next day's test, I, well...........nevermind.

My only hope is that the LOL disease isn't fatal. I would have reasearched it, but the catch is that I can't use the com. HELP!!!

Re-entering the US-Part 3

2008-01-26T17:27:00.000-05:00

Note:I added a new poll
Note2:If you can, post more Qs for the Ask The Nerd section so I could contuinue writing(You could email, comment or post them in the tagboard. Your call).

So, anyway, I took a 12 hourflight to Detroit. Man, this is getting ridiculous. Call me spoiled, but is it that much to want an entertainment system instead of 12-hours of doing nothing???Huh? To be fair to Northsouthern Airlines, they had a Projector TV. Which shouldn't have been that lousy, but there's a catch. They really don't have interesting shows. Who want to spend all their time watching a show called Starstruck?? A really bored teenager blogger who calls himself Leonardo with nothing better to do, that's who.

Anyway, when I finally got off the plane, I felt like I was in heaven. Then, we had to go through the checkpoint, which was kinda*censor*, erm...unexpected. Imagine a clean, tech, effecient, friendly checkpoint that barely have any lines. Yeah, that's what I did, imagine it, because the reality isn't like that. Quite the opposite in effect.

When I saw the size of the line(quenue), I was ready to give the country up to radicals like Obama and Yuanmashita). After 20 minutes in the line with no visible progress, I was ready to join them. By the time I got through a third of the line, I was screaming at them to @#$%^ hurry up. Anyway, it was ---- tiring standing in the line. That and I have the world's worst case of jet lag. So I must have drifted off(don't ask me how I managed to do so standing up), because the next thing I know, I was near the front of the line. In the big electronic billboard on top of the checkpoint, I saw the following words:"radicals led by the disgrunted general, Yuanmashita, has launched a major strike against the checkpoint. Flee!

I smiled to myself. No more standing in line! Of course, I had to pay Yuanmashita an arm and leg for the service, but it was worth it. I smiled in anticipation
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only catch is that I looked slightly ungainly without an arm or leg. Arrggghhh. Wait, an arm or leg??What happened to my other arm?For that matter, what happened to my other leg? For that matter, why can't I see my torso? While we're at it, why can't I see amnything????? And why do I feel as ifg my shoulder's shaking while I can't see anything?
------------------------------
"Wake Up!"somebody shook me awake. I opened my eyes. I was in front of the border official. I checked my watch. It was four hours after we landed. I was going to say something witty before the border checkpoint official interrupted.

"give me one reason why you would not be involved in a school shooting."he said

Uh-oh. Here we go again....

Re-entering the US-Part 2

2008-01-22T10:17:00.000-05:00

Note:Please read previous post.

After a really short flight and a really long wait(ironically, security's not too thick here), we got off the plane at Tokyo. We had some time before our next flight, so my dad and I went to catch up on our(delayed) lunch(as well as breakfast).

I was real thirsty so I asked the shopkeeper at one of the stalls for some water to drink. He brought a cup of water and said(in a hollibre accent):

Her' yo goe, wotel convenently form Toyo's taditeonalest' taps.

Me:Could I get a bottle of spring water?

Him: can no. Sprong watel chalge exta.

Me:okay, fine. How much does it cost?
He held up 5 fingers.I dug in my pockets for a five-yen coin.I paid him. He shook his head. I looked at the coin closely. It wasn't counterfeit. I'm sure of it!
Me:what's wrong?

Him:500 yen

Me:oh. Isn't that expensive?
Another tourist came by. he told me to relax, the exchange rate between Yen and USD^ is real low. i still wasn't convinced. Sure, i was in China, where every thing's cheap so it might be a psychological factor, still.... The shopkeeper(seeing my hesitation) offered me a whole !100! buck discount. I snapped up the deal immediately.

2 minutes later, after I mulled it over...

Me:Wait a minute. Did I just burn $4 on a cup of tap water?

We then proceeded to eat lunch. The noodles was cheaper, albeit only a little.
We ate lunch together. Him: Too little food, eh? I looked at the bowl. it looked like it's wide enough to feed a whole platoon of, well, mice*.
Me:Relax. it can't feed a platoon of soldiers, but it's more than ample for me.
I then proceeded to try to use my spoon to waddle a bit of soup. and then again. and again. After a lot, of effort, I finally manage to get a half-full spoon. Man, are these bowls shallow. Despite the length of a bucket on the outside, it's shallower than Quiswart's insults**!

Here concludes this post. Next post will feature the extreme effeciency(or lack thereof) of American customs and securities.

^one USD equals 100 yen.
*Technically, mice don't form themselves into platoons, but it's a figure of speech.
*an exageration, but not by much

Re-entering the US

2008-01-21T16:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so after an extremely extended visit in China, I'm flying back to the U.S. Which should have been pretty cool, but it isn't. Really. For starters, my plane ticket isn't a straight flight. It's from Beijing to Tokyo to Detroit to Washington D.C. For enders, our trip coincided with an international terrorist alert. In other words, not the most efficient flight(s) I've been in. Really.

In Beijing, we were called for a random security check. Four men in full-black suits searched our suitcases for an exhausting 11 minutes and 17 seconds(Yes. I timed it.) One of them seems particularly interested in my DVDs (conveniently bought at some place called "Li's Black Market"). I could just guess what he was thinking. I mentally steeled myself for the questionnaire by going through what he may say in advance.

Guy(holding up a DVD):What's that?
Me:It's a DVD

Guy:Our policy does not allow this type of C-

Just then, another black suited guy came up and had a whispered conference with the first one. From what I could hear, it seems a heated debate.
Guy:Like I said, Our policy does not allow this type of C-*discreet coughing from the other guy*, I mean DVDs.

Me:What type?

Him:Harmful, dangerous material.
Me:How is that dangerous?It's Tom&Jerry, for god's sake.

Him:Religion Alert!!!
Me:Oops. So what?
Him:Your passport says that you're a freethinker. Never mention God's name if you are not a believer. It shows disrespect to him.
Me:I object! God doesn't exist! Besides, you're supposed to be impartial
Him:Oh, re-
(A lightning bolt hit a tree only two feet away from the nearest window)
Me:O....k. I hereby withdraw my objection.

Him:Good. Now, back to the main point: Your CD clearly contains dangerous materials.
Me:How so?
Him:Let's see...intense violence, disrespect for figures of authority, events going against the order of nature, the small triumphing over the strong, possibility of bird flu through un-licensed, stray, illegal dogs, a made-in-china sign over a defective mouse trap ...the list just goes on and on.
Me:It's just a cartoon
Him: So what? Anyway, your CD-
Other Guy:whispers something angrily in chinese.

They had a heated discussion in private. I decided to use the time to make myself scarce.

(Hear concludes Part 1. The highlights of Part 2 includes overpriced water in Tokyo and Customs+Security check in Detroit. Keep tuned!)

Freedom!

2008-01-21T15:46:00.000-05:00

I always wondered at the meaning of true freedom. Now I know. It's in blogging. Now this might seem like an obvious answer from a nerd who blogs frequently. But it's not. At least, not really. I never appreciated the value of blogging until my recent stay in China, where .blogspot domains are banned for "security" reasons*. So now I'm gonna blog as much as I can and answer all of your questions and comments. Or at least I'll try. Have a great day reading!

*By some strange law, I could still access blogger. In other words, I could post, but I couldn't read my own posts or any comments or the tagboard. The logic, being, I presume, that people who gave milliatary secrets out or plan to co-ordinate terrorist attacks will lose all credibility if they didn't communicate effectively with their audience. Either that, or it's okay to post government/Party secrets but it's completely immoral and illegal to view them. makes sense

I'm back!

2008-01-21T05:40:00.000-05:00

I'm back. I had some problems on the airplane and customs that I'll post later. I also will have problems at school. I mean, I hadn't actually returned to school yet, but statistically speaking, it's bound to happen.

Just to clear things up.

2008-01-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

China's ~~Virtual Strong Arm~~ Helpful neighborhood online Police banned all .blospot domains. In other words, I can post, but I can't read my own blog. So sorry, but I can't reply to your comments/stuff in the tagboard. E-mail me(draconlord@gmail.com) if you have anything important to say.

I'll be back in the US in 3 days time, by which I'll(hopefully) post and read more.
Oh, and if there's somebody posing as me and saying obscene/stupid stuff, chances are, he's an imposter.

Ask The Nerd-Part 1

2008-01-08T22:36:00.000-05:00

Note:If you play Eternalduel(click on the right hand tab under "A Game", you might want to Imail me" http://www.eternalduel.com/view.php?id=241798")

Okay, here's the first part of "Ask The Nerd". These are real questions people asked me, although not necessarily in that order or actually under the "Ask The Nerd" Program.

Q:I'm kinda down on my luck right now. My friend's seem to be very lucky but completely unsympathetic.Care to help me?

Really Unlucky Guy in Vegas

A: Dear Ms. Unlucky,
Since you are in Vegas, a casino's only a few feet away. Persuade one of your friends that he is real lucky and to gamble and share a portion of their winnings with you. Once he gets addicted and lose everything he owns, you'll be pleased in knowing that you aren't the unluckiest guy you know.

Sincerely yours,
Leonardo

Q:I want to be a writer when I grow up but my dad wants me to be a lawyer like him. Help!
Wanna-Be Writer in Texas

A:Dear Mr. Wanna-Be,
Study your dad intensely. Analyze his every move to your best. A lawyer who wants to force other into his profession would be a great character for your first book.

Sincerely Yours,
Leonardo

Q:I wish I know what's the meaning of life.
Philosopher chatting in a forum

A:Dear Mrs.Chatting,
Find out how to use a dictionary
Sincerely Yours,
Leonardo

Q:People make fun of my name all the time. WHat should I do?
Andrew Dorkweed

A:Dear Madam Android,
Tell them that your name comes from having 17 generations of dorky ancestors. Trust me, no one will make fun of your name again.
Sincerely,
Leonardo

Q:What's the best way to refuse to answer stupid questions?
Really Annoyed Dude in Tuscumbia

A:Dear Sir Annoyed,
I'll tell you later.
Sincerely Yours,
Leonardo

Introduction to Ask The Nerd

2008-01-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I received a phone call from my blog manager(available conveniently at getafreeonlineunmotivatedemployeewhostatestheobviousinreturnfordownloadingspam.net). It went like this.

"Leo, I ....think....you...ought...to...change...your...style" she said.
I was obviously quite surprised, and to tell you the truth, upset.
"Why", I asked
"The amount of people who check your blog is slipping. Last week there was 12. Now it's down to 6"
Me:Is it 6 hundred or six thousand?
Her:Six. Just six.

I was kind of flustered 'cause I was one of the hits on the statCounter, my second computer was another, and 5 different friends and family members promised me that they read my blog recently. In short, I don't really have a public audience. So I'm out of ideas. Really. I thinked and thinked and thinked about this problem(I know it's grammatically incorrect. So sue me) and decided my blog need to be more interactive. So if you have a problem, just e-mail me at draconlord@gmail.com(There's a glitch that prevents me from reading comments or uploading my tagboard) and I'll answer you on my blog. Don't worry. I'll change your name so that you can remain anonymous if you want to.

Disclaimer

2007-12-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

All posts on this blog are considered fictional and are a result of the author's imagination Any resemblances to real persons, places, events or things are purely accidental or coincidental and are a result of the author's lack thereof.

Readers may assume my posts are real at their own risk.

*btw, I say this because my physics class classmates found out the url a couple of weeks ago.

Going to China-Part 2

2007-12-24T03:36:00.000-05:00

Note:This wasn't written in real time. Leonardo had this on his diary for quite some time but never got round to posting it for reasons I can't reveal. (This is Andy, safeguarding some part of Leo's e-diary)

Anyway, we had to stay in Tokyo for a while because our transfer flight didn't work as expected because of our previous delay . Which should be really lousy, but since the airline provided us with five-star hotel reservations, not really. And that's cool. Really. No joke about it. On a totally unrelated note, Yuanmashita gave me a parcel for just this scenerio. He gave a very evil laugh when doing so. Something about killing the {infideltraitorminister}. Werid

I'll write more but there are men in black outside the spa shouting "Get the **** guy who killed the Prime minister's twin brother!!!" I guess I'll just have to watch the f

Going to China-Part 1

2007-12-20T02:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I had to go to Beijing, China. Which should have been quite cool. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to a dry, freezing place filled with sand, destructive and dangerous winds, a pollution index of over 200, and entire buildings covered by layers of grime? Sounds like the perfect holiday place to me.

The problem is that my parents and I ain't the only people to think of taking advantage of such a brilliant place. Lots of other people are also just literally dying to buy tickets to tour China. That's why the only tickets to Beijing in our financial capabilities(under 5k) from the place I used to live in has to be transfered twice. Scary. At least I think its scary to be in unknown places with possible terrorist connections and definete language barriers. But that's just personal preferences. Some people might consider such to be the high point of their holiday. Really. These some people are highly recommended to take a vacation in Utopia.

Anyway, on the way to Tokyo from Detroit(So maybe I spelt it wrong. So sue me), the 747 had to stop in Alaska because somebody's package accidentally got on the plane without the passenger. Apparently it's neccessary to retrieve the package and stop the plane in mid-flight. Gee, a REALLY important package. Either that, or terrorist connections

I'll write more but the online systems charge by the minute

Utopia-Customs un-official

2007-12-11T17:02:00.000-05:00

Note that this is a collaboration post that continues the story told in here

Why the ****(oh, use your imagination) does Andy have to drive the car????Of all the people in the world, why do I have to get the most incompetent driver in the universe??? It's kind of scary when you consider that he probably broke down every single traffic rule in existence(never driver the wrong way in a one-way road, never drive on two lanes, never go over 110mph in a 20-year old car, never go past red lights when the light is already red for over two minutes, just to name a few). It's ridiculous. And terrifying. Within ten minutes, I'm shutting my eyes and hoping that, by some miracle, I'll survive. Within 15, I revised my hope to a quick death.

I guess I must have gotten asleep, because we were already in California's international airport when Andy woke me up(not directly. it was the collision that done it). As for how we could have covered a 3-day journey during the time of my nap, I do not want to know. Really. It's just a little bit intimidating.

On the bright side, both of us got out of the car before it transformed from transportation machine into nuclear furnace. Lucky us. Then we had to go past customs. (We had different lines so I had no idea how his went). Anyway, the dude at the checkpoint stopped me. He said, "I heard the US customs official stopped you on alleged terrorist charges." Me:"Kinda" Him: "This is serious." Me: "Gee, do you think? But he was an incompetent excuse of a customs official" Him: So what do you Koreans want to do in Utopia? Bomb Borgia Tech?
Here we go again......

Fortunately, after a lot of useless words, the conversation came to this:
Him:Are you a insane homeland-terrorist serial killer?
Me:As I said the first couple hundred times, no.
Him: Then why are you Korean??
Me:I'm F@ckiing Chinese!!!!
Him:Right.
Me:Fine. fine. I'm, a terrorist. happy?
Him: Okay. You could go now.
Me: Huh?
Him: Our local government has a very strong anti-terrorist stance. if there aren't at least a few terrorists stirring up stuff, they might potentially lose an re-election.

Besides that, the process went smoothly until I was walking to the pre-appointed place to meet Andy.

A slick-looking guy with a counterfeit tuxedo, a suitcase in one hand and a brochure in the other stopped me. "Well, well, sir. You look like an intelligent man. Do you know how dangerous planes are?." He waved the brochure under my nose "Perhaps you'd like to purchase our premium health insurance policy??"

I was about to refuse. But they I thought of our trip to California. If that's the amount of damage one idiot could do with a car, imagine the effect of an incompetent airplane pilot. I reached for the brochure. Him: Just one minor question before we start. What airline do you use? Me: Ermmm...Deathtrap Airlines
Quick as a snake, he snatched the brochure from my hand. "I can't insure them!" he screeched, "They are the worst!!"

I walked away and shrugged, consoling myself that there wouldn't be any dangers. While walking, I slipped and fell. Hard. Not a very auspicious beginning.

Over(Or not. Your call)

Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 2)

2007-12-10T22:03:00.000-05:00

"YEAH!!I WON 2 TICKETS!!" I said
Andy:WE WON 2 TICKETS!
Me:WE??It's my ticket! I paid for it!
Andy: Well, who's coming with you?Your parents?
Me:No. For starters, my girlfriend
Andy:You don't have a girlfriend
Me:Totally irreverent. I have pretty high hopes that Karen will like me sooner or later
Andy:Yeah. When pigs fly.
Me:How did you guess what she said?
Andy:Lucky guess. Seriously, you don't have much of a hope.
Me: Yes I do. I'm hedging my bets on the cross-genetics of a bat-pig.
Andy:Right. But you need to take a break from all that genetics. So we might as well go to Utopia
Me:Fine. I'll just check the website out. On the link they gave(BeckandBillchips.com/randomcheapskateprize/Utopia/Lowclass/superlow/brochure), It said:

Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides chauffeured transportation straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! Organic carpets!Antique furniture! A unique furnishing design in your rooms! Your own tv and refrigerator! Private bathing facilities! Great food! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!

It also gave a phone number
Me:You call.
Over.

Utopia-Prologue to the Storm(Part 1)

2007-12-10T21:46:00.000-05:00

I promised Andy that I'll visit him in The President's Inn. Within ten minutes, I regretted the decision. Since I'm not legally old enough to drive by myself, I have to do a combination of walking and taking a bus. Which is okay, except that the place here is cold. And when I say cold, I don't mean cold. I mean COLD .As in reaaaallll cold. At least it wouldn't be that cold in the hotel, I thought. First mistaken assumption of the day.

When I arrived at the President's Inn, I found that THEY HADN'T TURNED ON THE THERMOSTAT. Which is bad. Really bad. Oh, and to top it off, they had the air-conditioning pouring cold air. At full blast. Andy mentioned that the people here are unfashionable, but this is taking out-of-season to a whole new level. Anyway, I was hungry and wanted to grab a bite to eat. So I did. The only problem is that the cafeteria's serving ice cream. So I went to one of these old chips machines. You know, one of the 25-cents for a moldy chip bag chips? Yeah, those types. On the top of the packet, it says {Win a ticket for two to Utopia}. Personally, I'll feel lucky just to win a full, unspoilt bag of chips.

Anyway, I got into Andy's hotel room after my purchase. "What took you so long?" he asked. Me:"Two late buses, three accidents, one avalanche and an old lady's groceries." Him: "Oh"
He grabbed my bag of chips and proceeded to tear it open with his teeth. Yuck, I thought. Anyway, I didn't feel like getting the bag back(wonder why). So I changed the subject. We were talking about his experiences as a bus driver when he choked.

After a lot of sputtering from both of us(one of us was laughing while the other's coughing. Guess who), a plastic sheet popped out of his mouth. It said

Congratulations!You have won a pair of tickets and two-weeks worth of free hotel reservations to Utopia!

Collaboration Posts

2007-12-10T21:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, me and Andy are planning to write about our adventures in Utopia together so that our readers could read both our blogs and to entertain you guys more. Of course, as with any effort between two people, there are rules

1. Don't hog your time
~Both of us will try to post within 24 hours of each other

2.Be logical
~Duh! Of course, this doesn't mean that it has to be completely logical. Just stuff that relatively narrow-minded people find within the realms of possibility

3.This operates like an RP
~We are kind of role playing, but unlike forum games, the main objective is humor. Also, using the first person tense is allowed and even recommended

4.Whenever one of us finishes posting, end with an "Over"
~self-explanatory

5.Recall
~If one of us write about something that completely change the story in a way that the other poster could not live with, we can issue an recall after careful discussion

6.Be funny!
~The Golden rule of any humor blog

One-Liners

2007-12-09T20:55:00.001-05:00

Here are some one-liners based upon a \dude/ called Chen Qi Hang. Sure they are a little childish, but hey, if you read the tagboard, so is \he/. Btw, they are all made up by yours truly or his friends so they are more or less original.

His head is so empty, vacuum gets sucked in there.
When he dies, the world's average IQ went up by two.
If he's any dumber, he'll be an non-living organism.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, he'll own you five bucks.
The only one in the world less manly than him is his boyfriend.
If stupidity's a crime, his extended family and local government will be on death role for harboring a criminal.
He's even dumber than he looks. Trust me, that's saying something.
When Einstein created the theory of relativity, he made a major flaw. Everything is superior to CQH.
What's the difference between CQH and a bucket of sh!t? Some will say the bucket, but that's a major insult to sh!t.
He is so ugly, he gave Tylenol a headache.
On his way home from burger king, he went to a Costume contest by accident. They said "sorry, no professionals"
When he went to the local "village fool" contest, the police arrested him for indecency in a public place. He revealed his mask.
When the police arrested him, all the inmates screamed and ran out.
He made a lawyer sue herself after realizing she represented him.
When he looked into his mirror, the glass cracked.

His parents committed a major crime against humanity.
The only reason why he's going to Hell is because God won a bet.
He's a living reason why people converts into atheism.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking
Only beat 2 million other sperm because of a loophole in the rules.
Scientists originally considered him as a virus because viruses are half-nonliving objects. Then they found out about the other half.
When people called his home phone and ask to speak to the master of the house, his cat answered.

To Think like a Writer-Part One

2007-12-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

An important thing about being a writer is thinking like a writer. In fantasy, for instance, impact with the audience by creating vivid and powerful images/characters is vital. A good fantasy story should capture the imagination of the reader to the fullest. For instance, here is two possible ways to describe the same thing(the second one is a direct quotation of a book I'm writing).

1)The house was quiet and calm.
2)In the house, all was calm, but a deadly calm, like the few seconds of peace before a storm.

Of course, that doesn't mean that a writer has to use complicated phrases or words, only that he must use them to the maximum effect. For instance, the clinché dark lord is always referred as "The Dark Lord, The Dark One, Mordred, Satan, Loki, etcetera." This is the principle of understated power, the idea that two or three syllables could deliver more power than hundreds.

Like this.

Now, to the main point of this blog:humor. In most(some say all) cases of humor, something unexpected must occur. To think like a writer, one must have a instinctual sense for the unexpected. Also, ironically, clinchés are used the most often in humor, because humor uses cliches to the maximum effect, by replacing a common idiom with an unexpected one.

Now, to think like a writer, give the most unexpected answers to the following Q's(I'll give examples at the end)

1)You are in a dark alley where you see a couple of guys robbing another one. You have only a toy gun. What do you do?

2)If life gives you lemons, _________

3)Life is a bowl of cherries_________

Sample answers
1)Is Karen there?(It's good because of being totally unexpected as well as being completely open-ended. It really allows the readers to use their imagination. Nerds see a nerdy meaning. people with morals see a moral ending, sadists see a sadistic one, horny people see a obscene ending, etc)

2. choke on them and die..... you stupid lemon eater!(Perfected by Scot Adams)

3)My stupid little cousin ate them all or the bad one in the center spoils the whole thing or it's tastiest when mashed together and beat into pudding.

The Girl I Like-Part 7

2007-12-08T16:12:00.000-05:00

Over time, and certain unfunny events I'd rather not talk about, (even though she didn't exactly say so) I'm pretty sure now that she doesn't like me. How sad. So that's that, I guess. Obviously I'm not pleased with the outcome. *shrugs* Anyway, from a reader's point of view, it's probably unfair that such a long(and remarkably, considering it's serious context, funny) series will have such an boring and anticlimax ending. It's even sadder when you consider that this is literally the most popular series of my blog. So sue me. Anyway, if you want to read the entire series, it's here(in chronological order):

A girl I like
A girl I like-Part 2
Nerdmares
A girl I like-Part 3
A girl I like-Part 4
Best School Day ever!!
A girl I like-Part 5
Murphy's Stupid Law
A girl I like-Part 6
A girl I like-Part 7

Or you can just click on the link on the bottom of this post(the one on the right of labels). Your call.

P.S.Sometimes, when fact gets boring, imagination takes over. So to be fair to you guys, I'll post on ways that she could have rejected me instead of the actual truth:

Me: Out with it. If you don't like me, just turn around, look at me straight in the eye, and say so.
She turned around, looked at me and said: I like you, but I just don't like you.
Me:Fine. Could we be friends?
Her:No.
Me:People who sit at the same table?
Her:Nope.
Me:Classmates?
Her:Nah.
Me:People who know each other well enough to say high?
Her: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of like as in some stranger who held the door open for me.
Me:Oh. On the bright side, at least you own me something.
Her:Good point.I'll ask my friend to help you open the door on your way out of the cafeteria.
Me:Could you at least do it yourself?
Her:Do I look as if I want to be within three feet of you?

Later...
Me:There's still a glimmer of hope
Mark:Really?
Me:Yeah. She looked at me in the forehead, not in the eyes.

History-The Utopian Civil Wars

2007-12-06T13:57:00.000-05:00

Now, class, this is the BoaN parody of a history class. Pay attention. Thanks! Don't pretend to read this post while dozing off. I'm talking to you. Yes, you!! Don't act innocent!So pay attention! Sit up straight

Anyway, as avid history students already knew, Utopia was founded in the dawn of time. At least, that's what it says on the Utopian history book. An alternative theory was once advanced that Bill Gates founded the country as a cultural test tube for computers, but no proofs have been advanced, other than the obvious.*

The first Utopian Civil War began in 1924. It was a war that was aptly known as the color wars, a complex battle fought between "Reds" and "Blues." The reason behind the war is complex and intriguing, but it basically boils down to this: The "Reds" believe that red is the best color whereas the "Blues" are naturally inclined to favor the color blue. Extremely intelligent arguments were given by both sides to support their thesis, for instance "Human blood is red. Red is the chosen color for the noble race","Since the sky is blue, god has favored his children to be blue. Duh!" and "Even a idiot knows that red's the coolest color out there. If you don't believe that, you are a even dumber idiot than a idiot." and other intelligent comments like that.

By the fall of 1940, the entire country, despite attempts to secure peace from both sides and neutrals like greens and blacks trying to save the nation, was like a metaphorical powder keg. Only one spark would be enough to set the entire country exploding. That spark was started in Dumbsville. A Red politician, Mr.Crimson and a Blue politician, Mr. Azure were just entering peace talks when, to his shock and horror, Mr. Crimson saw that Azure's socks were showing! Not only that, but they are blue! Believing that to be a deliberate insult to his affiliation, Mr.Crimson immediately reacted in what he believed to be the most appropriate way: He punched Mr.Azure. Red blood spilled out of Azure, and believing it to be a sign of heaven, Crimson led his forces into a merry way of destruction against all Blues, ransacking their homes, spray-painting everything red and destroying anything they could find.

So began the most violent war in Utopian history. Between 0 and three billion casualties(depending on who you believe) was caused by this war. Men, women and children were slaughtered mercilessly. Neutrals were often caught in the crossfire. Accusations of betrayal were common, and anyone caught using the opponents color were denounced as traitors and subsequently hanged. Indeed, within the first few months of the war, Blue generals made it mandatory for all soldiers to carry swabs of cotton so that their blood could be wiped
away to reduce the risk of friendly fire. During the later part of the war, the Reds made an unsuccessful(fortunately) nuclear mission to annihilate the ocean so "That big patch of b!ueness wouldn't have to interfere with our b!@# eyes."

The war was finally ended when both sides ran out of ink and dyes and decided to sign a peace treaty using a black pen**. The treaty now hangs in the National Monument Park(or at least it did, until it was stolen)

*Utopian language is based on binomial, a language of 0s and 1s. However, their mathematics is rather backward and their religion prohibits belief in 0s, so their language is effectively a language of 1s. A typical Utopian sentence would be the following:
1111 1 1 1 11 1 1111 1111 11 1 1111 1 1 1 1 11 11 11 1111111111111111 1 1 1 1 1 1111 111 1 1 1 1 1 11 1 11 1 11 1 111.

**That is what is said in contemporary history books. Blues still claim they won in February 30th, or F-Day, whereas Reds claim that they have eradicated the color Blue completely and that our current blue is just a pale imitation of red

Quotes

2007-12-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

It's better to keep silent and make people think you are a idiot than to start talking and remove the benefit of a doubt-Urban Legend

Okay, the following are real quotes taken from my classmates. They are jumbled up so that you couldn't guess the quoter too easily. Note:A few of them are made by your truly.

"I am the God of gods"
"Are you deaf as well as dead?"
"Your pimple is larger than your nose"
"The square root of pi is negative 12"
"Still thinking... kind of lost"
"The claw of Viperazor will annihilate all"
"Are you crazy?You want to play com three days before the finals...wanna play chess, lah?"
"I am the Guardian of Destruction"
"My soul is in the cards"
"Legal=Moral"
"Ryan's so stingy he can't even buy his own food...mind if I borrow your fries?"
"The human brain is a fragile and extremely potent machine that...d@mn, I forgot my lines"
"The place is so old, the Da Vinci code is in the first edition...wait, that doesn't sound right"
"Did you know that your car broke down in front of the lobby..wait, today's march 31st. Never mind, I'll tell you later."
"Trust me, you do not want to know"
"My pet crocodile made me eat mine homework"

Snow

2007-12-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

Note:This is my attempt to borrow Andy-ish elements to create a post

This story is about snow*

*In case you don't know what snow is(because you live in warm places like Africa, South America, Australia, South Asia, Singapore and/or Hell), snow is a natural phenomenon commonly occurring in cold places. It, for unknown reasons, generally go down, not up. Snow is useful for building snowman, snowball fights, making a picturesque scenery by covering the dirt, jamming cars, etc.

Now back to the story. The story began when I woke up(well, it technically began millenniums ago in the clouds and seas and stuff, but that's another story). I woke up because the alarm bell was threatening to light-saber my head open if I do not(In retrospect, I should have been clearer to the guy on Ebay when i purchased a Sci-Fi themed clock). Anyway, when I woke up and looked out of the window I saw that everything was white. I was really groggy and my first reaction was that I was dreaming. I pinched myself. No reaction. I pinched my self a bit harder. Still no feelings. Then I pinched myself REAL HARD. OUCH!! So I guess I'm not dreaming after all. So, it's snow.

Which should have been pretty cool. But it wasn't. Not really. Because our car was covered with snow. My dad pressed his starter chip thingy. It didn't work. So we have to open the car manually. So he pulled the driver-side door. And pulled it. And pulled it the third time. D@mn! The snow glued the car together. So after a long time and a very complicated process involving three more people, a lever and a lot of curses by four people at one guy(hint:I'm not the curser), we finally got the door open and the windows' snow scrubbed. Which is pretty cool. So my father drove me to school. Well, 'drove' is putting it mildly. 'Slid' would be a far more accurate term. Gee, my neighborhood snow car drivers are really lazy. In retrospect, encouraging my dad to buy really cool race-car wheels was a bad idea.

When we got to school, the school turned out to be closed. The good news: I have time to work on my blog now
The bad news: The opptunity is ripe for NDEs on the way home.

Another Poll

2007-12-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, in the current poll of "How often do you check my blog?," three people voted. Also, according to StatCounter, I have over 20 unique viewers per week. Weird.

So here's the poll results and my analysis:
1 person voted once a week
1 person voted almost every day
1 person voted several times a day

In conclusion, there is one guy who likes my blog,
one guy who really don't have a life,
and I accidentally voted on my own poll.

Oh, and I have 17 procrastinators reading my blog.
So, if you don't want to be labeled as a procrastinator , vote on the next poll!

A True Yugoslavian Story-Frucking Transit

2007-12-03T17:06:00.000-05:00

Check this godly thing out!!!

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. ~Lao Tzu

The public transport system has yet to have fatal accidents.That's about the only thing good I could say about it.A friend of mine has gone through these in detail...You may read them http://fictionauthor.blogspot.com/2007/02/public-transport-final-frontier.html">at
I,on the other hand would not bother to do the bigger details.I'll just type about what happened a coupla days ago.

Ok,one fine Wednesday while wearing FULL SCHOOL UNIFORM and trying my best to tie a tieI was groggy and went to the bus stop.I waited for,like,half an hour(I used the time to sleep) before the Fr*aking bus finally arrived.As usual,I payed in change and was about to climb the stairs when the bus driver stopped me and said(with a hokkien accent):where got student pass?
Me:Sir,I don't have
Him:No pass,can't prove you student.Pay adult fare
Did I mention I was wearing full schoool uniform?(yeah,with the nerdy tie and all).Now,I was kinda tired and didn't feel like saying anything.Now,if I had,I would have used my poweress of scarasm and the coversation would have been like this:
Me:(pointing towards my uniform):NUSHS apparently stands for Nuclear Underground Society of Hyper Scientists and I'm about to attend an illegal meeting while everyone else my age is going to school.That is so likely.
Bus driver:huh?speak in Enlish.
Me:I got pass and I particularly feel like paying an extra ten cents and waste more time paying coins.Yes,it's an hobby of mine,donating to SMRT.
Bus driver:you go

Unfortunately I was kinda sleepy so I wasn't able to do anything with my `silver toungue'.So I decided to be tolerant and payed him the adult fare(well,I often wondered if they accept chocolate money.Apparently, they do.

A Girl I Like-Part 6

2007-11-27T19:55:00.000-05:00

"This is a random quote"-random guy

This is the really complicated story of what happened yesterday:

So, anyway, I was just standing in the lunch line, minding my own business when a ~~black~~ African American dude(I forgot his name. Sorry) came up to me and asked me if I liked Karen(not her real name). Anyway, I considered lying but decided against it.

I was wondering if she liked me. She said yes. Well, technically, she didn't say it to me in person. She said it to that guy I was referring to earlier(The Whats-his-name guy). Well, technically, it was more of a implication than actually referring to me. Well, technically, it was more of a slight tilt of the head than actual words. Well, technically....oh, forget it. The point is, she said yes!!!yeah!

Anyway, that whats-his-name dude called me and said (in a loud voice), "She said yes!!!" Which is kinda weird. I walked toward them a few steps, but decided against it. I looked at them. She was kinda looking everywhere but me(Gee, maybe she has an eye problem. I'll call the optician or something). He was giving me an expectant look. It went on for about half a minute. I finally became a bit curious(Right).

Me:Am I supposed to do something??!
Him:Yeah..Go on, hug her. You know you want to.

I looked at her. She looked at me. Wait, that's kinda grammatically incorrect. It's more like she gave me a look than looked at me. Trust me, there's a difference. A big one. The point is, I decided not to push my luck after all. Hm. Wonder why.

Anyway, after a while in the lunch line(Translation:25 minutes. Maybe my school's cafeteria is just a little bit inefficient), I got my food and walked towards her table. A chair next to her is empty. How thoughtful. I said hi. She said hi back. I kinda got tongue-tied. But that's okay. Maybe she thinks I'm the strong but silent types. Maybe. I doubt it, but hey. I ate my lunch in silence. After only a few minutes, the bell rang. Man, is time short around here.

Today, I looked for her and she was absent. Maybe she eewent to s an optician after all.

Worst jobs out there

2007-11-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

Note that this accompanies the previous posts by listing some of the worst jobs out there.

5)Assistant to the Bosses' Son
Description:Not the easiest job in the world
Exceptions to the Rule:You really want to change companies

4)Job: Skunk Roadkill Removal Team
Description: Doesn't exactly smell like roses.

Exceptions to the Rule: a)You have no sense of smell b)You need an explanation for your body odor c)You REALLY need a job

3)Job: Assasins Target Practice
Description: Not exactly the safest job in the world. Quite the opposite in effect. It really is a little dangerous. And you better hope the guy who practice on you is a new guy AND he didn't play too much counter-strike. Good luck!

Exceptions to the Rule:You are real fast. Or real lucky. Or you wanna die. Or all three.

2)Job:Nuclear Weapons Sensitivity Detector.
Description: Really, really, bad. Trust me. You'll either die or have a possibility of genetic mutation(or leave your decedents with eleven toes)

Signs that your boss is trying to trick you into this job:"We need you to help us do a field test on one of our industrial products. Don't worry, the inspectors had a glowing report"

Exceptions to the Rule: a)You are insane b)You really hate your wife. c)Your life is so desperate that you'll risk almost certain death with a chance of being a superhero d)You are already about to die and wants to save a few watts for the funeral. e)You love practical jokes and you hate the undertaker

1)Andy's Operator
Description: Low pay, low possibility of promotion, high chances of dying or getting fired or both(often simultaneously), what more do you want?

Exceptions: Easy, Virtually Guaranteed, painfully humiliating death-seekers.

Best jobs out there

2007-11-22T20:06:00.000-05:00

Like, I was talking about my future career with my guidance counselor. Actually, he was talking and I was trying to stay awake. Which might not be exactly the same thing, but hey. Anyway, I went home and thought about it, and I came up with the five best jobs I could think of(Listed in no particular order).

1. Bill Gate's Hedge Fund Manager.
Explanation: The commission is just brilliant. Even if it's only .1%, that's still a couple thousand a day. And don't let me get started on the benefits...
Suitable Personalities:Math geeks. Or at least non-flunkers. Accidentally forget to add a few 0s and you are in real trouble

2.Professional Executioner.
The wages are real high, and unlike other high-paying jobs like doctors or lawyers, there's no real responsibility. I mean, the dude's gonna die anyway, so why bother? You don't need any job training either. How hard is it to push the button?
Suitable Personalities: Just about anyone. A lot of people need to see their personal psychiatrist after a job, but psychiatrists aren't that expensive after all. Bonuses if you are Yuanmashita(saves psychiatrist fees AND could actually celebrate after each job)

3.Computer game tester
You get paid to play games months before your friends. Need I say more?
Suitable Personalities:People who know how to turn on a computer.

4. Lifeguard for swimsuit models.
Besides the obvious visual benefits, you can earn some spare cash by bringing your cell phone camera alone(Opps. Shouldn't have said that). Anyway, unlike other jobs, you actually want real work for this job. Hey, how cool is it to give a mouth-to-mouth?
Suitable Personalities: You gotta have some muscles so people can actually believe you are a lifeguard(but don't rule out hot air balloons on interview day).

5. Operator at automated refilling stations.
Not much pay, but no work at all!
Suitable Personalities:Anyone who don't mind a minor stench. Or the occasional fireball.

Answers, Ratings and Explanations to Previous Post

2007-11-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

Note:Refer to previous post.

Correct Answers as Follows:
1.b
2.a
3.e
4.d
5.c
6.a
7.d
8.d

Explanations:
1)I'm a com nerd. Need I say more?

2) 'Cause I feel like it, that's why

3)None of the above. Shoot Yuanmashita. Twice.

4)I don't have a good reason. Juat a personal preference.

5)I'm a guy who writes, blogs and talks but I'm not much of a 'doer'

6)He's a great singer! All of his parodies are funny!

7)It's a sad truth I have to bear with.

8)Okay, so maybe this question isn't exactly subjective

Rating:
0 correct~You don't know me. Really.
1 correct~That was pure luck
2 to 3 correct~You know me. albeit barely
4 to 7~You are a good friend of mine.
8~Now where exactly did you put the spy camera?

How well do you know me?

2007-11-18T17:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, this post might seem just a little(okay, maybe more than a little) selfish/narcissistic but I'm wondering how well you, like, know me. To answer this complicated, philosophical, question, just answer some Q's on the following quiz.(write the answers on a Notepad/Typepad and refer to tehm on the next post.)

1. Which of the following do I love the most?
a)My house
b)My com
c)Sports
b)books
e)none of the above

2. What would be the square root of negative pi?
a)dunno
b)dunno
c)dunno
d)dunno
e)none of the above

3. In a situation where I'm stuck in an locked room with Hitler, Stalin, King Kong and Yuanmashita and a gun with two explosive bullets, what do I do?
a)shoot Hitler and Stalin
b)Shoot Stalin and Yuanmashita
c)Pauses to reflect...and BOOM!
d)Shoot the chandelier with one bullet, the lock with the other, and RUN!
e)none of the above

4) Which one of the following is my favorite games?
a)Warcraft and World of Warcraft
b)Counterstrike and Delta Fighter
c)Heli Attack and Minesweeper
d)Pardus and Civ IV
e)none of the above

5) If there's a guy with a "Kick me" sign on his back, what do I do?
a)Politely inform him of the information
b)Kick him once, then stop
c)Add a "Punch me" sign as well.
d)Kick him. And keep kicking. Even when he removes it.
e)none of the above

6) Which of the following is my favorite singer?
a)Weird Al
b)50 Cents
c)Hubert
d)Britney Spears
e)none of the above

7) Which of the following is the reason I gave for society's lack of funny nerds?
a)The two personalities don't match, like an amoeba that's allergic to water.
b)The unfortunate tendency for our kind to die unnatural deaths
c)The inability to find a mate.
d)all of the above
e)none of the above

8) Why did I create such a boring test?
a)Because I am a @#%$ing idiot.
b)Because I feel like it, that's why.
c)No idea.
d)No idea, but it's a perfectly good reason.
e)none of the above

Answers and explanations are given on the next post.

Funny comics and youtube movies

2007-11-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

Dilbert videos

Boring stuff

2007-11-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

Note:Do not read this if you think 1+2=3

Ads-Bored to death? Need a vacation? Go here now for more details!!

Have you ever been bored enough to be blogging in a boring blog with only a few, presumably dumb readers(so dumb that they didn't even realize I called them dumb!)?

Well, I had. It's an intriguing and shocking experience that honestly tests the limits of humanity. I mean, why do people stay alive despite stuff that would honestly bore just about everybody to death? That's THE QUESTION. Gee, I am bored. And a bit upset. it's a delicate balance. Being bored but not too bored so that I wouldn't think about stuff that really upsets me. Trying to do something that will mildly intrigues me so that I wouldn't get too bored and starts thinking.

It's hard. So, anyway, I'm settled on typing to idiotic blog-readers with nothing to do. That means every reader of this blog except you, who's smarter than all the other readers.

I made you feel superior, didn't I?

Murphy's Stupid Law

2007-11-13T18:20:00.000-05:00

Quote: "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong"- Eddie Murphy

I kinda sat down at Karen's table yesterday. I thought it would be pretty straightforward. Like, sh either likes me or don't and would tell me directly. Of course, there's Murphy's stupid law to contend with. I subconsciously knew something like this might have happened, but I didn't really believe it.

I was kinda nervous so my voice was a bit smalll
Me: Like, hi
Her: ....
Me: Did you see my letter?
Her: .....
Me: Do you, erm.. like me?
Her: ....
Me: Could you, like, say something?
Her: ....
Me: Just try to answer my question. Yes or no?
Her: ......
Me: The suspense is killing me
Her: ....
Me: Could you at least look at me?
Her: ....
Me: This conversation is not going the way I expected.
Her: ..........

To make it worse, everybody from her table(and quite a few from other tables) were looking at us from the corner of their eyes(sometimes without the corner part). Gee. Perhaps today isn't going to be the best day of my life after all.

A girl I like-Part 5

2007-11-12T18:45:00.001-05:00

Note:I'm kinda tired of saying this, but the names of this post, as with all others on my blog, are concealed to protect privacy. So don't, for instance, expect her name to actually be Karen(Although it could be something close)

I gave Karen a love letter on Friday.

Well, actually I gave one to her several weeks ago. But she didn't reply. There's a lot of possible reasons for that. Since I put the piece of paper in her jacket's hood, she probably didn't notice it. Or maybe she hadn't thought of unfolding that origami. Or maybe she couldn't read Chinese. Or maybe she hadn't thought of de-coding the invisible ink. Or my invisible ink pen had broken and it became literally invisible. Or maybe it's a mirror-writing thing. Or, well, you get the idea.

So I thought I'd be just a little bit more direct this time. So I wanted to write a love letter(a real one this time, not just "I love you" in mirror-written, invisible, Chinese). So I was kinda out of ideas. I asked my friend Andy for help. In retrospect, Andy's almost the last person a dude would ask for help and advice for this type of stuff. But I wasn't thinking clearly. So here went
our brilliant conversation

Me:Like, I need help, for y'know...
Him: Use humor. It helps lighten the situation.
Me: Really?
Him: For instance, compare her face with a b-
Me:Hey!!
Him: It's a figure of speech. It worked for me..
Me: Really.
Him: Yeah. My group leader always forced me to do all the work on the project and stuff. After I made that figure of speech in public, so far, she hadn't made me type a single extra letter than I have to.
Me: I hate to break it to you, but that's not the type of relationship I want.
Him:Oh.Oops.

Anyway, in the end, it took me quite a while to figure out what to write. After some time, I got a good idea and wrote what I liked about her(for obvious reasons, I wouldn't disclose what I wrote).

So I put the letter I wrote in her book bag. The end.

Oh, and I just realized I forgot to put my name. Oops.

By the way, I Googled "Love poems" and none of them seem to be funny, not even a little bit. So I created my own. Note:If, for some reason, you know her real name, the poem probably sounds better if you use her real name instead of 'Karen'

There's this girl I really like
(Her name's Karen Li).
Which really kinda suck
'Cause I don't think she like me

Whenever she smile her beautiful smile,
I feel like I flown up at least a mile
It could be kind of dangerous,
Especially if a guy's not too cautious

I thought I'll write her a letter,
My friend Andy suggested humor.
I can't think of anything better,
So I followed as per rumor.

I want to write more of this poem,
But I have writer's block
So right here I'll stop this poem,
And I'll finish it some other time

_________________________________________
The poem is kinda lousy, but I don't think it will win any "Lousy Poem of the Year" awards yet. Too bad.

Seriously though, she would probably reply tomorrow. I hope you guys could wish me luck. Really. Personally, I'm optimistic. After all, what's the worst thing that can happen? There's only two foreseeable scenerios:
1)She likes me. Obviously, that's the Best Case Scenario.
2)She'll privately (or get her friend) to inform me that she doesn't. In which case, I'll at least know for sure and wouldn't actually be worse off than I am right now.
Either way, nothing too bad can come out of this.

Of course, there's still Murphy's stupid Law to contend with

Signs that your school isn't as great as you think it is

2007-11-12T17:39:00.000-05:00

Here are subtle signs that your school might be a tad unsuitable.
Note:I know the basic idea isn't too original. So sue me.
1)The teacher is just a little sadistic.
Example given;
"As y'all may have already known from the Es and Fs on your report card, I consider attention to be a very important part of my class. This semester, your grades would be determined by a randomly selected, one question, oral exam. If y'all don' t give the answers I would give, then y'all would flunk... We have a new student in our class. Leonardo, which country did you say you were from?

2)The facilities are just a little un-hygienic
Example: You were trying to get the water fountain to work- without success. So you asked the janitor why.
Him: The toilets and water fountains, and pipes and stuff are connected.
You:I thought, like, it's only the door of the restroom that's broken?
Him: Exactly, there's nobody to flush the toilet. Of course you can't drink water.
You: Never mind. I'll get a soda

3)Some of the classes are a bit penny-pinching
Example: For Arts&Crafts, you have to work in a hot, smelly, chemical-ridden place with poor lighting called a weatshop

4)The school isn't too safe
Example: You were walking down a hallway when somebody told you that you were in the Dead Rabbit's Gang territory. You didn't take him seriously until he pulled a cylindrical, silver device with a trigger and a safety(conveniently off). You were about to get panicked when some other dude came around and argued that the third floor west wing belonged to them. They started making extremely intelligent arguments.
Guy 2: You guys are gonna be as dead as a rabbit if you don't move!
Guy 1: Oh, yeah?! You dudes are as yellow as a tiger before I even bring my gun up!Hee-Haw!
The guy not holding a silver thingy drew out a knife. Only it probably wasn't a vegetable knife. It looked kinda like a vegetable knife, but it's a lot longer. Oh, and it looks sharper, has a jeweled hilt, and two edges.
You decided to make a break for it before things really starts to get violent

5)The temperature has minor problems
Example: Whenever you get excited, something pools at your feet. Turns out increased expiration causes more carbon dioxide. At your school's temperature, more carbon dioxide=more dry ice

6)The classes aren't too easy
Example: Please turn to page 55. The question is : If y squared n+5 times the abosolute value of x prime divide by pi and..... I think you guys would have to read the remaining ten pages of the equation by yourself...

The Poll

2007-11-11T17:12:00.000-05:00

Ads-Give a gift for your sweetheart that will last for all eternity and be a tribute to your everlasting love! Comes with a one-week warranty.

As you guys may have already noticed, the poll has already ended for several weeks but I didn't delete or change it(Because I'm lazy). Anyway, since I'm deleting it today here's the results(for future reference):

It's the greatest work of wrinting since... hey, you are number 1!-0 people
A work of art..a masterpiece in the making-3 people
I love it!-4 people
It's good. Not great, but good-0 people
So-so-2 people
Just one word for it:Lousy-1 person

I've seen worse. But then again, I work as an English teacher in the school for the criminally insane-1 person
There are two major types of WMD's in the world, Nukes and your blog. For the sake of world peace, let's destroy both!-1 person

Conclusion:
The voters include:
3 extremely intelligent people with very good taste,
4 smart people with good taste,
2 average people,
1 guy who doesn't know how to use the dictionary,
1 guy who has a really lousy job and deserves it and
1 Lith

To be fair, my analysis might not be overwhelmingly impartial and objective.

1

50th post

2007-11-10T14:39:00.000-05:00

Finally, through rain and hail, Sun and Java, I've got to the 50th post! Yipee!Woo-Hoo!*Celebrates by jumping for 100 times*

Anyway, the great deed wouldn't have been possible without:
Andy- We give each other more ideas than he could count(To be fair, he's not exactly Archimedes). Anyway, without Andy's help, a lot of my posts wouldn't be as funny as they are.

Lith-Thanks to his constructive comments(which reminds me of Einstein's teachers), I re-discovered so much about human nature

Yuanmashita- Just by existing, he managed to do the following:
1) Give me a role model to base sadism on.
2)Proved that Darwin's wrong in at least one occasion
3)Redifined the meaning of evil

Last(but not not least), all of you(I mean that sincerely). Without people constantly reading my posts and giving constructive feedback(sometimes without the constructive part), I doubt I'll have the determination to maintain the quality and quantity of my posts.

I'll write more but my neighbor's shouting about "some idiot stamping". Gotta go.

Yet Another Intelligent debate

2007-11-07T18:22:00.000-05:00

Note: This is a true story occurring in the forums of Norron
Me:Check out my blog here:http://blogofanerd.blogspot.com
Lith:Why?
Me:Because I'm bored and thought it would be cool to see the comments people make?
Gusto:I was bored enough to take the bait. Big mistake. I came to a site that periodically tried to bother me with pop ups. Lame. I hope I'll never have to teach the criminally insane, but it does seem like a better idea than ever again clicking on some random blog link on the internet.
Me:Lol. sorry about that.
Lith:Ah, blogs, the arsehole of the internet. The true and final expression of talentless hacks who have nothing better to do than throw their personal lives in front of as many people as they can get to listen. It is the land of depraved grammar, irreverent spelling, and teenage angst gone wild.

There, you wanted a comment?
Me:I didn't have grammar problems!
Lith:Oh, now you're just asking me to dig up some grammar problems: Right on the first line:
"Here are some more conversations;"
Should be a colon, not a semicolon. That was easy ;)
Ed:Shameless elitist condemnation is typically my forte. Aside from that, weren't you conscripted by Nathan to serve as the official Hawaiian Flower Lei liaison to this forum? You know-- flower in your hair, grass skirt, flower garland at the ready to festoon an arriving tourist with?
Lith:Oh, don't underestimate my elitist condemnation abilities. I just prefer not to alienate most people - just those who specifically ask for it. As to the welcoming committee deal, I think you're a little confused on the matter. I'm not here to welcome people with garlands, I'm here to show them the door with a nice ironclad boot when it's called for.
Isis:*hands everyone flowers and hums Let's go to San Francisco*
Me: Why am I slightly offended?

Another Intelligent Debate

2007-11-07T18:19:00.000-05:00

Note: A real tag-board based story. Also, I'm talking about Ryan S., not Ryan You, just to clear things up.

Today there was a few arguments between Ryan and a few other dudes.
Here is the first one:
Aul-Eirelav to Evanoid:Good luck with your posting for the college bro!
Ryan:Why the heck do we need luck with our posting? Unless u dont meet the score.
Evanoid:Hey don't bully my sis. Don't tick her off too. Mind ur own business dode.
Ryan:I am not ticking her off you fool! Get your English terms right.
Evanoid:I did not say the wolrd "luck". Tell that to her.
Aul-Eirelav:ITS JUST A TERM YOU DODOBIRD. It just means all the best, and if you know me well enough, you will know that I don't believe in some freaking luck. I don't need it.
Ryan:In the first place dont wish people luck if u dont believe it. You are contradicting yourself.
Evanoid:Hey Gentleman Ryan, Please let my sister, so LET in to her, do not quarrel MEN. If u are truly a gentleman.
Aul-Eirelav:Are you ****(Oh use your imagination) or what?
Ryan:Hehehe no vulgar please young lady. I can't be bothered to argue anymore.
(Just then a pretty girl who happened to be a friend of Evanoid and Eirelav came by.)
Pretty Girl:Ahhh... an english/grammar war.
Ryan to the girl:Oh hi!
Aul-Eirelav:Wah! My friend came and you started acting Gentleman. Me scared? Pooey!
Ryan:Huh????
Girl:Er Hi.
Aul-Eirelav:Oh, your english must be too bad that you can't even understand. 'Poor' thing.
Ryan:Nope it just so happens that your implications are false.
Aul-Eirelav:I don't make false implications.
Ryan to girl:Your little friend wants to have a debate with me.
Aul-Eirelav:I'm older than her. I didn't know u failed maths.
Ryan(snickering):Really? Its not noticeable but anyway I'm busy. Sorry lady.
Evanoid:Ahhhhh!!!! I am caught in a battle! Please settle it! Ryan, if you are busy then why are u here?
Girl:Yeah, Aul's older than me. And you 2... debating?
Ryan:Ya sure its Aul who loses her cool and starts vulgar haha. I am busy so bye!
Aul-Eirelav:Don't call me "Aul"'. Everyone can call me that except for dodobirds, nosey people and quarrelsome people. You're all of the above.
Ryan:Quarrelsome? Look who's talking here. U are really tempting me to continue.
Girl:Oh My God! When will this quarrel end?! Ahhh. SAVE. ME.
Ryan:Its supposedly ended.
Aul-Eirelav:Yay! You admitted defeat. I won!!!!
Girl:It did better be.
Ryan(smiling at her):Yea
Aul-Eirelav:Yawn! I'm going with Evanoid now to camp.
Girl to Ryan:Come with me.
Conclusion: Evanoid has PERFECT English. Aul-Eirelav is the best debater. Who gives a shit on a debater's personal life? It is usually not included in Logical debates. Ryan likes to debate on extremely important stuff And I do believe that the word gentleman is a old-fashioned male term and it means A man who is polite and well educated, who has excellent manners and behaves well(and a basic sign of cortesy in restroom stalls). I didn't know that the mordern version of gentleman is actually a sissy who gets pushed around by women and actually "LETS IN" to them.

An Intelligent Debate

2007-11-06T17:27:00.000-05:00

Note:Based on a true event happening in Yugoslavia:

Ryan, Evanoid and Anelisa chatting"intelligently"
Evanoid and Anelisa were chatting about something dumb and both laughed like monkeys.
Ryan:Erm....Anel-
Anelisa:You'll probably planning to say something witty in the fotile attempt to persuade me that intellect is more important than looks.
Ryan:Erm...actuall-
Anelisa:WELL I'LL TELL YOU THAT I DO NOT BELIEVE IN YOUR RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!
Evanoid:Yoah! My gf and I are talking about private stuff!! Get outta here!!!
Me(who was standing by):Ermmm...you two are REALLY intimate with each other. Private problems apparently include Graphic default 'impurities' in The Sims.
Evanoid:Shuddup!! My persanoal life is n00ne of your bzwax. You are just jealous.
Me(walking away):Never mind. I'm gonna look for signs of possible intellect elsewhere.
Evanoid:You son of a @#$%^&*(Imagination of reader required). Go AWAY AND DIE!!!!
Ryan:Erm...I-
Anelisa:If you think you could help your nerdy friend make an argument, you're WRONG!!!!!!!!Mwahahahahah!!!!!!!
Ryan:Actually, I was going to ask if you own a Vaio laptop. Because I've noticed it in the 'Lost and Found' section.
Anelisa:Oh......

Later on....
Me:And you STILL asked her for a date?

Conclusion:I sure as heck hope Karen(not her real name) isn't like Anelisa. I don't think she is, but hey. 'cause if she is, I've got a serious problem.

Halloween Dreams

2007-11-01T19:23:00.000-04:00

My English teacher asked as to write a short essay about Halloween. I was thinking and thinking and thought of this...

Yesterday, doing Halloween, I pretty much didn't do anything to celebrate it. I slept quite early, not to mention peacefully. Well, it would have been peaceful if I didn't continually dreamed of being hunted by Yuanmashita's ghost. (Yes, I know he's still alive. A mere technicality). Anyway, the point is, I woke up covered in cold sweat, glad to realize it's only a nightmare.

Or at least i would be, except I just noticed a dark figure standing in front of me. Arrrgggh. I almost screamed. Dark Figure:"Gee, you are a easily frightened guy. Relax. I'm harmless." Me: "What the ---- are you doing in my house?" Him: "That's what people of my profession do." Me: "You are a burglar?" Him:" Nice guess. Vampire actually. Count von Uninteligente", at your service. He held out a hand. I ignored it. "So what are you doing here?" I asked. Him: "I require your assistance." Me:"In what form." Him:"I require bodily fluids for my regular feeding habits. In other words, I need to suck your blood. Don't worry, it's painless." Me: "Would I become a vampire if you start...dining?" Him: "A possible, but unlikely side effect." Me:"I heard that vamps can't play com-" Him:"True. the radiation kills us." Me:"Forget it." Him: "I'm afraid that's not an option." He smiled a, erm, vampric smile. It showed all his 32 canines. I ran through a tunnel.(Don't ask me why there's a tunnel in my house). I ran and ran and ran and r- oops, dead end.. The vampire came bearing down on me. I opened my mouth to scream. He opened his mouth too, but for different reasons. He leaped to my side and -

I woke up. For real this time. I was in my English classroom, dozing off. I checked the clock. We only have three minutes left to finish the essay. In retrospect, I prefer vampires and zombies instead of modern horrors of Halloween.

The Football- Part 2

2007-10-31T16:15:00.000-04:00

Note:The following is a work of fiction. All people, places and things can be assumed to come from the writers imagination. Any similarities between real people, places and things come from the author's lack of imagination.

The speaker kept on droning and droning in his monotonous voice. Within the first three minutes of the Secretary of State's speech, I was almost dozing off. By now, half an hour already, I'm practically ready to go into coma. So my friend was like, "Hey, did you see his bag?" I said,"huuuuuhhhhh, mmmiihttt." Him: "It's open. I'm going to have a look." Me: Yeah... yeah". Him:Okay, be right back."

Him:"Okay, here." Nicked it from the SoS's bag. There was a football. Gee, presidential footballs are so fancy. First time I ever seen one with so many buttons and levers. Or 'maiming North Korea systems". Probably Made in Korea mis-spelled. Anyway, me:"Are you crazy?You stole a football from the most important military guy in the world??" Him:" Is there a problem with that?" Me:" Yeah. ..You know I'm lousy at football." Him: "Suit yourself. Just listen to the very exciting presentation by him. I'll find somebody else to play catch with."I considered. For about three seconds. Me: "Okay. But if I break my nose, it's your fault." He shrugged

Anyway, we played for a long time. Somehow, the SoS had to rush off-stage after a while. Oh, and some dude dressed in black with a 007 tuxedo requested it(the football) back.

Later on, the Secret Service people debriefed us.There's good news, bad news, and really bad news.

The Good News:I didn't break my nose
The Bad News: We almost started a nuclear war.
The Really Bad News:Both of us got detention

Playing Football

2007-10-28T17:58:00.000-04:00

Some basics about my school:

School as a whole is kinda boring here. We are studying Spanish this year. And of course, the usual(physics, PE, English, art, history, other boring subjects like that).

I never realized how technologically pampered Yugoslavian students were until I got here. When I suggested to my English teacher that she use power points instead of her completely illegible handwriting, she gave me a look as if I suggested she use "Martian Power beams" or something like that. Talk about high-tech.

One of the most annoying part of classes around here is playing American Football during PE. I suffered an injury in-game. It would have been far more heroic(although slightly more painful) if I was struck by an enemy tackle or something.The really is slightly less enjoyable. My teammate throw a ball directly towards me. I put my hands up to catch it...and missed. It hit me right in the nose. Both teams laughed. Gee, why do I have to be in the same team as sadists? *sigh*. It was kinda humiliating, not to mention painful.

EZ news-Pope Speaks Out Against Violence

2007-10-28T16:38:00.000-04:00

Ads-Support Group-Addicted to Counter-Strike? Love playing terrorists? Wanna bash Americans? Tired of playing but can't quit? Join a support group now! We promises that you'll never wanna shoot your com screen again! So what are you waiting for? Sign up now!-Al Qaeda Inc.

VATICAN CITY-In a completely unsurprising event in recent times, the Pope, Benedict XIV, speaks out against violence. He used hard-to-understand metaphors and quoted frequently from the Bible. He also said that 'all men are brothers', a slight which feminist activists are reportedly angry at. In any case, the Pope brings a clear message to the enemies of violence and Christianity-that God would not stand by will people kill each other.

Leonardo

Intelligent Debates

2007-10-27T14:23:00.000-04:00

Here are some more conversations;

Me vs. the Optimist:

Andy:Good Morning!
Me: Actually it's a lousy morning.
Andy:No,it's not. Anyway, it's good weather, eh?
Me: How could you say that? It's, like, barely above freezing.
Andy: Shrugs.. it's good for the environment
Me:Huh?
Andy:Clearly, global warming is over-rated.
Me:Right.
Me: Did you know that our friend ***** have died because he tripped and fell into a gutter today while trying to steal liquor?
Him:It could have been worse.
Me:Huh? Your best friend died, how could it be worse than that?
Him:If they removed the manhole covers last week, I'll be dead

Student vs. un-resonable parent(s):
Youfye:Ermmm;here's my report book.
Quote from report:
Math teacher:I've seen worse
English teacher:Not as atrocious as some
Science teacher:She does not think that she's proud, but then again she doesn't think much else either.
Form teacher:I wish she'll find some form!!!!!
Head Teacher: Can't make Head nor tail of her.
Guidance counselor: Tries hard. At times, I could find her very trying indeed.

After ten minutes of loud noises;
Youfye's Father:If you don't have better grades by next year,somebody would be whipped.
Youfye's mother:I don't think corporal punishment is the only solution.
Youfye's father(pushing his wheelchair foward):
Nonsense!I got whipped a lot when I was young,and look at the man I am now!
Youfye's mother:But dear ,you can't walk.
Youfye's father:A small price to pay for perfect manners!

Students vs. too reasonable parent
Me: Dad, can I get a cell phone
Dad:Of course not
Me:But everybody has one
Dad: If everybody jumps from a building, would you do so?
Me: If the cumulative average jumps from a building, I'll conclude that the hazards barely exist and that it would be perfectly reasonable to jump from a building.
Dad: But it's not t-
Me: Exactly. So a better example of your argument would be, if everbody wears clothes, would you?
Dad:So you are perfectly contented with receiving the average?
Me: I suppose so.

Later...

Me:Ryan, can I buy your com game for 75 cents? It's my entire weeks allowance.
Ryan: You received the average Zimbabwean allowance, eh?

Explanation

2007-10-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

Some people wondered why I didn't continue the Casiocracy topic.It is because of this letter:

Dear Sir/Ma'am/B&*%^/Ba#$%r%(tick one),

It is to our utmost displeasure to hear of you Casiocracy posts, which are thinly veiled-political lies at best. Thus,(a friendly tip) it may well be in your best interests to discontinue the falsehood as lying can be quite dangerous for one's health. People may well be offended by the completely untrue post. If, however, you persist in doing so, we cannot thus have a guilty conscience of the possible state of your health. Please note that your blog can and probably will be used in both legal and illegal action against you.

You have been warned,
^&*$%^&#$ government*

PS>Have a great day and be careful of falling objects!

*names have been changed to protect privacy

Spore Jokes

2007-10-26T20:52:00.000-04:00

China, Britain, America and Singapore were having a discussion on which intelligence agency was better.

In the end, the UN minister had a solution:Put four rabbits into four different forests, and have the Intelligence Agencies each try to find the rabbit in three months

The vastly under budgeted Mi6 could only afford a single slacking official and a small budget, so the only thing they had to show after all the time is a fatter official and some empty donut boxes. The CIA, on the other hand, were far more superior in both numbers and cash flow. They had Agents posing as trees around the entire forests, hundreds of CCTV cameras, and planted multiple rat and rock informers. After over 70 days(and $15000000 in taxpayer money), they wrote a 300 page report concluding that the rabbit does not exist.

The Chinese Spymasters, after 80 days of stake-out, decided that the rabbit must be found in the "hard way". So they set fire to the entire forest. Even though they didn't find the fleeing rabbit, the CSM decided that the rabbit 'was probably a capitalist' and deserved what he got. They offered no apology for their actions. Instead, the CCP(Chinese Communist Party) rewarded them for quick thinking and putting an end to the "Western rabbit"

The SSS(Singapore Secret Service) was confident that they could find the rabbit. Indeed, after only 4 days, the international community witnessed a bear(suffering from multiple cane wounds), shouting, "I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Joke 2:
A bunch of dogs were bragging about which country was the best

The American boxer dog was saying(in a Southern accent): Y'all can just, like, bark 'n' bark 'n' bark, and,like, some nice, guy, y' know would, like give you meat, y' know?

No the Zimbabwean shepherd was real confused, and he asked: "'hat ez meatt." All the dogs from industrialized nations were pretty smug and laughed. The Singapore dog, however, was even more confused. He asked: "What' loh-aye! What is bark, lah?"

Walkin' In the Rain

2007-10-26T20:22:00.000-04:00

One of the annoyingest things about my current high school is that I live exactly(according to Google Maps) 1.3 miles(1.96km) from my school. The local government only provides school buses to those at least 1.5(2.4km) miles away. So I'm cut off by a clerical error. Talk about annoying. So, every single Godspam day, I have to walk. And walk. And walk even more. And for a change, jog. Today's especially annoying.

It was a rainy, gloomy weather. And it's cold. Like 50 degrees(10 C). And did I mention I'm wearing a T-shirt? Seriously uncool. So I tried to call my father to sk for a lift. The good news is that I didn't have to walk. The bad news is that jogging in the rain ain't that cool either. The really bad news is that I wear glasses, which means it's hard to see. The even worse news is that it's easy to trip. It's REALLY bad if some guy trips. On the street. On a really busy highway. When the lights are yellow. *Cough*. When they were yellow but changed to red. When there are three hundred-plus cars dying to move.

The good news is that they only honked. the bad news is that 300 honks at the same time isn't good for a guy's eardrums. Really. Which is kinda annoying.

A Girl I Like-Part 4

2007-10-26T16:51:00.002-04:00

Humans are defined by their tendency to do things that are statistically unprofitable. This is evidenced by, lottery, dating, and religion- Scott Adams. (This is why I really shouldn't get advice about love from humorists)

This set of posts has to be the longest ever. And the weird thing is, unlike most of my posts, which are half or (at-most) 4/5 true, every part of this series is completely true. Which is why I avoid names, because that would seriously create an identity problem if I only use real names.

Anyway, yesterday, I wrote "I love you" in Chinese(I hope she had a translator ready), lightly folded the paper, and put it into her hood(her jacket's hood), during lunch, when I was behind her in the line(queue in Queen's English). Today, during Lunch, I could have sworn I saw her smiling at me quite a few times. Admittedly, she could have been amused at the people having a birthday party not five feet behind me, but I'm keeping my hopes up.

Note:The reason why I wrote it in the way I did is because she'll know who send it(my ethnicity is remarkably rare in my high school), it's direct(you can't get more direct than 'I love you'), it's kinda romantic(I guess), and if the letter's intercepted or rejected outright, nobody would understand it. I'll just say that it's a memo for 'the Society of Chinese-Americans Who Have Nothing Better to do Than Sit Around and Brag about the Homeland' or something.

Suggestions?Comments?Insults?(Somehow, the latter seems so much more likely)

Intelligent Converstations

2007-10-25T18:42:00.000-04:00

Note: a slightly different version is published here

As you might have already realized, I(Leo) am a cynic. Of course, if you live in the same environment as I live in, chances are that you're gonna develop a critical opinion of life as well. Here are a few dialogs to help illustrate my point:

Me talking with the wanna-be world dominator:
Me:Hiya!
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Hiya????!!!Just how illeterate can you get?When I conquer the world I am going to ban all forms of improper language.
Me:O..K
Yuamashita Suzuki: Are you listening to me?Why would anyone speak initials that stand for Oll Korrect(which in itself is a misspelling) if he's not a MORON??
Me: Do you want an honest answer, an flattering answer, or for me to ignore the question completely?
Him:Ignore the question.
Me:Ermmm... besides the fact that Ok is the most commonly spoken word on the planet, what do you mean by 'when I conquer the world'??Do you know that world domination is next to impossible?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Irrevelent.I'm gonna get a bunch of nukes, bomb Amelica and a couple of other countries, take over the rwmains and lead an army of radioactive matter across the rest of the civilized globe(The uncivilized ones would come later).
Me:How do you get acess to the nukes?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm gonna steal the rugby ball.
Me:It's called the football.
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Nevar mind that.
Me:At any rate,how do you steal the Football.It is a, like, completely secure object with over 10 NSA agents and several CIA agents watching over it.Oh and it is Bulletproof and permanently attached to an aide
Yuanmashita Suzuki:Never mind that.
Me(humoring him):So what exactly would you do to help mankind if you in the impossible event that you actually conquer the world?
Yuanmashita Suzuki:I'm going to make it mandatory for all but the old and the infirm to jog for an hour while holding their mouth wide open.
Me(trying to humor him):Because you really think well of exercise and fresh air??
Yuanmashita Suzuki:No,because I reeeeeaaaaalllly hate flies.

Me talking to the village idiot:
Sulen:Dei!!!!!
Me:Erm.......hi
Sulen:You not gonna make me write a sentonce for our project. I AM NOT YOUR BEST OF BORDER
Me(to myself):Isn't it beast of burden??
Me:OK
Sulen:Good and help me do my homework but i was tell teacher about how you insolted my intolligence
Me(to myself):Oh, great.
Later.....
Ryan:What exactly did you want Sulen to do?
Me:Type out her name and email so that we could contact her.

Me talking to the Class Sissy:
(Ryan was telling a funny parody about Garfield).
Me:haha
(Quiswart walks up and slaps me in the face)
Me:Aw!What was that for?
Quiswart:You just laughed at my favorite idol.
Me(to myself):Huh??
Me(to Quiswart):That was parody,not satir, you filthy **t**
Quiswart: Leo scolded vulgar. Boo-wah-wawaaaaah!
Me:Stop pretending to cry!!
Quiswart(wiping away imaginary tears):I'm telling Ms.YURTOAPHER!!
Me:Hey!!Low Blow!
Quiswart:Haha!!!!
(Ms.Yurtoapher entered the classroom.)
Quiswart(pretended to cry again): Leo said the B-word to me!
Ms.Yurtoapher:Stand up,Leo! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
Me:Well...it was like th-
Ms.Yurtoapher:HOW DARE YOU SAY VULGAR IN MY CLASS!
Me:But-
Ms.Yurtoapher:DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS A MENACE TO CIVILIZED LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!AND THAT..................................................................................................................................................................................
Me:But...
Ms.Yurtoapher:Don't Talk back to me!APOLOGIZE
Me:Errrmm..
Ms.Yurtoapher:APLOGIZE!!!!!
Me:But y-
Ms.Yurtoapher:APLOGIZE!!!!!!!
Me(in a voice as scarastic as I could muster):Sorry,Quiswart!
(When Ms.Yurtoapher turned her head back to the blackboard, Quiswart stuck his tongue out and pointed his middle finger at me in the same instant)

Quotes from famous people and my ex-classmate re-interpretion

2007-10-25T16:30:00.000-04:00

veni,vidi,vici(I came, I saw I conquered)-Julius Caesar
Sulen Tanick-I came,I ate, I swelled

Meditation brings wisdom. Lack of meditation leaves ignorance. Know well what would lead you forward and what would hold you back-The Buddha
Crayon You-Money brings nachos, lack of money would leave hunger. Know well what would lead you foward, and what would hold you back.

Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration-Albert Einstein
Quiswart-Success is 1% instructing and 99% pestering

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers-Gandhi
I believe in equality for everyone, except those other than myself- Sour Avenue

Ask not what the nation could do for you, ask what you could do for the nation-John F. Kennedy
Kwong Jenson-Ask not what the nation could do for you,ask what You could steal from the nation.

He who does not read has no advantages over he who cannot read-Mark Twain
He who does not insult has no advantages over he who cannot insult- Hilbert

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. -anonymous
F***D*-Whom the potato would destroy,he first spits mad.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.-Galileo Galilee
Yuanmashita Suzuki-I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with knives, guns and nukes has intended us to forgo their use.

This is one small step for a man,a big leap for mankind-Neil Armstrong
Ms.Yurtoapher-This is one small mathematical problem for a class,a big leap in toture for teacherkind.

A Girl I Like-Part 3

2007-10-21T14:16:00.001-04:00

So, as a reader of my blog, you probably would know that there's this girl in my school that I like. (Check previous posts for similar titles). I'm planning to talk to her on Monday(tomorrow).Anyway, I hope you could wish me luck. At the very least, just wish me that something similar to my dream wouldn't happen. So just pray for me, okay? Thanks a lot of your help. Keep tuned to see how it goes.

_______________

The Utopian Chronicles-Chapter 1, The Airplane I

2007-10-21T13:54:00.000-04:00

The airport official asked, "So your name's John Poe." John sighed, "No, it's John Doe." Official: "Oh. Anyway, please give me your brand-new toothpaste because we're afraid it might be a fluid bomb. That, and I'm out of toothpastes and don't have time to shop." John did so without complaint, thinking that airport officials are trustworthy.

He got on his Deathtrap Airlines airplane. "What's your cabin class?", the pretty air stewardess asked. "D", said John. The air stewardess showed him to the back of the plane. John sat on the plastic chair(comfortable semi-reclining chairs are only for economy class and higher" and tried not to fidget.

After a few minutes, the announcements were turned on:"Hi. I am Larry, your pilot for the day. We are approaching liftoff in approximately 5 to 60 minutes, depending on the engines. Could all passenger's please put on your seat belt. Otherwise, if you are in Class D, please tie on the piece of string provided. To entertain passengers, First Class has a state of the art entertainment system. Business and Economy can feel free to select between 20 and 40 channels. Class D passengers would have to make do with "Snakes on a plane", kindly hosted on a donated black-and-white TV. Restrooms are located between each cabin, with the exception of class D passengers, who are kindly advised to hold your water. If there is any quetions, all non-class D passengers feel free to ask the air stewardess. Otherwise, let's wait for our 1927 engine to decide the proper time of liftoff....Larry, have you checked the fuel tanks? No, have you? No, wanna stop and refuel? Not really, I want to practice my crash landing thingy again. You had all the fun last time you were the pilot. It's my turn. Hey, how do you turn off the announcements? Ouch! Wrong button. Maybe-" The announcements shut off

The Utopian Chronicles-Prologue

2007-10-21T13:35:00.000-04:00

Note-Please read the previous post for the disclaimer

John sighed. He's sick of work. He hadn't had a brink from the demanding job of a clerk since(pauses to think)...1999. "That's it!"He suddenly shouted to the whole room, full of other cubicle dwellers. "I've had enough of being a clerk!!I'm going on a vacation!" A few eyebrows wore raised, but nobody paid much attention. In Path-E-Tech Industries(a merger between Path Elite and Tech Industries), such outbursts were common.

John ignored all the skeptical looks of his co-workers and went straight home(well, almost. he had to file a 70-page leave-of-absence paper first so that his unpaid vacation days wouldn't cost him too much of his last month's salary"

When he got home from the two-hour,five-mile commute(yep, traffic's jammed), he dialed the number of a tourist agency he saw on his company newsletter.
"Path-E-Tech Industries. How may I help you?"
"Actually, I'm looking for a good place to spend the vacation. I guess it's the wrong number.."
"No. of course not. *cough*'Better World Tourism Agency, how may I help you?"
"I would like to go on a vacation to some pl-"
"Say no further. Just take our 10D9N package for a relaxing stay in Utopia"
"Never heard of it. Maybe Hawaii is more suitable fo-"
"Just Google Utopia.Trust me, you'll like it!"
John Doe Googled utopia. Wikipedia largely praised Utopia, so like the idiot he is, he trusted Wikipedia.

The next day, he went to the travel agency(coincidentally located next to his company), and paid the heavy fees(over 5 digits). But he's sure it'll be worth it, when he read the brochure,

Welcome to stress-free Utopia! Our exclusive hotel provides transportation(with your own butler) straight from the airport! There is a beach view straight from your window! organic Carpets! A unique furnishing design in your room! Your own tv and refrigerator! And best of all, free EXCLUSIVE access to more clubs than I can count!

So what are you waiting for?Sign up today!

The Utopian Chronicles

2007-10-21T13:31:00.000-04:00

“Abandon all hopes of utopia - there are people involved”-Quote from Clayton Cramer

I am planning to write a fictional story about a tourist who wanders into Utopia(see Utopia) and finds out that he couldn't leave.

Note: The Utopian chronicle's-related posts are entirely works of fiction. All persons, places, or events comes from the author's imagination. Any similarities with real persons, places or things comes from the author's lack of imagination.

Violence breaks out in the middle East

2007-10-20T17:18:00.000-04:00

Ads-The following is owned by Draconlord Industries, a news coruption Company!

Note:This is part of the trend of EZ-news, news that is easy to gather!

SOMEWHERE, MIDDLE EAST-In a completely unsurprisingly violent event today, an unknown person whom some claims to be a terrorist, has launched an attack that killed at least one person and injured many more. This sparks fears that ethnic conflict is common among the Middle East. Apparently, at least one rich oil investor decided to switch his stocks to something "less volatile."

More locally, Mr. Mohammad(possibly his real name), an Arabic man who may or may not be in some way the victims or the attacker or both says(in an accent), "This is a scary attack. This may will spark off genocidal strikes against my portion of Islam. I'm afraid to let my girls attend parties after nine or reveal their faces in public anymore."When asked whether he had already forbidden those things, Mr.Mohammad refused to comment.

Both Osama Bin Ladin and George W. Bush declined to comment on this when they heard a personal meeting with the reporter(at their own expense and risk) would have to be arranged

The language of Laughter-Part 1

2007-10-20T16:52:00.000-04:00

Many people asked me this question: How can you be funny? The answer isn't that obvious, actually. In humor, as in all other literary subjects, there are patterns to follow.

Lesson 1:Choice of words.
In a fantasy, impact is often delivered with powerful words. this doesn't mean that you have to use that many complicated words/phrases, just the right ones. Here's an example:

1)The rapier contacted, a canvas has been opened across the skin. Crimson liquid gently trickled through the canvas to land on the ground, increasing the productivity for the local flora and fauna by approximately 0.3%

2)The blade struck, and blood ran red.
Which one's better?

In humor, it's the same thing. Try to find funny-sounding words.
Here's an example(read out loud to see the difference)
1)What's the capital of Japan?Mitsubishi
2)What is the capital of japan?Toyota.
Although the answers both mean the same(a car manufacturer), clearly a) sounds better

2)Similarities.

Often, a person is most attracted to things he can relate to. For instance, my favorite blog is Andy's, which isn' t very funny(when one thinks 100% objectively) but is so similiar to my brand of humor that it could sometimes be hard to see the difference. the only slight difference is the topics, I deal more with concepts such as ideas, religions, government types(eg, A Girl I Like, Chuananity, Casiocracy), while he deals with events and conversations more(eg, day 1 behind the wheel, real vulgar, stuff like that).

3)Emphasis,emphasis, emphasis
Often emphasis on a single word could change the entire meaning of a sentence. Here's an example(emphasis is in italics)
1)What is said:I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:just what it syas, no implications

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:Somebody else said it

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I really didn't say that

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I implied it

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: I said somebody else is a idiot

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning:He was one in the past or future

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He's more than a single idiot, presumably plural form is suitable

2)I didn't say Yuanmashita is a idiot
Meaning: He is other, presumably worse things.

Unpopular Bookstore-The Smart Consumer

2007-10-20T16:31:00.000-04:00

This is a supposedly true story that occurred to my friend Andy:

Andy:I wish to purchase a book for a friend of mine
Shopkeeper:Hi!Welcome to Unpopular bookstore? What books would you like to buy?
Andy:The gift variety.
Shopkeeper:Errm..what exactly?
Andy:A book. Something with pages, words, made of paper.
Shopkeeper:Could you be more specific?
Andy:A fantasy?
Shopkeeper:Just a little bit more specific
Andy:Hmmm...maybe it should have magic in it?
Shopkeeper:Oh man. A hard case.
Andy:On second thoughts, I'll be a little more specific. It should contain supernatural aspects
Shopkeeper:Sir, would you like to look for the books by yourself.
Andy:Fine, fine. You guys are sure friendly

Later...

Andy:Okay, I purchased the books.
Shopkeeper:Lets see; Conversations with god, Raising Hell, and Be a Lawyer:How to benefit from the arguments of others
Andy:Neat choice of books,eh?
Shopkeeper:Right...that would be 99.99 SGD(Slave's Grand Dollar), please
Andy:Fine, fine.(digs in unidentifiable places).Here;
Shopkeeper:Is that a gift cert?
Andy:No, five twenty percent coupons.
Shopkeeper: You can't use coupons together!Just read line 7
Andy:Didn't see anything. It says; Coupons can ot be used together.
Shopkeeper:Let me see that.....looks like a typo to me.
Andy:So the customer's supposed to pay for your mistake?
Shopkeeper:arrrggghhhh..fine, your purchase has been accepted.If you have any questions, please hessitate to ask.
Andy(slaps two 50 dollar bills):here
Shopkeeper(dim amount of hope entering his eyes):Cool!So you wanted to pay after all?
Andy:No. Actually I wanted the change....in pennies.
Shopkeeper: arrrggggghhhh
Andy:Really barbaric people in a bookstore. Who would have guessed?

Two Red Lights

2007-10-20T15:38:00.000-04:00

Every time I walk to and from school, I have to pass two red lights. Which wouldn't have been that annoying, except that it's every single time. Which makes it kinda annoying, obviously. I have a couple of theories about why is that so:

1. The S'Pore government hates me so much that it persuades the US government to make the red lights whenever I come by.

2. The Christiananity church wants to get back at me for insulting their god so they rigged it.

3. God wants to punish me for insulting him

4. The International Brotherhood of nerds want to get back at me for revealing scared data to the "two-eyes" population.

5.It's the Arctum theory:I have convenient lapses of memory whenever I pass a green light.

6.I'm just darn unlucky

Number 5's the least likiest because I keep track of this type of info in my notepad, so unless I subconciously erase and edit whatever piece of data whenever I'm asleep, Number 5 doesn't work.

Comment.

Personality Test

2007-10-19T12:30:00.000-04:00

Ads:Thanks to new advances in software-designing technology, at a cost of only $49.99our checking software will make sure that you will will not make a single typo errar!

Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of mine 'are you a com nerd quiz' , I decided to create a personality test that appeals to a wide range of personalities.

Instructions: On a piece of paper, please enter the letter that is closest to your answer for each question.

Question 1:What is your greatest ambition?
a)what's an ambition?
b)Going to Harvard and getting straight As there.
c)Helping others whenever and wherever you can
d)i)Stealing the football from the nerd in the white house
ii) Stealing the Football from the nerd in the White House.
e)Winning the international DoTA tournaments
f)Staying home and watching TV

Question 2:you saw your classmate being hit by some hoodlums. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Who, me ? I didn't see anything.
c)call the police. Then enter the melee and try to help your friend. It's the right thing to do.
d)Join in and take your share of the loot.
e)'Borrow' his com games. Blame the hoodlums the next day if he's still looking for the game
f)Stay home and watch TV

Question 3: What do your friends call you?
a) i had friends? Nobody ever told me!
b)nerd
c)Mr/Ms. Manners
d)So far, no one's stupid enough to call me anything
e)Gamelord
f)Cool!I Love Friends.It's a great show!

Question 4: If someone would give you a million dollars, what do you do?
a)What's a dollar?
b)Put it on savings for your college
c)Donate it. It's the right thing to do.
d)Buy some grenades and a couple of AK-47s(one for my home, one for my school, one in the car, and a few spares.)
e)Invest it in the best gaming system ever!
f)Just watch TV and tell your little sister to take care of boring stuff like that

Question 5: You're falling in love with your friends' girlfriend. What do you do?
a)Nothing
b)Tell the two of them to join you at a table and diplomatically re-evaluate each of your wants and needs
c)Ignore your emotions. It's the right thing to do.
d)Kill him and take advantage of her while she's upset
e)Cool, this happens to mine character in one of mine Sims games
f)Stay home and watch TV

Question 6:Your classmate hosted a party while his/her parents are out-of-town. A few days later, his/her parents called you and asked what happened. What do you do?
a)You never get invited to par-you forgot what it's caled
b)You are too busy studying to go to these parties
c)Shoulder all the blame. It's the right thing to do.
d)Blame everything on him. Confess all the crimes he did and did not do.
e)Give an anonymous suggestion that his parents ban him from using the laptop for a month or two. Heck, there's no point in not taking advantage of the situation.
f)Turn off the phone, stay home and watch TV

Question 7: Which of the following clubs/associations are you likely to attend?
a)Association of Short Term Memory Losers
b)Smartkids.com
c)Boy Scouts
d)The American Society of Sadists
e)The Gamer's Alliance
f)Cable On Demand

Question 8: What is your favorite movie/program and why?
a)The thing that pops up when you don't move your mouse or hit any keys on your com. It's an epic mini series.
b)The Discovery Channel
c)LOTR(It's cool to have good triumph over evil)
d)Saving Private Ryan. Go Nazis!!
e)Star Wars. 'cause I like their games
f)Whatever's on TV that needs minimal flipping of the remote control

Question 9:You see an attempted murder victim in the last throes of dying.What do you do?
a)What's murder?
b)Cool, just the human dissection corpse we did for my bio class!My teacher would be soooo pleased
c)Call the police and try to comfort him in the meantime
d)Finish the job
e)Call the police and borrow whatever com games he have.He won't need them anymore
f)Stay home and watch TV

Question 10: Lightning has struck the TV broadcasting tower.What do you do?
a)It's a sign of god's displeasure!Run for your life!
b)Ask someone to pay you to fix it.
c)Find a nerd to fix it.It's the right thing to do.
d)Take this time to do some mischief.
e)Play com. It doesn't affect you at all.
f)Stay home, turn on your com, and watch You-tube

Mostly A's:You are an idiot
Mostly B's:You are a nerd, and a serious case at that
Mostly C's:You are nice guy. Admitting this problem is the first step to its solution
Mostly D's:You are a somewhere between a playground bully and a full-blown sadist.
Mostly E's:You are a gamer
Mostly F's:You are a couch potatoe

Nerdmares

2007-10-19T12:02:00.001-04:00

You ever had a dream that's real scary when you are actually dreaming but seems harmless, funny, and even a little(sometimes a lot) nerdy when you are awake? Anyway, I have these all the time. I christen these dreams nerdmares, mostly because I can't think of a more creative name.

For instance, there's this dream I had a couple of months ago. It was like this: I was walking near some grassy places (Don't ask me why, dreams aren't that logical). So, anyway, I saw Quiswart, someone from my elementary school who is just a little bit(ok, a lot) of a sissy. "Ha!" he said, "my computer's faster than yours!" I was kinda creeped out, although I'm not sure it mattered. Then, I turned left. There was, like, a 50-inch flat screen computer monitor. There was the green numbers ticking backwards from 8. I don't know why, but I started running. Then, there was a big explosion of greenish light. Next thing I know, i was awake, covered completely in cold sweat. My first impulse was to run. Then, I hit my slipped off my bed and hit my head on the floor. Ouch.

More recently, I had a nerdmare a couple of days ago. It went like this: I was walking down a hallway. I saw the girl I..err...admire. So, I finally plucked up my courage to talk to her. I said: "I like you""I like me too." "That's not what you're supposed to say" "Oh?" "You're, like, supposed to say you like me" "Okay, I li-, Hey, you're trying to trick me!"
Then, Evan (not his real name) came along.
Him:You just tried to trick my girlfriend?
Me:No, I didn't
Him:Yes you did.
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:No
Him:Yes
Me:Double no!
Him:Triple yes!
Me:Quadruple no!
Him: Qui-...qui..qui...erm...yes times infinity to the power of infinity!Ha, I won!
Me:Uh-Oh
Then, there was a brilliant blue light.creepy
I was floating upwards...slowly but surely. I heard, in a man's voice, the following:You have now entered the gate way to heaven 724-I19. Please give your student ID number to faciliate tracking. Me:28901. "Wrong." Me:"How did you know that it's wrong?" Him:"I am God. I have infinete powers." Me:"Right" Him:"I have detected scarasm. For that sin(and because I had a really lousy day), Go to hell!!"
Then I woke up

PD1101-The Unauthorized History of Pardus 1

2007-10-18T15:12:00.001-04:00

When I was in National University of Yugoslavia High, my friend's used to joke that I'll be teaching people how to 'pardus'(a really addictive game at pardus .at) if I'm a teacher. Well, I decided to try my hand at it.

Note:The following is a work of fiction. To see the 'real' story, go to here
Note:This class is mandatory(core module) to all students interested in majoring in Pardus.
Chapter 1

There has always been games. Ever since the first caveman played with bones and created tic-tac-toe, there has been games. Inventors have always wanted to make games superior, to make life funner for all, be they sports, on a piece of paper, board, imagination, gamebooks, or computer games. History has been rife with games, with each game more complicated, each creation of greater ingenuity and expense. But the time that games could be limited to boards, PCs, cities and countries are long gone, since the Americans(Vinton Cerf,) invented the Internet.
When the American Werner Bayer went to University on his Ford Explorer and met Michael Sizell, they both realized(to their shock) that they aren't the only com nerds in the universe.

Okay. Here concludes lesson 1. How do you guys like it so far?

Utopia

2007-10-18T14:50:00.000-04:00

I created an imaginary country to base my parody/satires on. It's called Utopia(The name kinda fit).

Full name:The Democratic Monarchy of Utopia
National flag:

(yes, it's a black box)

System of Government:Democratic Monarchy

Languages:Binary

Motto:War is Peace, Love is Hate, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength

National Song:Jingle Bells

National Religion:Radical Atheism

Year Founded:The Dawn of Time(allegedly)

Ruling Party:The Hackers and Crackers Party

Largest City: Large City

Smallest City: Doom&Gloomsville

Population:Varies. Depending on various factors, including famine, flood, drought, baby booms,
and of course, population taxes and subsidies. Before the pop tax, approx. pop is 44 million.
Afterwards, approx.pop is 10,000

Crime Rate: Between 1 per year to five million per year, depending on who could be more believed.

National Pledge:I pledge myself as a citizen of the democratic monarchy of Utopia, and to the Emperor, for which all stands, one nation, above God, indestructible, with booty and servants for all.

A Girl I Like-Part 2

2007-10-16T17:42:00.001-04:00

I accidentally overheard while eavesdropping on her(maybe not that accidental) that she broke up with her boyfriend. Call me a sadist, but I can't say I feel too sorry for him. My next step is writing her a love letter or something. The trick is to clearly express my feelings for her while (at the same time) not leave too embrassing a scene in case she refused(very likely) or if the letter is intercepted. Any ideas?

________________

My current plan is to wait till Monday so she could kinda recover from breaking up with him(She was the one who brought it up so she shouldn't be too upset, but still.). Then, I'll write "I love you" in Chinese, put it on a piece of paper, and either hand it to her or put it into her handbag. Sure, about 1.3 billion people probably already tried that. Nonetheless, I can't think of a better plan. Comments?

A Girl I Like

2007-10-13T16:15:00.001-04:00

There's,like, this girl in my school that I really...erm...admire. The problem(other than a high amount of your's truly's physical, mental and emotional defects) is that I barely know her. Which shouldn't have been much of a problem, but I'm not that familiar with American High Schools yet. And I have a tendency to be chronically shy to stuff I'm not that familiar with. So I couldn't pick up the courage to talk to her. Oh, and she has a boyfriend. That's another problem.

So I have a major dilenma. If you could help me, feel free to comment.

World geography

2007-10-12T20:24:00.000-04:00

Let's begin the test!Mwahahaha-Somebody in Dilbert's You tube movies

I always had an impression that Amelicans are ignorant of world affairs. Even so, we had a test for my entry to ERHS (Extremely Rigorous Hard Stuff) test. I aced the test. Here are the questions and answers.

Q:What is the capital of Korea?
A:Mitsubishi

Q:What does A.D. stand for?
A:African delinquents

Q:Give one main reason behind Egypt's fall.
A:They displeased their god, Zeus, by building pyramids instead of spheres. He sent a tidal wave to crush their entire city.

Q:What is China's currency pegged to?
A:The Belgian stamp collector's club

Q:What is the second most populated continent in the world?
A:Antarctica

Q:Name acts against humanity that the Soviet Union has been charged by the U.N.
A:The banning of chewing gum

Q: What is Nazi short for?
A:New Zealand

Q:What's the difference between Africa and Europe?
Africa's a country whereas Europe is a planet.

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Great excuses for being late(Part three)

2007-10-12T20:07:00.000-04:00

Quote:i had a very good excuse.I just left it at home-Calvin

Excuse 7:Teacher's Pet
Example's:*Huff, Puff* Finally...got....an....apple...for...you....sir/ma'am.....ran...all...the...way...to...the...mall...
Rating:3.0/5.0.Very Effective Sometimes. However, if your teacher is greedy, you may need to buy an iPod instead of the fruit(which seriously drains your purse).

Excuse 8:Ignorance is Strength
Example:Huh?I'm late?That's impossible!Like, isn't there a rule saying it's okay to be late on the second week of October?No?It's on the school's website?What's a website?
Rating:2.5/5.0 Gee, depends. Whether or not you are a good actor is entirely up to you.

Excuse 9:Just weird
Example:I was, like, reading this blog about great excuses to be late and lost track of time. So here's my excuse:
Rating:2.0/5.0 Not sure how this works, never tried it myself

Excuse 10:THE TRUTH
Example:I was thinking of great excuses be late to school and I lost track of time
Rating0.0/5.0 Trust me, it reeealllllly doesn't work. I know from personal experience.

Ten Great Excuses for being Late to school(Part Two)

2007-10-07T16:55:00.000-04:00

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Excuse 4: The Hard Worker
Example: I had been studying for my geometry quiz until 4 AM today so I barely had anytime for school.This said... I must suggest that you push the geometry quiz to tommorow because I had a mistaken impression on Chapter 17 Part A Section 3...
Rating: 4.5/5.0 Really Successful. Trust me. It even has a bonus advantage of explaining why you failed ,say, history.

Excuse 5: Pathetic Dude
Example: Please.... I know it's my fault... my second uncle in-law would kill me if he knew I broke the family tradition. Have mercy... be kind... I know I don't deserve this, but still..
Rating: 2.5/5.0 Works better for females than guys. Especially effective if you are good looking

Excuse 6: The Pragmatist
Example: I have a perfectly logical reason to explain why I'm late. It's mostly an accidental occurrence that involves subjective laws of equality
Rating: 2.0/5.0 Seriously, if you could pull this one off, you ought to be in law school instead of grade school

Ten Great Excuses for being late to school(Part 1)

2007-10-02T18:48:00.000-04:00

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On the way to my school, I thought of a lot of good excuses to say if someone's late for school.So anyway, here:

Excuse 1: The Traditional approach
Example:So, like, my dog ate my homework and I was like,searching and searching and searching, then I found that puppy of a b%^%& had it at a scrap, and---/So my car, for the fifth time in a row, got stuck in the traffic,
Rating:2/5. Considering the amount of people who use this approach, wwwwaaaayyy too overrated. On the plus side, almost everyone believes this excuse

Excuse 2: The Philosopher's method
Example: I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking that I was thinking that it was on a Sunday in which I was thinking I was thinking I was thinking that I was thinking that it was on a Sunday.
Rating: 3/5 Useful only if your discipline master's a retard or your philosophy teacher(or both)

Excuse 3: Whiner,whiner,whiner
Example: First, my alarm clock broke down because my little brother smashed it. Then, my parents car broke down because somebody drove it in a race. Then, the bus came late. Than, the really stupid sidewalk tripped me. Then..
Rating:2.5/5 Works first time you try it 'cause the VP will fall asleep.Works second time 'cause the sub will feel sorry for you. The hundred and fifth time, on the other hand...

SATs

2007-09-21T18:42:00.002-04:00

I tried my hand at the SAT s. I got 915(SAT s are based on 1600). According to the manual, it is good enough to get into a really good university with certain minor application details(includes, among others, community service for 30 hours per week, being the high school prom king/queen, a GPA average of 4.8/5.0, star at professional football, being the child of the president of the US and making bribes worth over 4 million).

So anyway, I couldn't fill out all of the requirements(wonder why) so I had to try again. Anyway, two months later, my new grades had good news and bad news. Good news and bad news. Good news:I got 1400 points this time. Bad news: It's upon 2400. So anyway, I bought a book called "SAT s for dummies." The dude said something on the lines of follow your instincts of "consistency is everything."

So anyway, I tried again and I couldn't get the first Question. So I skipped it. And of course, I followed that dude's advice.

And he made me get a the lowest possible score. D@#$

ENS laptop tech support

2007-09-20T21:09:00.000-04:00

Leonardo notes:It must be noted that the ENS tech support aren't "tech" enough to create their own website so they asked me to put their FAQs in my blog

ENS Tech Support

FAQs

Q:How to reboot?
A:Turn upside down and shake.

Q:How to shut-down my laptop?
A:Turn upside down and shake.

Q:How to delete the website on my computer?
A:Turn upside down and shake.

Q:How to delete irreverent software?
A:Turn upside down and shake.

Q:How to save?
A:Don't turn upside down and shake.

Q:How to lock my computer?
A:Buy a combination lock.

Q:How to improve the graphics of my laptop?
A:Improve your drawing

The Ten Commandments of the Holy Order

2007-09-15T17:12:00.001-04:00

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Qoute-“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”Albert Einstein

So without further ado, allow me to introduce the commandments of Chuananity

1.I am the Lord thy god of Chuananity, thy holy religion of the internet, through which the highest organisms are connected and revel in near infinite power

2. Thou shalt have no other god before me

3. This is the holiest words, thy words writ in Pentium. Thou shalt have no other website before this

4. On the days of choice, thy may wish to work. But between Monday and Sunday, each day holy in their own right, thou needth not work and may prefer religious activities

5. It is the impartial and absolute part of a pact with god, that thou shalt not physically harm others in any way whatsoever. Hacking and cracking in terms are considered to be acceptable practices.

6. All humans are equal, but the worshipers of Chuananity are more equal than others.

7. One of the highest crimes is to injure or otherwise maul the God of Chuananity and his prophets. Hacking the Holy Blog is the ultimate sin, and punishable with infinite spam upon seven generations by the God

8. Thou shalt not harm nor betray thy online friends

9. Thou shalt not waste time of pleasure for the sake of religious practices not deemed worthy on this blog

10. The words of God are Just and True, and upholding them are secondary only if the said upholding has direct impact with human or computer lives.

Chuananity

2007-09-15T17:06:00.000-04:00

Ads-Draconlord Corporations, a news corruption company hereby announces full and absolute control of the great and very holy religion of Chuananity.

For those of you who don't know me very well(that's you and about six billion other people on this planet),(in part) to prevent the onslaught of freaking tele-priests(that's religious tele-marketers) tryings to get me to order books like Bible-the Very New testament, I created my own religion, Chuananity. It's main goal is to worship the most holiest of God's creations, namely computers.

Comment

The Casiocracy I

2007-09-12T19:37:00.000-04:00

"Four legs good, two legs bad"-George Orwell

I rarely write philosophical blogs. But I wanted to cater to a soapiscated audience, and besides, I got this idea for a long time. So I'll start writing about a crappy country called s __-Erm, "Utopia"

Utopia's a strange country. At the surface, the stuff you will see in boring statistical lessons, it's great. Good environmental control, lack of racism, high GDP increases, one of the safest city-states in ~~Asia~~ Utocountinent.

It's so great that most people forget the, erm, subtle signs, lack of true democratic selection, world's highest death-penalty, and complete(absolute) lack of privacy.

A lot of countries, most notably (in terms of GDP), the United States of America, seems, to a certain extent, copy the certain country's "miserable excuse of f#$% logic" as some philosopher most have said it some time in the past

(to be continued)

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News

2007-09-12T19:00:00.000-04:00

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Quote:News is telling people what they expect to read plus some commercials no one whats to read-Random philosopher

Here's a completely reliable piece of news I found on the web:

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.

11 September 2007

Qaida's latest video, Osama bin Laden declares that "Only Blu-ray DVDs are approved by the prophet Mohammed."" longdesc="/wiki/Image:Unnews_osama_bluray.jpg" class="thumbimage" height="237" width="180">

In this frame from Al Qaida's latest video, Osama bin Laden declares that "Only Blu-ray DVDs are approved by the prophet Mohammed."

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan -- Sony's Blu-ray DVD scored a point today as Al Qaida's media arm announced that Osama bin Laden's next video will be released exclusively in that format. The terrorist mastermind apparently opted for Blue-Ray over the competing HD DVD technology, a posting on an extremist website claimed.

The next video is due out later today, on the sixth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, and only days after bin Laden's latest rambling monologue was broadcast. Previous releases by the Al Qaida leadership have been audio-only, or at best on VHS or standard DVDs. The move to high definition promises to usher in a new era for terrorist propaganda. "All the fine details of our leader's newly black-colored beard will be clearly visible," boasted an Al Qaida website.

The United States immediately condemned this latest move by bin Laden, and the White House announced all of its official video releases will be in the competing HD-DVD format. President Bush himself went as far as to declare that "our administration will only support American technology," despite the fact that both Blu-ray and HD-DVDs were developed by Japanese companies.

Sony, the company that developed Blu-ray DVDs, had a mixed reaction to bin Laden's announcement. The firm doesn't want to be associated with terrorism, but a spokesperson acknowledged that they "hope this publicity will help increase our lackluster Playstation 3 sales." Consumers though were skeptical, with shopper Joe Schmoe commenting, "I'm just gonna watch the video on Al Jazeera - who cares if I don't see bin Laden's lush eyebrows in their full high definition glory."

Asked what the Al Qaida leader will talk about in his new video, a Taliban spokesman was vague, replying only that "the message will largely be similar to his old rants - you know, death to the infidels, convert to Islam, yada, yada, yada. What's most important is that viewers will be able to see bin Laden's facial expression in crystal-clear Blu-ray DVD format." He went on to add that Al Qaida is "just beginning" its foray into modern video technology, with the next project set to be filmed in IMAX. "It will feature panoramic vistas of the beautiful Waziristan region of Pakistan," excitedly concluded the spokesman.

DVD Extras: -Bin Laden teaches how to dye your beard. -Music Video: Allah LALALA! -and many more...

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